Fic: He Who Should Not Be [R]
A/N: Sorry this took so long to put together! I wrote this section, hated it, rewrote...still didn't want to have anything to do with it. Deleted it. Wrote something entirely different. That is this result. Would have been up earlier in the evening but I had a lost time incident reading Solitary Confinement. Mental Asylum AU. Kinda graphic with a perceivably not so happy ending. Loved the hell out of it.
--
John leaned up against the side of the building they had just exited, pretending not to be listening in on the conversation at hand.
“Really? You mean you want to stop in for a visit? I’d love that!”
“It’s not so much of a social call really. We were wondering if you would be able to help us out with a little predicament. Would there be any chance you could run a few neural scans on Bones?” Jim’s voice dropped had dropped in volume towards the end.
“Bones? Have I met him?”
“Er, well yeah, Bones - I mean, that’s Doctor McCoy’s nick name. At least the one I gave him.”
“No way!” she laughed. “He actually agreed to you calling him that?”
“Uh-huh, started calling him that when we first met. Never heard about that other one until well after, and ‘Bones’ is a hell of a lot better than Leonard.” John gave him a look. “Oh, I think he’s getting impatient…Is there any way you could pick us up again? It would be a lot faster than taking the bus or cab, a little less conspicuous too.”
Right, he thought, two Starfleet cadets hopping into an unmarked sedan in the middle of a crowded public street wouldn’t look conspicuous at all.
“I think I could have something arranged. May take a little while, where would you want to be picked up from?”
“I suppose we could go to O’Brien’s for a little while. Comm me when you have everything sorted out?”
“Sure thing, sounds like a date to me.”
Jim ended the conversation, slipping the communicator into a side pocket. Without mentioning a word he strode off in the direction of the aforementioned pub. It had taken very little effort on the younger man’s part to accept what John was; telling his friend where they were headed would have only been a wasted breath.
--
Xanda, being the somewhat excitable young woman that she was, had been more than happy to greet them at the lobby of the office complex she worked in. Jim received a very animated hug with a peck on the cheek for good measure. John was lucky to escape such a fate and was simply waved to.
“You’ll be happy to know almost all of the data is accounted for, and we’ll work on destroying all of physical evidence in the coming days.” She said pointedly at John. The tension he didn’t realize that had formed in his upper body filtered out.
“That’s good. You’ve analyzed everything in a span of three weeks?” It seemed unusual, but he didn’t know how many people actually worked at this facility after all.
“Not yet. The figures have been added to the computer database where we can run simulations if needed. That way there’s very little chance of someone getting a hold of something they shouldn’t. But enough about that, what did you need me to do for you this time?”
Jim was the one who spoke up, “About six or so months ago John started experiencing two distinctly different personalities. It didn’t happen very often at first and now it’s becoming more frequent, the last occurrence happening late this morning and the one before that was either late last night or very early this morning. Maybe both.”
“Hmm,” Xanda sounded curious as she cast her eyes at John. “I think I saw something of that the last time you were here. Know the general cause?”
“He is.” John stated. Jim Kirk had been the instigator with every episode. “Any more there’s been this nagging feeling somewhere deep inside then I black out for various periods of time.”
She couldn’t decide who to frown at more. In the end she gave up and motioned for them to continue the conversation in an office not far from the entrance. “You two get yourselves situated in there, I’ll be in shortly.”
They followed her direction, a little surprised to find themselves in an exam room reminiscent to that in a common doctor’s office. Not entirely something either of them had been expecting due to their last visit here.
Jim snickered, “I guess you get to sit up on the table.”
“Is she serious? Going to lock us up together in a small room while I go through more mental tests?” The older man frowned as he sat on the exam table; words clearly not matching his actions. Jim took a seat at a nearby chair near a computer terminal.
“Would you prefer to be strapped down to the table first?”
John groaned.
Xanda broke the uncomfortable silence minutes later when she entered the room with a tricorder in hand. “Lay down on the exam bed, I’m going to take a baseline reading. I’ll explain what’s next after I finish with that,” she said before John could open his mouth to ask what was obviously on his mind. “Tell me when you’re ready.”
Doing as he was told, he lay flat on the surface; dread slowly creeping into the back of his consciousness. Shoving the feeling away, John took a deep breath mentally willing himself into a state of calm.
“Go.”
