[TC8] The Circle
Title: The Circle - Chapter 8
Word Count: 3576
Rating: PG
Pairing: Junhyung/Hyunseung
Summary: Everything looks as normal as it can be - Junhyung works, makes money, is satisfied with his life and with the reality he doesn't even want to think about, but the appearance of a certain stranger turns everything around. Things get complicated, he finds out nothing is as it seems and Junhyung's curiosity just jumps in joy.
A/N: This was supposed to be all happy and Christmasy but...This is what happened. It may seem a bit scattered but I had to get it posted as soon it's Spring and what-not (let's not mention that there are still countable months left) Anyway, here it is (And next chapter is ready too..just going to take more time with it. You know...to get familiar and all friendly.
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What was it when Hyunseung’s eyes fell to the ground before meeting his. What was the reason for that small awkward smile as he walked back towards him, two dark orbs shining in the midst of the darkness. Junhyung could say nothing, he was afraid, afraid of saying something wrong and afraid of doing something wrong.
He had never been good at this.
“I’m not expecting a hug or anything,” Hyunseung’s voice sounded strained, “So just wipe that pity off your face.” Junhyung cringed at the words, wanting to assure him everything would be alright, everything would be just fine.
But he knew how fake would that sound to someone who has been waiting for it for who knows how long.
Hyunseung didn’t seem to care right now. He didn’t seem to care about anything as he gave Junhyung a small push, a nudge. And when usually Hyunseung would say something to relieve even the smallest awkwardness, then now it perfectly clear.
Junhyung thought he really needed to sleep.
“Sorry for dragging you along,” he said as Junhyung had caught up with him, noting again how all his words were muffled by the scarf, “Just as you’re sick and all.”
“Don’t be like that,” he said after a thought, his hand coming in touch with Hyunseung’s shoulder, lingering there for a second - even when it was awkward. “It’s good you did it, now you can spend another year in peace.”
Hyunseung put his hands to his pockets, eyes on the ground as he kicked a bigger pebble lying around before looking up and pulling back the hat that had been falling to his eyes. “Let’s go get some coffee.”
Junhyung was hesitant on letting him go that day. He thought if he should’ve stopped him, if he should’ve invited him over.
But he could only curse as all words got stuck in his throat and could only curse when Hyunseung’s back disappeared behind a corner.
Junhyung could do nothing but take a deep breath, cast a last look to the street before he stepped inside.
He was gone again. For the whole week, on the 20th when they were supposed to have the last meeting, on the 21st when Junhyung had hoped he’d drop by, on the 22nd which was the last chance before he gave up.
He had invited him, right? Hyunseung still understood, knew it had been an invitation, right?
23rd passed without a notice but was still meaningful as it started snowing. The promised snowless winter was now gone as it kept falling and falling, covering the ground with a thick blanket and Junhyung often found himself glancing outside, only to see, only to remind himself of this fact.
It was pretty, the decorations, at night when everything else was pitch black. It was nice when he came from the shop, his hands full of bags and he could feel warmth wrapping him in, he smelled the tangerines he had put in a bowl and smelled the gingerbread his female co-workers had forcefully given him.
He had never thought he was a person who’d enjoy Christmas but for some reason this year was different.
He was anticipating.
But for what?
The appearance of Hyunseung? Maybe.
Or was it company? Someone to just sit with, talk about things, enjoy a nice Christmas Eve with and not hope for it to pass. Maybe he just wanted to enjoy the mood that was going around, maybe his co-workers had infected him with something weird.
Junhyung liked being alone but right now he thought he wouldn’t mind company.
He thought that maybe he should even take on a hasty decision of flying abroad, to visit his own parents. To buy presents and see their eyes when he would turn up on their doorstep.
A silly dream, he thought.
They wouldn’t even be happy.
Junhyung tossed his coat to the couch, hating himself for remembering. Hating himself for hoping.
There was still tomorrow.
Junhyung was surprised, really surprised. He couldn’t even hide his astonishment when he had just gotten up from bed, only had managed to pull on some random pants while making his way towards the door and opened it to see doe eyes looking back.
He was really surprised, a little bit happy, excited enough so he couldn’t even utter a word as he kept looking at him, ensuring he was really there and it wasn’t an illusion.
Hyunseung didn’t rush him.
“Oh, hey, come in,” he managed out, slightly stuttering as he stepped aside. The other didn’t hesitate.
“I thought you didn’t really celebrate Christmas,” Hyunseung said, taking off his shoes as he eyed around.
He still couldn’t believe it.
