Life Update
I think i'm the most nostalgic person I know. Put on my old high school playlist and I'm right back there. happy...in a way. although, i felt that i was never really happy in high school. maybe its just comforting. Everything was so much more simple then. Now, here i am, 25 years old, with a fiancé and two-year-old daughter. I suppose quite a bit has happened since my last journal entry. this is what i wanted...what i strived for...the american dream, right? I'm currently finishing up my first semester of nursing school at ECC and i'm really proud of myself. I want this more than anything. I know this is where I should be and what i should be doing. I can see myself walking across that stage at the pinning ceremony. I know i'll make it because i WANT to. I have the drive to do so much better this time around.
I've decided to come back to live journal because its so much more private. Everyone posts their private life on Facebook and I'm just not about that. I don't need my aunts and future (maybe) mother-in-law to see my deepest emotions and thoughts. I just need to get everything on the table and in the open. I want to come back to this post in a month or two and see where i'm at. Did i accomplish what i wanted? Were my wishy-washy feelings towards Bill cyclic? Is it a pattern i need to be more aware of? Is this my gut telling my heart and brain that this ISN'T RIGHT. Unfortunately at this point in the game i am stuck. I don't have the finances to be on my own. I work part-time making ~$600 every two weeks. That will pick up when I'm off school for the summer and i can save some, but still. Its hard. I can't afford an apartment, car payment, utilities, insurance, groceries on that kind of a salary, so unfortunately i need him around at least until I'm done with school. I know that sounds shitty, but with my parent's getting divorced and still living in the same household, i have nowhere else to go. I hope that in a few years i can look back at this point in my life and say, "I'm glad i went through that, it made me a better person, but WTF were you thinking?!" I just need to get through it.
Bill makes me feel like what i want and like are inadequate. He criticizes my music and doesn't understand that I need alone and quiet time away from him and Emma. He makes me feel guilty when i leave the house without her. He's a trump supporter (need i say more?). He's not very worldly or highly educated. I find it difficult to have an enlightening conversation with him because he's so narrow-minded. I don't feel loved or understood. He says he loves me, but doesn't show it. to me, showing it says so much more than just saying it. We never talk. and when we do, he gets upset about something because he just doesn't want to discuss certain things (like finances). Did i mention he has a diaper fetish? This is really hard for me to get over also. I just...i just don't get it. and I told him flat out its something i'll never be able to act out for him as I find it disturbing. I just feel like there is someone better suited for me out there. I've been trying for a long time to "water what i want to grow" but i'm just sick of getting bitter, stupid, dead grass. I want a bouquet of lovely diverse flowers and scents. I want to have pride in the garden i've created and spent time on. I don't want to feel embarrassed by it.
Also, my Grandma...my favorite person in the entire world, died suddenly, 5 days before christmas. I was absolutely crushed. I still am. when i'm left alone I still cry. She was my rock...the only real stability i felt i had in my life. and she's gone. I should have went to see her that week before she died. I kept saying i would but emma had been so needy and cranky that i couldn't bare to drag her around the nursing home like a circus act...so I put it off. She should have been at home. If it wasn't for my shitty father, she could have been living with my mom and we could have been taking care of her. "should have, would have, could have". fuck. I love and miss her. This is so hard.
Also, I have a nodule on my thyroid. I had a FNA and was told it was benign, but, it's getting bigger...I worry about it everyday. Im sure its cancer. I think its noticeable to people now and it really bothers me but I'm so terrified about surgery and having a scar and having to take medication everyday of the rest of my life.
And for a hot minute, could we also talk about the intense crush I have on my 32 y/o boss? did i mention he's MARRIED? yeah. I haven't had feelings like this since Alan. I truly care so much for him. He has the most gorgeous blue eyes that just make me melt. His voice sends shivers down my spine and places the biggest smile on my face. Every time the work phone rings I hope its him. He's intelligent and gentle and calm, yet so stable and in charge. I love how he blushes so much around me. We've had long periods of uninterrupted eye contact that i wish could last forever. Sometimes I feel like we're having an actual conversation but neither of us are really paying attention. Is it mutual? I can't tell. Not that i would want him to act like that if he's married, but, i just want to know. I think I know but...I also tend to over-romanticize things in my head. His hands are perfect- I want them around my waist-and the rest of my body. When he wears scrubs i just lose all concentration--He looks so good. I want him. All of him. All of his flaws. Everything. I want so bad to please him and make him happy. HA, also...He might have been sitting behind Bill and I on valentines day at the restaurant. I took one glance behind me and we caught eye-contact. and his voice sounded the same, but his hair was different-slicked back (please don't do that)-so I wasn't sure. I was too afraid to turn around again to know for sure and I was too much of a chicken to bring it up at work so I guess i'll never know. It's fun to have a crush but I also wish I could be with him. I know it'll never happen.
