A few worries and whatnot
I felt like crap last winter. I feel much better now.
I've been climbing upwards for months now. Spring was amazing, and summer's been rad. (Yes, I said 'rad'.)
Summer has always been the season when I recharge my mental batteries so I have enough energy to survive the rest of the year. Especially so I have enough energy to survive the winter season.
I actually enjoyed bits and pieces of last winter. Like I said earlier, for example, I had a lot of fun during spring. I was in a good place. Well, winter-spring. Not spring-spring. But that, too, of course.
It was a very peculiar thing for me to feel good during winter. The winter season can be beautiful and fun and it's not that I hate it. It's just very dark and inconvenient and connected to a sense of pessimism for me. And let me clarify, when I say winter is dark I mean it's literally dark outside most of the day because the sun sets very early.
I think this winter is going to be better although I obviously don't know for sure. The prospect of it scares me a little, I must admit. I think a lot of this is pure emotional habit. I have this default negative feeling when it comes to winter.
It's kind of confusing (not to mention conflicting) to feel hopeful, yet scared. Scared because a part of me is sure it'll be crap like it always has been.
I definitely think I prefer feeling a mix of emotions, though, instead of simply feeling bad. It's true that it's easier to deal with bad things if you already feel like shit, expect shit, and everything is shit. Period. At least it is for me. If you're already at the bottom of the well you can't go any deeper. You can't fall down, and that's the best bit because I hate getting up only to fall down time and time again.
For that precise reason it can be very easy to stay down. If you're down, and you don't care, then the bad things are only things. There is no bad because there is no good. It makes it easier to deal with everything negative thrown your way. But once you get up again you realize just how nice it is to feel good. I definitely prefer to feel good even if it means I have to struggle with bad things every now and then. It's not always easy dealing with depressing stuff when you're knocked off your happy throne all of a sudden, no, but the effort you put into getting up again is definitely worth it.
Even when you know it's worth it, though, it can be tricky to keep feeling good. Finding the strength to get back up again when you're feeling down because of negative emotions can be hard.
That's why a small part of me is freaking out when it gets dark in the evening.
I know I'll be fine but I still worry, you know? I think of last winter and worry it'll be the same even though things are different now. It's annoying that it barely makes sense. I keep contradicting myself. Then again, I think, this is what I say/worry about at the end of every summer. And I always make it through the year. Even if it turns rough I will somehow make it through because I always do! It's that simple. The odds are ever in my favour.
But then I also think that, you know, it gets harder and harder every year.
I don't know.
I can't really stand the idea of summer being over already. It's not even over yet! But things are slowly going back to their normal fall/winter schedules and the darkness outside my window is a constant depressing reminder of it. It freaks me out.
If I was in the same bad place as I was last fall I'd fearlessly stroll around in the dark, not caring about anything. Which can seem like a pretty sweet deal at first glance. It does still seem pretty great even to me because to be honest I'm actually quite scared of feeling this good. It was easier when my mind had been wiped blank from all the negative thoughts. Caring is scary. I feel utterly vulnerable and it's terrifying. But it's worth it, it's all so worth it.
What terrifies me even more than this fear of the dark (figuratively speaking, because I don't actually fear the dark itself as such) is the fact that I used to not fear it.
I never want to go back to that.
I've been climbing upwards for months now. Spring was amazing, and summer's been rad. (Yes, I said 'rad'.)
Summer has always been the season when I recharge my mental batteries so I have enough energy to survive the rest of the year. Especially so I have enough energy to survive the winter season.
I actually enjoyed bits and pieces of last winter. Like I said earlier, for example, I had a lot of fun during spring. I was in a good place. Well, winter-spring. Not spring-spring. But that, too, of course.
It was a very peculiar thing for me to feel good during winter. The winter season can be beautiful and fun and it's not that I hate it. It's just very dark and inconvenient and connected to a sense of pessimism for me. And let me clarify, when I say winter is dark I mean it's literally dark outside most of the day because the sun sets very early.
I think this winter is going to be better although I obviously don't know for sure. The prospect of it scares me a little, I must admit. I think a lot of this is pure emotional habit. I have this default negative feeling when it comes to winter.
It's kind of confusing (not to mention conflicting) to feel hopeful, yet scared. Scared because a part of me is sure it'll be crap like it always has been.
I definitely think I prefer feeling a mix of emotions, though, instead of simply feeling bad. It's true that it's easier to deal with bad things if you already feel like shit, expect shit, and everything is shit. Period. At least it is for me. If you're already at the bottom of the well you can't go any deeper. You can't fall down, and that's the best bit because I hate getting up only to fall down time and time again.
For that precise reason it can be very easy to stay down. If you're down, and you don't care, then the bad things are only things. There is no bad because there is no good. It makes it easier to deal with everything negative thrown your way. But once you get up again you realize just how nice it is to feel good. I definitely prefer to feel good even if it means I have to struggle with bad things every now and then. It's not always easy dealing with depressing stuff when you're knocked off your happy throne all of a sudden, no, but the effort you put into getting up again is definitely worth it.
Even when you know it's worth it, though, it can be tricky to keep feeling good. Finding the strength to get back up again when you're feeling down because of negative emotions can be hard.
That's why a small part of me is freaking out when it gets dark in the evening.
I know I'll be fine but I still worry, you know? I think of last winter and worry it'll be the same even though things are different now. It's annoying that it barely makes sense. I keep contradicting myself. Then again, I think, this is what I say/worry about at the end of every summer. And I always make it through the year. Even if it turns rough I will somehow make it through because I always do! It's that simple. The odds are ever in my favour.
But then I also think that, you know, it gets harder and harder every year.
I don't know.
I can't really stand the idea of summer being over already. It's not even over yet! But things are slowly going back to their normal fall/winter schedules and the darkness outside my window is a constant depressing reminder of it. It freaks me out.
If I was in the same bad place as I was last fall I'd fearlessly stroll around in the dark, not caring about anything. Which can seem like a pretty sweet deal at first glance. It does still seem pretty great even to me because to be honest I'm actually quite scared of feeling this good. It was easier when my mind had been wiped blank from all the negative thoughts. Caring is scary. I feel utterly vulnerable and it's terrifying. But it's worth it, it's all so worth it.
What terrifies me even more than this fear of the dark (figuratively speaking, because I don't actually fear the dark itself as such) is the fact that I used to not fear it.
I never want to go back to that.