(no subject)
So i'm going to try this one again. I tryed to update before but my computer got wicked screwed up, and i had to shut it down for a while. That gave me time to realize lieing in bed that sleeping wasn't going to come easy tonight. There's a lot of things on my mind lately. I don't even understand them. But I guess it won't matter if I don't go to bed. There's a half day tomorrow and it doesn't really matter if i dont go to school. not reallly. The new pills should start working soon...? I get to up them every week until I go back to the doctors next month. Then he'll see that its not doing what he thought they would do and i'll have to go on an epilespy pill plus a higher dosage of this one now. He tricked me. Trickery. I told myself I was never going to go back on a preventitive after I got off of them. Not after what your like while being on them. I said I'll never go back. But he tricked me. He was like this pill is for epilepsy, it'll act as a preventative for you. I was like damn you got me. basterd. oh course i didn't say that to him, but i wish i did. I think I went off on a tanget again. surprise surprise. So what's been happening lately, pretty much everything bad. Which is why I think, I can't sleep. Too much on my mind. Fucking everythings worse. Somethings are worse then they have ever been. Other then my headaches being bad, which they always are and I still can't deal with half the time. What's so fucking wrong with me that I can't take pain. Big ass winer. That's exactly it. And then teachers look at me like I skip school for no reason. It's not like i want to be home. ya asses. saying things to me about not being there enought. Fail my fucking ass then, I'll beat it in the end. They don't understand, they don't care. It doesn't matter that I don't want to be home, but that I need to be home. When I can't get out of bed, when I can't walk straight, when I can't opened my eyes bc it hurts to breath. And I still come to school with more pain then anyone does, and would want to. Everyday I make it thru is an accomplishment. But these last few weeks i can only count about half of the days, i was there. DO people really think I stay home and what have fun. seriously. Everyone brushes it off like ohh yea i had a headache the other day, maybe you should get thru it. Fuck you. Try one for over two fucking years. and try with everthing else it brought. Try having your own living hell in you. I wish I could take a hammer everyday, from when they wake up to when they go to sleep, to the people's heads who say shit that piss me off. But you really dont take the time to care. fuck off. bitches. people sometimes, i just hate people. My depression has gotten a lot worse too. really fast too. I always had depression, it was really bad oh a year and a half ago, and i prayed for it not to get that bad again. But it bad again. real bad. Somewhere along the line something took a wrong turn. Besides that my axiety is worse. Which fuels depression, or does the depression fuel axiety? It a bad cycle. EVerything's a bad cycle. Everything that's wrong and has gotten worse makes one big bad fucking cycle. I've never met anyone ass unconfident, selfconcouis, and full of self doubt as myself. I don't know how many people know this, but I always thought people never liked me. Even my friends. I always thought my friends only takl to me bc they feel bad for me or something. Whatever they think. That's to the point now where I don't want to go out, or do anything at that matter. I'm uncomfortable around pretty much everyone. I think everyone hates me, and wonder if people just talk to me bc they feel bad for me. I don't want to do anything be lay in the dark. maybe some music, maybe watch tv. I don't want to see anyone and I don't want anyone to see me. I don't want to see the light, but thats kinda hard to get around bc school is bright. That's sucking. So the more i don't wanna go out, the more i make excuses, the more i push everyone near me away. I'm pushing everyone away...This is a bad cycle. The more i dont go out and want to be alone the more i think people hate me then the more i push away and want to be alone and so on and so forth. I see everyone else always doing something, and having some place to go, and i dont al the time. I'm a loser. I'm a loser that made myself a loser. Hell I wouldn't want to hang out with myself if i had to. This fucking sucks. I'm getting lonier by the day. And in some way I don't care. I really don't fucking care about anything at this point. What is the point. I feel I'm hurting people near me tho. Christinas been there thru everything. When I was out of school for weeks, she would bring my homework so I would stay up to speed. When I didn't see people for weeks bc i couldn't go to school she would sit with me at night so i wouldn't feel lonely. When I had to lay in my bed for 3 weeks bc of my spinal tap, she stayed with my in my bed on those lonely nights and played nintendo with me. Shes been there thru everything. I hate myself for feeling uncomfortable around her. I don't feel good enough for anyone anymore. Which may be the depression which fuels the lonilness and stayed home and every fucking thing else. Theres no more. SO much that I can't understand. Stuff that I can't help. shy ungrateful bitch. thats me. I never was shy. I never would have a loss for