half psychotic [sick] hypnotic got my blueprint its symphonic.
i am having the hardest time pulling myself out of this dump of a mood that's been plaguing me for i don't know how long. i feel like i am in a box and it is getting smaller every breath i take. no one can get in and no one can get me out. i'm not sure if i want to get out or if i am just too scared too. i lost the one person i felt like i could be myself around. now i am just living up to my nicknames sake even worse than before. i guess there is truth in saying you don't know what you've got until it is gone. then no matter how hard you try you cannot get it back. it will never come back. but every night i dream of it. my biggest fear has always been to grow old alone. i feel like i will only because i'm not good at anything it seems. i suck at relationships, communication, conflict management..all of these important factors in growing up and being happy healthy and stable. i have thought of myself as mature and smart for all of my life and now at 23 i feel like i might have a nervous break down. i think i have regressed. i find myself acting more and more like a baby when situations are out of my control. desperate and grasping at straws and it's just hard to smile. i lost it all. i have nothing now. everything that was once important to me is now just gone. only i can see it still progressing without me. i can see everyone's happy. i can tell they are all having fun. always on the outside looking in to the fun i am not allowed to have anymore. and who can i blame? i am exactly how i've learned.AND I HATE I'VE BECOME FROM WHAT'S BEEN DONE TO ME! what do i do with all of these feelings growing up inside of me. i feel so doubtful and lost out of control. i don't know where to go. i just want a safe haven to crawl in and hibernate this life away. maybe i'm just not supposed to be happy or content maybe i'm supposed to just get used to being restless and never pleased. maybe this self torture is what karma thinks i need.