Fuck This...
Ok. I just re-read that first anonymous comment from that one really long and super depressing entry from like two days ago, for like the 5th time.
I don't know if the comment makes me feel better or worse.
Ethier way I'm glad it was said so Mr./Ms. Anonymous, don't feel bad.
I think about everything that I have... all the AMAZING things that I have and I don't understand at all why I'm throwing myself such a pitty parade.
I was just thinking... there are five stages of grieving that people go through when someone close to them dies. I feel like those are all the stages I've gone through in the past 5 months but in a slightly different order.
The stages Kubler-Ross identified are:
Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
Anger (why is this happening to me?)
Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
Depression (I don't care anymore)
Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)
I think for me it went more like:
Denial
Bargaining
Depression
Anger
Acceptance
I started to think that it was so wierd that I've experienced all of the same emotions as a person who has just lost someone... but then the more I thought about it maybe it was because I had lost myself. Some where between losing a best friend, moving in with a boyfriend, dealing with having to completely support myself, and having all the people who meant anything to me be miles and miles away, and trying to break free from years and years of mental and emotional abuse from my ass hole father... I lost myself, I lost who I had worked so hard to become.
I guess in a way... maybe a really wierd way... it makes sence.
Well it makes sense to me and I guess that's all that matters.
As of right now I'm at the Anger stage. I'm sick and fucking tired of feeling this way. If I could I would beat my own ass and try to knock some sense into myself. I'm starting to annoy the shit out of me and if that's happening then I know I'm pissing off everyone around me.
Eric was telling me the other day about how he and someone were having a conversation about how anit-social I am, and how they don't understand why (because I really have no reason to be). DISCLAIMER: I realize that the next sentence I'm about to type is extremely obvious and so full of common sense it's redonkulous... but humor me - I'm crazy. I started to realize that acting the way I was acting was only pushing people more and more away from me. I couldn't handle myself and I didn't know who I was so I didn't know how to and I didn't want to share that 'nobody' with anyone else. It was like I felt like if I went out and joined the party, I would have to put on a happy face and pretend to be someone likeable in order to make friends... and I didn't want to make friends with a fake personality... so I just stayed in my room with the door shut and if anyone asked I "didn't feel good". And I made tons of friends and it was awesome - NOT!
I'm just so sick of myself. This isn't me. I hate this person. I hate how much she complains. I hate how she talks and talks and talks but never gets out of bed and does anything about anything. I hate how she wants everyone to feel sorry for her and how she always wants someone else to "fix her" so she doesn't have to do the hard work herself.
When I think about all the people in my life (as well as those that are no longer in my life) and I think about how hard it is for EVERYONE... I'm such a spoiled selfish, and self involved brat. So many people that I know are going through a lot of hard things... and I only know what I read on-line or what I overhear at a party or what someone tells me... so I'm sure things are a lot worse for these people in reality.
No more...
Thank you anonymous - you shouldn't hide behind that word.
I don't know if the comment makes me feel better or worse.
Ethier way I'm glad it was said so Mr./Ms. Anonymous, don't feel bad.
I think about everything that I have... all the AMAZING things that I have and I don't understand at all why I'm throwing myself such a pitty parade.
I was just thinking... there are five stages of grieving that people go through when someone close to them dies. I feel like those are all the stages I've gone through in the past 5 months but in a slightly different order.
The stages Kubler-Ross identified are:
Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
Anger (why is this happening to me?)
Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
Depression (I don't care anymore)
Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)
I think for me it went more like:
Denial
Bargaining
Depression
Anger
Acceptance
I started to think that it was so wierd that I've experienced all of the same emotions as a person who has just lost someone... but then the more I thought about it maybe it was because I had lost myself. Some where between losing a best friend, moving in with a boyfriend, dealing with having to completely support myself, and having all the people who meant anything to me be miles and miles away, and trying to break free from years and years of mental and emotional abuse from my ass hole father... I lost myself, I lost who I had worked so hard to become.
I guess in a way... maybe a really wierd way... it makes sence.
Well it makes sense to me and I guess that's all that matters.
As of right now I'm at the Anger stage. I'm sick and fucking tired of feeling this way. If I could I would beat my own ass and try to knock some sense into myself. I'm starting to annoy the shit out of me and if that's happening then I know I'm pissing off everyone around me.
Eric was telling me the other day about how he and someone were having a conversation about how anit-social I am, and how they don't understand why (because I really have no reason to be). DISCLAIMER: I realize that the next sentence I'm about to type is extremely obvious and so full of common sense it's redonkulous... but humor me - I'm crazy. I started to realize that acting the way I was acting was only pushing people more and more away from me. I couldn't handle myself and I didn't know who I was so I didn't know how to and I didn't want to share that 'nobody' with anyone else. It was like I felt like if I went out and joined the party, I would have to put on a happy face and pretend to be someone likeable in order to make friends... and I didn't want to make friends with a fake personality... so I just stayed in my room with the door shut and if anyone asked I "didn't feel good". And I made tons of friends and it was awesome - NOT!
I'm just so sick of myself. This isn't me. I hate this person. I hate how much she complains. I hate how she talks and talks and talks but never gets out of bed and does anything about anything. I hate how she wants everyone to feel sorry for her and how she always wants someone else to "fix her" so she doesn't have to do the hard work herself.
When I think about all the people in my life (as well as those that are no longer in my life) and I think about how hard it is for EVERYONE... I'm such a spoiled selfish, and self involved brat. So many people that I know are going through a lot of hard things... and I only know what I read on-line or what I overhear at a party or what someone tells me... so I'm sure things are a lot worse for these people in reality.
No more...
Thank you anonymous - you shouldn't hide behind that word.