It’s not that he found it so hard to accept nor that he had deemed it impossible. It wasn’t because he really, really hadn’t expected him because for some reason hope still lingered. He didn’t acknowledge it because it was silly, almost like a child’s but he couldn’t deny it either when he finally stood before him, a box in his hands.
Ridiculously pink if he might add.
“I’ll be right back though, just going to change to something more decent,” he said, Hyunseung on his tail, maybe a little too close as it made him stumble into Junhyung’s back when the latter stopped and Junhyung had to take a step forward not to fall.
“Anyway,” he started when the other had recovered, his eyes again wandering around until he spoke again, “Make yourself comfortable or something.”
By the time he managed to turn his back Hyunseung was already at the tangerines.
Was he happy now?
Was this what he had wanted?
He doesn’t know why he keeps at it when the warning was clear, he doesn’t even know why he’s taking the risk. The possible mess he’s getting himself into, the problems that are bound to arise - it may take him down, make him lose what he has worked for.
Earlier he would’ve said it was stupid, silly, unbelievable. Earlier when he didn’t know him, when he knew nothing but his own studio.
It was only a hunch but this hunch felt too real, too true.
And the worse of all - Junhyung isn’t sure if he cares.
He saw a glint in Hyunseung’s eyes, a mischievous one accompanied with a sly smile and it was a reflex, but maybe more of an unknown habit than seriousness, “Don’t even try to ma-“
“You looked hot.” His grin was wide, playful. The box was gone and Junhyung noticed it under the small plastic Christmas tree he had. He thought maybe he had gone overboard with the lights, just a bit though.
“Did you come here to make things awkward on a purpose?” He asked, dry laugh escaping his lips as he went by the kitchen, putting the water to boil as he placed two mugs on the cupboard with a small smile. He turned his back to Hyunseung to avoid further jokes.
He knew the other would say something about it.
“You could say that,” Hyunseung gave out a yawn before continuing as he pulled his legs up to the couch, “I missed you so much but you don’t even care.”
Junhyung couldn’t help but snort. Was it weird that he liked being like this, weird when he had always preferred being on his own. He wanted to look behind him just to ensure he was still there, even when it sounded silly because Junhyung wasn’t sure, he didn’t know if this really was how it was supposed to be.
“Whatever.”
“That’s exactly what I mean,” Hyunseung’s voice said back, the light creak of the couch telling him the other had stood up and the pats on the floor letting him know he was slowly making his way over.
Junhyung felt a hand on his shoulder, just briefly before it ended supporting its own body against the countertop. He heard a sniff, heard a compliment which was surprising enough for him to stop and he saw Hyunseung looking back at him, his eyes curious, questioning.
“Is something wrong?”
Nothing.
He poured the water, one mug just a bit too full, only slight edge holding it back. Hyunseung snickered as he grabbed for sugar and Junhyung like on an instinct grabbed his hand, stopping him midway as a warning - something that Hyunseung caught easily as he grinned.
And he didn’t care.
Junhyung could only sigh.
“You know, at one point I just thought - why not pay our little Junhyung a visit,” Hyunseung started, still shovelling sugar until Junhyung just had enough and took it away, “And here I am.”
He could feel Hyunseung giving him a shove before stirring his tea, still grinning widely as he eyed the sugar, almost contemplating if to reach for it or not. To take a chance when Junhyung’s eyes were somewhere on the counter, when he was zoned out.
It was all blank.
“Yes, I see,” he mumbled in response and Hyunseung tilted his head to the side, spoon in his mouth as he eyed Junhyung.
“You’re really out of it. I feel honoured,” Hyunseung said with a light chuckle as he grabbed both of their mugs and made his way back to the couches, claiming his spot. Why couldn’t he focus on what was going on and why he couldn’t help feeling that something wasn’t right.
Not with this situation but rather with his mind.
“Don’t think too highly of yourself now,” he responded as he sat opposite of him, placing down the bowl of cookies he had managed to grab along. It obviously pleased Hyunseung who took effort in leaning forward to get one.
“Who would’ve guessed you had my favourites,” Hyunseung said, seemingly surprised of some sort. “I haven’t had these in years.”
Junhyung thought he should get more of those.
He leaned back, his mug between his hands and his eyes met with Hyunseung’s and he felt it was perfect, being like that.
“Stop with all the thinking,” Hyunseung said with a laugh, nudging Junhyung’s leg under the table, “So how is it at work, still taking it easy?”
Junhyung casted him a small glare, not breaking it even once as he placed his mug on the table. Hyunseung kept staring back, not even planning on uttering a single word, only amusement played in his eyes and he was expecting an answer, and a good one.
