Thoughts on being active and being talented - Burning the Good Enough files.
Last night, I commented in one of thewronghands's posts that she made doing all of the outdoor activities that I had thought out of reach or beyond my abilities seem so easy and reasonable and possible. Just...train and do it. No big deal. It's been with me this morning, and I'm questioning my own assumptions there and realize that a part of me still sees sports and outdoor activities like rock climbing and the like as some sort of specialized area when you have to have Some Gifted Talent to be able to even participate, rather than looking at the whole experience as a cultivated process where people find something they like, try it, fail a lot, train, and get better.
And yes, it seems obvious and I know in my head that it works this way, but obviously, there's still some part of me that is surprised at even getting picked for the team, let alone an assumption that I might just have a place there potentially because I might want something enough to go for it. The younger self yearns for the big things and to desparately be included--and is also very surprised and overjoyed when she is! *wry smile*
There's a big pack on my back, heavy with Not Good Enough, both as a low self esteem function and as a safety mechanism, because not moving or daring could keep us safe from (whatever, exposure? Looking like the fat girl trying to do things? Yes, body image seems to be here, too.) and I think I am going to have to chuck it over a cliff if I am going to get anywhere. (And hey, carrying food and water is better, right?) I know better. Hell, even in things that are My Things, like belly dance, there is so much that is just training and patience, honestly. It takes a while for some folks to even find the muscles they are using for a move, let alone work on getting the form into something workable for muscle memory and layering that you have to resolve to be compassionate and patient with yourself. No sense beating yourself up about about it, and last night, I resolved that I would just settle into class and be patient with the process. I mean, I have to take the beginner class 900 times before I move on, and I know this, and that's just the way it goes so it's better to just be happy with the work than feel like a failure because I can't do the oriental walk backwards (yet. It's sorta there. I figured out that I am fearing trusting my ankle for the weight.)
So, for my reference and as an act of daring, if I think of a list of things I'd like to do someday (noting that I do need to fix/strengthen the ankle and get in better shape, but noting this as a possibility and just a part of training, not as any shortcoming), they would be:
Climb a mountain*
Climb big rocks*
See/sleep outside for a night in the dessert
Swim more. In the ocean. More. Long distances.(Get more swimming training so drownng is less likely.)
I'll include the more dancing (pole, burlesque, tribal, Romany/Turkish (my big dream, since I first started belly dancing.) Tap. (Once upon a time when I was very little, I did tap.), English/Irish country/medieval dance. Sword dancing.
Baseball. Hell, at least tossing and hitting a ball around a bit. My English professor taught me to pitch. He played pro ball once upon a time.
Shoot more
Go hunting (Find deer. Kill deer. Dress deer. Cook deer. Eat deer.)
Archery
Fishing, of the deep sea variety, dammit. (Missed a chance once because I was dumb and too tired to get up at 4am.)
Some sort of boating thing, like kayaking or canoeing. Cause water and boats. Assuming I can't get a crew together and go take the Charles Morgan as my own...(Pipe dream: Climb the rigging of that ship.If I lived in New England, I'd be volunteering there ALL THE TIME just to eventually get to do that. Whatever it took.I have a thing for ships and the sea and water and boats and...yeah.)
Diving/scuba
Do one of the zombie run things
Do the walk all night against suicide walk thing
Learn some kind of martial art
Learn some kind of sword fighting...thing. (Actually, I thnk stage fightng is also awesome and looks like fun.)
Lift weights moar
Find more interesting things to do.
*I do have to overcome a fear of heights fo some of this, and find a way to cope with depth perceptions issues that amplify said fear. But dammit, I LOVE mountains, and their heights, and I just must not Stand Near The Cliff Edge And Look Down. Walking terrain and moving upwards is different, though. It's edge-like-edge of building/balcony things that start to freak me a bit.)
Goals. I haz them.
And yes, it seems obvious and I know in my head that it works this way, but obviously, there's still some part of me that is surprised at even getting picked for the team, let alone an assumption that I might just have a place there potentially because I might want something enough to go for it. The younger self yearns for the big things and to desparately be included--and is also very surprised and overjoyed when she is! *wry smile*
There's a big pack on my back, heavy with Not Good Enough, both as a low self esteem function and as a safety mechanism, because not moving or daring could keep us safe from (whatever, exposure? Looking like the fat girl trying to do things? Yes, body image seems to be here, too.) and I think I am going to have to chuck it over a cliff if I am going to get anywhere. (And hey, carrying food and water is better, right?) I know better. Hell, even in things that are My Things, like belly dance, there is so much that is just training and patience, honestly. It takes a while for some folks to even find the muscles they are using for a move, let alone work on getting the form into something workable for muscle memory and layering that you have to resolve to be compassionate and patient with yourself. No sense beating yourself up about about it, and last night, I resolved that I would just settle into class and be patient with the process. I mean, I have to take the beginner class 900 times before I move on, and I know this, and that's just the way it goes so it's better to just be happy with the work than feel like a failure because I can't do the oriental walk backwards (yet. It's sorta there. I figured out that I am fearing trusting my ankle for the weight.)
So, for my reference and as an act of daring, if I think of a list of things I'd like to do someday (noting that I do need to fix/strengthen the ankle and get in better shape, but noting this as a possibility and just a part of training, not as any shortcoming), they would be:
Climb a mountain*
Climb big rocks*
See/sleep outside for a night in the dessert
Swim more. In the ocean. More. Long distances.(Get more swimming training so drownng is less likely.)
I'll include the more dancing (pole, burlesque, tribal, Romany/Turkish (my big dream, since I first started belly dancing.) Tap. (Once upon a time when I was very little, I did tap.), English/Irish country/medieval dance. Sword dancing.
Baseball. Hell, at least tossing and hitting a ball around a bit. My English professor taught me to pitch. He played pro ball once upon a time.
Shoot more
Go hunting (Find deer. Kill deer. Dress deer. Cook deer. Eat deer.)
Archery
Fishing, of the deep sea variety, dammit. (Missed a chance once because I was dumb and too tired to get up at 4am.)
Some sort of boating thing, like kayaking or canoeing. Cause water and boats. Assuming I can't get a crew together and go take the Charles Morgan as my own...(Pipe dream: Climb the rigging of that ship.If I lived in New England, I'd be volunteering there ALL THE TIME just to eventually get to do that. Whatever it took.I have a thing for ships and the sea and water and boats and...yeah.)
Diving/scuba
Do one of the zombie run things
Do the walk all night against suicide walk thing
Learn some kind of martial art
Learn some kind of sword fighting...thing. (Actually, I thnk stage fightng is also awesome and looks like fun.)
Lift weights moar
Find more interesting things to do.
*I do have to overcome a fear of heights fo some of this, and find a way to cope with depth perceptions issues that amplify said fear. But dammit, I LOVE mountains, and their heights, and I just must not Stand Near The Cliff Edge And Look Down. Walking terrain and moving upwards is different, though. It's edge-like-edge of building/balcony things that start to freak me a bit.)
Goals. I haz them.