I think I'm depressed.
I like I'm hitting a low point. I hate summer, I'm feeling lonely, I'm worried about my future, etc. I envy anyone with a family and I always look in the mirror hating what I see. I hate my body, I hate my face, I hate that I'm fat, I hate that I can't be normal. I have so many psychological problems, that I don't even know how I can have a relationship with anyone.
They say if you don't love yourself then no one else can either. Well then I'm screwed! I feel... out of place. I feel like the world is passing me by and all I can do is watch as people go on living what I always wanted. I was the one who wanted a husband and a family, yet all these girls I went to school with are getting them before me! Is it because I'm ugly? That I'm fat? Is it because I won't sleep around? Or because I'm not happy and peppy that I can't get a man? I've noticed that all the relationships I've had, few they were, that I got bored with them. That and they weren't strong, like I believe I need a man to be.
Sometimes I wonder if maybe I could find a hermaphrodite. Girl on the top, male on the bottom. Maybe I'd feel more comfortable with that. Girls don't intimidate me. I've been raised around girls and only two men, really only one man and he was my grandfather. Maybe I'm just a freak, for wanting that. But I can't help it. I want someone who is strong both in mind and body. I want someone who can tell me "no" without making me feel insignificant. I want someone who wants a family. Who is flexible and can roll with the punches that life dishes out. But I want to feel safe and comfortable with them. I want to feel that I'm worth something, and not feel like a whore or a pity.
I don't feel worth anything.
Why do I always seem to become the bad one or a bitch? I try, but I become frustrated and angry quickly. I need someone with a thick hide, someone who can deal with mood swings and foods cravings. Someone who can talk sense to me. Someone who is open-minded.
I don't feel like my wants are hard to difficult or demanding. But it seems that they are. I feel like I don't belong in this.. time frame. I think I would have been better suited to something 50, 60 years ago, when things were simple and sex wasn't that big of a deal. When relationships were about emotions instead of being physical.
Sometimes I feel like I have to runaway from home to grow. That maybe I should have left home to go to college right out of high school, someplace far away to try and live on my own with no family to be my crutch.
I've been trying to improve myself. I've been trying to stop biting my nails and letting them grow. I've been trying to eat better and go to the gym more, but I have been slacking in the latter. I've been eating sandwiches more and I switched to diet sodas and have been drinking more water lately. I've been trying to remake my wardrobe trying to make in more grown-up, the same with my room. I've been trying to work on my skin, to try and get rid of my acne. And I made a deal with my mother. If I don't lost 10-20 pounds by my birthday, I'm going to get the breast reduction. I'm really trying to better myself to make myself feel better, but to also try to draw in potential mates. So far, I'm not doing a very good job.
I've been thinking that I may need to go back on medicine and maybe try group therapy. And maybe get a hobby. Something to do and a way to interact with others.
Maybe I should just give up. I didn't think I would need either but I believe depression has hit me. If I couldn't notice it, then what else haven't I noticed?
They say if you don't love yourself then no one else can either. Well then I'm screwed! I feel... out of place. I feel like the world is passing me by and all I can do is watch as people go on living what I always wanted. I was the one who wanted a husband and a family, yet all these girls I went to school with are getting them before me! Is it because I'm ugly? That I'm fat? Is it because I won't sleep around? Or because I'm not happy and peppy that I can't get a man? I've noticed that all the relationships I've had, few they were, that I got bored with them. That and they weren't strong, like I believe I need a man to be.
Sometimes I wonder if maybe I could find a hermaphrodite. Girl on the top, male on the bottom. Maybe I'd feel more comfortable with that. Girls don't intimidate me. I've been raised around girls and only two men, really only one man and he was my grandfather. Maybe I'm just a freak, for wanting that. But I can't help it. I want someone who is strong both in mind and body. I want someone who can tell me "no" without making me feel insignificant. I want someone who wants a family. Who is flexible and can roll with the punches that life dishes out. But I want to feel safe and comfortable with them. I want to feel that I'm worth something, and not feel like a whore or a pity.
I don't feel worth anything.
Why do I always seem to become the bad one or a bitch? I try, but I become frustrated and angry quickly. I need someone with a thick hide, someone who can deal with mood swings and foods cravings. Someone who can talk sense to me. Someone who is open-minded.
I don't feel like my wants are hard to difficult or demanding. But it seems that they are. I feel like I don't belong in this.. time frame. I think I would have been better suited to something 50, 60 years ago, when things were simple and sex wasn't that big of a deal. When relationships were about emotions instead of being physical.
Sometimes I feel like I have to runaway from home to grow. That maybe I should have left home to go to college right out of high school, someplace far away to try and live on my own with no family to be my crutch.
I've been trying to improve myself. I've been trying to stop biting my nails and letting them grow. I've been trying to eat better and go to the gym more, but I have been slacking in the latter. I've been eating sandwiches more and I switched to diet sodas and have been drinking more water lately. I've been trying to remake my wardrobe trying to make in more grown-up, the same with my room. I've been trying to work on my skin, to try and get rid of my acne. And I made a deal with my mother. If I don't lost 10-20 pounds by my birthday, I'm going to get the breast reduction. I'm really trying to better myself to make myself feel better, but to also try to draw in potential mates. So far, I'm not doing a very good job.
I've been thinking that I may need to go back on medicine and maybe try group therapy. And maybe get a hobby. Something to do and a way to interact with others.
Maybe I should just give up. I didn't think I would need either but I believe depression has hit me. If I couldn't notice it, then what else haven't I noticed?