(no subject)
Tonight is one of those nights where my mind is so full of thoughts that I feel like I should update and yet because I am so full of thoughts I'm not sure what to say. My life, as my departure draws nearer is quickly transforming into a whirlwind as I try to fit in as much as possible before leaving Sarasota. These I love everyone and everything (except my job...but that's beside the point). It's as though I am actually living out my life in the nostalgic way that I am going to picture it as having been when I arrive in France is a few weeks overwhelmed, stressed out, and completely alone. Today I recevied my key and dropped my first few things off at the beach house and moving became real. I've discovered only over the last week or so how fond I have actually grown of this strange house. It's so weird to think that by the time I return from France, chances are no one I know will live here anymore and so after Monday I will probably never be in this room again. As a person who lived in the same house from age three onward, constant moving is one of the most traumatic features of college life. It isn't really because I fear change though. I never truly doubt that my next dwelling place and the new phase of life it represents will be a good one. I just become very emotionally attached to places and I don't like the idea that my access to places isn't unlimited. In other words, that I don't indefinitely have the ability to visit places I cared about and attached memories to at various points in my life. I think that is one of the reasons why I enjoy going to the beach at night so much. When it is dark enough that I can see the stars better than the sand, all beaches seem very similar to me and I am reminded that the world is actually quite small and that every place I've ever been is connected to any place I'll ever go. At the same time though, I have to admit I've always been entranced by the idea of infinity which is why I am in love with space and the idea that the universe is so much bigger than I can ever begin to imagine. This is one of the chief contradictions about me the fact that I care very deeply about my close friends and the quality of my relationships and yet and the same time I can't resist the allure of things that seem "bigger" and outside the realm of what is familiar to me. So, I have resolved to move to Paris and have the most amazing time possible and yet at the same time I don't doubt for a minute that I will think of all of my close friends from home everyday that I am away. I don't believe that that is homesickness though. It just means that I love the people I surround myself with as much as I love adventure. I really really like the fact that, although I might be construed as selfish for feeling this way, ultimately I believe I can have both.