Jared's Ghost (3/3)
Back to Part 2
Part 3
‘You’re really here,’ Jared says, blinking. His voice comes out hoarse, like he’s been screaming for hours.
‘Hey,’ Jensen says, a ghost of a smile on his face. ‘You had me worried. You’ve been out for three days.’
‘Where are we?’
‘Memorial Street Hospital, in Colombo. You remember what happened?’
‘They took us from the forest. Rekha. And Assaf. Are they…’
‘They’re fine. They’re both fine, Jay.’ Jensen offers him a glass of water, and Jared takes a cautious sip.
‘Did they get Tahir?’
‘Nope. His body wasn’t found. I can’t believe the asshole was driving us around the whole time, and I didn’t know he’d taken you.’
‘He thinks he’s a freedom fighter. They all did.’
‘Maybe they are. But no one has the right to kill, Jared. I won’t believe that.’ Jensen holds up the glass of water again. ‘More?’
Jared shakes his head. ‘How did you find us?’
‘The Mercurochrome on your lists. We watched the pharmacies that stocked it, and followed one of the suppliers back to the camp. You did it, Jay. You were brilliant.’
‘Did what?’ Jared asks, confused.
‘Prescribed Mercurochrome. So we could find you.’
Jared looks at him blankly for a moment. ‘Jensen, I didn’t… I wasn’t thinking about leaving a clue. I just couldn’t remember what the substitutes were called.’
--
Jensen isn’t there the next time Jared wakes up, and he walks to Rekha’s room with an orderly’s help. She’s sitting up in bed, and she pulls him close and hugs him tightly.
‘I thought they’d killed you,’ Jared says, and only realizes he’s crying when Rekha reaches up to wipe his face.
‘They didn’t hurt me,’ she says. ‘My fever was bad. I guess they thought I was dying.’
‘You were both very lucky,’ a voice with an English accent says from the doorway, and Jared turns to see a woman with short dark hair and an elegant business suit.
‘This is Caroline,’ Rekha says with a smile. ‘She and Jensen found you.’
Caroline smiles, holding out her hand, and Jared shakes it on reflex. ‘I’m glad you’re safe, Jared. All three of you.’
Jared returns to his room in a few minutes, exhausted from the journey down the corridor, and falls into a deep sleep. When he wakes again, Jensen is sitting in the chair beside his bed. They haven’t talked much over the last few days, but the silences between them aren’t as uncomfortable as Jared had feared.
‘Hey,’ Jensen says now, leaning forward to put a hand on Jared’s arm. ‘How’re you doing?’
‘Good,’ Jared says, pleased to hear that his voice is somewhat stronger now. ‘I’m good.’
‘Glad to hear it,’ Jensen says lightly.
‘When was the last time you slept in an actual bed?’ Jared asks.
Jensen shrugs. ‘Doesn’t matter. You’re here, you’re all right. That’s the only thing that matters.’
--
A week later, Jared goes to Rekha’s office at the institute of advanced research. Jensen is with him, and they’re on their way to the airport, Jared having been discharged from the hospital a few hours earlier.
‘Hey,’ Rekha says, smiling broadly. She gets up from her chair with a little difficulty, coming around her desk to give Jared a hug.
‘Easy,’ Jared says, hugging her gently.
‘We’re both the walking wounded, huh?’ she says with a little laugh. She waves her hand toward the desk. ‘Look what Assaf dropped off this morning.’
It’s Sailor’s face, fully reconstructed.
‘It isn’t her,’ Rekha says.
‘What do you mean?’
‘Look at it, Jared. It’s just… a quiet, peaceful face. I spoke to Palipana on the phone. He told me Assaf’s wife was one of the people who’d gone missing in the last riots. He wasn’t creating Sailor’s face at all. He just wanted to give Sailor a peaceful face, because he wanted that for his wife. For all the people who’ve been murdered, for their families.’
‘So we’re back to square zero?’
‘No, absolutely not. After you went missing, the Human Rights Commission got involved, and now that I’ve recovered enough, I’ve been given permission to continue working on Sailor’s case. I won’t make an official report, Jared. Not after what happened.’ She smiles ruefully. ‘I don’t want to die. But I swear to you that I’ll do everything to find Sailor’s identify based on your profile of her, and maybe her family will finally get some closure.’
--
Jared sleeps almost all the way through the sixteen-hour flight back home. Outside the terminal, he and Jensen get coffee from a stall, and sit together on a bench. They don’t talk, and Jensen looks as exhausted as Jared feels.
Jared finishes his coffee and gets to his feet, tossing his empty cup into a trash can. ‘I need to go to Gen’s,’ he says, hitching his bag higher over his shoulder. ‘See the dogs.’
‘Okay.’ Jensen nods, taking a step back. ‘Okay, I’ll get you a cab and we can-you can-’
‘Hey.’ Jared closes the distance between them, reaching out to touch Jensen’s face. ‘You’re coming with me, right?’
Jensen hesitates, and Jared wonders for a panicked moment if he’s read the situation all wrong. ‘You do want to come with me, right?’
‘Yeah, Jay. I want to.’
‘Oh my god.’ Jared lets his hand drop. ‘You really don’t.’
‘It’s not that,’ Jensen says quickly. ‘You’ve been through so much, and I didn’t exactly make you happy in the days before you left, and…’
Jared’s shaking his head now, stepping back further. ‘It’s okay, Jensen, really it is. I get it.’
Jensen shuts his eyes for a moment, letting out a frustrated sound. ‘Fuck, Jared. I didn’t go halfway across the fucking planet to do this again.’
Jared turns away, his eyes stinging. ‘Then why did you come?’
‘For you, all right? To bring you back home. Not to do this, Jay. Not to fight with you.’
