[TC7] The Circle
Title: The Circle
Word Count: 4647-51=4596?
Rating: PG
Pairing: Junhyung/Hyunseung
Summary: Everything looks as normal as it can be - Junhyung works, makes money, is satisfied with his life and with the reality he doesn't even want to think about, but the appearance of a certain stranger turns everything around. Things get complicated, he finds out nothing is as it seems and Junhyung's curiosity just jumps in joy.
A/N: I apologize if it seems messy or slightly off but Christmas is nearing and I need to get my move on with the Christmas-New Years specials or whatever I can come up with ^^
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It’s getting colder, Junhyung notes as he pulls his coat around him even tighter. He shoves his hands to his pockets, pressing them against his thighs to receive some warmth, to relieve even if just a little bit. He misses his hat, misses his gloves which must’ve been sitting on the counter back at home - he misses them while trying to convince he’s feeling warm, convince to make his brain believe but this time he’s failing awfully a lot more than usually.
His nose is starting to run and he groans in his mind as he has to pull out his hand, to reveal it to the cold again just to get a tissue, probably at the bottom of his bag like always, accompanied with the keys. He hates the cold which is trying to bite off his nose, making his cheeks hurt and he can’t help but curse the weather cast because their promised cloudy weather seems to be cloudy indeed but it said nothing about the ten degrees below the zero.
On the positive side, at least he has a coat and gloves (even though the latter was far far away).
On the negative side, he has a warm coat while Hyunseung only has a shabby thin one.
Junhyung thinks he needs a warm cup of tea.
In a sense it was expected. He should’ve known he was bound to appear sooner or later because it really was cold, even for Hyunseung as he saw half of his face covered with a scarf. A nod of his head, a specific way it seemed, the only way making Junhyung know it really was him.
“Don’t tell me you lost your voice again,” he found himself saying, with a tad bit of annoyance which he doesn’t even get to regret before he’s given a playful shove as the other seemed to be smiling, eyes wearing that glint again.
“You’re going to end up in a hospital one day,” Junhyung muttered, out of Hyunseung’s hearing range as the other grinned before walking on, not even spending a longer moment to look back. He just kept walking onwards and Junhyung only sighed as he picked up the pace to catch the other.
He knew his path had now been crossed and been meddled with. It really was time to get tea, or coffee, or cocoa, whatever the other was feeling like. He had changed his coat though, Junhyung thought as he eyed him, his hands also in his pockets as he moved onwards, trying to avoid the wind blowing directly in his face.
He smiled as finally Hyunseung looked over his shoulder.
A mumble which he couldn’t decipher, a mumble which Hyunseung refused to repeat escaped from him as they walked, down the street leading away from Junhyung’s home.
Hyunseung always knew the best places.
“So what brings you to me this time?” Junhyung asked, eyeing the other drowning his tea in sugar until he himself grabbed his wrist to stop him.
Hyunseung only brought up his gaze and blinked at him, innocent like always and Junhyung made no effort to stop him again. Only a sigh escaped his lips as the other shrugged his shoulders as he brought the cup to his lips, eyes turning into almost half-crescents to show a job well done.
Junhyung could only wonder how he didn’t get nauseous.
“Well, you never visit me,” Hyunseung said, warming his hands against the cup which was just perfectly big enough. There was still time but Christmas decorations were all out - autumn theme had been changed to winter, cheerful songs still cheerful but now full of Santa Claus and jingle bells with a hint of Rudolph.
Soon the streets would be filled with them, to cheer up the children - the parades, the events, the markets.
Everything was done to get people in the holiday mood, to remind them that they have to start buying.
“I don’t even know where you live,” Junhyung scoffed, “And you’re the one who hasn’t been showing his face.”
Hyunseung didn’t even seem to listen, his eyes were glancing around, taking in the atmosphere and Junhyung for a second thought he was sitting with a child whose eyes shone with excitement, waiting for the presents, waiting for the one and only Santa. Waiting until he grew out of it.
“I don’t really like Christmas,” he continued, seeing Hyunseung’s gaze on a family sitting beside the windows, eating, chatting. A warm sight, one that Junhyung hadn’t seen in a while and he disliked it, the holidays, disliked it for all of this which made him miss things he hadn’t even had.
“Me neither,” Hyunseung said, his own glint now lightly faded away as he pulled his gaze away and met with Junhyung’s for a brief moment. “It’s nice but I guess I haven’t experienced real Christmas in a long time.”