The older man closed his eyes as the ‘young’ Doctor ran the smaller scanner along his head. Behind her, Jim shifted in his chair when the monitor beside him sprung to life. His fair haired companion made soft humming sounds as he read through the scan figures. Now Xanda was heard rummaging through a lab coat pocket, moments later John felt a small item being placed onto his forehead.
“What’s that?” he asked, opening his eyes and glancing upward toward the slim object. Since it sat well beyond his field of view he reached for it; only to have his hand set back down onto the table by the same woman who set it there in the first place.
“I’m going to stimulate your cerebral cortex in the hopes that I can open up your other personality.”
“Don’t…”
“Jim,” she called over to the younger man, “how dangerous would you say John’s ‘other self’ is?”
“Depends on the circumstances, I think. There may have been some minor differences, but I don’t think I would have been able to tell them apart last time…aside from him wanting me to know which one of them he was.”
The low sound of a growl emanated from John’s throat. “Xanda, I swear if you activate that thing I’ll-“
“You’ll what, John?” Jim sprang from his seat to step between the patient and Doctor. “Show us that you’re just as willing to injure another being as he is?”
Those blue eyes penetrating so deeply into him he needed to turn away; disgusted with himself. The older man’s left hand balled into a fist. Anger building steadily; ready to put an indent into either the table he was lying on or the wall beside him.
“That’s not…I’m…” not all that different, really. A strangled cry escaped him as he felt himself shut down.
--
“John?” A hand had a strong grip on his forearm.
“I honestly think I hate myself,” said to no one in particular. When he opened his eyes he saw two bright, curious faces peering over him. The young woman initiated another scan on the older man. John rolled his eyes, shaking his head at them. Moving to sit up, the pair stepped back several paces, giving him ample room.
The reason behind it slid down from his forehead and deposited itself upon his lap. A small, plain, metal disc. John picked it up to examine it, flipping it between his fingers a few times over. He had no idea what its intended purpose might have been, but it certainly wasn’t what Xanda had said it to be.
Or maybe it was. The corners of his mouth turned up ever so slightly; his shoulders shook with hard-to-suppress mirth. “I should have known…”
Setting the thing down, John returned his attention back to them; Jim had again positioned himself in front of the much smaller woman. “You were out for a good minute,” the younger man said in attempt to change the direction of conversation, “you’re still John, right?”
He frowned. “Who else would I be?” He contemplated that answer for a moment. “No, don’t answer that,” John grumbled.
Jim and Xanda let out sounds of relief almost at the same time.
“Could I see that hypo you’re likely to be carrying Xanda, dear?” She fished the small cylindrical object from her pocket and gave it to him with a light toss. He caught it easily, popped open the insertion port, and pulled out the medication vial from inside. “Sorry.” Her moment of confusion was erased as he snapped the hypo in two.
Xanda gasped. “But why did you…?” She looked at him with amazement.
“I’ve spent entirely too much time neutralizing threats against me to feel comfortable with you having that, no offense.” The older man slumped his back against the wall. “Had you wielded that against me I would have quite literally disarmed you before there was a chance to use it.” John shifted his impassive gaze from one set of startled eyes to the next. “The same goes to you too, kid.”
Jim double checked to be sure Xanda was still well behind him. “You’re-“
John heaved a sigh. “John,” stated wearily. “But I’m still not entirely myself; could snap if provoked. The lines are becoming blurred, but I’m still a danger, if you know what I mean.”
Given the looks on their faces they knew exactly what he meant.
“It’s like this,” he continued, hazel eyes cast towards the ground, “once upon a time a young man was given the power to protect the only person left to him; everyone else he knew died as a result of weapons designed for a terrible war. When that bloody deed was done, and the war was well over…he turned his ire against the local warlords who ruled with iron fists. They terrorized entire populations because the world was still too shaken to pull itself back together quickly. After a time when everything had stabilized he shut down a part of himself to not have to deal with the realization of continuing his terrible act. A gradual, widening split is made.”
John paused to glance up at the two standing in front of him. Jim’s mouth had turned down so slightly yet that look he didn’t want to see was there. Pity, understanding. Xanda’s cast more with curiosity with the want to learn more. John couldn’t stand to look at them, he glanced away again.
“It was wrong, he wasn’t needed any more, but it was all he had known for so long…he felt himself compelled to act his namesake. Until that little part of himself finally pushed back and locked him away. Years of hibernation later, he began to watch on his other half, how it handled the world…Now, he’s decided to piece himself back together slowly but surely. It’s hard, because that other part of himself doesn’t want to fully accept what he had done for so long in the past.”