‘I don’t even know if this is home anymore.’ Jared squeezes his eyes shut for a moment. There’s a howl of misery somewhere inside him, fighting to get out.
‘Jared, are you okay?’ Jensen sounds alarmed.
He takes a step closer, but Jared moves away. ‘I gotta go. We-we’ll talk later, okay?’
--
Genevieve and Danneel give him a welcome that’s almost as enthusiastic as the dogs’, all five of them tumbling together in a heap of joy and excitement.
Afterwards, he takes a shower and collapses into bed, and sleeps for fifteen hours straight.
He doesn’t hear from Jensen at all.
The day after he reaches Gen and Danneel’s place, he finally feels up to communicating with someone other than the dogs, and emerges sheepishly from the guest room. Gen’s at work but Danneel greets him warmly, offering coffee and muffins still hot from the oven. He doesn’t talk much and she doesn’t push him, both of them sitting at the table in amicable silence until she finishes her coffee and leaves him to himself, disappearing into her room after giving his shoulder a quick squeeze.
He calls Jensen’s cell phone. It goes straight to voicemail and he hangs up without leaving a message, feeling like he’s been punched in the stomach.
Jensen calls back twenty minutes later. ‘Jared? You doing okay? I saw your call.’
‘Yeah, I-I’m fine. How about you?’
‘I was with a patient.’
‘You’re at work?’
‘Yeah, one of my patients called in with an emergency.’
‘Oh.’
‘I gotta go,’ Jensen says. Jared can hear someone in the background. ‘I’ll talk to you soon, okay?’ He hangs up before Jared can answer.
--
A few days pass without event. Jared stays in Gen’s guest room, and starts to take the dogs out for short runs in the mornings when he starts feeling stronger. A week after his return, he gets an email from Rekha.
Dear Jared,
Her name was Sirisha. She was nineteen, the oldest of four children. She dropped out of school five years ago to go to work in the mines so she could help her mother feed the family. Her father is AWOL, apparently.
I had her remains cremated and gave her ashes to her mother. She cried in my arms. I told her some of the story about how we’d found Sirisha, how she’d never have found her way back home without you. Her mother sends you her regards, and her thanks. They say a mother’s blessing is the most powerful you can receive.
Palipana passed away in his sleep last week. The doctors said his heart couldn’t take the shock of the attack on the grove. Lakma will continue to live there, and keep it open to visitors, as her uncle had wished. We should go back and visit someday, when all this madness is done.
Last week, I went to a temple to watch a ceremony. I’m not religious, but it was Assaf’s first day back at work. I watched him paint the Buddha’s eyes over his shoulder, facing a mirror. It was magical.
Be well, my friend, and stay in touch.
Rekha
Gen comes home from work to find Jared at the table, sobbing into his hands.
--
He lets the days pass. He applies for a job or two, mostly half-heartedly, unsure that he wants to remain in the profession anymore. Some nights he wakes up screaming, frightening the dogs and his roommates. Gen and Danneel have both offered to let him stay as long as he likes, and he starts paying them rent, despite their protests; if he’s going to be staying long-term, he can’t be a burden on them.
He speaks to Jensen once every few days, nothing more than brief calls. Sometimes he calls Jensen, and sometimes Jensen calls him. They haven’t met in weeks. He’s afraid to extend their phone conversations, worried that their talk will deteriorate into fighting. Talking to Jensen for a few minutes at a time is better than not talking at all. He’s learned that the hard way.
One evening, Jared can’t stand being inside the apartment anymore. He grabs his coat and lets himself out, the dogs sound asleep on his bed. Halfway down the stairs he wishes he’d taken one of them along, but part of him knows where he’s headed, and it’s just as well.
Jensen’s not home. Jared sits down on the bench seat on the porch. He remembers a night a lifetime ago: it was his birthday, and he’d come home to find Jensen sitting on the steps. He’d give a lot now to see Jensen’s face light up the way it had when he’d seen Jared come home that night. This year, he’d spent his birthday in a militant camp, not even remembering the date.
He doesn’t even realize he’s fallen asleep until he startles awake when Jensen’s hand touches his arm. ‘Hey,’ Jensen says. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. You okay? What’re you doing here?’
‘Nothing.’ Jared scrubs at his eyes. ‘Wanted to see you.’
‘You want me to drive you back?’
Jared stares up at him. ‘You just got home.’
‘I just thought…’ Jensen shakes his head, as if to clear it. ‘You look tired, that’s all.’
‘Jensen, what’s going on? Why won’t you talk to me?’
Jensen sits down next to him, letting out an exhausted sigh. ‘Nothing’s going on, Jared. I just didn’t want to assume anything, you know?’
‘Assume what? I’ve told you I want to see you. Multiple times.’
‘I don’t want to end up hurting you again, Jared. I did it before, didn’t I? And I told you before, I just… I don’t know how to be with people. I don’t know how to be in a relationship. If I end up neglecting you again, and you run off again…’
‘I didn’t run off,’ Jared says, indignant. ‘I was giving you space. I was giving us both time to think.’
‘And you ended up nearly getting killed.’
‘Fuck.’ Jared drops his head into his hands. ‘I can’t believe this. After everything, we’re still right where we were. Nothing’s changed.’
Jensen says nothing. For a long moment, Jared just breathes, willing himself to calm down. When he looks up again, Jensen says, ‘I can’t do this right now.’
‘Yeah. Me either.’ Jared gets up, picking up his jacket and slinging it over his shoulder. ‘I’ll get out of your way.’
Jensen’s hand closes around his wrist. ‘Jay, we’re both exhausted. But don’t… don’t go away mad.’
‘I’m not mad, Jen. You’re right, we’re tired. I shouldn’t be pushing you into anything.’
Jensen’s thumb rubs against the pulse point on Jared’s wrist. ‘You want to come in? And just, I don’t know-sleep?’
