pondering
I was thinking this morning while at work about her again. I was also thinking on how so meny people end up getting married just because its the next logical step in the relationship. I think this is partly why half of all marriages fail. it should be more then just a next step. it should be because you are so deeply in love with the person that you want to spend the rest of your life together, go on adventures, later have children then grandchildren and grow old together. I think before I was feeling a little pressured when she was telling me she needed something before she would just move back just for me. I didn't want it to be the next step. So I caved and said no, because I was afraid of what the future might hold, where I might live, school and work. only now do I know that those things don't really matter in life. its the people that you love who matter. I am not my job or my car or my school. I am who I am, but I feel as though Destinee is a significant part of me. She knew at the time what she wanted, I was too worried about my future to think about my true love. With my dad I never felt I was good enough, I didn't have a college education like my brother, I choose to work on cars. he always told me he wanted to see me better off then he is when I grow up, and I took that to heart. it was alot of pressure. I was so focused on trying to be equal or rise above my father, that I didn't give the time of day to who should be my future wife. I was an Ass. I put her on the back burner only caring for myself and what I wanted. I learned that it shouldn't of been MY goals that should be worried about, but OUR goals. as in me and destinee. I couldn't see past the bigger picture and take my own path with her. It always came down to trying to make a good impression with my dad seeing that i'm actually worth somthing. My brother was always the favorite son, and my parents seperated because I was born. my mom wanted more children and my father didn't. she stopped her birth contorl and had sex with my dad once, praying for another child, and if it didn't work she was gonna go back on. Then I was born. my mom calls me still her miricle baby. but it caused such a rift in my parents relationship that it was the reason they are no longer together.
what was I supposed to say? hey im a dirty mechanic, with a girlfriend who lives in missouri, who only has a highschool diploma and works at a doctors office, and lives on a farm? I know my dad always pushed me to go to school and get a degree. I remember when I was 11 years old I told him I wanted to build cars, and he said he didn't want me to, because "cars are dirty and its a blue collar job" I guess thats why I'm kinda the black sheep. I made my own decision to go to car school, and pushed myself to be one of the best in driveability and electrical diagnostics, which everyone else shys away from but it seperates the men from the boys in an evolving technological field of automobiles. My dad supported me though it, and once he saw what I was actually doing he started to come around. Destinee always supported my choices to better myself. she didn't care about what my dad expected, she just cared that I was happy doing what I'm doing.
I decided to go back to school for myself though, for that little piece of paper that says I have a college education, its more of a security plan for something to fall back on if I ever get hurt, or for some reason can't work on cars anymore. The money isn't there like it used to be. I think I got really scared when I thought to myself of how I could possibly support my family, not just my mom, but destinee, and down the road kids. I will always love working and diagnosing cars. I love the feeling of solving a problem, and when you turn that key everything is opperating as its supposed to be. probolem solving, and cognitive thinking is what I love. I will always keep it as a hobby, but I also want to live comfertably. I came up with the saying of sometimes it takes a white collar job to support your blue collar hobbies and its true.
if it came down to it though, and I had to work on cars the rest of my life just so I could be with her, because there wern't any other jobs avaliable in the area, I would do it in a heartbeat and love every min of it. I realized even a 2 year degree puts me above most in that part of the country. I wouldn't mind being a teacher or working for a research company, or even do satelite imaging like my brother. I took the asvab test in HS and scored the highest score on record for the school, out of the 3 catigories in areas I would excell in according to what type of learner I was, I was almost equal in every catigory. when I asked them what I should do and what direction I should go in, they told me I could do anything I want, I am good at adapting. my score was triple of the minimum requirements to enter the airforce, which had the highest requirements. so when I say I have no clue what to do, I'm not lying. I have to claim a major in the next 6 months and I am pulling my hair out. Then again I would also be happy with stopping at a 2 year degree just to be with her if thats what it takes.