The two younger individuals looked a little more at ease with him now; though their outward expressions belied their hearts. John had gone from being out cold, to near laughter, and now remorse. Jim was likely hopped up on adrenaline, ready to anticipate if or when John might become a threat. The young Doctor was a little more resolved. Maybe in an attempt to use whatever heightened senses she possessed to study him further.
Their reactions had made him tense again. John leaned forward, muscles coiled in anticipation, studying his opponent. Doubtless was he in his lethal ability; Jim would go down in mere seconds. Xanda, on the other hand, was the one killer needed to be wary about. Her own defense had been broken but in all likelihood all she would need to do was scream, someone would be to her in instantaneously.
John squeezed his eyes shut. He couldn’t do this. Not to them.
The blonde’s heavier footfalls approached the table. John could nearly feel the warmth of the other man’s body near his. He breathed deep, taking in that wholly comforting scent. Momentarily perplexed at how a man so foreign to this half of himself could feel so familiar.
I wish these wounds could heal so easily with that…he thought, having been kissed tenderly on to his dark scalp. He gently cupped the fair man’s chin, staring hard into it. “You remind me so much of her; right down to your blue eyes, light hair, and stubborn attitude.” He couldn’t suppress the grin that had formed on his face. “I think that’s why half of me tried to push you away as the other embraced you. All and all, I think I’m beginning to like you.”
Jim managed to laugh quietly at that, wrapping his arms John’s neck cautiously, draping them down his back. “I meant what I said earlier.” Kissing the older man fully on his lips this time, foreheads knocking together at its end.
“I know you meant what you said, a part of me will be glad to hear it again eventually.”
“You’re the same person.”
“Yes and no, not yet. Soon, I hope.” Jim, taking a hint, pulled away. John brought him back in, holding close. “Stay with me. I want this, want you.” It was mystifying how he could easily be influenced by his other self already.
“Should I give the two of you some time alone?” the young woman who had been nearly forgotten about asked meekly. Face flushed and green eyes brightly lit; Xanda looked as though she had very suddenly intruded on a private moment.
“No, I think we’ll be all right,” he said, turning back to gaze at Jim…who was also blushing fiercely. “Actually…I want to give it back, what you gave me. I want to have to earn him, even if it takes half a lifetime.”
She beamed at him proudly despite being thoroughly embarrassed. “No, you can keep it. It was only saline solution anyway… but I think you passed.”
He snorted at the announcement. “Figures. I’m not going to be very happy about that when I find out later.” The implications of what would happen had he failed this so-called test were ones he did not wish to discuss with himself. The road leading down that path was probably very dark indeed.
“Did you seriously think I’d hand you something like that?” She laughed innocently.
Jim, confused about the entire situation at hand, finally spoke up. “What are you two plotting?”
“If I’m as good of a Doctor as I hope I am, maybe you’ll find out in a couple of years.”
Pulling away, a word needn’t be said for John to know the blonde wasn’t satisfied with the answer.
He hummed thoughtfully, debating his response. “You don’t have to answer me now, but…Take everyone you currently know and love - even me - and completely remove them from the picture.” He paused for a moment, giving Jim time to think on it. “Got it? Then here’s this: what would you do with forever? After everyone you had became acquainted to had died, gone, and you had to remove yourself from Starfleet… Would you be able to live with that?”
The younger man opened his mouth, preparing an answer. John quickly covered the man’s mouth with his own, slipping his tongue in tentatively for good measure. Jim leaned into him, kissing for all that he was worth; their hands explored the other as best they could with the thick fabric of their cadet’s uniforms.
Of course, this was going to completely bias Jim’s answer; not that John could care so much at this exact moment.
Xanda squealed with joy when they both came up panting for air, “I love happy endings!” This time John wasn’t sure whose face was more red; Jim’s or his own. He muttered and Jim laughed shamelessly.
“You’re not ready to answer yet, kiddo. You’ve still got your whole life ahead of you. Give it a few years after you’ve learned to love being out in the black. A part of me had resigned myself to only having a few precious years with you; so don’t worry your pretty little head over it.”
“Hmm. If I try to answer would you kiss me senseless again?”
“Dammit Jim,” he groused. Try as he might, there was no way to hide the utter affection in his voice.