Jared looks down at Jensen’s hand on his wrist. He nods, all the resistance draining out of him.
Jensen gets to his feet, letting go of Jared’s hand. ‘Come on.’
--
Jensen’s already in bed when Jared emerges from the bathroom in his t-shirt and boxers. He’s left a light on but he’s under the covers, his eyes closed.
Jared stops beside the bed, hesitant, but Jensen opens his eyes and turns his head. ‘Hey,’ he says, his voice hoarse with tiredness. ‘Come here.’ He stretches out an arm in invitation.
Jared crawls in under the covers, letting Jensen wrap an arm around him, laying his head on Jensen’s shoulder. ‘This okay?’ he asks, his face pressed into Jensen’s neck.
‘More than okay,’ Jensen murmurs into his hair. Jared presses closer against him. ‘Sleep, Jay.’ Jensen’s fingers begin sifting gently through his hair. Jared pushes a hand up beneath Jensen’s t-shirt, his palm against Jensen’s skin, and is asleep in a minute.
--
He wakes up slowly, vague memories of dreams slipping away from his conscious mind like grains of sand. He doesn’t really mind that he can’t remember.
Jensen’s arm is still around him, holding him close, his breath in Jared’s hair.
‘Hey,’ Jensen says. ‘You awake?’
‘Yeah.’ Jared doesn’t move. ‘How long was I asleep?’
‘All night.’ Jensen nods toward the windows. The sun’s streaming in through the curtains.
‘Shit, I never told Gen I was staying out.’
‘It’s okay. I called her last night after you fell asleep.’
‘Oh. Thanks.’
‘You’re welcome.’ Jensen sounds a little amused. ‘You can stop being formal around me whenever you like.’
Jared huffs out a little laugh against Jensen’s chest. ‘Sorry. I guess I kinda made you let me sleep with you, huh.’
‘Hey, I don’t let just anyone into my bed,’ Jensen says lightly. He rubs his chin against the top of Jared’s head.
Jared lifts his head. ‘You aren’t throwing me out of bed just yet, right?’
‘Why?’ Jensen reaches up to tuck a strand of Jared’s hair behind his ear. ‘Did you have something in mind?’
‘Don’t mess with me, Jen.’ Jared glances down at Jensen’s mouth, and then back up to his eyes.
‘I’m not.’ Jensen frames his face with one hand, his thumb rubbing beneath Jared’s eye. ‘Anything you want, Jared. I’m all yours.’
‘I thought we were going to talk.’ Jared leans closer, his breath against Jensen’s lips.
‘Nah, talking’s overrated. Don’t you think?’ Jensen curls a hand into Jared’s hair and pulls his head down for a kiss. Jared groans, his lips parting instantly to let Jensen’s tongue in. He sucks on it like he’s starving for it. It’s wet and filthy and perfect, nothing tentative at all about the way they explore each other’s mouths. Jared’s getting harder by the second, pushing against Jensen with growing need. ‘Jen,’ he pants into Jensen’s mouth. ‘Jen, I-’
‘What do you want? Anything.’
‘Want you. God, Jen, I want you so bad.’
They rock together, Jared almost whimpering with every thrust at how good it feels. Despite two layers of clothes between them, it feels more intimate than anything they’ve done before. Jensen’s fingers grasp at Jared’s back, his face against Jared’s neck. He presses his lips there, murmuring nonsense, his hands sliding down to cup Jared’s ass, pulling him in as he wraps his legs around Jared. Jared kisses him desperately, thrusting harder against him. He’s not going to last, not when Jensen’s making those sounds and pushing up against him, his thighs clamping tight around Jared’s hips.
When Jensen comes, it’s with a quiet intake of breath, his back arching high, his head thrown back, eyes shut tight. Jared slides down between Jensen’s legs, tugging his boxers down. He licks at the wetness on his stomach, fucking his own fist and coming with the taste of Jensen in his mouth.
He catches his breath with his face pressed against Jensen’s thigh, Jensen’s fingers wound tight in his hair. Jensen tugs him up and lets him collapse on top of him. They lie like that for a while, kissing languidly, until Jensen pushes him off.
‘Good?’ Jared asks, searching Jensen’s face.
‘Fucking perfect.’ Jensen runs a hand up Jared’s arm. ‘You okay?’
‘I’m great. You?’
Jensen rolls over onto his front with a contented sigh. ‘Give me a moment to recover, and I’ll show you just how okay I am.’
Jared laughs, throwing a leg over both of Jensen’s and settling in. ‘You’re not recovering from that anytime soon, old man.’
‘Yeah?’ Jensen’s fingers start playing with Jared’s hair, scratching against his scalp just the way Jared loves, and he curls around Jensen, letting himself fall into sleep again.
--
‘Fuck, fuck, fuck. I’m late.’ Jensen throws a pillow at Jared’s face. ‘Wake up, you big lump.’
Jared pulls the pillow off his face, blinking sleepily. ‘You throwing me out?’
‘Yes,’ Jensen says firmly. ‘Get up and get your clothes on. I’ll drop you off on the way to work.’
‘Five more minutes.’ Jared rolls over and buries his face in the pillow.
‘Fine.’ Jensen kisses the side of his head.
‘Love you,’ Jared says into the pillow.
When his eyes open again, the house is quiet. There’s a note on the pillow beside his head. There’s food in the fridge. Back soon. J.
He gets up and showers, vaguely remembering Jensen’s threats to throw him out and grinning to himself. Jensen clearly hadn’t had the heart to make him get up, and the sleep has done him good.
He’s at the kitchen table, eating reheated pizza and talking to Gen on the phone, when he hears Jensen’s key in the lock. ‘Gotta go,’ he says into the phone. ‘I’ll be back in a while.’