“I always work hard,” he started, “It’s-“
“It’s what you love doing,” Hyunseung interrupted, “I know.”
“Then why the question?” Junhyung asked, curiosity in his tone to which Hyunseung raised his gaze again. His eyes flickered before turning away, towards the Christmas tree once again and Junhyung followed.
“It’s really nice here, cosy.”
He wanted to repeat himself. For unanswered questions, for deserved answers and sometimes he just found himself annoyed because Hyunseung didn’t even ask anything and he still seemed to know way too much. About Junhyung, that is.
What was up with the world?
“You know, sometimes I wonder what I look for in people,” Hyunseung continued, having caught Junhyung’s attention and he knew it, enjoyed it.
He wasn’t a performer but had the soul of a performer.
Hyunseung seemed to enjoy the attention, enjoyed it as much as he could as he stood up and knowingly or not, he took slow steps, over to the tree which he had already been eyeing. Junhyung could see the lights shimmering back from his skin, his eyes - the vibrant colours which left no spot untouched.
“I don’t care what a person does, for living that is,” he crouched down, his fingertips going over the presents and Junhyung’s eyes followed even the slightest movement. “But a whole another thing is whether the person’s heart longs for it, if they’re ready to take the risk.”
He raised his gaze, meeting with Junhyung’s along with a small smile. “But I see you’ve got that covered.”
Hyunseung’s words had always been vague. He said so much with few words and Junhyung was afraid for it each day that passed, every single day when he could miss something, anything that was important.
He was curious and to miss things meant Hyunseung would have to say it out.
And he knew that would never happen.
“Sometimes I still think you don’t get it,” Hyunseung started again, “Don’t get why I left. Did I get annoyed with the life? Did I finally understand it’s not a proper way to live?”
Junhyung had heard the answer before, had heard but why was he still hesitating?
He felt as if Hyunseung was expecting it, waiting and he knew it must’ve been wrong, totally wrong.
“To live how you want to? Not to be bound to anything?” Junhyung said the words, the words to which Hyunseung sighed as sat down in front of the tree, sat down before he looked back. His head was supported by his hand, his upper arm on his knee and still Junhyung could see all colours - purple, blue, green, orange - all together in his eyes.
“You’re quite right. I ached for freedom which I didn’t dare to strive for. I couldn’t risk of losing what I had built up - honestly or not,” Hyunseung grabbed for a present and eyed Junhyung who only nodded in approval, “I betrayed but had to stay true to my soul, I couldn’t think anymore, I couldn’t bear being alone.”
Those innocent eyes were still there, Junhyung could see them, feel them but they were buried in the depths. The facade was down and Junhyung knew even now the real feelings were hidden away - they had been mastered and even tempered with.
Hyunseung was a person who controlled what he felt, what he wanted to feel and Junhyung didn’t know if it was right - if it was humanly. Giving up on everything, the words he had said were the proof. The world, his job, his dreams - Hyunseung had given up on everything including himself and Junhyung didn’t know why he was told all of this.
Was he looking for help?
Or was he trying to keep him away.
Hyunseung finished unwrapping the gift - cologne, probably expensive with a little note to which Hyunseung smiled.
“To my Junhyungie in hope he won’t forget me~” He read out loud, his eyes and lips smiling but it wasn’t enough and Junhyung thought it would never be enough. “It looks like HwaYoung’s handwriting, am I right?”
What was he supposed to do? What was he supposed to think?
“So you still hate your former co-workers?” He asked, earning a questioning gaze to which the smile faded - slowly but fully before he glanced away only to meet with his eyes again, now more powerful, more intimidating but also uncertain.
“I have never hated anyone. I dislike some, people who have no loyalty to whom they really love. I don’t care if they break promises, if they destroy lives, if they use others and do deeds which should never see the daylight - I cannot hate them because deep inside I only find respect.”
Hyunseung took a deep breath, “It’s kind of conflicting but it’s clear to me.”
Was there still some small thread of hope that he was keeping? Hope which he said was lost, gone and impossible to get back - was there still something because Junhyung knew, he just knew otherwise Hyunseung wouldn’t be there, wouldn’t even have given the chance for Junhyung to get so close.
Or was he trying to prove that hope really didn’t exist? That everything one did was pointless?
And was he succeeding?
“You had to take the risk, I get it, and it’s also understandable why you still work with them - they’re the best at what they do,” Junhyung commented, adding a shrug of his shoulders which he had to force.
Hyunseung rolled his eyes, and maybe looked even a bit annoyed, making Junhyung raise his eyebrow.
