it’s time to go…you’ve been around for so long…now, don’t be a fool, just let it go..
Um, happy holidays everyone. Make the most of it, for this year’s almost over. Personally, I’m more excited for the New Year. This year has really just been…a drag, amazement, toward me, and I just…want it to end. I’m kind of sick of this year, I’m sick of all the drama. Not even a lot of it was needed, and I admit, I probably did start up half of everything that was caused. But, honestly…I can’t say that I’m sorry for one bit of it.
I mean, with this whole Miriam and Jake situation…can you honestly blame me for being a bit jealous, a bit upset about it? Jake was my most recent boyfriend…I’ve had feelings for him for a really long time, and for him to just cheat on me and go quickly right into another relationship, basically acting like nothing happened between us…I don’t know. It hurt, that was the only thing it did. Can’t say I grew stronger from it. If anything, I’ve grown weaker from all of this. I’ve realized that I’m not able to handle certain situations, as much as I liked to, and as much as I need to. I haven’t been able to handle this, at all, I can tell you that.
I can’t sit here and lie about my feelings. Miriam…she’s a great girl, and Jake? He was…amazing to me. He’s been amazing, to, in general, everyone. No matter how strong his friendship was with anyone, if they needed help, he’d give them what they needed. It was that simple. And…well…from what I can see, and from what I hear, they care deeply about each other, you can just see it.
I don’t think I was jealous about those specific people being together, because, well…they’re basically compatible...it was more, of what they had, of what they have. The reason Miriam talked about Jake a lot, in my perspective at least, was because she couldn’t get over him. If I had someone that…I don’t know…that I had a great chemistry with and I realized it, I’d probably be rambling on and on about them, I admit that. I just, I want that someone…I’m so tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of being let down, to everyone that I open up to. I’m tired of not feeling good enough. I’m just, I’m tired of…being me, in general.
I’m sick of pity…I’m sick of hearing all those, “I’m sorry, I never meant to hurt you”’s. For once, I want to hear the truth. Do you honestly feel bad, did you honestly not mean to hurt me this bad? It doesn’t make sense to me. How can some people just go on and fucking hurt people, yet say that it was never planned? Things happen for a reason, they don’t just pop out of nowhere. People don’t just suddenly have feelings for someone, it takes time.
And you know what also takes time? Getting over things. Don’t expect me to get over situations that are completely a big deal to me, in just a matter of days. I admit, I am an emotional person at times, and I am sensitive, but that’s no excuse. I’m still a human being, I have feelings, whether you see them or not, whether or not I show them on the outside. I just feel like such a fool…I probably get myself in these situations half the time. If I hadn’t done so and so, they wouldn’t have been able to do this and that, they wouldn’t have had the chance.
I’m kind of the person that well…blames everything that happens on themselves. I mean, with Alex and all…if I wasn’t being dumb and getting drunk and high, and doing drugs and all that, she would have never had to be taken away. If I hadn’t asked Jake what was going on between us down at the Caribbeans, I could have escaped a lot of this pain, more than half of what I’m going through right now. If I hadn’t said, “Yes,” when Ryan asked me out, I wouldn’t feel what I’m feeling right now…and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. What I feel for Ryan…it’s a lot…we definitely have a history, it’s just…we flirted with each other a lot recently; we just never acted on anything. We never tried to make anything official, really. We talked about it, but we never did have anything to say, not much, anyway.
So with Ryan? He’s always just…there, y’know? He’s someone that I can talk to, and half the time, trust, but…I don’t believe anything that comes out of his mouth, at least from what he says about me. To call me “perfect” or, “amazing”, it’s just…unbelievable, I don’t know. I honestly do might want to be with him…but…how can I be with someone that I basically don’t trust? With Ryan, it’s like…anything happens, anything’s bound to happen.
To me, that’s not always good. I believe that life is indeed very short, and you have to live it while it’s still here, but…the most random things happen. In our last relationship, when I found out he cheated on me (and didn’t tell me, mind you), he said that he…”loves me”. I can’t even say how badly of timing that was…it wasn’t something I was expecting. But then again, life’s unpredictable, you never know what’s going to happen. It was a complete shock, I can’t even describe it…I remember that I didn’t even know what to say, I still don’t. I just couldn’t believe it…and I can sit here and still say, that I don’t think he did…
Lately, I’ve just felt like I’ve lost a lot of friends…from Miriam, to Jamie, to Jake, to Ryan himself…the only person that I’ve really hung out with is Andrea, and my sister. Andrea’s always really been supportive of me; she’s always been there when I needed someone, from the beginning. We don’t have a lot in common, besides the whole music thing, but…we get along incredibly. We’ve only had like, one little argument…and that was ages ago, literally. She’s able to understand what I’m saying, or at least try to, she doesn’t give up on me; I couldn’t say the same about a lot of people. We’ve grown on each other; we’ve had those moments that we’re never going to forget. For that, I can say that about other people, but…with Andrea, it’s different. I can have both my immature and mature moments with her, and not feel stupid and just feel…comfortable afterwards.
I don’t know…I just think it’s my time to go, maybe I don’t belong in TO. I mean, more than half the cast is here, and I do care deeply about all of you, but…I just don’t feel comfortable here, I don’t feel like I’m me anymore. I don’t want to feel like I have to be the ‘party girl’ or the ‘wild one’ to fit in, that’s not who I am half the time. Honestly, the only people keeping me here are my sister, and Andrea…If I did leave TO, I’d have to take my sister with me…I don’t know, that would basically be kidnapping…I don’t know, maybe I could go to my aunts and live there? I could just tell my parents Alex and I want to go on a vacation…for a really, really, long time…that sort of works out, right? Ugh, I hope…I’m sorry, but I cannot stand half the people here…I can’t stand TO anymore. I know that if I do leave, I’ll probably regret it, and I will miss everyone, but…I think it’s just time.