So back to expectations, mostly from my dads side, I tried going with the grain for once and seeing what happened. I met Bayle. She was smart, went to college, funny, successfull and attractive. She has a good job, has hobbies like singing and acting, (not saying destinee dosn't have hobbies or dreams or a good job. I KNOW she does, and its why I love her) Her parents are white collar,got along really well with my friends, even ERICA!. the whole nine yards. I can never say I didn't truly like Bayla cause I did. it was though this relationship though that I discovered that this wasn't me. the deeper I got into it, the more I realized that I should of followed my heart to begin with. everything with Bayla seemed like the next logical step, where Adrian hates the next logical step. I was missing something inside me. I was missing the passion, love and unity that can only be gained from growing together spirtually, and letting love happen. Destinee and I became part of eachothers life. it wasn't the next logical step. it was the enevitable force within that drew us closer together. I almost laugh when I see two young kids say that they are in love. it took me 6 damn years, and I'm only hitting the tip of the iceburg, but now I know without a doubt in my mind what true love is. it is I will do everything and anything for them forever and always without a single doubt in my mind. have you ever truly paid attention to a wedding ceremony, when they say through thick and thin, through better or worse? its exactly that but a million times deeper.
I figure I have nothing left to loose, because as hurt as I may be, I AM truely in love without a doubt in my mind and still have hope, and will never loose it. I am convinced destinee is my soul mate, she is one in a million, and I just don't think im lucky enough to win that lottery twice. Some call it crazy, and some think I just may be loosing my mind, I know that prob some of my friends sure think that. but I know what I need and want. and its her.
as I said I had nothing left to loose, I wrote a christmas card to Destinee's father. I tried talking to him before when I went to Missouri. This man is a true solid mans man, and does NOT like to talk about feelings or emotions. he wants nothing to do with them, and just said he has absolutly no problem with me, he likes me, but its whatever destinee wants. when destinee went to him for advice he didn't want anything to do with it again, and that was his own daughter. I think its because rusty is his friend so he rather not be involved at all which I can not blame him for. but in the back of my mind I think to myself, that its his daughter asking for help on a life changing decision, and he wanted no part. but I am not one to judge. everyone has their reasons. In the letter I told him that susan had no part in me coming to Missouri, because he and everyone else thought she put me up to it. she didn't. I swear on my life and my soul to the devil himself if that were true. I also told him that I didn't have anything against Rusty, and that he is a lucky man. I said that I would always love destinee till the end of time and I would wait forever for her, but I am going to let her live her life. the only time I talk to her is when she calls me. I also explained to him it is so hard cause she wasn't only my girl friend, but my best friend who helped change my life. I told him to take care of his log cabin because it was her dream house, and to always protect her, and give his mom, grandma mary a big hug for me. I signed my name and left my phone number.
I have no Idea what that is going to accomplish if anything. I just know that destinee is worth everything to me, and now I have the courage to go talk to and write to her father of all people, who she knew I always found intimidating.
thats all I can write for now.
what was I supposed to say? hey im a dirty mechanic, with a girlfriend who lives in missouri, who only has a highschool diploma and works at a doctors office, and lives on a farm? I know my dad always pushed me to go to school and get a degree. I remember when I was 11 years old I told him I wanted to build cars, and he said he didn't want me to, because "cars are dirty and its a blue collar job" I guess thats why I'm kinda the black sheep. I made my own decision to go to car school, and pushed myself to be one of the best in driveability and electrical diagnostics, which everyone else shys away from but it seperates the men from the boys in an evolving technological field of automobiles. My dad supported me though it, and once he saw what I was actually doing he started to come around. Destinee always supported my choices to better myself. she didn't care about what my dad expected, she just cared that I was happy doing what I'm doing.