“But really, tell me what you really think,” Hyunseung snapped, now for certain annoyed, “Was I stupid? Am I stupid? Just say it out what you think.”
Junhyung lazily bit into his inner lip. He really wasn’t sure where he was getting at and what his real intentions were and word by word he couldn’t help but think that maybe he wasn’t trying anything at all. Maybe he was just confusing him with no purpose and even though it sounded silly, maybe Hyunseung just wanted to see what Junhyung was made of and who he was. Maybe it really was his way of figuring things out - and maybe it was the best way.
“If you weren’t happy, of course you’d leave but I can’t understand why you’re getting involved again. You write songs, ok, I get it but you’re still attached to the company and that’s plain stupid for someone who wants to get away,” Junhyung saw his fingers unwrapping another gift, “There are other companies, other artists who’d make a direct contract for one song and as it seems, you’re famous enough to be independent and still have cash flowing in. But then, why are you here like this? Why do you sleep on the streets? Why don’t you get proper clothes? I may understand the intentions but I don’t understand it as a person, as a human.”
“That’s the problem with people,” Hyunseung starts as he places another gift to his side, slight sadness in his eyes and Junhyung knows the reason - that had been a gift from his parents. “You all have that dying curiosity to know but when in need, you don’t care. It’s stupid and only makes me despise this society.”
..In need?
“So you needed help but no one was there?” Junhyung inquired, leaning forward in his seat, placing the mug on the coffee table and his eyes still focused on Hyunseung.
The latter diverted his gaze and sighed. “Maybe, I don’t remember anymore and neither do I care. I just meant that people are different and sometimes things get unexplainable and that’s why I’m stuck with them. I can never be free.”
Junhyung opened his mouth but was cut off. “Do you understand? I can never, never be free.”
“But you said you quit, you said you could now do what you wanted to do and weren’t responsible for anything,” Junhyung asked, words rushed and he was worried that they went by unheard but Hyunseung’s expressions said otherwise.
His eyes dropped to the ground before finally meeting Junhyung’s for the hundredth time this night and Junhyung would’ve never thought he could look so vulnerable, so hurt, like a person who really has lost hope, like a person who couldn’t escape.
And when Hyunseung wasn’t able to explain it.
How could he even try.
“When you are where I have been, you’d know.”
Junhyung doesn’t know if trying would be enough. He doesn’t know if he should try to help or try to relieve whatever burden he was carrying.
And at times he found himself thinking if he even had the right to decide.
“Here,” Junhyung placed the plate on the table, “We did quite a great job, don’t you think?” He had to stifle the laugh as Hyunseung sniffed, followed by a grin. Junhyung didn’t know how he had done it nor how it was even possible but there it was, a pile of deliciously-smelling cooked food and Junhyung was ready to bet it tasted heavenly.
It was for certain.
“What can I say, I’m perfect,” Hyunseung said, self-praise heard from his tone and Junhyung didn’t even deny.
He had no right to deny as Hyunseung really had done a damn good job.
“For a housewife, maybe,” Junhyung couldn’t resist adding, now perfectly managing to avoid getting hit, avoiding just in time with a laugh and an excuse to get wine escaped his lips.
He was surprised to see Hyunseung hadn’t touched anything by the time he came back.
“I wasn’t sure what to get, so you know,” he said as he got the glasses and made his way back, “As you seem more aware of this stuff.”
Hyunseung only laughed. “Good choice nevertheless.”
“So how many ladies you have brought here?” He asked as Junhyung had finally sat down, unbelieving but Hyunseung’s stare made him answer.
“None lately,” He started with a sight, “Nice way to remind me of it.”
Hyunseung half-smiled, “I apologize.”
“It’s nothing, I’m just tired of playing around,” he answered as he cut the meat, his thoughts still lingering on before, on what the other had said. It made him almost miss what was in present.
“Finally looking for something more stabile?” Hyunseung asked, taking a sip which ended up with his tongue trailing over his lower, low hum escaping the back of his throat to which Junhyung smiled.
“You could say that. I’m not rushing though, keeping my options open as some would say.”
Hyunseung nudged him under the table, “Only you would say that I guess.”
“What about you then?” Junhyung asked. “You seem to classify all of us like fools so how are you doing with,” he gestured with his hands, “all of that?”
Hyunseung placed the glass back on the table, surprisingly with no sound, “I’m the same as ironic as that would sound.”
“Sounds good enough. Anyway, to Christmas,” he said, holding out the glass, Hyunseung reaching for his again.
Only a silent clink sounded through the room with two pairs of eyes connected.