It’s something that needs to be done.
I mean, with this whole Miriam and Jake situation…can you honestly blame me for being a bit jealous, a bit upset about it? Jake was my most recent boyfriend…I’ve had feelings for him for a really long time, and for him to just cheat on me and go quickly right into another relationship, basically acting like nothing happened between us…I don’t know. It hurt, that was the only thing it did. Can’t say I grew stronger from it. If anything, I’ve grown weaker from all of this. I’ve realized that I’m not able to handle certain situations, as much as I liked to, and as much as I need to. I haven’t been able to handle this, at all, I can tell you that.
I can’t sit here and lie about my feelings. Miriam…she’s a great girl, and Jake? He was…amazing to me. He’s been amazing, to, in general, everyone. No matter how strong his friendship was with anyone, if they needed help, he’d give them what they needed. It was that simple. And…well…from what I can see, and from what I hear, they care deeply about each other, you can just see it.
I don’t think I was jealous about those specific people being together, because, well…they’re basically compatible...it was more, of what they had, of what they have. The reason Miriam talked about Jake a lot, in my perspective at least, was because she couldn’t get over him. If I had someone that…I don’t know…that I had a great chemistry with and I realized it, I’d probably be rambling on and on about them, I admit that. I just, I want that someone…I’m so tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of being let down, to everyone that I open up to. I’m tired of not feeling good enough. I’m just, I’m tired of…being me, in general.
I’m sick of pity…I’m sick of hearing all those, “I’m sorry, I never meant to hurt you”’s. For once, I want to hear the truth. Do you honestly feel bad, did you honestly not mean to hurt me this bad? It doesn’t make sense to me. How can some people just go on and fucking hurt people, yet say that it was never planned? Things happen for a reason, they don’t just pop out of nowhere. People don’t just suddenly have feelings for someone, it takes time.
And you know what also takes time? Getting over things. Don’t expect me to get over situations that are completely a big deal to me, in just a matter of days. I admit, I am an emotional person at times, and I am sensitive, but that’s no excuse. I’m still a human being, I have feelings, whether you see them or not, whether or not I show them on the outside. I just feel like such a fool…I probably get myself in these situations half the time. If I hadn’t done so and so, they wouldn’t have been able to do this and that, they wouldn’t have had the chance.
I’m kind of the person that well…blames everything that happens on themselves. I mean, with Alex and all…if I wasn’t being dumb and getting drunk and high, and doing drugs and all that, she would have never had to be taken away. If I hadn’t asked Jake what was going on between us down at the Caribbeans, I could have escaped a lot of this pain, more than half of what I’m going through right now. If I hadn’t said, “Yes,” when Ryan asked me out, I wouldn’t feel what I’m feeling right now…and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. What I feel for Ryan…it’s a lot…we definitely have a history, it’s just…we flirted with each other a lot recently; we just never acted on anything. We never tried to make anything official, really. We talked about it, but we never did have anything to say, not much, anyway.
So with Ryan? He’s always just…there, y’know? He’s someone that I can talk to, and half the time, trust, but…I don’t believe anything that comes out of his mouth, at least from what he says about me. To call me “perfect” or, “amazing”, it’s just…unbelievable, I don’t know. I honestly do might want to be with him…but…how can I be with someone that I basically don’t trust? With Ryan, it’s like…anything happens, anything’s bound to happen.
To me, that’s not always good. I believe that life is indeed very short, and you have to live it while it’s still here, but…the most random things happen. In our last relationship, when I found out he cheated on me (and didn’t tell me, mind you), he said that he…”loves me”. I can’t even say how badly of timing that was…it wasn’t something I was expecting. But then again, life’s unpredictable, you never know what’s going to happen. It was a complete shock, I can’t even describe it…I remember that I didn’t even know what to say, I still don’t. I just couldn’t believe it…and I can sit here and still say, that I don’t think he did…
Lately, I’ve just felt like I’ve lost a lot of friends…from Miriam, to Jamie, to Jake, to Ryan himself…the only person that I’ve really hung out with is Andrea, and my sister. Andrea’s always really been supportive of me; she’s always been there when I needed someone, from the beginning. We don’t have a lot in common, besides the whole music thing, but…we get along incredibly. We’ve only had like, one little argument…and that was ages ago, literally. She’s able to understand what I’m saying, or at least try to, she doesn’t give up on me; I couldn’t say the same about a lot of people. We’ve grown on each other; we’ve had those moments that we’re never going to forget. For that, I can say that about other people, but…with Andrea, it’s different. I can have both my immature and mature moments with her, and not feel stupid and just feel…comfortable afterwards.
I don’t know…I just think it’s my time to go, maybe I don’t belong in TO. I mean, more than half the cast is here, and I do care deeply about all of you, but…I just don’t feel comfortable here, I don’t feel like I’m me anymore. I don’t want to feel like I have to be the ‘party girl’ or the ‘wild one’ to fit in, that’s not who I am half the time. Honestly, the only people keeping me here are my sister, and Andrea…If I did leave TO, I’d have to take my sister with me…I don’t know, that would basically be kidnapping…I don’t know, maybe I could go to my aunts and live there? I could just tell my parents Alex and I want to go on a vacation…for a really, really, long time…that sort of works out, right? Ugh, I hope…I’m sorry, but I cannot stand half the people here…I can’t stand TO anymore. I know that if I do leave, I’ll probably regret it, and I will miss everyone, but…I think it’s just time.
It’s something that needs to be done.