Thoughts, memories, dreams and other stuff
Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, all tumbling around in my head: things to do, things I want to do, things I'm obsessing over, things I'm trying NOT to obsess over... it's all a bit crazy inside my head sometimes.
We had the time switch today, had to change some of the clocks here at work, and I’m going to need to do that to a couple of them at home as well. More weirdass dreams last night (well, afternoon in my case.) I was trying to cook a bunch of food and it kept disappearing on me, being taken and eaten out of sight by other people in the house. This time it was one of the houses I resided back when we lived in Missouri. Well, technically, it was a trailer not a house, but still… The trailer was a bit on the small side, I guess since at that point in time, it was only me, Tiff and Andy, so when my parents were looking around for another home, they felt we didn’t need that big of a place to stay at.
As with a lot of other things, Tiff got the shortest end of the stick in that deal, her room was right next to the living room and while she’d go to bed around 9:30, mom and Jim would usually be in the living room, playing some movie on their big TV with STEREO SOUND!
I can’t imagine how shitty that would be, trying to sleep with stuff like Cliffhanger playing at full blast in the room next door. Then another thing they’d do is hold conversations in that same room, sometimes about Tiffany herself and mom would say several not so complimentary things.
Not sure I’ve mentioned this, but in many respects mom was just really unfair to Tiff and Andy, especially Tiffany cause she was younger, and, I presume, easier to bully. Imagine living with someone that nothing you do seems to please them. They yell at your for everything, and things you do right is consider “what your were supposed to do” anyway, and you get a picture of our home life.
I guess it’s not surprising that Tiffany moved out at seventeen years old.
God, been nearly twelve years now and I still get angry when I think on some of the things she said and did to her. I also get angry at myself as well, thinking I should have stood up for Tiffany more. Told my mom that she was wrong, that was being an unreasonable bitch and that she needed to back off. I mean, in many ways, she was a hell of a more of a sister to me than my real sister ever was.
Anyone else have any experience with that? I mean, you know someone’s being treated unfairly but you just feel there’s nothing you can do. Standing up for things isn’t as easy as it sounds, especially when it’s family you gotta stand up to. I did manage a little bit, though… I’d get angry sometimes and tell mom she was wrong in the things she was saying, especially when she’d accuse Tiff of not doing some stupid chore or another that I saw her do.
I get amazed sometimes at how many things from the past I still dwell on… I can’t help but think I need to take a tall glass of Get The Fuck Over It and go on. I think part of the problem is that I’ve been on my own for such a relatively brief time (two years this December), that I’m still kind of trapped in the mindset I had before… it’ll take some time, if ever, before I can figure out what’s really “me” and what is just stuff that I’ve been forced to act like.
Course, part of the problem with the whole “standing on your own two feet” things the occasionally financial set back. I mean, here I am, trying to be independent, on my own, take care of myself, and then, boom, car breaks down, no money to fix, so who do I have to turn?
You guessed it.
I know, I know, we all need help sometimes, there’s always things that we can’t handle by ourselves but…
(shrugs)
We had the time switch today, had to change some of the clocks here at work, and I’m going to need to do that to a couple of them at home as well. More weirdass dreams last night (well, afternoon in my case.) I was trying to cook a bunch of food and it kept disappearing on me, being taken and eaten out of sight by other people in the house. This time it was one of the houses I resided back when we lived in Missouri. Well, technically, it was a trailer not a house, but still… The trailer was a bit on the small side, I guess since at that point in time, it was only me, Tiff and Andy, so when my parents were looking around for another home, they felt we didn’t need that big of a place to stay at.
As with a lot of other things, Tiff got the shortest end of the stick in that deal, her room was right next to the living room and while she’d go to bed around 9:30, mom and Jim would usually be in the living room, playing some movie on their big TV with STEREO SOUND!
I can’t imagine how shitty that would be, trying to sleep with stuff like Cliffhanger playing at full blast in the room next door. Then another thing they’d do is hold conversations in that same room, sometimes about Tiffany herself and mom would say several not so complimentary things.
Not sure I’ve mentioned this, but in many respects mom was just really unfair to Tiff and Andy, especially Tiffany cause she was younger, and, I presume, easier to bully. Imagine living with someone that nothing you do seems to please them. They yell at your for everything, and things you do right is consider “what your were supposed to do” anyway, and you get a picture of our home life.
I guess it’s not surprising that Tiffany moved out at seventeen years old.
God, been nearly twelve years now and I still get angry when I think on some of the things she said and did to her. I also get angry at myself as well, thinking I should have stood up for Tiffany more. Told my mom that she was wrong, that was being an unreasonable bitch and that she needed to back off. I mean, in many ways, she was a hell of a more of a sister to me than my real sister ever was.
Anyone else have any experience with that? I mean, you know someone’s being treated unfairly but you just feel there’s nothing you can do. Standing up for things isn’t as easy as it sounds, especially when it’s family you gotta stand up to. I did manage a little bit, though… I’d get angry sometimes and tell mom she was wrong in the things she was saying, especially when she’d accuse Tiff of not doing some stupid chore or another that I saw her do.
I get amazed sometimes at how many things from the past I still dwell on… I can’t help but think I need to take a tall glass of Get The Fuck Over It and go on. I think part of the problem is that I’ve been on my own for such a relatively brief time (two years this December), that I’m still kind of trapped in the mindset I had before… it’ll take some time, if ever, before I can figure out what’s really “me” and what is just stuff that I’ve been forced to act like.
Course, part of the problem with the whole “standing on your own two feet” things the occasionally financial set back. I mean, here I am, trying to be independent, on my own, take care of myself, and then, boom, car breaks down, no money to fix, so who do I have to turn?
You guessed it.
I know, I know, we all need help sometimes, there’s always things that we can’t handle by ourselves but…
(shrugs)