I decided to go back to school for myself though, for that little piece of paper that says I have a college education, its more of a security plan for something to fall back on if I ever get hurt, or for some reason can't work on cars anymore. The money isn't there like it used to be. I think I got really scared when I thought to myself of how I could possibly support my family, not just my mom, but destinee, and down the road kids. I will always love working and diagnosing cars. I love the feeling of solving a problem, and when you turn that key everything is opperating as its supposed to be. probolem solving, and cognitive thinking is what I love. I will always keep it as a hobby, but I also want to live comfertably. I came up with the saying of sometimes it takes a white collar job to support your blue collar hobbies and its true.
if it came down to it though, and I had to work on cars the rest of my life just so I could be with her, because there wern't any other jobs avaliable in the area, I would do it in a heartbeat and love every min of it. I realized even a 2 year degree puts me above most in that part of the country. I wouldn't mind being a teacher or working for a research company, or even do satelite imaging like my brother. I took the asvab test in HS and scored the highest score on record for the school, out of the 3 catigories in areas I would excell in according to what type of learner I was, I was almost equal in every catigory. when I asked them what I should do and what direction I should go in, they told me I could do anything I want, I am good at adapting. my score was triple of the minimum requirements to enter the airforce, which had the highest requirements. so when I say I have no clue what to do, I'm not lying. I have to claim a major in the next 6 months and I am pulling my hair out. Then again I would also be happy with stopping at a 2 year degree just to be with her if thats what it takes.
So back to expectations, mostly from my dads side, I tried going with the grain for once and seeing what happened. I met Bayle. She was smart, went to college, funny, successfull and attractive. She has a good job, has hobbies like singing and acting, (not saying destinee dosn't have hobbies or dreams or a good job. I KNOW she does, and its why I love her) Her parents are white collar,got along really well with my friends, even ERICA!. the whole nine yards. I can never say I didn't truly like Bayla cause I did. it was though this relationship though that I discovered that this wasn't me. the deeper I got into it, the more I realized that I should of followed my heart to begin with. everything with Bayla seemed like the next logical step, where Adrian hates the next logical step. I was missing something inside me. I was missing the passion, love and unity that can only be gained from growing together spirtually, and letting love happen. Destinee and I became part of eachothers life. it wasn't the next logical step. it was the enevitable force within that drew us closer together. I almost laugh when I see two young kids say that they are in love. it took me 6 damn years, and I'm only hitting the tip of the iceburg, but now I know without a doubt in my mind what true love is. it is I will do everything and anything for them forever and always without a single doubt in my mind. have you ever truly paid attention to a wedding ceremony, when they say through thick and thin, through better or worse? its exactly that but a million times deeper.
I figure I have nothing left to loose, because as hurt as I may be, I AM truely in love without a doubt in my mind and still have hope, and will never loose it. I am convinced destinee is my soul mate, she is one in a million, and I just don't think im lucky enough to win that lottery twice. Some call it crazy, and some think I just may be loosing my mind, I know that prob some of my friends sure think that. but I know what I need and want. and its her.
as I said I had nothing left to loose, I wrote a christmas card to Destinee's father. I tried talking to him before when I went to Missouri. This man is a true solid mans man, and does NOT like to talk about feelings or emotions. he wants nothing to do with them, and just said he has absolutly no problem with me, he likes me, but its whatever destinee wants. when destinee went to him for advice he didn't want anything to do with it again, and that was his own daughter. I think its because rusty is his friend so he rather not be involved at all which I can not blame him for. but in the back of my mind I think to myself, that its his daughter asking for help on a life changing decision, and he wanted no part. but I am not one to judge. everyone has their reasons. In the letter I told him that susan had no part in me coming to Missouri, because he and everyone else thought she put me up to it. she didn't. I swear on my life and my soul to the devil himself if that were true. I also told him that I didn't have anything against Rusty, and that he is a lucky man. I said that I would always love destinee till the end of time and I would wait forever for her, but I am going to let her live her life. the only time I talk to her is when she calls me. I also explained to him it is so hard cause she wasn't only my girl friend, but my best friend who helped change my life. I told him to take care of his log cabin because it was her dream house, and to always protect her, and give his mom, grandma mary a big hug for me. I signed my name and left my phone number.
I have no Idea what that is going to accomplish if anything. I just know that destinee is worth everything to me, and now I have the courage to go talk to and write to her father of all people, who she knew I always found intimidating.
thats all I can write for now.