feeling emotional
ok, so i am feeling very emotional right now- thinking about my mom. I really miss "her". I was simply sitting at my computer, a song came on and I happened to glance at some photos of my parents sitiing on my bookshelf. The photos are old- they have to be from the late 70's. It is a black and white photo- the kind that really invites you to look closely. The photo is of my parents kissing. My dad loves photography. The shot was obviously posed, but definately not fake. I love that kind of picture. But looking at it makes me sad. I remember when my parents were still in love and not simply co-existing.
Knowing my mother, she definately didn't enter their marriage blindly or on a whim. She is (or was at least) the most logical and no-frills level-headed person I know. If she hadn't felt that she wouldn't be 100000000% happy being married to my father, she never would have done it. My mother has arthritis, debilitating arthritis. She has been in a wheelchair for as long as I can remember. She has turned very "coarse to the world".
I have 2 distinct memories of my mother and her pain progression. The first one occurred when I was in kindergarden. We had a big fire in our basement. In school we had just learned the concept of crawling to avoid heat and smoke if your house is on fire. Once she got me to realize that we had to get out of the house, I immediately started crawling. I said to her- "mommy crawl- I don't want you to breath in the smoke!" She didn't crawl and I thought she was going to die of smoke inhalation even though it was a 10 second trip out of the house. Only later did I realize that she wanted to crawl too but her joints wouldn't let her get down lower to the ground.
The second distinct memory I have was a few years later (I was big enough to ride in the front seat if that tells you anything). My mom was still driving a car. She is a get up and go kind of person. We pulled into the garage. Normally, she would leap out of the car and whisk me into the house like a good mother. This time, we pulled into the garage. There was an obscure, unnattractive song (for my mom anyways) on the radio. I was getting ready to reach for the car door handle. Out of the blue she told me to wait a minute until the song was over. Even at the time I found the request to be a very odd one. Very out of the ordinary. Eventually, the song ended and she slowly exited the car. Not too long after that occurrance, I realized that she was experiencing intense pain and simply couldn't bare to move. Not more than a few months after that, she had to walk with crutches. I was still in grade school. Not more than 2 years passed before she was in a wheelchair. She has not walked in 14 years. She has grown to be a bitter old crow. I miss my mom. I miss her livelyhood.
-Mom, I love you
Knowing my mother, she definately didn't enter their marriage blindly or on a whim. She is (or was at least) the most logical and no-frills level-headed person I know. If she hadn't felt that she wouldn't be 100000000% happy being married to my father, she never would have done it. My mother has arthritis, debilitating arthritis. She has been in a wheelchair for as long as I can remember. She has turned very "coarse to the world".
I have 2 distinct memories of my mother and her pain progression. The first one occurred when I was in kindergarden. We had a big fire in our basement. In school we had just learned the concept of crawling to avoid heat and smoke if your house is on fire. Once she got me to realize that we had to get out of the house, I immediately started crawling. I said to her- "mommy crawl- I don't want you to breath in the smoke!" She didn't crawl and I thought she was going to die of smoke inhalation even though it was a 10 second trip out of the house. Only later did I realize that she wanted to crawl too but her joints wouldn't let her get down lower to the ground.
The second distinct memory I have was a few years later (I was big enough to ride in the front seat if that tells you anything). My mom was still driving a car. She is a get up and go kind of person. We pulled into the garage. Normally, she would leap out of the car and whisk me into the house like a good mother. This time, we pulled into the garage. There was an obscure, unnattractive song (for my mom anyways) on the radio. I was getting ready to reach for the car door handle. Out of the blue she told me to wait a minute until the song was over. Even at the time I found the request to be a very odd one. Very out of the ordinary. Eventually, the song ended and she slowly exited the car. Not too long after that occurrance, I realized that she was experiencing intense pain and simply couldn't bare to move. Not more than a few months after that, she had to walk with crutches. I was still in grade school. Not more than 2 years passed before she was in a wheelchair. She has not walked in 14 years. She has grown to be a bitter old crow. I miss my mom. I miss her livelyhood.
-Mom, I love you