What do you want me to say?
Date: Thursday, 7 June, 2001
Time: early afternoon, just after this
Location: Spinner's End
Characters Involved: Remus Lupin, Severus Snape
Rating: I doubt more than PG for potential language
( Lie to me. -- BtVS )
Time: early afternoon, just after this
Location: Spinner's End
Characters Involved: Remus Lupin, Severus Snape
Rating: I doubt more than PG for potential language
( Lie to me. -- BtVS )
"I don't think I can do this," he said thickly, inhaling deeply with the hopes the beloved scent of Severus would help him to remain calm. "I laid four of them to rest on that mountain. That was supposed to be the last. We were supposed to be safe, the war over. We have lives, jobs, lovers. I can't lose another one, Severus. Not now. Dammit, not like this."
He could feel tiny tremors through the wiry muscles under his hands, as though it was almost too much exertion for the arms surrounding him to hold so tightly, yet neither man seemed willing to let go. Raising his head, he kept one arm wrapped tightly about Severus' waist, the other hand carding soothingly through fine dark locks, flattened from laying in bed for a few hours. There were lines of tension outlining those familiar dark eyes, eyes gone velvet-soft with emotion.
"She's an idiot," he reiterated, once again wondering how that woman could have looked into this face and not seen how much Severus cared for the members of this household. Tracing his thumb gently along one sculpted cheekbone, he sighed. Remus had had no choice but to sleep, his body shutting down with or without his permission in the aftermath of the transformation. But, Severus...? "Did you sleep at all?"
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"We have to endure," he insisted. "If we don't set the example, they'll escalate until they've destroyed us all."
He tried to snort in derision at the question of his own sleep-hygiene, but the sound bore too much resemblance to a groan of despair. Pulling just enough to be able to look at Remus properly, still in the momentary forgetfulness of the presence of others, he rubbed his face against Remus' caressing hand.
"Didn't you hear? I spent the last hours shagging you. Shame you were unconscious and unable to participate," he said with a bitter sneer - deliberately avoiding the actual question. He'd dozed between journal messages, his mind whirling as he tried to think of some other possible solution they'd not yet considered.
"Minerva has been informed of our situation, though my information was unnecessary. Apparently we are in the Prophet, of course. Lucius has contacted me this morning as well. I was not being facetious when I said I could count on support from that quarter."
His frown deepened slightly as he seriously considered the possibility.
"I find myself completely unable to trust him - but equally unwilling to entirely distrust him. Relying on his aid would not come without very-high price, but I cannot imagine it would not be worth it if it spared her life.
"On the other hand, the obligation would be present whether he was successful or not, and I can assure you the price would be far too high if it failed in the end. I cannot imagine that even the Malfoys have enough gold to accomplish what the Golden Boy could not.
"I imagine the journals are rife with uproar. Perhaps news will be found there - our post seems to have been included in the 'lock-down'. The Weasley twins and their staff claim to be camping in our front garden."
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"That's right. Boundless shagging. Shame I missed it." Sighing heavily, unable to find true humor in the jest, Remus leaned against the door at his back, pulling Severus closer again into an embrace more of comfort than desperation. His arm remained firmly wrapped around the other man's waist, as though as long as they remained together, neither could falter. His free hand stroking idly through fine dark hair. He could hear the bitterness lacing Severus' tone and was reasonably certain he could surmise the source.
"Don't let her words affect you. She doesn't know and can't seem to understand...well, anything. To borrow Mad-eye's words several years ago -- what she doesn't know would fill several volumes. I know how much you care for this household. And, they know you care. That's all that matters."
He hadn't addressed the comments on Malfoy, he knew, using the reassurances he gave regarding his, former, friend to buy him some time to consider the matter. Remus knew he would pay any price to have Mandy returned to them safe and sound. But, could he ask Severus to pay that price? Could he trust that price to not be steeper than his conscious would allow either of them to pay -- or Mandy would allow to be paid?
"Let's wait for news from Harry before considering more drastic measures. He may yet be able to convince Shingleton to intervene on our behalf. All we know is what 'D-- Tonks had to say. And, I don't think we can take her information too seriously.
"Wait, the twins' staff is camped outside the house?" Twisting awkwardly to try and look out the window without releasing his hold on Severus, Remus winced as the motion caused a dull pain to curl through his lower back. The handful of hours of distressed sleep had done little to heal the strain his body had undertaken -- but, of course, that wasn't important.
Alright, so maybe he was feeling more than a little bitter toward the actions and accusations of his supposed 'friend' and ally.
"Why on earth would they do that?"
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Following Remus' motion so he, too, could look out the window, he lifted the corner of the curtain. A curtain which had once been moth-eaten, threadbare, and so dusty one could not tell what colour it was. Someone - June or Rollins or Mandy - had replaced the old curtain with a filmy bit of antique-white coloured gauze overlaying a subtle green chamois.
Sure enough, a not-so-small circus seemed to be taking place in their front garden.
In spite of the fact that Severus knew this display was for Rollins, Remus and the others, he could not help but feel heartened by it. Surely the Ministry could not go through with this madness when the publicity would kill them in public opinion?
Wouldn't it?
The Aurors who were presumably supposed to be guarding the house were now standing along the perimeter of the property, apparently trying to make sure Weasleys Wizarding Wheezes staff did not spill out beyond the Muggle-obscurement borders and force involvement of Obliviators and others.
"What do you suppose the Misters Weasley would charge me to shoot a particularly large and explosive Wildfire Wizbang right up Nevin's arse?" Severus asked conversationally.