Well, I think that just about brings my life up-to-date. there's more but i just don't feel like adding any more tonight.
Huh, look at that, 4/24...Bill and I have been dating for 4 years now. Feels like longer...
I've decided to come back to live journal because its so much more private. Everyone posts their private life on Facebook and I'm just not about that. I don't need my aunts and future (maybe) mother-in-law to see my deepest emotions and thoughts. I just need to get everything on the table and in the open. I want to come back to this post in a month or two and see where i'm at. Did i accomplish what i wanted? Were my wishy-washy feelings towards Bill cyclic? Is it a pattern i need to be more aware of? Is this my gut telling my heart and brain that this ISN'T RIGHT. Unfortunately at this point in the game i am stuck. I don't have the finances to be on my own. I work part-time making ~$600 every two weeks. That will pick up when I'm off school for the summer and i can save some, but still. Its hard. I can't afford an apartment, car payment, utilities, insurance, groceries on that kind of a salary, so unfortunately i need him around at least until I'm done with school. I know that sounds shitty, but with my parent's getting divorced and still living in the same household, i have nowhere else to go. I hope that in a few years i can look back at this point in my life and say, "I'm glad i went through that, it made me a better person, but WTF were you thinking?!" I just need to get through it.
Bill makes me feel like what i want and like are inadequate. He criticizes my music and doesn't understand that I need alone and quiet time away from him and Emma. He makes me feel guilty when i leave the house without her. He's a trump supporter (need i say more?). He's not very worldly or highly educated. I find it difficult to have an enlightening conversation with him because he's so narrow-minded. I don't feel loved or understood. He says he loves me, but doesn't show it. to me, showing it says so much more than just saying it. We never talk. and when we do, he gets upset about something because he just doesn't want to discuss certain things (like finances). Did i mention he has a diaper fetish? This is really hard for me to get over also. I just...i just don't get it. and I told him flat out its something i'll never be able to act out for him as I find it disturbing. I just feel like there is someone better suited for me out there. I've been trying for a long time to "water what i want to grow" but i'm just sick of getting bitter, stupid, dead grass. I want a bouquet of lovely diverse flowers and scents. I want to have pride in the garden i've created and spent time on. I don't want to feel embarrassed by it.
Also, my Grandma...my favorite person in the entire world, died suddenly, 5 days before christmas. I was absolutely crushed. I still am. when i'm left alone I still cry. She was my rock...the only real stability i felt i had in my life. and she's gone. I should have went to see her that week before she died. I kept saying i would but emma had been so needy and cranky that i couldn't bare to drag her around the nursing home like a circus act...so I put it off. She should have been at home. If it wasn't for my shitty father, she could have been living with my mom and we could have been taking care of her. "should have, would have, could have". fuck. I love and miss her. This is so hard.
Also, I have a nodule on my thyroid. I had a FNA and was told it was benign, but, it's getting bigger...I worry about it everyday. Im sure its cancer. I think its noticeable to people now and it really bothers me but I'm so terrified about surgery and having a scar and having to take medication everyday of the rest of my life.
And for a hot minute, could we also talk about the intense crush I have on my 32 y/o boss? did i mention he's MARRIED? yeah. I haven't had feelings like this since Alan. I truly care so much for him. He has the most gorgeous blue eyes that just make me melt. His voice sends shivers down my spine and places the biggest smile on my face. Every time the work phone rings I hope its him. He's intelligent and gentle and calm, yet so stable and in charge. I love how he blushes so much around me. We've had long periods of uninterrupted eye contact that i wish could last forever. Sometimes I feel like we're having an actual conversation but neither of us are really paying attention. Is it mutual? I can't tell. Not that i would want him to act like that if he's married, but, i just want to know. I think I know but...I also tend to over-romanticize things in my head. His hands are perfect- I want them around my waist-and the rest of my body. When he wears scrubs i just lose all concentration--He looks so good. I want him. All of him. All of his flaws. Everything. I want so bad to please him and make him happy. HA, also...He might have been sitting behind Bill and I on valentines day at the restaurant. I took one glance behind me and we caught eye-contact. and his voice sounded the same, but his hair was different-slicked back (please don't do that)-so I wasn't sure. I was too afraid to turn around again to know for sure and I was too much of a chicken to bring it up at work so I guess i'll never know. It's fun to have a crush but I also wish I could be with him. I know it'll never happen.
Well, I think that just about brings my life up-to-date. there's more but i just don't feel like adding any more tonight.
Huh, look at that, 4/24...Bill and I have been dating for 4 years now. Feels like longer...