(no subject)
I haven't really typed in a couple of days. I guess there's a lot going on starting with my trip to my new doctor on tuesday. I was refered to the sleep disorder clinic at St.Clairs. I wanted to go. I put all hope i his hands to make me feel better. And I know i shouldn't have. I kept saying this to myself...don't keep thinking that'll he's going tp help you, if he can't you'll be crushed. I kept telling myself to stop relieing on this. But i couldn't help it. I relied everything on him making me feel better. I was happy to go, thinking yea he'll finially help my sleeping...they're make the sleep over appointment to see why my mind and body doesn't rest...I'll finally know why I feel like I'm dieing. The appointment was more than a dissapointment..that would be an understatement. It felt life shattering. You should have been there and heard the things he was saying. I went to him for help, but he was the most narrow minded, stuborne, mean doctor I've ever met. He wouldn't listen to what I had to say, what was going on, how I felt. Nothing. He didn't listen to anything, try to help me at all. He kept saying the same things over and over again to me. Just rambling on. Making me feel like shit. Overall he blambed all everything on me. That I did this to myself. That I made myself feel this bad. "Every teenager has bad sleeping habits and sleeping problems." He wouldn't even begin to understand anything. He said I created this all. He wasn't even making sense. HE was just, I mean, the worst doctor I've ever seen. My mom's been thru doctors for so many years with problems, and she said he's one of the worst she has seen. He shouldn't even be called a doctor. I left knowing less then I knew. At the end of it all I don't know why I even went. I was crying, and not just tears running down my face, but crying badly. I couldn't stop. I couldn't talk. I couldn't say anything back to him. I couldn't get a word in to defend myself. He was brutal. I said before I shouldn't have relied on him, because I kept teling myelf i that if this didn't work i had no where else to go. I wondered what would happen if it didn't work out, but couldn't think about it. Because there would be no where else to go, nothing else to do. I don't know what's next. I guess there's nothing really next. I said this is going to be it, becuase if this doesn't help I don't know how I'm going to get thru this. If no ones going to listen and help me i don't know where to go. I can't live like this. Especially not another year. If I don't feel better by the next school year I'll break. I'll crumble. I'm alost there now. Maybe I'm already in the process of falling apart. I don't know how to feel about this anymore. I felt that he was my only, last hope. When He was saying all those things my whole world shattered around me. Litterally fell before my eyes. Relizing I can't accomplish anything feeling like this, losing everything, getting nowhere, and having noway t get out of this black hole that I'm in. Where do I go from here?...I have so much potentail, It's hard to let it slip by and waste it. But I can't do it. Not like most people can. I am faling apart. My whole future, if it's going to be like this, is going to be horrible. All my great dreams I had that I lost little of little everyday fell apart before my eyes that day. Now nothing will be good enough to those dreams I will lose. I think that's what upset me more abut that doctor, not that he was mean, not that he blamed everything on me (yea like I made myself feel this way...like I could help it..Like I want to feel as if I'm dieing and losing everything), but that I only had little hope left for my dreams and accomplishments, and at that point I lost the rest of my hope. At that point sitting in front of him listening to all those things he had to say, I lost everything I held on to. I don't have any drive to do anything anymore. I offically don't care don't care if, i don't know, a car hits me, a plane crshes on top of me, or that any accident may happen to me, that once fightened me to think of it happening. Thing's are just screwed up, and I don't know where to turn. Now I'm so down o myself, I have no motivation. I never thought I would get this bad. My pills are my 'crutch' as he said. Yea I'm a disabled person. What a bad day that turned out to be, what an asshole he was. I thought he could have helped, in the end he did the opposite. How's that for irony.