thrift stores and broken hearts
in the midst of today
something is different.
i am hurting...
for you. for both of you.
i realize that what went wrong then.
and what goes wrong now.
is usually. was usually. my fault.
i am difficult. i am complicated.
i am impossibly hard to get along with...
and even more difficult to be in a romantic relationship with...
i wish now, that i could move on completely and let go... because i feel that you truly have... i'm happy for you...
but i'm not there yet.
i still care... and i still want you, in some respect, in my life...
but then... when i realize that you no longer care...
that you left me, really left me in the end... alone. and broken.
i think... there is no use...
and then... pieces of me don't care...
i never left you like that... even as a friend...
i just don't understand...
why we can't be friends...
did i waste that piece of my heart?
that i gave to you... that i can never have back?
on someone... who really doesn't care about me in the end?
did i give you some of my mother's beautiful things that i will never see again... and that you will probably trash or disregard in a box somewhere that you'll never think about?
pieces of my childhood that i gave you... that i can't take back without feeling like a monster... that lay somewhere untouched...
its like this...
i want it all back. but at the same time... i want you to have it...
i'm just so scared that you don't understand...
i loved you. i loved you so much.
and i gave you pieces of myself. of my mother. of my childhood. of my soul. my heart.
and i want so badly for you to remember them... keep them... keep them well...
hold them someday and tell whoever you have that someone loved you once, and that they gave you all of this...
that this person wanted more than anything for you to be her friend... but you couldn't bare the thought of it for whatever reason it is you truly have... and then keep them.
really keep them.
with you. in you heart.
because thats the only way the pieces of mine can be kept...
it didn't work out. i have no idea why. but it was beautiful and horrible, wonderful and awful. and i loved it. i loved you.
i suppose it all boils down to...
i didn't think you loved me back.
and then. one day. i found someone who did. who i loved as well...
it hurts.
because it doesn't matter how many times i run through the details and the decisions i made... either way i could have gone my heart would have broken... and then now, i would be still.
i can't imagine how we would be if we were together now...
we might have lasted a week out here together... and i'm sure i would have been making you miserable... and that my heart would have been breaking...
but who knows. i don't. and you don't either...
i want to let it go.
i spend whole days rolling it over and over in my mind thinking that something i think will surely give me peace over the whole thing... and it doesnt.
my relationship with melissa, and the fact that we get along very well doesn't give me peace either.
because, even if i did make the right decision... i made it the wrong way and i lost not only my first true love... but my first true friend... my first soul mate... completely.
and now... because of this...
she will have me in no way... and so then i have lost a part of my heart...
if you have let me go. if you can't do what i ask with the things i gave you...
then i hope one day to find them waiting for me somewhere...
you can't give me back the part of my heart i gave to you... you've tried... but i wouldn't take it anyway.
we were beautiful... because no matter how horrible we were together... i loved you, truly. and i believe, that at some points... you might have even loved me back...
thats all i know today...
that. and that my heart is breaking.
and when it breaks like this... i wonder... and hope... that you're ok.
because i know you want me to leave you alone.
so i do.
but that doesn't mean i don't care anymore...
you don't understand me. i wish you knew that.
i know i don't understand you.
that. i have finally come to terms with.
i still love you, in some way.
and my heart aches for you.
i could write for days...
but i know it will do me no good.
on part notice that you will never read this, and on another...
that i will never be able to say everything.
analogies cannot suffice here.
i can do no justice to the situation, my emotion, or my thoughts of your actions...
i can do us. the then. the now. nothing.
but when i feel like this... i can do nothing else...
but let it out somehow...
and so now i have...
on some level i know this will pass... or at least the feeling.
but on some other level... i know that this will never leave me... and that i will never be able to let it all go... at least not in full.
i know this. because i know me.
something is different.
i am hurting...
for you. for both of you.
i realize that what went wrong then.
and what goes wrong now.
is usually. was usually. my fault.
i am difficult. i am complicated.
i am impossibly hard to get along with...
and even more difficult to be in a romantic relationship with...
i wish now, that i could move on completely and let go... because i feel that you truly have... i'm happy for you...
but i'm not there yet.
i still care... and i still want you, in some respect, in my life...
but then... when i realize that you no longer care...
that you left me, really left me in the end... alone. and broken.
i think... there is no use...
and then... pieces of me don't care...
i never left you like that... even as a friend...
i just don't understand...
why we can't be friends...
did i waste that piece of my heart?
that i gave to you... that i can never have back?
on someone... who really doesn't care about me in the end?
did i give you some of my mother's beautiful things that i will never see again... and that you will probably trash or disregard in a box somewhere that you'll never think about?
pieces of my childhood that i gave you... that i can't take back without feeling like a monster... that lay somewhere untouched...
its like this...
i want it all back. but at the same time... i want you to have it...
i'm just so scared that you don't understand...
i loved you. i loved you so much.
and i gave you pieces of myself. of my mother. of my childhood. of my soul. my heart.
and i want so badly for you to remember them... keep them... keep them well...
hold them someday and tell whoever you have that someone loved you once, and that they gave you all of this...
that this person wanted more than anything for you to be her friend... but you couldn't bare the thought of it for whatever reason it is you truly have... and then keep them.
really keep them.
with you. in you heart.
because thats the only way the pieces of mine can be kept...
it didn't work out. i have no idea why. but it was beautiful and horrible, wonderful and awful. and i loved it. i loved you.
i suppose it all boils down to...
i didn't think you loved me back.
and then. one day. i found someone who did. who i loved as well...
it hurts.
because it doesn't matter how many times i run through the details and the decisions i made... either way i could have gone my heart would have broken... and then now, i would be still.
i can't imagine how we would be if we were together now...
we might have lasted a week out here together... and i'm sure i would have been making you miserable... and that my heart would have been breaking...
but who knows. i don't. and you don't either...
i want to let it go.
i spend whole days rolling it over and over in my mind thinking that something i think will surely give me peace over the whole thing... and it doesnt.
my relationship with melissa, and the fact that we get along very well doesn't give me peace either.
because, even if i did make the right decision... i made it the wrong way and i lost not only my first true love... but my first true friend... my first soul mate... completely.
and now... because of this...
she will have me in no way... and so then i have lost a part of my heart...
if you have let me go. if you can't do what i ask with the things i gave you...
then i hope one day to find them waiting for me somewhere...
you can't give me back the part of my heart i gave to you... you've tried... but i wouldn't take it anyway.
we were beautiful... because no matter how horrible we were together... i loved you, truly. and i believe, that at some points... you might have even loved me back...
thats all i know today...
that. and that my heart is breaking.
and when it breaks like this... i wonder... and hope... that you're ok.
because i know you want me to leave you alone.
so i do.
but that doesn't mean i don't care anymore...
you don't understand me. i wish you knew that.
i know i don't understand you.
that. i have finally come to terms with.
i still love you, in some way.
and my heart aches for you.
i could write for days...
but i know it will do me no good.
on part notice that you will never read this, and on another...
that i will never be able to say everything.
analogies cannot suffice here.
i can do no justice to the situation, my emotion, or my thoughts of your actions...
i can do us. the then. the now. nothing.
but when i feel like this... i can do nothing else...
but let it out somehow...
and so now i have...
on some level i know this will pass... or at least the feeling.
but on some other level... i know that this will never leave me... and that i will never be able to let it all go... at least not in full.
i know this. because i know me.