“All right boys. I’m going to open this door now. I hope you’ve gotten yourselves straightened out before then,” Xanda threatened playfully. They separated as John hopped down from the exam table, combing hair over with a hand before pulling his suit jacket down; Jim doing much the same in preparation.
“Good now?” She asked, opening the door.
“Not that you gave us much choice,” Jim replied. Ruffling her hair as he walked past; the action earned him a good-natured swat.
John stopped short at the door, looking pointedly at the younger woman. “Thanks, really. I’m not sure how I can-“
“Don’t get all emotional with me John Grimm!” she teased. “…I knew I should keep faith in you. Keep him alive up there for however long it takes and I’ll see to the rest. Now hurry along home, it is a school night after all.”
Jim cast a long shadow waiting at the sidewalk when a car finally pulled alongside. “A hell of a day, huh?” Jim’s smile faded as John came closer, “Hey, everything all right up there?”
“I think so?” John said, a little unsure. “I’m feeling a little light-headed.”
“Here I wanted to get to know you…again; but I guess you can pass out on the ride home if you need to.” He shrugged, opening the door for the older man.
“I don’t think I’m getting much of a choice. Listen, when I wake up tell me everything that happened. Reassure me even. I probably won’t like what it is you have to say.” He was fighting to stay awake, but promptly lost the battle when Jim slid next to him in the back seat.
--
When he came to again, John found himself curled up awkwardly in the back seat of a moving vehicle, his head resting against Jim’s lap. He felt a hand run through his dark hair with one hand, the other intertwined with one of his own. The free hand rubbed against his face, a vain attempt to release the pressure that had formed in his skull.
“What? Where?” Voice sounded though it had not seen use for a time.
“Shh, You were out for a while. We’re almost back to the Academy.”
The hand in his hair continued to stroke lightly. The muscles of his back were protesting faintly but John didn’t feel like putting up the effort to move. He couldn’t imagine a better place to be even if he tried.
John gasped as he was lightly shaken awake. The car had stopped; Jim nudging him into a sitting position. “Come on, I’ll help you walk back if you need it. We’re not far.”
He fumbled his way out of the car begrudgingly; at least his body was thanking him for finally getting mobile again. God, his head hurt. The vestibular system was out of sorts, balance thrown off. Kirk grabbed him as he stumbled clumsily.
“Fuck. What did you give me?” He leaned into Jim’s slighter frame. The younger man stood dutifully, watching John pinch the bridge of his nose before pressing a thumb into his knotted brow.
“Nothing. I think you’re making yourself better,” the words almost reassuring.
“Doesn’t feel like it.” The lit pathways and lamps that lit up the grounds were painfully too bright. The mother of all migraines, he concluded. Still, it wouldn’t be enough to keep them from walking to the men’s dormitory…even if it was partly assisted.
Jim keyed in the codes to both the dormitory and their room within. John was deposited onto the first bed (because really, by this time there was joint ownership on both of them). He sat there, hands lying limply on his thighs, head cocked at an angle, staring blankly in front of him.
Something was set down down beside him before hands were working on the clasps of John’s collar.
Jim’s fingers snapped together in front of the older man’s face. “Hey, space cadet. Help me undress you.” John blinked a few times, letting things come back into focus. He stared at his medkit for a moment. Jim shook his shoulder roughly. “I mean it.” John worked on his uniform, setting the pieces wherever they eventually landed while Jim started taking his own things off.
“Pants too,” the blonde reminded him. Right. He stood up, shucking off everything from the waist down in a random direction.
“Look at me,” Jim said firmly. John’s glassy eyed stare met Jim’s. “Which one of these is the sedative?” His gaze tilted down to the now opened medkit.
“Why?”
“How bad does your head hurt? Do you think you can fall to sleep?”
No, he probably wouldn’t be able to. The pain all-encompassing, he swore he could feel it all the way back into his brain stem now. John simply shook his head.
“Okay then, you’re the doctor…walk me through setting this up.”
John looked hard at the assorted vials, picking one out. “That one. Put it in the port, shut the case, then dial it to maximum. Inject into jugular for best result,” the words mumbled at best.
Jim pulled it out and set everything, showing John when he was finished. Everything looked satisfactory. The older man started to pull the sheets back, already welcoming the coming relief. His lover crawled in beside him from the other side; pressing their bodies together save for the arm now snaking up John’s body with the hypospray.