“Got no presents, eh?” Junhyung said almost mockingly, only to receive a kick underneath the table, making him curse because his whole leg must’ve been filled with bruises by now and he doesn’t understand why people keep hitting him.
“Got some but they were just stuff, nothing special,” the other said as he took another sip, only a hiss escaping his lips soon after.
Junhyung couldn’t help but snort. Hyunseung only stuck out his tongue.
“What do you do on Christmas anyway? What about your family?” Junhyung asked, finally taking the first sip of his own coffee. To his surprise and his picky taste, he was pleased and Hyunseung probably read his expression as he managed on a satisfied smile.
“My taste is always exceptional,” he said, more to himself before resting his chin on his hand, his eyes again starting to wander around. “I don’t think I can make it there this year. I’ll just take a nap under the tree and sing along when the party starts.”
And at times like these Junhyung doesn’t know if he’s joking or not.
“And then I think I’ll just sit until my ass freezes off and then go scare some children into giving me money,” a grin appears on his lips, “Sounds like a plan alright.”
“You can step by at my place, I won’t be doing anything either I think,” he said almost absentmindedly before pulled back by two brown orbs staring back at him with a mischievous glint.
“No to whatever question you might be having,” he added fast, only to see the other’s grin fade.
“You have no sense of humour.”
“Yours is plain weird.”
What is one to do with someone like that.
“Weird is better than none.”
“Oh, are you sure or just being delusional?” Junhyung said, seeing how Hyunseung’s eyes squinted as he bit into his inner lip, obviously resisting saying something and Junhyung couldn’t help but be curious.
“My humour is excellent, thank you very much,” he only replied before his whole attention was turned back on the cup. He still looked tired, as if weariness was slowly dragging him down, taking the last bits of energy he spent effort on showing.
But there was something else but why, why couldn’t Junhyung point it out?
He looked almost too calm, too indifferent.
Too serious.
“What have you done in the meantime anyway?” Junhyung asked, fingers pulling his scarf looser but he flinched as they grazed against his neck. Chills ran along his spine.
“Nothing, Selling my marvellous body.” Junhyung noted how he pulled his scarf over his mouth, over his nose until only two orbs were shining back, so childlike that it reminded him of a puppy he once had. Hyunseung really seemed no different.
“That’s not a kidding matter, really, not when Christmas is nearing,” he said, catching Hyunseung’s glance once again as his eyes softened for a second before pulling the scarf down again to take another sip.
“Truth is never a kidding matter,” he said, again that same mocking tone in his voice which was so easy to detect. Junhyung didn’t know if he should take it as so, if he should take this whole conversation seriously because with Hyunseung it was difficult to separate.
A bit too difficult.
He didn’t know where to look, he couldn’t look him into his eyes right now, not like this. Not when something was bugging deep inside and he wanted it to disappear, to leave.
“I once wanted to get a puppy,” Hyunseung started and almost, just almost Junhyung would’ve looked back at him in surprise, in slight confusion even though he should be used to it already.
He fiddled with his cup, “And so?”
Junhyung heard a light scoff, “I of course didn’t. We had no money for a pet anyway.”
“Let me guess, they got you a toy instead?” He said, only to be answered with a raised eyebrow, “I mean...Don’t parents usually do that?”
Hyunseung looked up to the ceiling for a second. “I don’t know, maybe. Anyway, shouldn’t you go see your parents?” He turned it around, eyeing curiously, his cup already half-empty and Junhyung looked at his.
“Not really. My parents live even further away, abroad,” he said. He hadn’t felt homesick in a long time and he wondered if Hyunseung maybe, just maybe felt the same.
The longing for something that has already passed.
Is this the reason why people look to make their own families? To get it back?
“I used to go frequently but then I gave up. It hurt more than it was worth.” His face was still indifferent and Junhyung didn’t know how he managed it, how he managed the indifference with that certain feel of cheerfulness. Didn’t he feel it?
Or had he felt it for too long?
Had he became numb?
“Oh well, I guess we both have a lonely Christmas ahead of us,” Junhyung tried to joke lightly, his eyes prying for a sign to tell him what it was - if it was what he thought it to be. But there was still that same face, only with corners of lips curving upwards and a glint appeared to his eyes. He had let it go already, forgotten about it.
His mind was already at peace, on the outside.
He shifted in his place, raising one leg over the other as he tilted his head, still supported by his hand, to the left. Something was definitely on his mind but...
Was he hesitating?