“To Christmas.”
Word Count: 3576
Rating: PG
Pairing: Junhyung/Hyunseung
Summary: Everything looks as normal as it can be - Junhyung works, makes money, is satisfied with his life and with the reality he doesn't even want to think about, but the appearance of a certain stranger turns everything around. Things get complicated, he finds out nothing is as it seems and Junhyung's curiosity just jumps in joy.
A/N: This was supposed to be all happy and Christmasy but...This is what happened. It may seem a bit scattered but I had to get it posted as soon it's Spring and what-not (let's not mention that there are still countable months left) Anyway, here it is (And next chapter is ready too..just going to take more time with it. You know...to get familiar and all friendly.
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What was it when Hyunseung’s eyes fell to the ground before meeting his. What was the reason for that small awkward smile as he walked back towards him, two dark orbs shining in the midst of the darkness. Junhyung could say nothing, he was afraid, afraid of saying something wrong and afraid of doing something wrong.
He had never been good at this.
“I’m not expecting a hug or anything,” Hyunseung’s voice sounded strained, “So just wipe that pity off your face.” Junhyung cringed at the words, wanting to assure him everything would be alright, everything would be just fine.
But he knew how fake would that sound to someone who has been waiting for it for who knows how long.
Hyunseung didn’t seem to care right now. He didn’t seem to care about anything as he gave Junhyung a small push, a nudge. And when usually Hyunseung would say something to relieve even the smallest awkwardness, then now it perfectly clear.
Junhyung thought he really needed to sleep.
“Sorry for dragging you along,” he said as Junhyung had caught up with him, noting again how all his words were muffled by the scarf, “Just as you’re sick and all.”
“Don’t be like that,” he said after a thought, his hand coming in touch with Hyunseung’s shoulder, lingering there for a second - even when it was awkward. “It’s good you did it, now you can spend another year in peace.”
Hyunseung put his hands to his pockets, eyes on the ground as he kicked a bigger pebble lying around before looking up and pulling back the hat that had been falling to his eyes. “Let’s go get some coffee.”
Junhyung was hesitant on letting him go that day. He thought if he should’ve stopped him, if he should’ve invited him over.
But he could only curse as all words got stuck in his throat and could only curse when Hyunseung’s back disappeared behind a corner.
Junhyung could do nothing but take a deep breath, cast a last look to the street before he stepped inside.
He was gone again. For the whole week, on the 20th when they were supposed to have the last meeting, on the 21st when Junhyung had hoped he’d drop by, on the 22nd which was the last chance before he gave up.
He had invited him, right? Hyunseung still understood, knew it had been an invitation, right?
23rd passed without a notice but was still meaningful as it started snowing. The promised snowless winter was now gone as it kept falling and falling, covering the ground with a thick blanket and Junhyung often found himself glancing outside, only to see, only to remind himself of this fact.
It was pretty, the decorations, at night when everything else was pitch black. It was nice when he came from the shop, his hands full of bags and he could feel warmth wrapping him in, he smelled the tangerines he had put in a bowl and smelled the gingerbread his female co-workers had forcefully given him.
He had never thought he was a person who’d enjoy Christmas but for some reason this year was different.
He was anticipating.
But for what?
The appearance of Hyunseung? Maybe.
Or was it company? Someone to just sit with, talk about things, enjoy a nice Christmas Eve with and not hope for it to pass. Maybe he just wanted to enjoy the mood that was going around, maybe his co-workers had infected him with something weird.
Junhyung liked being alone but right now he thought he wouldn’t mind company.
He thought that maybe he should even take on a hasty decision of flying abroad, to visit his own parents. To buy presents and see their eyes when he would turn up on their doorstep.
A silly dream, he thought.
They wouldn’t even be happy.
Junhyung tossed his coat to the couch, hating himself for remembering. Hating himself for hoping.
There was still tomorrow.
Junhyung was surprised, really surprised. He couldn’t even hide his astonishment when he had just gotten up from bed, only had managed to pull on some random pants while making his way towards the door and opened it to see doe eyes looking back.
He was really surprised, a little bit happy, excited enough so he couldn’t even utter a word as he kept looking at him, ensuring he was really there and it wasn’t an illusion.
Hyunseung didn’t rush him.
“Oh, hey, come in,” he managed out, slightly stuttering as he stepped aside. The other didn’t hesitate.
“I thought you didn’t really celebrate Christmas,” Hyunseung said, taking off his shoes as he eyed around.
He still couldn’t believe it.