‘Hey,’ Jensen says, coming into the kitchen and slipping out of his coat, throwing it over a chair before coming up to Jared and leaning down for a kiss. They linger over it, Jensen licking at Jared’s lips and slipping his tongue into Jared’s mouth.
‘Hey yourself,’ Jared says when they finally pull apart. ‘Sorry about this morning. I just couldn’t get my eyes open.’
‘It’s fine,’ Jensen says. He looks tired, but he’s smiling. ‘I thought you might want to get home to the dogs.’
Jared’s not entirely sure what to say to that. He takes another bite of pizza. ‘I just spoke to Gen,’ he says. ‘They’re fine.’
‘We should talk, yeah?’ Jensen says, sliding into the chair next to Jared’s.
Jared nods. ‘I guess. Unless you’d rather go back to bed.’
‘Tempting,’ Jensen says with a grin, reaching over to ruffle Jared’s hair, and Jared’s heart lifts a little. Jensen gives him a quick kiss. ‘You first?’ he asks.
Jared shakes his head, nervous again. ‘No, you.’
‘Yeah, okay.’ Jensen takes a deep breath. ‘I’m crazy about you, Jay. You know that, right?’
Jared nods, unable to look away from Jensen’s face. ‘I think so, yeah.’
‘Trust me, kid. I’d do anything for you.’
‘I think you already demonstrated that,’ Jared says with a small laugh.
‘When I was… fuck, Jared, when you were missing, it was like the worst possible thing that could ever happen to me. I couldn’t think straight, couldn’t sleep, kept imagining the worst, you know?’
Jared nods, throat too tight to speak.
‘People kept telling me to hold on, to not lose hope, but I could tell they were pitying me. Like they knew you were never coming back, like they knew something I didn’t. But I didn’t believe it. I had to believe you would come back. Fuck, I couldn’t have breathed otherwise.’
‘But?’ Jared asks.
Jensen shakes his head. ‘There’s no but, Jay. Not really. Not about the way I feel about you. But, yeah. We weren’t even together when you left. And…’
‘We were so totally together!’ Jared grabs Jensen’s hand. ‘I told you I was coming back. I told you I was only going away for a while.’
Jensen squeezes his hand. ‘We both know we were on a break, Jared.’
Jared shakes his head, determined to be adamant about it. ‘No. I said we needed time apart.’
Jensen smiles. ‘Which, in other words, means a break.’
‘God, shut up.’ Jared leans over and kisses him. ‘I was an asshole, all right? I shouldn’t have left like that.’
‘Well, whatever. It happened, and I can’t blame you for it. I missed you something fierce, Jared. And then I threw myself into my work, started spending nights at the hospital again.’
‘I was afraid of that,’ Jared says, looking away. It had taken Jensen so long to open up to him, trust that he’d be around, and then Jared had walked away. ‘I’m so sorry, Jen.’
‘Don’t be. It made me think, you know? I didn’t want my life to go back to that. I wanted to be open to seeing people again, living again. Hell, I even went on a date.’
‘What?’ Jared asks, thrown.
‘Someone at work set me up. It didn’t work out,’ Jensen says quickly. ‘I faked an emergency halfway through dinner.’
‘You cheater,’ Jared says, slapping him on the knee. ‘You’re going to be making that up to me for a long time.’
‘Whatever you want,’ Jensen says, leaning in to kiss him. ‘I want you back, Jared. But you have to talk to me, okay? You can’t go running off if things get bad. I can’t… I’m not sure I can deal with that again.’
‘I won’t. I swear I’ll try not to. But you gotta promise not to shut me out, okay? Not like you’ve done this past month.’
Jensen winces. ‘I was just trying to look out for you, Jay. I thought you needed time.’
‘Don’t think for me,’ Jared says gently. ‘I can’t promise things will be great, Jen. I don’t even know how long it’s going to take me to be totally functional again.’
Jensen nods. He’s watching Jared carefully, as though he’s afraid Jared will bolt at any moment. ‘At the airport, you said you weren’t-you said you didn’t feel you’d come home. You still feel like that?’
Jared gives him a small smile. Trust Jensen to remember the important stuff. ‘I don’t know,’ he says, trying to be as honest as he can. ‘These last few weeks… I thought a lot about stuff. I saw things that I never… things that made me think. I can’t… I’m not sure I can explain. In a way, it was all so simple when I thought I was helping to solve a mystery. Just another forensics case, you know? I thought I was looking for the identity of a victim, a good person killed by bad guys. And then they took us and it threw me.’
He looks up at Jensen and shrugs his shoulders helplessly. ‘They weren’t… it wasn’t what I was expecting. Those guys are victims too, I think. Sailor-Sirisha-she was a victim of a war crime perpetrated by her own government. It’s a war and no one’s on the side of the victims, and I… I just don’t know.’ He scrubs a hand over his face. ‘If I thought I could change things, I’d go back in a heartbeat.’ He glances at Jensen again. ‘I know you don’t want to hear that.’
Jensen shakes his head. ‘Don’t worry about what you think I want to hear, okay? I want to hear whatever you have to say, Jared. Whatever you’re thinking.’
‘You’re kind of perfect, you know that?’ Jared lets out a small laugh, feeling drained.
‘Nah. I just… I want to help, if I can. And if I can’t… I need you to be able to tell me to stay away.’
‘I don’t want that,’ Jared says, resolute. ‘I need… I need time to sort things out in my head, but I don’t… I don’t want you to stay away, Jensen. I need you to help me, but I also need to figure some stuff out for myself. I know you think I’m just some idiot kid, but I have a brain, you know.’
‘I don’t think that,’ Jensen protests. ‘You’re brilliant, Jared. It’s one of the reasons I…’
He stops, and Jared smiles. ‘You going to finish that sentence?’
And Jensen, to his credit, actually does.
