Hollywood
It is strange for me to see an aspect of a friends personality that I really don't like. I'm not talking about those annoying quirks that you put up with because you love them. I'm talking about seeing someone behaving in a way that changes how you view their character. At a persons core, they hold beliefs that affect the way they behave in daily life, in tricky situations. It is rare I see something in a friend that makes me doubt I believe in that core. However, when such a thing happens, it is very difficult for me to overcome. I love my friends dearly and with all my heart, once you are in my heart it is a near impossible feat to be displaced. All of this makes it hard for me when a transition point arrives, but once it does it hits me hard. I am growing apart from so many people right now. Good friends, Best friends, because our core beliefs and goals just aren't the same anymore. It's so hard to realize we are growing apart, I miss them, and I am holding on far too tight. I don't look down on them, and it may not even be them who has changed. In all honesty, it probably is me. I feel the disconnection though, and when you feel like you cant/don't want to tell your best friends 80% of how you feel and what is going on in your head or your life... something is wrong. I feel really isolated lately. Normally it isn't something I mind, in fact most of the time I find it kind of preferable. I guess the feeling bothers me when I don't have a choice in the matter, that if and when I do want to share with my friends good news or strange thoughts I can't. I hate feeling like I am being judged or looked down upon. Lately that is all I feel from these friends. For the first time in a long time... I feel like I don't belong and I hate it. I'm uncomfortable being myself around them, a feeling I haven't had in a really long time. I honestly don't know what to do, or how to handle this at all, and I can tell you right now I am doing horribly. I feel like every time I open my mouth the words come out wrong, which makes me feel like I never want to open my mouth again. I'm finding it very hard not to just stop answering altogether. Probably not the best solution... but when your words lose meaning, what's the point in speaking up?