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"If it proves too expensive, I've got most of a year's salary saved that I'd be more than happy to donate to the cause." Chuckling darkly, he turned away from the window. "If that's too steep for them, I wonder what other sort of daydream potions they might be able to come up with..."
He really shouldn't be advocating such thoughts. Remus Lupin was not a man who pursued vengeance, as a rule. It was a waste of time and energy that could be spent on taking care of those people he truly cared about. The taste for revenge had been drained from him when he killed Peter. Still, there was something attractive in the thought of releasing a little aggression against Broderick Nevin after all that man had put he and his pack through.
"I'm just glad he's here and not in charge of the guard on Mandy," he said more seriously, rubbing unconsciously at the elbow that had been dislocated during his last interview with the Auror. While he was under no delusions as to the likelihood Mandy was receiving anything remotely resembling humane treatment, he could at least be glad she was not at the mercy of a man with a personal score to settle with her Alpha.
This couldn't be happening.
He had to talk to Harry.
"Come back upstairs with me. There's no use standing here worrying and I want to send a message to Harry and hear his progress from him before I tell the others anything." Squeezing his arms reassuringly, which he'd somehow managed to keep wrapped around Severus' waist as they'd leaned to the window, he rested his forehead against Severus'. His tired muscles and abused joints were starting to protest the constant strain of getting up and down and restless sleep. If he could convince Severus it was better for him to go back and rest, maybe the dark man would at least pretend to rest himself.
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Had it been only himself he had to worry about, he would have shut himself away, pretended not to be the least bit affected by the present state of affairs, and made all sorts of self-vows never again to let anyone 'close' to him.
There was something very powerful in the sensation of being needed. Something strong, indefatigable, uplifting even though he'd always thought such a thing would be a burden - until he'd experienced it.
Remus needed him. No matter what, he could not let Remus down. Not after he'd failed so badly already. He couldn't make things worse.
"Very well. There is nothing to be gained here in any case," he agreed, soaking in the warmth of the embrace even as the sense of being needed actually made him feel stronger. Severus had never had someone to lean on in times of distress, nor to share distress with, drawing and giving strength in turn. It didn't remove the fear and anxiety over Mandy's fate, but it did make it seem somehow more endurable.
Gliding his prodigious nose along Remus', he dared a chaste kiss, scarcely a brushing of lips, before turning toward the stairs. He kept his arm around the werewolf's waist as they walked.
It wouldn't do for Remus to stumble in his post-transformation weariness.
"Regardless of what news Potter has to bear, you must try to rest. You'll not do her or any of the others any good if you're falling over in exhaustion."
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Bargaining his own health was low, but it was easier than admitting he did not think he would be able to relax at all, even with Severus beside him, and at least, if Severus was there, Remus had that warm reassurance of his lover's presence.
Thank the gods he had Severus to lean on. Remus knew he could not have faced this alone. Nor would he have wanted Severus to face this alone, not when the other man had already lost so many he held dear. Remus then felt entirely selfish as he realized this whole time he had been thinking of what he needed, what the pack needed. Shamefully, this was the first he'd thought of Severus and the deep pain the other man would feel if Harry was unable to make the Minister see reason and Mandy truly had to face execution in the morning. After Albus, Remus was afraid of what that would do to him.
"I can guess that you've slept very little," he said more gently as they reached the top of the stairs. "And you've spent most of the night doing for the rest of us. Is there anything you need, Severus? Anyway I can take care of you?"
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Of course, he possessed such a device, already, if he didn't have scruples against the Imperius Curse. Unfortunately, despite all his protests over this past year, he really was grateful not to be rotting away in Azkaban and wasn't particularly keen on going back.
"I've rested enough," he insisted. It wasn't a lie, merely a question of semantics. The truth was, despite the Metamorphmagus' accusations, he'd dozed only fitfully for most of the lingering morning. His body had finally succumbed to a deeper state of sleep after several hours of mental fretting, trying to lie still despite the restlessness of his mind so as not to disturb Remus' repose.
"My body wasn't torn asunder and reformed again twice in the past not-quite twenty-four hours. I'm fine."
By his usual definition of the word 'fine', of course. And there were potions which would help make up for what sleep he'd lacked. As long as he didn't rely on them for days on end, of course.
However, if it would get Remus to lie down and give his abused body time to recover properly, he would submit to almost anything.
Opening the door to his room, he flicked his wand to straighten and freshen the bedding which showed all the signs of fitful, fretful, restless attempts of two tall men trying to pretend to sleep for the sake of the other. At least they wouldn't be lying in stale, nervous perspiration and itchy wrinkles.
Unwilling to risk more intrusions and being caught in a state of undress, he simply climbed into the bed, tugging Remus with him to settle into what had become 'his side' of the enlarged bed.
"At least come here and lie down, even if you can't sleep."
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He could see right through Severus' attempts at reassuring him of the other man's 'fine-ness'. The mere use of the word 'fine' had become almost like a code word between the two of them over the course of their acquaintance. It was a simple thing to determine how 'not fine' the other was by equating it in direct proportion to the effort with which he attempted to convince his lover he was, indeed, 'fine'.
Of course, the problem was the same could be said of each of them.
Still, Severus was willingly climbing back into bed and pulling Remus with him. So, it seemed he was going to at least pretend to try to rest. If Severus could go through the motions to put Remus' mind at ease, Remus could do the same.
Sliding into bed alongside his lover, Remus reached for his wand to summon his journal. He took time enough to scribble a quick note to Harry; then set the book aside and nestled up beside Severus. Tired arms wrapped around the other man's waist as a tussled brown head rested against one pale shoulder.
"It will be okay," he said quietly. "It'll be okay."
He just didn't know if he was trying to reassure Severus or himself.
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