~end
Fic Masterpost | Art Masterpost
Part 3
‘You’re really here,’ Jared says, blinking. His voice comes out hoarse, like he’s been screaming for hours.
‘Hey,’ Jensen says, a ghost of a smile on his face. ‘You had me worried. You’ve been out for three days.’
‘Where are we?’
‘Memorial Street Hospital, in Colombo. You remember what happened?’
‘They took us from the forest. Rekha. And Assaf. Are they…’
‘They’re fine. They’re both fine, Jay.’ Jensen offers him a glass of water, and Jared takes a cautious sip.
‘Did they get Tahir?’
‘Nope. His body wasn’t found. I can’t believe the asshole was driving us around the whole time, and I didn’t know he’d taken you.’
‘He thinks he’s a freedom fighter. They all did.’
‘Maybe they are. But no one has the right to kill, Jared. I won’t believe that.’ Jensen holds up the glass of water again. ‘More?’
Jared shakes his head. ‘How did you find us?’
‘The Mercurochrome on your lists. We watched the pharmacies that stocked it, and followed one of the suppliers back to the camp. You did it, Jay. You were brilliant.’
‘Did what?’ Jared asks, confused.
‘Prescribed Mercurochrome. So we could find you.’
Jared looks at him blankly for a moment. ‘Jensen, I didn’t… I wasn’t thinking about leaving a clue. I just couldn’t remember what the substitutes were called.’
--
Jensen isn’t there the next time Jared wakes up, and he walks to Rekha’s room with an orderly’s help. She’s sitting up in bed, and she pulls him close and hugs him tightly.
‘I thought they’d killed you,’ Jared says, and only realizes he’s crying when Rekha reaches up to wipe his face.
‘They didn’t hurt me,’ she says. ‘My fever was bad. I guess they thought I was dying.’
‘You were both very lucky,’ a voice with an English accent says from the doorway, and Jared turns to see a woman with short dark hair and an elegant business suit.
‘This is Caroline,’ Rekha says with a smile. ‘She and Jensen found you.’
Caroline smiles, holding out her hand, and Jared shakes it on reflex. ‘I’m glad you’re safe, Jared. All three of you.’
Jared returns to his room in a few minutes, exhausted from the journey down the corridor, and falls into a deep sleep. When he wakes again, Jensen is sitting in the chair beside his bed. They haven’t talked much over the last few days, but the silences between them aren’t as uncomfortable as Jared had feared.
‘Hey,’ Jensen says now, leaning forward to put a hand on Jared’s arm. ‘How’re you doing?’
‘Good,’ Jared says, pleased to hear that his voice is somewhat stronger now. ‘I’m good.’
‘Glad to hear it,’ Jensen says lightly.
‘When was the last time you slept in an actual bed?’ Jared asks.
Jensen shrugs. ‘Doesn’t matter. You’re here, you’re all right. That’s the only thing that matters.’
--
A week later, Jared goes to Rekha’s office at the institute of advanced research. Jensen is with him, and they’re on their way to the airport, Jared having been discharged from the hospital a few hours earlier.
‘Hey,’ Rekha says, smiling broadly. She gets up from her chair with a little difficulty, coming around her desk to give Jared a hug.
‘Easy,’ Jared says, hugging her gently.
‘We’re both the walking wounded, huh?’ she says with a little laugh. She waves her hand toward the desk. ‘Look what Assaf dropped off this morning.’
It’s Sailor’s face, fully reconstructed.
‘It isn’t her,’ Rekha says.
‘What do you mean?’
‘Look at it, Jared. It’s just… a quiet, peaceful face. I spoke to Palipana on the phone. He told me Assaf’s wife was one of the people who’d gone missing in the last riots. He wasn’t creating Sailor’s face at all. He just wanted to give Sailor a peaceful face, because he wanted that for his wife. For all the people who’ve been murdered, for their families.’
‘So we’re back to square zero?’
‘No, absolutely not. After you went missing, the Human Rights Commission got involved, and now that I’ve recovered enough, I’ve been given permission to continue working on Sailor’s case. I won’t make an official report, Jared. Not after what happened.’ She smiles ruefully. ‘I don’t want to die. But I swear to you that I’ll do everything to find Sailor’s identify based on your profile of her, and maybe her family will finally get some closure.’
--
Jared sleeps almost all the way through the sixteen-hour flight back home. Outside the terminal, he and Jensen get coffee from a stall, and sit together on a bench. They don’t talk, and Jensen looks as exhausted as Jared feels.
Jared finishes his coffee and gets to his feet, tossing his empty cup into a trash can. ‘I need to go to Gen’s,’ he says, hitching his bag higher over his shoulder. ‘See the dogs.’
‘Okay.’ Jensen nods, taking a step back. ‘Okay, I’ll get you a cab and we can-you can-’
‘Hey.’ Jared closes the distance between them, reaching out to touch Jensen’s face. ‘You’re coming with me, right?’
Jensen hesitates, and Jared wonders for a panicked moment if he’s read the situation all wrong. ‘You do want to come with me, right?’
‘Yeah, Jay. I want to.’
‘Oh my god.’ Jared lets his hand drop. ‘You really don’t.’
‘It’s not that,’ Jensen says quickly. ‘You’ve been through so much, and I didn’t exactly make you happy in the days before you left, and…’
Jared’s shaking his head now, stepping back further. ‘It’s okay, Jensen, really it is. I get it.’
Jensen shuts his eyes for a moment, letting out a frustrated sound. ‘Fuck, Jared. I didn’t go halfway across the fucking planet to do this again.’
Jared turns away, his eyes stinging. ‘Then why did you come?’
‘For you, all right? To bring you back home. Not to do this, Jay. Not to fight with you.’