words. I always was outgoing. I'm not the same person I used to be. It's so fucking frustrating. I never thought two years ago I would turn into the person I am today. And I don't think in a year it'll be any different. Things desperatly need to change. But I can't help it. I can't stop it. I can't go self stop being a fucking bitch. I don't feel at all bad for myself. Thats not why i dont wanna see people. But I'm not good enough for anyone, anyone of them. People don't want to see mw anyways. How many people go aww kelsey's not here today and really care. I wonder if people even notice. I wonder if they care. They don't. Why would they. Why should they. I'm trying to be more opened. I heard keeping everything to you is bad for your mind. SO I guess keeping everything in you for your whole life could turn you a bit insane huh. Especially these last couple years. Maybe thats why I'm so messed up, and I'm like the way I am now. Maybe that's why my emotions are screwed up to. That I don't know what to feel when and how. And that seems pretty fucked up, and inunderstandable, but when you fake things for so long and not let your real emotions show, it's hard to know when your emotions are suppose to be what. I guess this isall coming out, because it's driving me insane. I think I need a change. I think I can't keep everyting inside me. I think I need to show emotions and put on a face how I really am. So I don't know what's next. I don't know what there is to come. What can I expect? People say things get worse befor they get better. Yea my fucking spained wrist did that. Not my life. It seems like evrytime it gets worse it gets better then it gets even wosre, and then even worse. I thought I hit the bottom a year and a half ago. And i thought it would start getting better. And for a litle bit it was. But I see now that that was not the bottom. That I'm no where close. That I'm going to keep falling. I wish I could get off of this roller coaster, and level out. THings are just so fucking screwed up. SO fucking frustrating. I wish I could just go back. Go back to points in time were better and easier and less frustrating. That maybe if you did something different, then it'll be better now. But i guess you shouldnt stay clung to the past, when the future has much more fucking things for you to indere. Not that I spelled that fucking work right anyway. Just something else I'm bad at. Why do these things bother me so much. But really all i am is an ungrateful little wining bitch. So tomorrow I'll prolly wake up wishing I hadn't posted it, but wonder why I don't want to take it out. In a way maybe it's good for people to know a little bit how i'm feeling. But how does anyone esle get it and atctually care, when I don't even understand a lot of it. I don't even care that by each day I'm getting more and more fucking screwed up, and prolly doing it to myself without even knowing. Little joys in life can't hide the bad things anymore. Nothing can keep these away. Oww can't forget about another great big problem. My sleeping problems. Oh yes. I've never met another person with my exact problem. Actually the doctors tell me about all my cases are un ordinary, and just that much different then what it normally is. It's kinda like i have insomnia, but it's different. When I sleep, I don't rest. I could sleep for days and still wake up tired. Besides the fact of falling and staying to sleep is hard enought. But when I sleep, i really dont. HOW FUCKING SCREWED UP IS THAT. Becase I 100% can't help myself get past thing. I can't be like hello mind, body, why dont yo try resting yourselves this night. I wake up everyday extremely tired, exhusted. I never met someone more tired then me on a day to day basis. I can get almost 5-6 hours a night sometimes and i still wake up with huge bags under my eyes and dragging, falling asleep. This is prolly one of the most anoying, frustrating and horrible things i have to go thru. THEE WORST. nothing can get worse then this. Feeling the way i have to feel and knowing i can't do anything about it, sucks. At least I don't pass out and watch the clock anymore. Yea At least i think my eyes stay closed. I dont start trying to put up my hair. At least right now I don't wonder if i feel to sleep or not. Thats in the spring when this horrible problem becomes worse. can't wait. It's so fucking stupid that my mind and body doesn't know and doesnt ever shut down. My doctors say its bc of the fact i'm always in pain, axiety and bc my mind is always racing. So its screwed up that even when I sleep i still dont. I know what it feels like to be mad when your laying there and you cant fall asleep, i know what insomnia is. But how bout this. especially in spring. how about neer being able to fall alseep and when you finally pass out, you dont even sleep. You watch the clock, because for some strange reason clocks fasinate my never sleeping mind. It's weird to wake up and not know if you were sleeping or not. Actually It's prolly one of the most confusing things in the world. Maybe thats why i'm so confused, it's my sleeping which makes me confused, all the time. Why is my mind so fucking messed up. Why do i have to be like this, all screwed up and no where to turn. This is too much. And getting worse all at one time. Its the cycle. That black whole cycle that I'm sucked into. Oh fucking god damn it all.