It’s not that he found it so hard to accept nor that he had deemed it impossible. It wasn’t because he really, really hadn’t expected him because for some reason hope still lingered. He didn’t acknowledge it because it was silly, almost like a child’s but he couldn’t deny it either when he finally stood before him, a box in his hands.
Ridiculously pink if he might add.
“I’ll be right back though, just going to change to something more decent,” he said, Hyunseung on his tail, maybe a little too close as it made him stumble into Junhyung’s back when the latter stopped and Junhyung had to take a step forward not to fall.
“Anyway,” he started when the other had recovered, his eyes again wandering around until he spoke again, “Make yourself comfortable or something.”
By the time he managed to turn his back Hyunseung was already at the tangerines.
Was he happy now?
Was this what he had wanted?
He doesn’t know why he keeps at it when the warning was clear, he doesn’t even know why he’s taking the risk. The possible mess he’s getting himself into, the problems that are bound to arise - it may take him down, make him lose what he has worked for.
Earlier he would’ve said it was stupid, silly, unbelievable. Earlier when he didn’t know him, when he knew nothing but his own studio.
It was only a hunch but this hunch felt too real, too true.
And the worse of all - Junhyung isn’t sure if he cares.
He saw a glint in Hyunseung’s eyes, a mischievous one accompanied with a sly smile and it was a reflex, but maybe more of an unknown habit than seriousness, “Don’t even try to ma-“
“You looked hot.” His grin was wide, playful. The box was gone and Junhyung noticed it under the small plastic Christmas tree he had. He thought maybe he had gone overboard with the lights, just a bit though.
“Did you come here to make things awkward on a purpose?” He asked, dry laugh escaping his lips as he went by the kitchen, putting the water to boil as he placed two mugs on the cupboard with a small smile. He turned his back to Hyunseung to avoid further jokes.
He knew the other would say something about it.
“You could say that,” Hyunseung gave out a yawn before continuing as he pulled his legs up to the couch, “I missed you so much but you don’t even care.”
Junhyung couldn’t help but snort. Was it weird that he liked being like this, weird when he had always preferred being on his own. He wanted to look behind him just to ensure he was still there, even when it sounded silly because Junhyung wasn’t sure, he didn’t know if this really was how it was supposed to be.
“Whatever.”
“That’s exactly what I mean,” Hyunseung’s voice said back, the light creak of the couch telling him the other had stood up and the pats on the floor letting him know he was slowly making his way over.
Junhyung felt a hand on his shoulder, just briefly before it ended supporting its own body against the countertop. He heard a sniff, heard a compliment which was surprising enough for him to stop and he saw Hyunseung looking back at him, his eyes curious, questioning.
“Is something wrong?”
Nothing.
He poured the water, one mug just a bit too full, only slight edge holding it back. Hyunseung snickered as he grabbed for sugar and Junhyung like on an instinct grabbed his hand, stopping him midway as a warning - something that Hyunseung caught easily as he grinned.
And he didn’t care.
Junhyung could only sigh.
“You know, at one point I just thought - why not pay our little Junhyung a visit,” Hyunseung started, still shovelling sugar until Junhyung just had enough and took it away, “And here I am.”
He could feel Hyunseung giving him a shove before stirring his tea, still grinning widely as he eyed the sugar, almost contemplating if to reach for it or not. To take a chance when Junhyung’s eyes were somewhere on the counter, when he was zoned out.
It was all blank.
“Yes, I see,” he mumbled in response and Hyunseung tilted his head to the side, spoon in his mouth as he eyed Junhyung.
“You’re really out of it. I feel honoured,” Hyunseung said with a light chuckle as he grabbed both of their mugs and made his way back to the couches, claiming his spot. Why couldn’t he focus on what was going on and why he couldn’t help feeling that something wasn’t right.
Not with this situation but rather with his mind.
“Don’t think too highly of yourself now,” he responded as he sat opposite of him, placing down the bowl of cookies he had managed to grab along. It obviously pleased Hyunseung who took effort in leaning forward to get one.
“Who would’ve guessed you had my favourites,” Hyunseung said, seemingly surprised of some sort. “I haven’t had these in years.”
Junhyung thought he should get more of those.
He leaned back, his mug between his hands and his eyes met with Hyunseung’s and he felt it was perfect, being like that.
“Stop with all the thinking,” Hyunseung said with a laugh, nudging Junhyung’s leg under the table, “So how is it at work, still taking it easy?”
Junhyung casted him a small glare, not breaking it even once as he placed his mug on the table. Hyunseung kept staring back, not even planning on uttering a single word, only amusement played in his eyes and he was expecting an answer, and a good one.