“What?” Junhyung asked but wasn’t taken notice of. Hyunseung’s other hand was strumming on the table, just beside his cup. A hum brought his eyes up again.
“Do you think...Should I go?” He asked, still amused and Junhyung couldn’t see the reason. What was there to be amused at?
“I don’t know,” he answered warily, “If you don’t want to, then of course not.”
“But it doesn’t really matter, I could go, it’s just hard coming back,” he said, reaching for his cup again, eyes still on Junhyung.
Did he have any right to say anything at all?
“You never know for how long they are going to stick around. Christmas is the best time to go pay a visit,” he tried, eyeing if it was right, if anything would reflect back from the other’s face. He wanted to know what was hidden under those hums, what was the purpose for what he had said.
He wanted to know, just to know.
“True,” Something flashed in his eyes and Junhyung’s eyebrow rose in question. “They could be there one day and gone the next, right?”
They depart that day like every other day but this time, Junhyung isn’t sure if he’s the only one, but they depart and some piece of thought still irritates his mind.
“So, getting settled in I see,” Junhyung said, earning a surprised look from the blonde who then changed looks between him and the yoghurt in his hand.
“I took it first you know,” he said and Junhyung couldn’t help but raise his eyebrow, only to roll his eyes in the end and see the confusion on the other’s face. It was somewhat amusing, somewhat pitiful because it wasn’t rare that people seemed intimidated by him, were lightly taken aback when he chose to take the initiative. It was weird for him but for some reason he knew some company would be appreciated.
He put on a small smile while taking himself something totally different and Yoseob took it as a sign to move on. “You’re just like a little kid at times.”
He saw the blonde smile, slightly bitterly, “But that’s what sells it seems.”
“Hmm,” he had to agree while following Yoseob to the table far back in one corner, “Anyway, how are things going?”
Somehow it felt relieving, to see eyes full of confidence, to see a big grin and he didn’t even try to deny he was slowly getting attached to the blonde.
“Busy like always, the title track is seriously going to be a hit, I can sense it.” It was like he was the whole meaning of positive, someone whom to see could make your day a lot better and Junhyung at times really could use that.
“Your optimism really surprises me,” he said, not knowing if it was the slight need to tease or just bring the younger back to reality but it felt nice nevertheless. He knew the blonde understood everything he said.
Yoseob’s grin never faded, “Of course, it has to be perfect and with the almighty Junhyung on our side, there is no other choice.”
Junhyung gave out a laugh.
“I see, thank you,” he said, obviously pleased with the praise.
Yoseob didn’t take much notice of it but instead dug out some papers from his bag, making Junhyung eye him curiously.
“What’s this?” He asked when they were slid over to him.
Junhyung didn’t know why he kept getting all the extra work.
“What do you mean there is nothing,” he asked, annoyed, also tired and glancing at the clock which was about to hit 7.
In the morning.
“It’s so freaking cold outside and now you dare to say there is nothing” he said, elbows already on the desk, eyeing the secretary, “You know, I had to withstand the wind. Wind.”
The secretary only held an apologizing gaze. Poor newcomer, just her second day of work.
“It’s about 12 metres per second,” he continued, now more to himself and he knew the young woman was almost terrified and also confused. There had been a call, a call which she had nothing to say about other than someone asked for you, urgently.
It didn’t make sense at all but Junhyung honestly didn’t even want to understand.
He just wanted to get back to home, without the wind slashing at his face.
Now the only thing missing was the-
Oh great.
Rain.
“I’m really sorry,” she said but Junhyung was already walking away, preferring his studio to the wind, the cold sofa to his comfortable bed. Without getting soaked, he might add. He just wanted some sleep as he plopped down on the couch, his hand reaching for a pillow which he stuck under his head. It had to do.
The pillow was soft, he told himself. The couch was nice, comfy and sleep would come any moment now.
Any moment...
Creak.
Or not. He stretched, groaning for them to leave, to leave him alone because he just wanted a break, wanted to forget that he had been dragged out so early, to the cold, especially when he already was feeling a bit ill.
He hated being sick, it made him feel too weak. His head was heavy, at times buzzing and at other times he just wanted to sit down, lean his head against something and just be - not do anything, just be.
Like he said, he hated having a cold.
“Go away,” he groaned again when there was no movement. The door closed, the movement of chilly air stopped but he knew the person was still inside and ready to talk.
He really didn’t want to.