‘I don’t even know if this is home anymore.’ Jared squeezes his eyes shut for a moment. There’s a howl of misery somewhere inside him, fighting to get out.
‘Jared, are you okay?’ Jensen sounds alarmed.
He takes a step closer, but Jared moves away. ‘I gotta go. We-we’ll talk later, okay?’
--
Genevieve and Danneel give him a welcome that’s almost as enthusiastic as the dogs’, all five of them tumbling together in a heap of joy and excitement.
Afterwards, he takes a shower and collapses into bed, and sleeps for fifteen hours straight.
He doesn’t hear from Jensen at all.
The day after he reaches Gen and Danneel’s place, he finally feels up to communicating with someone other than the dogs, and emerges sheepishly from the guest room. Gen’s at work but Danneel greets him warmly, offering coffee and muffins still hot from the oven. He doesn’t talk much and she doesn’t push him, both of them sitting at the table in amicable silence until she finishes her coffee and leaves him to himself, disappearing into her room after giving his shoulder a quick squeeze.
He calls Jensen’s cell phone. It goes straight to voicemail and he hangs up without leaving a message, feeling like he’s been punched in the stomach.
Jensen calls back twenty minutes later. ‘Jared? You doing okay? I saw your call.’
‘Yeah, I-I’m fine. How about you?’
‘I was with a patient.’
‘You’re at work?’
‘Yeah, one of my patients called in with an emergency.’
‘Oh.’
‘I gotta go,’ Jensen says. Jared can hear someone in the background. ‘I’ll talk to you soon, okay?’ He hangs up before Jared can answer.
--
A few days pass without event. Jared stays in Gen’s guest room, and starts to take the dogs out for short runs in the mornings when he starts feeling stronger. A week after his return, he gets an email from Rekha.
Dear Jared,
Her name was Sirisha. She was nineteen, the oldest of four children. She dropped out of school five years ago to go to work in the mines so she could help her mother feed the family. Her father is AWOL, apparently.
I had her remains cremated and gave her ashes to her mother. She cried in my arms. I told her some of the story about how we’d found Sirisha, how she’d never have found her way back home without you. Her mother sends you her regards, and her thanks. They say a mother’s blessing is the most powerful you can receive.
Palipana passed away in his sleep last week. The doctors said his heart couldn’t take the shock of the attack on the grove. Lakma will continue to live there, and keep it open to visitors, as her uncle had wished. We should go back and visit someday, when all this madness is done.
Last week, I went to a temple to watch a ceremony. I’m not religious, but it was Assaf’s first day back at work. I watched him paint the Buddha’s eyes over his shoulder, facing a mirror. It was magical.
Be well, my friend, and stay in touch.
Rekha
Gen comes home from work to find Jared at the table, sobbing into his hands.
--
He lets the days pass. He applies for a job or two, mostly half-heartedly, unsure that he wants to remain in the profession anymore. Some nights he wakes up screaming, frightening the dogs and his roommates. Gen and Danneel have both offered to let him stay as long as he likes, and he starts paying them rent, despite their protests; if he’s going to be staying long-term, he can’t be a burden on them.
He speaks to Jensen once every few days, nothing more than brief calls. Sometimes he calls Jensen, and sometimes Jensen calls him. They haven’t met in weeks. He’s afraid to extend their phone conversations, worried that their talk will deteriorate into fighting. Talking to Jensen for a few minutes at a time is better than not talking at all. He’s learned that the hard way.
One evening, Jared can’t stand being inside the apartment anymore. He grabs his coat and lets himself out, the dogs sound asleep on his bed. Halfway down the stairs he wishes he’d taken one of them along, but part of him knows where he’s headed, and it’s just as well.
Jensen’s not home. Jared sits down on the bench seat on the porch. He remembers a night a lifetime ago: it was his birthday, and he’d come home to find Jensen sitting on the steps. He’d give a lot now to see Jensen’s face light up the way it had when he’d seen Jared come home that night. This year, he’d spent his birthday in a militant camp, not even remembering the date.
He doesn’t even realize he’s fallen asleep until he startles awake when Jensen’s hand touches his arm. ‘Hey,’ Jensen says. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. You okay? What’re you doing here?’
‘Nothing.’ Jared scrubs at his eyes. ‘Wanted to see you.’
‘You want me to drive you back?’
Jared stares up at him. ‘You just got home.’
‘I just thought…’ Jensen shakes his head, as if to clear it. ‘You look tired, that’s all.’
‘Jensen, what’s going on? Why won’t you talk to me?’
Jensen sits down next to him, letting out an exhausted sigh. ‘Nothing’s going on, Jared. I just didn’t want to assume anything, you know?’
‘Assume what? I’ve told you I want to see you. Multiple times.’
‘I don’t want to end up hurting you again, Jared. I did it before, didn’t I? And I told you before, I just… I don’t know how to be with people. I don’t know how to be in a relationship. If I end up neglecting you again, and you run off again…’
‘I didn’t run off,’ Jared says, indignant. ‘I was giving you space. I was giving us both time to think.’
‘And you ended up nearly getting killed.’
‘Fuck.’ Jared drops his head into his hands. ‘I can’t believe this. After everything, we’re still right where we were. Nothing’s changed.’
Jensen says nothing. For a long moment, Jared just breathes, willing himself to calm down. When he looks up again, Jensen says, ‘I can’t do this right now.’
‘Yeah. Me either.’ Jared gets up, picking up his jacket and slinging it over his shoulder. ‘I’ll get out of your way.’
Jensen’s hand closes around his wrist. ‘Jay, we’re both exhausted. But don’t… don’t go away mad.’
‘I’m not mad, Jen. You’re right, we’re tired. I shouldn’t be pushing you into anything.’
Jensen’s thumb rubs against the pulse point on Jared’s wrist. ‘You want to come in? And just, I don’t know-sleep?’