A hiss, sting, medication pulsed through his system. The synthetic chromosome did its job, wiping it from the body in due time. Luckily not before the pain lessened enough for John to go limp with sleep.
--
Part Ten: A Proposal | Part Twelve: TBA
--
John leaned up against the side of the building they had just exited, pretending not to be listening in on the conversation at hand.
“Really? You mean you want to stop in for a visit? I’d love that!”
“It’s not so much of a social call really. We were wondering if you would be able to help us out with a little predicament. Would there be any chance you could run a few neural scans on Bones?” Jim’s voice dropped had dropped in volume towards the end.
“Bones? Have I met him?”
“Er, well yeah, Bones - I mean, that’s Doctor McCoy’s nick name. At least the one I gave him.”
“No way!” she laughed. “He actually agreed to you calling him that?”
“Uh-huh, started calling him that when we first met. Never heard about that other one until well after, and ‘Bones’ is a hell of a lot better than Leonard.” John gave him a look. “Oh, I think he’s getting impatient…Is there any way you could pick us up again? It would be a lot faster than taking the bus or cab, a little less conspicuous too.”
Right, he thought, two Starfleet cadets hopping into an unmarked sedan in the middle of a crowded public street wouldn’t look conspicuous at all.
“I think I could have something arranged. May take a little while, where would you want to be picked up from?”
“I suppose we could go to O’Brien’s for a little while. Comm me when you have everything sorted out?”
“Sure thing, sounds like a date to me.”
Jim ended the conversation, slipping the communicator into a side pocket. Without mentioning a word he strode off in the direction of the aforementioned pub. It had taken very little effort on the younger man’s part to accept what John was; telling his friend where they were headed would have only been a wasted breath.
--
Xanda, being the somewhat excitable young woman that she was, had been more than happy to greet them at the lobby of the office complex she worked in. Jim received a very animated hug with a peck on the cheek for good measure. John was lucky to escape such a fate and was simply waved to.
“You’ll be happy to know almost all of the data is accounted for, and we’ll work on destroying all of physical evidence in the coming days.” She said pointedly at John. The tension he didn’t realize that had formed in his upper body filtered out.
“That’s good. You’ve analyzed everything in a span of three weeks?” It seemed unusual, but he didn’t know how many people actually worked at this facility after all.
“Not yet. The figures have been added to the computer database where we can run simulations if needed. That way there’s very little chance of someone getting a hold of something they shouldn’t. But enough about that, what did you need me to do for you this time?”
Jim was the one who spoke up, “About six or so months ago John started experiencing two distinctly different personalities. It didn’t happen very often at first and now it’s becoming more frequent, the last occurrence happening late this morning and the one before that was either late last night or very early this morning. Maybe both.”
“Hmm,” Xanda sounded curious as she cast her eyes at John. “I think I saw something of that the last time you were here. Know the general cause?”
“He is.” John stated. Jim Kirk had been the instigator with every episode. “Any more there’s been this nagging feeling somewhere deep inside then I black out for various periods of time.”
She couldn’t decide who to frown at more. In the end she gave up and motioned for them to continue the conversation in an office not far from the entrance. “You two get yourselves situated in there, I’ll be in shortly.”
They followed her direction, a little surprised to find themselves in an exam room reminiscent to that in a common doctor’s office. Not entirely something either of them had been expecting due to their last visit here.
Jim snickered, “I guess you get to sit up on the table.”
“Is she serious? Going to lock us up together in a small room while I go through more mental tests?” The older man frowned as he sat on the exam table; words clearly not matching his actions. Jim took a seat at a nearby chair near a computer terminal.
“Would you prefer to be strapped down to the table first?”
John groaned.
Xanda broke the uncomfortable silence minutes later when she entered the room with a tricorder in hand. “Lay down on the exam bed, I’m going to take a baseline reading. I’ll explain what’s next after I finish with that,” she said before John could open his mouth to ask what was obviously on his mind. “Tell me when you’re ready.”
Doing as he was told, he lay flat on the surface; dread slowly creeping into the back of his consciousness. Shoving the feeling away, John took a deep breath mentally willing himself into a state of calm.
“Go.”
The older man closed his eyes as the ‘young’ Doctor ran the smaller scanner along his head. Behind her, Jim shifted in his chair when the monitor beside him sprung to life. His fair haired companion made soft humming sounds as he read through the scan figures. Now Xanda was heard rummaging through a lab coat pocket, moments later John felt a small item being placed onto his forehead.
