I've been thinking a lot today
I know... dangerous, but I think I tend to always get this way when a new guy comes into my life. Especially when the "relationship" is less than what I would want it to be. Which to be honest is every time. Anyways I've been thinking a lot about my exes and I how I seem utterly incapable of actually deleting them from my lives. This whole thing occurred to me the other night (not for the first time but this is the most recent time) when I was bored and started shooting off random texts. I realized that I was only sending them to guys more specifically guys that I've been intimate with (and my best friend who I will admit to having a crush on for a while there).
First there is David. We've been over since my birthday two years ago (well that was the last time we hooked-up anyways) and I use over as a very liberal term seeing as we were never really together in the first place. But we have pretty much texted each other every single day this year. Since new years eve when I drunk texted him (or maybe he drunk texted me? I really don't remember I was REALLY drunk that night. I think I posted about it though I could go back and check lol) we have been pretty much in contact every night. I seem to have a very hard time not talking to him. I realized that I still kinda refer to him in a possesive way. I think of him as mine. I even mentally think of what we have as a relationship when really all it is is a long distance friendship with somewhat more than occasional sexting. I think I'm afraid that if I let go of him I'll never have another guy that really gets my kinkiness. I know that sounds stupid but we were really sexually compatible and I'm afraid I'll never have that again. Which is ridiculous because in all reality there about a one in a thousand chance that David and I will ever actually have sex again. But he makes me feel sexy which to be honest, no other guy has ever really done for me. (I kinda just realized that as I was writing this and it made me really sad.)
Then there is Tony: Who is my BFF and I love him and I worry about him and I miss him and I hate his girlfriend and I want him to come home. And while he is admittedly very sexy I wouldn't dream of having a sexual relationship with him. I'm terrified to lose his friendship.
Next is Derek: Who to be honest I hadn't talked to in about a month before the other night and I thought I was doing really well but then I just really missed the attention and was feeling lonely. So I texted him and I dont even think it was worth it. He's kinda a douchebag.
And the newest edition "J": I know what he wants from me. I know he's getting married. (That should bother me way more than it does) But I still find myself reaching out to him. The other night it was like 2 am and he called me and wanted to come over. I told him that wasn't possible (cause frankly im not getting freaky in my moms house and I hadnt shaved and just didn't feel like it. Great I know.) And then he suggested driving over (he lives about 15 minutes away) parking down the street and me giving him a bj and then him just leaving. Frankly knowing what I've done over the years this shouldn't make me feel any cheaper than any of those other things but it did. I felt so cheap and that he would think that I would be okay with that really hurt my pride. So I tried explaining this to him not realizing that he was totally drunk at the time. I think he took my offense as me saying I wanted an actually relationship because then he started talking about how he wanted me but with no attachments. Which I get really, and at the time I thought I was okay with it. But now I just keep thinking about all the stuff I'm missing out on being in that kind of a "relationship". So I find myself asking if its better to have this than nothing at all. Im not really sure what my answer is yet though.
Truthfully I don't like that he makes me feel cheap and like something to be thrown away which again I don't think I fully realized until I started writing this. But I have also realized that I'm an attention whore in a way. I think I keep them around because I'm lonely. They make me feel less lonely for a little bit. But I always end up feeling extra lonely afterwards.
I've taken to mentally calling them my harem and I'm kinda thinking about writing about it all. Who knows it might be cathartic? Blogging about it on her always seems to help me get my thoughts a little better organized.
Maybe I should see someone about all this but sadly I don't have health insurance and even if I did I couldn't afford a shrink.
In other less depressing news... I'm going back to school (I know... again... but it's for real this time) I'm currently getting all my shit together and plan to start classes in February. I have a good feeling about it but I tend to always start out with a good feeling about it.
First there is David. We've been over since my birthday two years ago (well that was the last time we hooked-up anyways) and I use over as a very liberal term seeing as we were never really together in the first place. But we have pretty much texted each other every single day this year. Since new years eve when I drunk texted him (or maybe he drunk texted me? I really don't remember I was REALLY drunk that night. I think I posted about it though I could go back and check lol) we have been pretty much in contact every night. I seem to have a very hard time not talking to him. I realized that I still kinda refer to him in a possesive way. I think of him as mine. I even mentally think of what we have as a relationship when really all it is is a long distance friendship with somewhat more than occasional sexting. I think I'm afraid that if I let go of him I'll never have another guy that really gets my kinkiness. I know that sounds stupid but we were really sexually compatible and I'm afraid I'll never have that again. Which is ridiculous because in all reality there about a one in a thousand chance that David and I will ever actually have sex again. But he makes me feel sexy which to be honest, no other guy has ever really done for me. (I kinda just realized that as I was writing this and it made me really sad.)
Then there is Tony: Who is my BFF and I love him and I worry about him and I miss him and I hate his girlfriend and I want him to come home. And while he is admittedly very sexy I wouldn't dream of having a sexual relationship with him. I'm terrified to lose his friendship.
Next is Derek: Who to be honest I hadn't talked to in about a month before the other night and I thought I was doing really well but then I just really missed the attention and was feeling lonely. So I texted him and I dont even think it was worth it. He's kinda a douchebag.
And the newest edition "J": I know what he wants from me. I know he's getting married. (That should bother me way more than it does) But I still find myself reaching out to him. The other night it was like 2 am and he called me and wanted to come over. I told him that wasn't possible (cause frankly im not getting freaky in my moms house and I hadnt shaved and just didn't feel like it. Great I know.) And then he suggested driving over (he lives about 15 minutes away) parking down the street and me giving him a bj and then him just leaving. Frankly knowing what I've done over the years this shouldn't make me feel any cheaper than any of those other things but it did. I felt so cheap and that he would think that I would be okay with that really hurt my pride. So I tried explaining this to him not realizing that he was totally drunk at the time. I think he took my offense as me saying I wanted an actually relationship because then he started talking about how he wanted me but with no attachments. Which I get really, and at the time I thought I was okay with it. But now I just keep thinking about all the stuff I'm missing out on being in that kind of a "relationship". So I find myself asking if its better to have this than nothing at all. Im not really sure what my answer is yet though.
Truthfully I don't like that he makes me feel cheap and like something to be thrown away which again I don't think I fully realized until I started writing this. But I have also realized that I'm an attention whore in a way. I think I keep them around because I'm lonely. They make me feel less lonely for a little bit. But I always end up feeling extra lonely afterwards.
I've taken to mentally calling them my harem and I'm kinda thinking about writing about it all. Who knows it might be cathartic? Blogging about it on her always seems to help me get my thoughts a little better organized.
Maybe I should see someone about all this but sadly I don't have health insurance and even if I did I couldn't afford a shrink.
In other less depressing news... I'm going back to school (I know... again... but it's for real this time) I'm currently getting all my shit together and plan to start classes in February. I have a good feeling about it but I tend to always start out with a good feeling about it.