“I always work hard,” he started, “It’s-“
“It’s what you love doing,” Hyunseung interrupted, “I know.”
“Then why the question?” Junhyung asked, curiosity in his tone to which Hyunseung raised his gaze again. His eyes flickered before turning away, towards the Christmas tree once again and Junhyung followed.
“It’s really nice here, cosy.”
He wanted to repeat himself. For unanswered questions, for deserved answers and sometimes he just found himself annoyed because Hyunseung didn’t even ask anything and he still seemed to know way too much. About Junhyung, that is.
What was up with the world?
“You know, sometimes I wonder what I look for in people,” Hyunseung continued, having caught Junhyung’s attention and he knew it, enjoyed it.
He wasn’t a performer but had the soul of a performer.
Hyunseung seemed to enjoy the attention, enjoyed it as much as he could as he stood up and knowingly or not, he took slow steps, over to the tree which he had already been eyeing. Junhyung could see the lights shimmering back from his skin, his eyes - the vibrant colours which left no spot untouched.
“I don’t care what a person does, for living that is,” he crouched down, his fingertips going over the presents and Junhyung’s eyes followed even the slightest movement. “But a whole another thing is whether the person’s heart longs for it, if they’re ready to take the risk.”
He raised his gaze, meeting with Junhyung’s along with a small smile. “But I see you’ve got that covered.”
Hyunseung’s words had always been vague. He said so much with few words and Junhyung was afraid for it each day that passed, every single day when he could miss something, anything that was important.
He was curious and to miss things meant Hyunseung would have to say it out.
And he knew that would never happen.
“Sometimes I still think you don’t get it,” Hyunseung started again, “Don’t get why I left. Did I get annoyed with the life? Did I finally understand it’s not a proper way to live?”
Junhyung had heard the answer before, had heard but why was he still hesitating?
He felt as if Hyunseung was expecting it, waiting and he knew it must’ve been wrong, totally wrong.
“To live how you want to? Not to be bound to anything?” Junhyung said the words, the words to which Hyunseung sighed as sat down in front of the tree, sat down before he looked back. His head was supported by his hand, his upper arm on his knee and still Junhyung could see all colours - purple, blue, green, orange - all together in his eyes.
“You’re quite right. I ached for freedom which I didn’t dare to strive for. I couldn’t risk of losing what I had built up - honestly or not,” Hyunseung grabbed for a present and eyed Junhyung who only nodded in approval, “I betrayed but had to stay true to my soul, I couldn’t think anymore, I couldn’t bear being alone.”
Those innocent eyes were still there, Junhyung could see them, feel them but they were buried in the depths. The facade was down and Junhyung knew even now the real feelings were hidden away - they had been mastered and even tempered with.
Hyunseung was a person who controlled what he felt, what he wanted to feel and Junhyung didn’t know if it was right - if it was humanly. Giving up on everything, the words he had said were the proof. The world, his job, his dreams - Hyunseung had given up on everything including himself and Junhyung didn’t know why he was told all of this.
Was he looking for help?
Or was he trying to keep him away.
Hyunseung finished unwrapping the gift - cologne, probably expensive with a little note to which Hyunseung smiled.
“To my Junhyungie in hope he won’t forget me~” He read out loud, his eyes and lips smiling but it wasn’t enough and Junhyung thought it would never be enough. “It looks like HwaYoung’s handwriting, am I right?”
What was he supposed to do? What was he supposed to think?
“So you still hate your former co-workers?” He asked, earning a questioning gaze to which the smile faded - slowly but fully before he glanced away only to meet with his eyes again, now more powerful, more intimidating but also uncertain.
“I have never hated anyone. I dislike some, people who have no loyalty to whom they really love. I don’t care if they break promises, if they destroy lives, if they use others and do deeds which should never see the daylight - I cannot hate them because deep inside I only find respect.”
Hyunseung took a deep breath, “It’s kind of conflicting but it’s clear to me.”
Was there still some small thread of hope that he was keeping? Hope which he said was lost, gone and impossible to get back - was there still something because Junhyung knew, he just knew otherwise Hyunseung wouldn’t be there, wouldn’t even have given the chance for Junhyung to get so close.
Or was he trying to prove that hope really didn’t exist? That everything one did was pointless?
And was he succeeding?
“You had to take the risk, I get it, and it’s also understandable why you still work with them - they’re the best at what they do,” Junhyung commented, adding a shrug of his shoulders which he had to force.
Hyunseung rolled his eyes, and maybe looked even a bit annoyed, making Junhyung raise his eyebrow.
