i can't let it...

[m00n_dust]

it hurts. and i can't run.
and standing still does nothing. for anyone.

but wait. i can't help anyone anyway.
i just watch. and they suffer.

i wish. with every piece of me. that it was me.
so i could feel less helpless.
less pathetic. less worthless.
less druged.
i feel like i'm on drugs. because i'm numb. but i think. and thinking hurts more than actual psyical pain.

i miss mom. she would know how to make me feel strong. and how to help dad. and how to help beej and her mom. and cody's mom.

and she would take care of everything.
because she was magical like that.

i am not magical. i am barely human.
with pathetic human powers that don't exist.

i don't exist.

mom would make me exist again.

i need to cry. but it just won't happen anymore. i can't let it.
but... god it hurts.
everything hurts.

please help me. be strong. for me. for dad. and for beej and her mommy.
please be with all of us. let us accept your will. and let us live in your name,
through your grace and mercy.
forgive us. for being human. and lacking the understanding of what we do and say, and believe.
bless billie jeanne and her family.
and bless my family.
and cody's family.
please help us each find peace. in your name.
amen.