I guess it's that time
I guess I've been rather quiet the last week or off the radar or something. I can't say there's a reason for it. Nothing's wrong, nothing is nessicarily right either, but just is. That's where I'm at right now -- in an unformed, white blob of...*shurgs*
It's not contentment (though in my deeper stages of denial I have passed this place off as that), but it doesn't feel like apathy or numbness either. It's just a place where any event could tip me in either direction. It's better than being at one particular end, but not nessicarily the other. Oddly enough, I find myself the most motivated in this stage, like I've hit the "runners high" of the rope I've been climbing, but still can't quite see the end at which there very well may just be another wall for me to crash into that sets me tumbling back down.
But I actually have been trying to get back on track eating wise the past few days and I've actually gotten a lot written over the past two weekends. I even got up the courage to tell my mom that I've been feeling very anxious and part of it is me worrying about her -- a lot for me who comes from a clan of people (mostly dad's family) that runs at the first sign of any emotional out pouring. AND my insurance started covering for my couseling so now I only have to pay 18 dollars as opposed to 60, which means I can afford to go more than once a month (even though she is endorsing me to try something like chemistry.com to try to meet someone -- I'm not exactly opposed to this, but it feels like a last resort that makes me feel like a social failure...of course knowing me I'll find away to fuck it up this way too, but that's an entirely different post).
Oh well...that's my update. I hope everyone is well here. Seems a lot of people on my f-list have been a bit quiet. Hugs to all of you for putting up with me and letting me ramble. It's one of the most thearputic things I've found.
It's not contentment (though in my deeper stages of denial I have passed this place off as that), but it doesn't feel like apathy or numbness either. It's just a place where any event could tip me in either direction. It's better than being at one particular end, but not nessicarily the other. Oddly enough, I find myself the most motivated in this stage, like I've hit the "runners high" of the rope I've been climbing, but still can't quite see the end at which there very well may just be another wall for me to crash into that sets me tumbling back down.
But I actually have been trying to get back on track eating wise the past few days and I've actually gotten a lot written over the past two weekends. I even got up the courage to tell my mom that I've been feeling very anxious and part of it is me worrying about her -- a lot for me who comes from a clan of people (mostly dad's family) that runs at the first sign of any emotional out pouring. AND my insurance started covering for my couseling so now I only have to pay 18 dollars as opposed to 60, which means I can afford to go more than once a month (even though she is endorsing me to try something like chemistry.com to try to meet someone -- I'm not exactly opposed to this, but it feels like a last resort that makes me feel like a social failure...of course knowing me I'll find away to fuck it up this way too, but that's an entirely different post).
Oh well...that's my update. I hope everyone is well here. Seems a lot of people on my f-list have been a bit quiet. Hugs to all of you for putting up with me and letting me ramble. It's one of the most thearputic things I've found.