“What’s that?” he asked, opening his eyes and glancing upward toward the slim object. Since it sat well beyond his field of view he reached for it; only to have his hand set back down onto the table by the same woman who set it there in the first place.
“I’m going to stimulate your cerebral cortex in the hopes that I can open up your other personality.”
“Don’t…”
“Jim,” she called over to the younger man, “how dangerous would you say John’s ‘other self’ is?”
“Depends on the circumstances, I think. There may have been some minor differences, but I don’t think I would have been able to tell them apart last time…aside from him wanting me to know which one of them he was.”
The low sound of a growl emanated from John’s throat. “Xanda, I swear if you activate that thing I’ll-“
“You’ll what, John?” Jim sprang from his seat to step between the patient and Doctor. “Show us that you’re just as willing to injure another being as he is?”
Those blue eyes penetrating so deeply into him he needed to turn away; disgusted with himself. The older man’s left hand balled into a fist. Anger building steadily; ready to put an indent into either the table he was lying on or the wall beside him.
“That’s not…I’m…” not all that different, really. A strangled cry escaped him as he felt himself shut down.
--
“John?” A hand had a strong grip on his forearm.
“I honestly think I hate myself,” said to no one in particular. When he opened his eyes he saw two bright, curious faces peering over him. The young woman initiated another scan on the older man. John rolled his eyes, shaking his head at them. Moving to sit up, the pair stepped back several paces, giving him ample room.
The reason behind it slid down from his forehead and deposited itself upon his lap. A small, plain, metal disc. John picked it up to examine it, flipping it between his fingers a few times over. He had no idea what its intended purpose might have been, but it certainly wasn’t what Xanda had said it to be.
Or maybe it was. The corners of his mouth turned up ever so slightly; his shoulders shook with hard-to-suppress mirth. “I should have known…”
Setting the thing down, John returned his attention back to them; Jim had again positioned himself in front of the much smaller woman. “You were out for a good minute,” the younger man said in attempt to change the direction of conversation, “you’re still John, right?”
He frowned. “Who else would I be?” He contemplated that answer for a moment. “No, don’t answer that,” John grumbled.
Jim and Xanda let out sounds of relief almost at the same time.
“Could I see that hypo you’re likely to be carrying Xanda, dear?” She fished the small cylindrical object from her pocket and gave it to him with a light toss. He caught it easily, popped open the insertion port, and pulled out the medication vial from inside. “Sorry.” Her moment of confusion was erased as he snapped the hypo in two.
Xanda gasped. “But why did you…?” She looked at him with amazement.
“I’ve spent entirely too much time neutralizing threats against me to feel comfortable with you having that, no offense.” The older man slumped his back against the wall. “Had you wielded that against me I would have quite literally disarmed you before there was a chance to use it.” John shifted his impassive gaze from one set of startled eyes to the next. “The same goes to you too, kid.”
Jim double checked to be sure Xanda was still well behind him. “You’re-“
John heaved a sigh. “John,” stated wearily. “But I’m still not entirely myself; could snap if provoked. The lines are becoming blurred, but I’m still a danger, if you know what I mean.”
Given the looks on their faces they knew exactly what he meant.
“It’s like this,” he continued, hazel eyes cast towards the ground, “once upon a time a young man was given the power to protect the only person left to him; everyone else he knew died as a result of weapons designed for a terrible war. When that bloody deed was done, and the war was well over…he turned his ire against the local warlords who ruled with iron fists. They terrorized entire populations because the world was still too shaken to pull itself back together quickly. After a time when everything had stabilized he shut down a part of himself to not have to deal with the realization of continuing his terrible act. A gradual, widening split is made.”
John paused to glance up at the two standing in front of him. Jim’s mouth had turned down so slightly yet that look he didn’t want to see was there. Pity, understanding. Xanda’s cast more with curiosity with the want to learn more. John couldn’t stand to look at them, he glanced away again.
“It was wrong, he wasn’t needed any more, but it was all he had known for so long…he felt himself compelled to act his namesake. Until that little part of himself finally pushed back and locked him away. Years of hibernation later, he began to watch on his other half, how it handled the world…Now, he’s decided to piece himself back together slowly but surely. It’s hard, because that other part of himself doesn’t want to fully accept what he had done for so long in the past.”