Jared looks down at Jensen’s hand on his wrist. He nods, all the resistance draining out of him.
Jensen gets to his feet, letting go of Jared’s hand. ‘Come on.’
--
Jensen’s already in bed when Jared emerges from the bathroom in his t-shirt and boxers. He’s left a light on but he’s under the covers, his eyes closed.
Jared stops beside the bed, hesitant, but Jensen opens his eyes and turns his head. ‘Hey,’ he says, his voice hoarse with tiredness. ‘Come here.’ He stretches out an arm in invitation.
Jared crawls in under the covers, letting Jensen wrap an arm around him, laying his head on Jensen’s shoulder. ‘This okay?’ he asks, his face pressed into Jensen’s neck.
‘More than okay,’ Jensen murmurs into his hair. Jared presses closer against him. ‘Sleep, Jay.’ Jensen’s fingers begin sifting gently through his hair. Jared pushes a hand up beneath Jensen’s t-shirt, his palm against Jensen’s skin, and is asleep in a minute.
--
He wakes up slowly, vague memories of dreams slipping away from his conscious mind like grains of sand. He doesn’t really mind that he can’t remember.
Jensen’s arm is still around him, holding him close, his breath in Jared’s hair.
‘Hey,’ Jensen says. ‘You awake?’
‘Yeah.’ Jared doesn’t move. ‘How long was I asleep?’
‘All night.’ Jensen nods toward the windows. The sun’s streaming in through the curtains.
‘Shit, I never told Gen I was staying out.’
‘It’s okay. I called her last night after you fell asleep.’
‘Oh. Thanks.’
‘You’re welcome.’ Jensen sounds a little amused. ‘You can stop being formal around me whenever you like.’
Jared huffs out a little laugh against Jensen’s chest. ‘Sorry. I guess I kinda made you let me sleep with you, huh.’
‘Hey, I don’t let just anyone into my bed,’ Jensen says lightly. He rubs his chin against the top of Jared’s head.
Jared lifts his head. ‘You aren’t throwing me out of bed just yet, right?’
‘Why?’ Jensen reaches up to tuck a strand of Jared’s hair behind his ear. ‘Did you have something in mind?’
‘Don’t mess with me, Jen.’ Jared glances down at Jensen’s mouth, and then back up to his eyes.
‘I’m not.’ Jensen frames his face with one hand, his thumb rubbing beneath Jared’s eye. ‘Anything you want, Jared. I’m all yours.’
‘I thought we were going to talk.’ Jared leans closer, his breath against Jensen’s lips.
‘Nah, talking’s overrated. Don’t you think?’ Jensen curls a hand into Jared’s hair and pulls his head down for a kiss. Jared groans, his lips parting instantly to let Jensen’s tongue in. He sucks on it like he’s starving for it. It’s wet and filthy and perfect, nothing tentative at all about the way they explore each other’s mouths. Jared’s getting harder by the second, pushing against Jensen with growing need. ‘Jen,’ he pants into Jensen’s mouth. ‘Jen, I-’
‘What do you want? Anything.’
‘Want you. God, Jen, I want you so bad.’
They rock together, Jared almost whimpering with every thrust at how good it feels. Despite two layers of clothes between them, it feels more intimate than anything they’ve done before. Jensen’s fingers grasp at Jared’s back, his face against Jared’s neck. He presses his lips there, murmuring nonsense, his hands sliding down to cup Jared’s ass, pulling him in as he wraps his legs around Jared. Jared kisses him desperately, thrusting harder against him. He’s not going to last, not when Jensen’s making those sounds and pushing up against him, his thighs clamping tight around Jared’s hips.
When Jensen comes, it’s with a quiet intake of breath, his back arching high, his head thrown back, eyes shut tight. Jared slides down between Jensen’s legs, tugging his boxers down. He licks at the wetness on his stomach, fucking his own fist and coming with the taste of Jensen in his mouth.
He catches his breath with his face pressed against Jensen’s thigh, Jensen’s fingers wound tight in his hair. Jensen tugs him up and lets him collapse on top of him. They lie like that for a while, kissing languidly, until Jensen pushes him off.
‘Good?’ Jared asks, searching Jensen’s face.
‘Fucking perfect.’ Jensen runs a hand up Jared’s arm. ‘You okay?’
‘I’m great. You?’
Jensen rolls over onto his front with a contented sigh. ‘Give me a moment to recover, and I’ll show you just how okay I am.’
Jared laughs, throwing a leg over both of Jensen’s and settling in. ‘You’re not recovering from that anytime soon, old man.’
‘Yeah?’ Jensen’s fingers start playing with Jared’s hair, scratching against his scalp just the way Jared loves, and he curls around Jensen, letting himself fall into sleep again.
--
‘Fuck, fuck, fuck. I’m late.’ Jensen throws a pillow at Jared’s face. ‘Wake up, you big lump.’
Jared pulls the pillow off his face, blinking sleepily. ‘You throwing me out?’
‘Yes,’ Jensen says firmly. ‘Get up and get your clothes on. I’ll drop you off on the way to work.’
‘Five more minutes.’ Jared rolls over and buries his face in the pillow.
‘Fine.’ Jensen kisses the side of his head.
‘Love you,’ Jared says into the pillow.
When his eyes open again, the house is quiet. There’s a note on the pillow beside his head. There’s food in the fridge. Back soon. J.
He gets up and showers, vaguely remembering Jensen’s threats to throw him out and grinning to himself. Jensen clearly hadn’t had the heart to make him get up, and the sleep has done him good.
He’s at the kitchen table, eating reheated pizza and talking to Gen on the phone, when he hears Jensen’s key in the lock. ‘Gotta go,’ he says into the phone. ‘I’ll be back in a while.’
