..: shape of the fear :..
We were staring at the stars
And we heard a clap of thunder
Then the moon gave way to rain
And it tore apart the sky
So we laid flat on our backs
'Cause in the rain... no one knows you're crying
I'm going to attempt to express how I'm feeling.. but I don't think I'm going to have any luck with it. I've been in this numb state all day.
I don't understand how things always seem to start to pick up and come together, and then something in the form of a tornado destroys everything in its path... all your hope.. everything. I really can't comprehend life sometimes...
Some things you learn from hurting yourself
And some things you learn from hurting someone else
And anyway.. I don't think I'll be coming back here again
Always the wrong way
Never the right way
Forward and backward
Over and over
Talk is cheap
So I bought every word you said
It scared me half to death
Now I'm half dead
And anyway.. I don't think I'll be coming back here again
I'm craving emotion. I'd give anything to just feel right now. I know that there is an abundant supply buried underneath SOMETHING inside... I can feel them stirring around.. but I don't know how to let them escape.. they NEED to be set free...
Brandtson - "Bricks and Windows"
I won't be the one to wait outside your door
Watch it all fall down around your head
I won't be that one anymore
So shine on me the sun
To white out my whole world
Catch it on my tongue
These words once said
I won't be that one
No not anymore
There's more than a million questions I could ask
But it wouldn't matter at all
So take me and tear me open
I won't bleed until you're gone
I don't understand your actions
¤ ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤
Last Night
I don't feel like going into any of the horrible details...
My dad turned into his old self last night. It wasn't expected... just... blah. I don't even know how to say anything.. I can't feel! I can't feel! When his hands were on me... every foul emotion from the past came flooding to the bitter surface. All of the rage.. the fear.. the hurt.. the pain.. all of it. I was screaming... I screamed so loud that I thought my lungs were going to burst. As he had me pinned up on the wall.. and I was screaming and crying.. my eyes opened and I saw his face... and within seconds.. my fist had met his face and he dropped me to the floor... I ran... ran away screaming. I couldn't stop shaking... it was horrible. I was 12 again.. I was 12 and I was that scared lil girl.. I was scared and alone and supposed to just forget. But I can't.. and I won't.
He gave my mom an ultimatum... but I won't allow her to make a choice between the two of us. I'm leaving.. and I know that within a few days.. they'll want it to just blow over and I'll be welcomed to stay. But I don't think I can. I don't think I should. I should have never moved back in. There was a reason I moved out years ago... and it changed me when I was free from this environment. *sighs*
I'm so scared... I'm scared and I feel so... guilty. It has only been 24 hours.. and everyone just ignores what happened. I don't know how they do it.. how they can just forget it all.
I want to throw up. I want to just... I feel this black anger. I'm not used to feeling angry.. but I'm angry. I can't feel.. but I'll get a glimpse of this bitter anger and it twists my stomach into knots.
I won't have the internet after this week. I'll have to make trips to the library so I can journal and check my email.
I don't know where I'm going to go.. Alabama is really the only option that I have. My Grandma lives there.. but that really isn't a place that I want to be...
I'm trying not to fall apart.. I'm trying not to..
I don't have much strength left to get up and fight another round.. I'm wanting to just... lay there... and I feel so completely alone.. so very alone....
I wanted to be able to express all of these sour emotions.. but I can't right now.. I'm numb... somewhere underneath all of the nothingness.. lies much pain.. but I don't know how to release it. Even if I did.. it would prolly kill me.
Where is my home? Where is the stable life that I crave? *sighs*
craving tears...
And we heard a clap of thunder
Then the moon gave way to rain
And it tore apart the sky
So we laid flat on our backs
'Cause in the rain... no one knows you're crying
I'm going to attempt to express how I'm feeling.. but I don't think I'm going to have any luck with it. I've been in this numb state all day.
I don't understand how things always seem to start to pick up and come together, and then something in the form of a tornado destroys everything in its path... all your hope.. everything. I really can't comprehend life sometimes...
Some things you learn from hurting yourself
And some things you learn from hurting someone else
And anyway.. I don't think I'll be coming back here again
Always the wrong way
Never the right way
Forward and backward
Over and over
Talk is cheap
So I bought every word you said
It scared me half to death
Now I'm half dead
And anyway.. I don't think I'll be coming back here again
I'm craving emotion. I'd give anything to just feel right now. I know that there is an abundant supply buried underneath SOMETHING inside... I can feel them stirring around.. but I don't know how to let them escape.. they NEED to be set free...
Brandtson - "Bricks and Windows"
I won't be the one to wait outside your door
Watch it all fall down around your head
I won't be that one anymore
So shine on me the sun
To white out my whole world
Catch it on my tongue
These words once said
I won't be that one
No not anymore
There's more than a million questions I could ask
But it wouldn't matter at all
So take me and tear me open
I won't bleed until you're gone
I don't understand your actions
¤ ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤
Last Night
I don't feel like going into any of the horrible details...
My dad turned into his old self last night. It wasn't expected... just... blah. I don't even know how to say anything.. I can't feel! I can't feel! When his hands were on me... every foul emotion from the past came flooding to the bitter surface. All of the rage.. the fear.. the hurt.. the pain.. all of it. I was screaming... I screamed so loud that I thought my lungs were going to burst. As he had me pinned up on the wall.. and I was screaming and crying.. my eyes opened and I saw his face... and within seconds.. my fist had met his face and he dropped me to the floor... I ran... ran away screaming. I couldn't stop shaking... it was horrible. I was 12 again.. I was 12 and I was that scared lil girl.. I was scared and alone and supposed to just forget. But I can't.. and I won't.
He gave my mom an ultimatum... but I won't allow her to make a choice between the two of us. I'm leaving.. and I know that within a few days.. they'll want it to just blow over and I'll be welcomed to stay. But I don't think I can. I don't think I should. I should have never moved back in. There was a reason I moved out years ago... and it changed me when I was free from this environment. *sighs*
I'm so scared... I'm scared and I feel so... guilty. It has only been 24 hours.. and everyone just ignores what happened. I don't know how they do it.. how they can just forget it all.
I want to throw up. I want to just... I feel this black anger. I'm not used to feeling angry.. but I'm angry. I can't feel.. but I'll get a glimpse of this bitter anger and it twists my stomach into knots.
I won't have the internet after this week. I'll have to make trips to the library so I can journal and check my email.
I don't know where I'm going to go.. Alabama is really the only option that I have. My Grandma lives there.. but that really isn't a place that I want to be...
I'm trying not to fall apart.. I'm trying not to..
I don't have much strength left to get up and fight another round.. I'm wanting to just... lay there... and I feel so completely alone.. so very alone....
I wanted to be able to express all of these sour emotions.. but I can't right now.. I'm numb... somewhere underneath all of the nothingness.. lies much pain.. but I don't know how to release it. Even if I did.. it would prolly kill me.
Where is my home? Where is the stable life that I crave? *sighs*
craving tears...