The two younger individuals looked a little more at ease with him now; though their outward expressions belied their hearts. John had gone from being out cold, to near laughter, and now remorse. Jim was likely hopped up on adrenaline, ready to anticipate if or when John might become a threat. The young Doctor was a little more resolved. Maybe in an attempt to use whatever heightened senses she possessed to study him further.
Their reactions had made him tense again. John leaned forward, muscles coiled in anticipation, studying his opponent. Doubtless was he in his lethal ability; Jim would go down in mere seconds. Xanda, on the other hand, was the one killer needed to be wary about. Her own defense had been broken but in all likelihood all she would need to do was scream, someone would be to her in instantaneously.
John squeezed his eyes shut. He couldn’t do this. Not to them.
The blonde’s heavier footfalls approached the table. John could nearly feel the warmth of the other man’s body near his. He breathed deep, taking in that wholly comforting scent. Momentarily perplexed at how a man so foreign to this half of himself could feel so familiar.
I wish these wounds could heal so easily with that…he thought, having been kissed tenderly on to his dark scalp. He gently cupped the fair man’s chin, staring hard into it. “You remind me so much of her; right down to your blue eyes, light hair, and stubborn attitude.” He couldn’t suppress the grin that had formed on his face. “I think that’s why half of me tried to push you away as the other embraced you. All and all, I think I’m beginning to like you.”
Jim managed to laugh quietly at that, wrapping his arms John’s neck cautiously, draping them down his back. “I meant what I said earlier.” Kissing the older man fully on his lips this time, foreheads knocking together at its end.
“I know you meant what you said, a part of me will be glad to hear it again eventually.”
“You’re the same person.”
“Yes and no, not yet. Soon, I hope.” Jim, taking a hint, pulled away. John brought him back in, holding close. “Stay with me. I want this, want you.” It was mystifying how he could easily be influenced by his other self already.
“Should I give the two of you some time alone?” the young woman who had been nearly forgotten about asked meekly. Face flushed and green eyes brightly lit; Xanda looked as though she had very suddenly intruded on a private moment.
“No, I think we’ll be all right,” he said, turning back to gaze at Jim…who was also blushing fiercely. “Actually…I want to give it back, what you gave me. I want to have to earn him, even if it takes half a lifetime.”
She beamed at him proudly despite being thoroughly embarrassed. “No, you can keep it. It was only saline solution anyway… but I think you passed.”
He snorted at the announcement. “Figures. I’m not going to be very happy about that when I find out later.” The implications of what would happen had he failed this so-called test were ones he did not wish to discuss with himself. The road leading down that path was probably very dark indeed.
“Did you seriously think I’d hand you something like that?” She laughed innocently.
Jim, confused about the entire situation at hand, finally spoke up. “What are you two plotting?”
“If I’m as good of a Doctor as I hope I am, maybe you’ll find out in a couple of years.”
Pulling away, a word needn’t be said for John to know the blonde wasn’t satisfied with the answer.
He hummed thoughtfully, debating his response. “You don’t have to answer me now, but…Take everyone you currently know and love - even me - and completely remove them from the picture.” He paused for a moment, giving Jim time to think on it. “Got it? Then here’s this: what would you do with forever? After everyone you had became acquainted to had died, gone, and you had to remove yourself from Starfleet… Would you be able to live with that?”
The younger man opened his mouth, preparing an answer. John quickly covered the man’s mouth with his own, slipping his tongue in tentatively for good measure. Jim leaned into him, kissing for all that he was worth; their hands explored the other as best they could with the thick fabric of their cadet’s uniforms.
Of course, this was going to completely bias Jim’s answer; not that John could care so much at this exact moment.
Xanda squealed with joy when they both came up panting for air, “I love happy endings!” This time John wasn’t sure whose face was more red; Jim’s or his own. He muttered and Jim laughed shamelessly.
“You’re not ready to answer yet, kiddo. You’ve still got your whole life ahead of you. Give it a few years after you’ve learned to love being out in the black. A part of me had resigned myself to only having a few precious years with you; so don’t worry your pretty little head over it.”
“Hmm. If I try to answer would you kiss me senseless again?”
“Dammit Jim,” he groused. Try as he might, there was no way to hide the utter affection in his voice.
“All right boys. I’m going to open this door now. I hope you’ve gotten yourselves straightened out before then,” Xanda threatened playfully. They separated as John hopped down from the exam table, combing hair over with a hand before pulling his suit jacket down; Jim doing much the same in preparation.