‘Hey,’ Jensen says, coming into the kitchen and slipping out of his coat, throwing it over a chair before coming up to Jared and leaning down for a kiss. They linger over it, Jensen licking at Jared’s lips and slipping his tongue into Jared’s mouth.
‘Hey yourself,’ Jared says when they finally pull apart. ‘Sorry about this morning. I just couldn’t get my eyes open.’
‘It’s fine,’ Jensen says. He looks tired, but he’s smiling. ‘I thought you might want to get home to the dogs.’
Jared’s not entirely sure what to say to that. He takes another bite of pizza. ‘I just spoke to Gen,’ he says. ‘They’re fine.’
‘We should talk, yeah?’ Jensen says, sliding into the chair next to Jared’s.
Jared nods. ‘I guess. Unless you’d rather go back to bed.’
‘Tempting,’ Jensen says with a grin, reaching over to ruffle Jared’s hair, and Jared’s heart lifts a little. Jensen gives him a quick kiss. ‘You first?’ he asks.
Jared shakes his head, nervous again. ‘No, you.’
‘Yeah, okay.’ Jensen takes a deep breath. ‘I’m crazy about you, Jay. You know that, right?’
Jared nods, unable to look away from Jensen’s face. ‘I think so, yeah.’
‘Trust me, kid. I’d do anything for you.’
‘I think you already demonstrated that,’ Jared says with a small laugh.
‘When I was… fuck, Jared, when you were missing, it was like the worst possible thing that could ever happen to me. I couldn’t think straight, couldn’t sleep, kept imagining the worst, you know?’
Jared nods, throat too tight to speak.
‘People kept telling me to hold on, to not lose hope, but I could tell they were pitying me. Like they knew you were never coming back, like they knew something I didn’t. But I didn’t believe it. I had to believe you would come back. Fuck, I couldn’t have breathed otherwise.’
‘But?’ Jared asks.
Jensen shakes his head. ‘There’s no but, Jay. Not really. Not about the way I feel about you. But, yeah. We weren’t even together when you left. And…’
‘We were so totally together!’ Jared grabs Jensen’s hand. ‘I told you I was coming back. I told you I was only going away for a while.’
Jensen squeezes his hand. ‘We both know we were on a break, Jared.’
Jared shakes his head, determined to be adamant about it. ‘No. I said we needed time apart.’
Jensen smiles. ‘Which, in other words, means a break.’
‘God, shut up.’ Jared leans over and kisses him. ‘I was an asshole, all right? I shouldn’t have left like that.’
‘Well, whatever. It happened, and I can’t blame you for it. I missed you something fierce, Jared. And then I threw myself into my work, started spending nights at the hospital again.’
‘I was afraid of that,’ Jared says, looking away. It had taken Jensen so long to open up to him, trust that he’d be around, and then Jared had walked away. ‘I’m so sorry, Jen.’
‘Don’t be. It made me think, you know? I didn’t want my life to go back to that. I wanted to be open to seeing people again, living again. Hell, I even went on a date.’
‘What?’ Jared asks, thrown.
‘Someone at work set me up. It didn’t work out,’ Jensen says quickly. ‘I faked an emergency halfway through dinner.’
‘You cheater,’ Jared says, slapping him on the knee. ‘You’re going to be making that up to me for a long time.’
‘Whatever you want,’ Jensen says, leaning in to kiss him. ‘I want you back, Jared. But you have to talk to me, okay? You can’t go running off if things get bad. I can’t… I’m not sure I can deal with that again.’
‘I won’t. I swear I’ll try not to. But you gotta promise not to shut me out, okay? Not like you’ve done this past month.’
Jensen winces. ‘I was just trying to look out for you, Jay. I thought you needed time.’
‘Don’t think for me,’ Jared says gently. ‘I can’t promise things will be great, Jen. I don’t even know how long it’s going to take me to be totally functional again.’
Jensen nods. He’s watching Jared carefully, as though he’s afraid Jared will bolt at any moment. ‘At the airport, you said you weren’t-you said you didn’t feel you’d come home. You still feel like that?’
Jared gives him a small smile. Trust Jensen to remember the important stuff. ‘I don’t know,’ he says, trying to be as honest as he can. ‘These last few weeks… I thought a lot about stuff. I saw things that I never… things that made me think. I can’t… I’m not sure I can explain. In a way, it was all so simple when I thought I was helping to solve a mystery. Just another forensics case, you know? I thought I was looking for the identity of a victim, a good person killed by bad guys. And then they took us and it threw me.’
He looks up at Jensen and shrugs his shoulders helplessly. ‘They weren’t… it wasn’t what I was expecting. Those guys are victims too, I think. Sailor-Sirisha-she was a victim of a war crime perpetrated by her own government. It’s a war and no one’s on the side of the victims, and I… I just don’t know.’ He scrubs a hand over his face. ‘If I thought I could change things, I’d go back in a heartbeat.’ He glances at Jensen again. ‘I know you don’t want to hear that.’
Jensen shakes his head. ‘Don’t worry about what you think I want to hear, okay? I want to hear whatever you have to say, Jared. Whatever you’re thinking.’
‘You’re kind of perfect, you know that?’ Jared lets out a small laugh, feeling drained.
‘Nah. I just… I want to help, if I can. And if I can’t… I need you to be able to tell me to stay away.’
‘I don’t want that,’ Jared says, resolute. ‘I need… I need time to sort things out in my head, but I don’t… I don’t want you to stay away, Jensen. I need you to help me, but I also need to figure some stuff out for myself. I know you think I’m just some idiot kid, but I have a brain, you know.’
‘I don’t think that,’ Jensen protests. ‘You’re brilliant, Jared. It’s one of the reasons I…’
He stops, and Jared smiles. ‘You going to finish that sentence?’
And Jensen, to his credit, actually does.
~end
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