“But really, tell me what you really think,” Hyunseung snapped, now for certain annoyed, “Was I stupid? Am I stupid? Just say it out what you think.”
Junhyung lazily bit into his inner lip. He really wasn’t sure where he was getting at and what his real intentions were and word by word he couldn’t help but think that maybe he wasn’t trying anything at all. Maybe he was just confusing him with no purpose and even though it sounded silly, maybe Hyunseung just wanted to see what Junhyung was made of and who he was. Maybe it really was his way of figuring things out - and maybe it was the best way.
“If you weren’t happy, of course you’d leave but I can’t understand why you’re getting involved again. You write songs, ok, I get it but you’re still attached to the company and that’s plain stupid for someone who wants to get away,” Junhyung saw his fingers unwrapping another gift, “There are other companies, other artists who’d make a direct contract for one song and as it seems, you’re famous enough to be independent and still have cash flowing in. But then, why are you here like this? Why do you sleep on the streets? Why don’t you get proper clothes? I may understand the intentions but I don’t understand it as a person, as a human.”
“That’s the problem with people,” Hyunseung starts as he places another gift to his side, slight sadness in his eyes and Junhyung knows the reason - that had been a gift from his parents. “You all have that dying curiosity to know but when in need, you don’t care. It’s stupid and only makes me despise this society.”
..In need?
“So you needed help but no one was there?” Junhyung inquired, leaning forward in his seat, placing the mug on the coffee table and his eyes still focused on Hyunseung.
The latter diverted his gaze and sighed. “Maybe, I don’t remember anymore and neither do I care. I just meant that people are different and sometimes things get unexplainable and that’s why I’m stuck with them. I can never be free.”
Junhyung opened his mouth but was cut off. “Do you understand? I can never, never be free.”
“But you said you quit, you said you could now do what you wanted to do and weren’t responsible for anything,” Junhyung asked, words rushed and he was worried that they went by unheard but Hyunseung’s expressions said otherwise.
His eyes dropped to the ground before finally meeting Junhyung’s for the hundredth time this night and Junhyung would’ve never thought he could look so vulnerable, so hurt, like a person who really has lost hope, like a person who couldn’t escape.
And when Hyunseung wasn’t able to explain it.
How could he even try.
“When you are where I have been, you’d know.”
Junhyung doesn’t know if trying would be enough. He doesn’t know if he should try to help or try to relieve whatever burden he was carrying.
And at times he found himself thinking if he even had the right to decide.
“Here,” Junhyung placed the plate on the table, “We did quite a great job, don’t you think?” He had to stifle the laugh as Hyunseung sniffed, followed by a grin. Junhyung didn’t know how he had done it nor how it was even possible but there it was, a pile of deliciously-smelling cooked food and Junhyung was ready to bet it tasted heavenly.
It was for certain.
“What can I say, I’m perfect,” Hyunseung said, self-praise heard from his tone and Junhyung didn’t even deny.
He had no right to deny as Hyunseung really had done a damn good job.
“For a housewife, maybe,” Junhyung couldn’t resist adding, now perfectly managing to avoid getting hit, avoiding just in time with a laugh and an excuse to get wine escaped his lips.
He was surprised to see Hyunseung hadn’t touched anything by the time he came back.
“I wasn’t sure what to get, so you know,” he said as he got the glasses and made his way back, “As you seem more aware of this stuff.”
Hyunseung only laughed. “Good choice nevertheless.”
“So how many ladies you have brought here?” He asked as Junhyung had finally sat down, unbelieving but Hyunseung’s stare made him answer.
“None lately,” He started with a sight, “Nice way to remind me of it.”
Hyunseung half-smiled, “I apologize.”
“It’s nothing, I’m just tired of playing around,” he answered as he cut the meat, his thoughts still lingering on before, on what the other had said. It made him almost miss what was in present.
“Finally looking for something more stabile?” Hyunseung asked, taking a sip which ended up with his tongue trailing over his lower, low hum escaping the back of his throat to which Junhyung smiled.
“You could say that. I’m not rushing though, keeping my options open as some would say.”
Hyunseung nudged him under the table, “Only you would say that I guess.”
“What about you then?” Junhyung asked. “You seem to classify all of us like fools so how are you doing with,” he gestured with his hands, “all of that?”
Hyunseung placed the glass back on the table, surprisingly with no sound, “I’m the same as ironic as that would sound.”
“Sounds good enough. Anyway, to Christmas,” he said, holding out the glass, Hyunseung reaching for his again.
Only a silent clink sounded through the room with two pairs of eyes connected.
“To Christmas.”