“Good now?” She asked, opening the door.
“Not that you gave us much choice,” Jim replied. Ruffling her hair as he walked past; the action earned him a good-natured swat.
John stopped short at the door, looking pointedly at the younger woman. “Thanks, really. I’m not sure how I can-“
“Don’t get all emotional with me John Grimm!” she teased. “…I knew I should keep faith in you. Keep him alive up there for however long it takes and I’ll see to the rest. Now hurry along home, it is a school night after all.”
Jim cast a long shadow waiting at the sidewalk when a car finally pulled alongside. “A hell of a day, huh?” Jim’s smile faded as John came closer, “Hey, everything all right up there?”
“I think so?” John said, a little unsure. “I’m feeling a little light-headed.”
“Here I wanted to get to know you…again; but I guess you can pass out on the ride home if you need to.” He shrugged, opening the door for the older man.
“I don’t think I’m getting much of a choice. Listen, when I wake up tell me everything that happened. Reassure me even. I probably won’t like what it is you have to say.” He was fighting to stay awake, but promptly lost the battle when Jim slid next to him in the back seat.
--
When he came to again, John found himself curled up awkwardly in the back seat of a moving vehicle, his head resting against Jim’s lap. He felt a hand run through his dark hair with one hand, the other intertwined with one of his own. The free hand rubbed against his face, a vain attempt to release the pressure that had formed in his skull.
“What? Where?” Voice sounded though it had not seen use for a time.
“Shh, You were out for a while. We’re almost back to the Academy.”
The hand in his hair continued to stroke lightly. The muscles of his back were protesting faintly but John didn’t feel like putting up the effort to move. He couldn’t imagine a better place to be even if he tried.
John gasped as he was lightly shaken awake. The car had stopped; Jim nudging him into a sitting position. “Come on, I’ll help you walk back if you need it. We’re not far.”
He fumbled his way out of the car begrudgingly; at least his body was thanking him for finally getting mobile again. God, his head hurt. The vestibular system was out of sorts, balance thrown off. Kirk grabbed him as he stumbled clumsily.
“Fuck. What did you give me?” He leaned into Jim’s slighter frame. The younger man stood dutifully, watching John pinch the bridge of his nose before pressing a thumb into his knotted brow.
“Nothing. I think you’re making yourself better,” the words almost reassuring.
“Doesn’t feel like it.” The lit pathways and lamps that lit up the grounds were painfully too bright. The mother of all migraines, he concluded. Still, it wouldn’t be enough to keep them from walking to the men’s dormitory…even if it was partly assisted.
Jim keyed in the codes to both the dormitory and their room within. John was deposited onto the first bed (because really, by this time there was joint ownership on both of them). He sat there, hands lying limply on his thighs, head cocked at an angle, staring blankly in front of him.
Something was set down down beside him before hands were working on the clasps of John’s collar.
Jim’s fingers snapped together in front of the older man’s face. “Hey, space cadet. Help me undress you.” John blinked a few times, letting things come back into focus. He stared at his medkit for a moment. Jim shook his shoulder roughly. “I mean it.” John worked on his uniform, setting the pieces wherever they eventually landed while Jim started taking his own things off.
“Pants too,” the blonde reminded him. Right. He stood up, shucking off everything from the waist down in a random direction.
“Look at me,” Jim said firmly. John’s glassy eyed stare met Jim’s. “Which one of these is the sedative?” His gaze tilted down to the now opened medkit.
“Why?”
“How bad does your head hurt? Do you think you can fall to sleep?”
No, he probably wouldn’t be able to. The pain all-encompassing, he swore he could feel it all the way back into his brain stem now. John simply shook his head.
“Okay then, you’re the doctor…walk me through setting this up.”
John looked hard at the assorted vials, picking one out. “That one. Put it in the port, shut the case, then dial it to maximum. Inject into jugular for best result,” the words mumbled at best.
Jim pulled it out and set everything, showing John when he was finished. Everything looked satisfactory. The older man started to pull the sheets back, already welcoming the coming relief. His lover crawled in beside him from the other side; pressing their bodies together save for the arm now snaking up John’s body with the hypospray.
A hiss, sting, medication pulsed through his system. The synthetic chromosome did its job, wiping it from the body in due time. Luckily not before the pain lessened enough for John to go limp with sleep.
--
Part Ten: A Proposal | Part Twelve: TBA