words with spaces between
...
however, any time i am in hayesville, even just for a short period of time, i get really depressed... right now, the stage of life i am in, with no place that is TOTALLY ... MY... home... it is really hektic and crazy to try to keep anyone 'with' you... even in the sense of friendship... hayesville is sad because... and so i am left feeling like i am invading space that is much less my 'own'... **shrugs** i dunno... and then on the other side of that is that i really don't have many friends left in hayesville at all... kayla, of course... but not too many others...
i dunno... and now kelly is out here...
and...
i don't know how much you want to know about my... uh... well, the romantic aspect of my life.....
and... i hate school, always have, but i understand that i need this for what i feel like i'm supposed to do... but also there are many things i want to do otherwise... that i have found ways to go about pursuing... lots of things... travel.......
i dunno.
i wish i had something, someone maybe... who grounded me. made me have something that was always there and solid and stable... but out here... right now, with everything in my life like is is... and with things as they are with the people around me, nothing is. i can't always get out to elaina and dad because of my shitty schedule... and most times i don't want to simply because hayesville is drama, is lots of faking it... and does hurt a bit... money sucks. classes suck. i can't stand two of my four teachers and don't like one of the other two much at all... i have probably five people this side of things that i can talk to... really talk to... and they are good, wonderful people... who i love... but they all have lots going on too...
we are all in this whirl-wind of change together... and we are all searching for something... and sometimes, somedays, with most of us... that something is different...
i dunno... so things are ok i guess... i just feel... very unstable... and i don't think its me... i feel pretty normal... just all the things around me and involving me are pretty much daily up for grabs and change...
finding real friends... out of lots and lots of strangers... is a really hard thing to do...
and making home out of what few friends i have... in a strangly wonderful new place... is great...
but there are days when doing all of it... over and over again... just makes me tired.
and most of all, lonely.
i love you people, like always... and even the same people as i always have and plus some... i just feel tired... i watching things change and wondering where to go in the change... because, just like this summer... i have realized that sometimes the 'smallest decisions' i make can truly change the outcome of very large chuncks of my flakey life...
i 'am dramatic'... still... and have hayesville all over me... or so i hear...
perhaps finding myself in the midst of all of this is how i know thats at least partially wrong...
..... and how little people know about the person i have become...
i worry, just like everyone else, and feel, and bleed, and stress, and try...
i am just more open about the fact that i do it...
and i'm just ok with letting that make some people... who aren't that way... hate me.
i am just me.
and i'm not willing to change that for anyone...
because i've found that, honestly, only the people who don't ask you to are ever really worth that change anyway...
i love life.
and this will all work out as well...
and i will be where i should be... doing what i must do... to live and be in and at peace with what i am.
who i am.
because, when it all comes down to it and the rest falls aside...
i am all i really have.
and this life. (how ever many times i get to do it, or already have) is what i've got to work with...
....... and that is very ok with me.
for now. i know. that the only way to do what is right...
is to simply follow my heart.
and she tells me... to just love.
so... i'm going to.
all of this.
however, any time i am in hayesville, even just for a short period of time, i get really depressed... right now, the stage of life i am in, with no place that is TOTALLY ... MY... home... it is really hektic and crazy to try to keep anyone 'with' you... even in the sense of friendship... hayesville is sad because... and so i am left feeling like i am invading space that is much less my 'own'... **shrugs** i dunno... and then on the other side of that is that i really don't have many friends left in hayesville at all... kayla, of course... but not too many others...
i dunno... and now kelly is out here...
and...
i don't know how much you want to know about my... uh... well, the romantic aspect of my life.....
and... i hate school, always have, but i understand that i need this for what i feel like i'm supposed to do... but also there are many things i want to do otherwise... that i have found ways to go about pursuing... lots of things... travel.......
i dunno.
i wish i had something, someone maybe... who grounded me. made me have something that was always there and solid and stable... but out here... right now, with everything in my life like is is... and with things as they are with the people around me, nothing is. i can't always get out to elaina and dad because of my shitty schedule... and most times i don't want to simply because hayesville is drama, is lots of faking it... and does hurt a bit... money sucks. classes suck. i can't stand two of my four teachers and don't like one of the other two much at all... i have probably five people this side of things that i can talk to... really talk to... and they are good, wonderful people... who i love... but they all have lots going on too...
we are all in this whirl-wind of change together... and we are all searching for something... and sometimes, somedays, with most of us... that something is different...
i dunno... so things are ok i guess... i just feel... very unstable... and i don't think its me... i feel pretty normal... just all the things around me and involving me are pretty much daily up for grabs and change...
finding real friends... out of lots and lots of strangers... is a really hard thing to do...
and making home out of what few friends i have... in a strangly wonderful new place... is great...
but there are days when doing all of it... over and over again... just makes me tired.
and most of all, lonely.
i love you people, like always... and even the same people as i always have and plus some... i just feel tired... i watching things change and wondering where to go in the change... because, just like this summer... i have realized that sometimes the 'smallest decisions' i make can truly change the outcome of very large chuncks of my flakey life...
i 'am dramatic'... still... and have hayesville all over me... or so i hear...
perhaps finding myself in the midst of all of this is how i know thats at least partially wrong...
..... and how little people know about the person i have become...
i worry, just like everyone else, and feel, and bleed, and stress, and try...
i am just more open about the fact that i do it...
and i'm just ok with letting that make some people... who aren't that way... hate me.
i am just me.
and i'm not willing to change that for anyone...
because i've found that, honestly, only the people who don't ask you to are ever really worth that change anyway...
i love life.
and this will all work out as well...
and i will be where i should be... doing what i must do... to live and be in and at peace with what i am.
who i am.
because, when it all comes down to it and the rest falls aside...
i am all i really have.
and this life. (how ever many times i get to do it, or already have) is what i've got to work with...
....... and that is very ok with me.
for now. i know. that the only way to do what is right...
is to simply follow my heart.
and she tells me... to just love.
so... i'm going to.
all of this.