shame on me
in my mind things are so simple.
i have what i want. and i have my limitations- which, basically, give me the guildlines for getting what i want.
i have some decisions to make...
i am not only a bit nervous about making them for myself... because my brain and heart are going two totally different directions... but also for other things...
like it or not, i do have other obligations.
malie. job. and even though melissa isn't supposed to be one right now... my mind still tries to work things out around her... um... ever-changing spirits...
someone asked me today what my idea of perfect love was...
i told them love that was unfailing, consistant, and selfish to some extent.
no one else got that.
except for the other lesbian.
shocker.
i am so confused by everything.
and i cannot find any kind of real peace in the confusion...
nothing is stable right now.
my friendships. my relationship. my home. my plans.
i have no idea what i'm doing. and i have no one to talk to.
i cant be 100% with anyone because no one would understand. i would just get the same things i always have. they would tell me i'm thinking to hard. dwelling too much.
well guess what, i don't want to fucking dwell. but i can't stop myself.
just like i'd really rather like guys just because it would make my life a ton more simple, but i just don't. at all.
just like, i wish i believed everything i was raised to believe but i just don't.
just like, i wish my entire life was different, but i can't do a fucking thing about it...
maybe i am too needy.
maybe i am too emotional.
but at least i'm relatively consistant.
and everyone is too something...
so stop fucking worrying about me.
go fix yourselves and leave me alone.
this is what i am.
this is what i'm made of.
this is how i feel. what i think. do. say.
you can't think it into changing. you can't fix me.
fuck, i can't even fix me.
so, take it or leave it.
things will change with time. i will too.
but it will happen in my time.... with....
fuck. this.
i really do hate life this moment.
i forgot all the reasons i hate the internet.
now i remember.
i want to go back in time.
and change my every decision.
what was i thinking?
what am i thinking?
i miss my life.
i'm so sick of losing everything. over and over again...
fuck. this.
i have what i want. and i have my limitations- which, basically, give me the guildlines for getting what i want.
i have some decisions to make...
i am not only a bit nervous about making them for myself... because my brain and heart are going two totally different directions... but also for other things...
like it or not, i do have other obligations.
malie. job. and even though melissa isn't supposed to be one right now... my mind still tries to work things out around her... um... ever-changing spirits...
someone asked me today what my idea of perfect love was...
i told them love that was unfailing, consistant, and selfish to some extent.
no one else got that.
except for the other lesbian.
shocker.
i am so confused by everything.
and i cannot find any kind of real peace in the confusion...
nothing is stable right now.
my friendships. my relationship. my home. my plans.
i have no idea what i'm doing. and i have no one to talk to.
i cant be 100% with anyone because no one would understand. i would just get the same things i always have. they would tell me i'm thinking to hard. dwelling too much.
well guess what, i don't want to fucking dwell. but i can't stop myself.
just like i'd really rather like guys just because it would make my life a ton more simple, but i just don't. at all.
just like, i wish i believed everything i was raised to believe but i just don't.
just like, i wish my entire life was different, but i can't do a fucking thing about it...
maybe i am too needy.
maybe i am too emotional.
but at least i'm relatively consistant.
and everyone is too something...
so stop fucking worrying about me.
go fix yourselves and leave me alone.
this is what i am.
this is what i'm made of.
this is how i feel. what i think. do. say.
you can't think it into changing. you can't fix me.
fuck, i can't even fix me.
so, take it or leave it.
things will change with time. i will too.
but it will happen in my time.... with....
fuck. this.
i really do hate life this moment.
i forgot all the reasons i hate the internet.
now i remember.
i want to go back in time.
and change my every decision.
what was i thinking?
what am i thinking?
i miss my life.
i'm so sick of losing everything. over and over again...
fuck. this.