“You look bad, should I apologize?” A familiar voice asked, in a whisper but still it made Junhyung open his eyes.
Only a bit though because even his eyelids felt heavy.
“What are you doing here?” He asked, almost in a mumble and it made Junhyung want to snort seeing a small smile on the other’s face as he took it as an invitation to come even closer, to sit down on the edge of the couch which definitely wasn’t as he thought to be.
But he didn’t have any energy to say so.
“If you’re sick just go home,” Hyunseung said, his hand coming up to Junhyung’s forehead which he weakly slapped away.
“I’m not sick, I’m just in the process of falling sick.”
“That’s the same thing.”
“No it’s not.,” he insisted, trying to shove Hyunseung off but failing miserably. The other gave out a laugh.
“I’ll take you out, how does that sound?”
Junhyung’s eyes focused at Hyunseung’s smiling face. Was he waiting?
For an answer?
“Where to?” He found himself to ask in reply, suddenly feeling so wide awake that he felt the necessity to pretend, necessity to keep his eyes still half-closed, peeking almost through his eyelashes at Hyunseung who now had crouched before him, on his eye-level and his eyes again so innocent. But he was also serious, he could feel it.
The smile on his face was still there, he was eager to get Junhyung to come along. He anticipated, his doe-eyes just cutting through everything and for some reason, something unimaginable, Junhyung couldn’t help but think that saying no would end up in a small child crying.
No one wanted that, right?
Even if he knew it wouldn’t happen.
“I thought instead of Christmas we could go now,” he said, his head tilting to the right only just a bit, still waiting for a response, “To my parent’s, of course.”
Junhyung pushed himself up, to a seating position as he still looked at Hyunseung, contact never breaking and really, all of his tiredness just disappeared, now only confusion reflecting back but Hyunseung seemed to take no notice of it.
“Why me?” He asked and he furrowed slightly when Hyunseung rose up and Junhyung wasn’t even sure he was going to answer.
Hyunseung was acting weird.
Too weird. He acted like always but something small about his actions was off, something about his expressions was even more off and Junhyung hated that he recognized - hated because he shouldn’t, shouldn’t when he could be perfectly ignorant like he was seen to be.
“I don’t know,” the other shrugged his shoulders, “I just wanted a companion I guess.”
He really wanted to be ignorant because he actually wanted to go. He actually found himself wanting to go and he wasn’t sure if Hyunseung knew it, was aware of it already and he couldn’t help but feel a bit betrayed - by himself, by everything.
He hated everything he didn’t want to acknowledge.
“I don’t think it’s a good-“
“Come on, don’t be an ass,” Hyunseung retorted back immediately, nudging Junhyung as he pulled him up.
Or tried to because the latter wasn’t that cooperative.
Who knows how he found himself in a bus stop, scarf around his neck - Hyunseung’s obviously because now the other was walking towards him with a cup of what seemed to be a coffee, his eyes going over everything and sometimes it really seemed a wonder how he never stumbled or fell or hit a lamp-post.
The plastic cup ended up in his hand, bright red letters catching his attention and it was warm, almost hot but just perfect.
“You should’ve got yourself something also,” he said, taking a sip.
It really was coffee, and like always again something that just surprised Junhyung because it was good, too good and he didn’t understand how the other managed to find such places.
“No need, tasted it already,” he only replied, his tongue going over his lips before leading the way towards the buses, just managing to jump away when Junhyung wanted to lightly hit him. He didn’t know how he saw, if he felt it but still a smile managed its way on his lips as Hyunseung turned around, laughing as he walked backwards and Junhyung couldn’t help but shake his head.
“Thanks.”
Hyunseung only smiled.
“So how long does it take to get there?” He asked as he climbed up a small stairway, Hyunseung already having disappeared somewhere and the bus driver only cast him a look.
A look like he was stupid.
Or he was just having a bad day.
“Why do you always have to make me look-“
“Junhyung!” He cut in again, exclaiming and he looked happy, too excited as he sat down to the window seat, patting for Junhyung to also take a seat. He really looked like a little child and he really had no idea how he was putting up with it, how he was able to withstand with it.
He who disliked everything too childish.
As soon as he sat down, Hyunseung’s head ended against his shoulder, his head perfectly leaning against him and he couldn’t say a word.
Neither did Hyunseung.
It was going to be a long trip, he thought as he pulled his coat over them both, letting his own head fall against Hyunseung’s and let himself also drift off to a dreamland.
He woke up to a cold hand against his forehead, his eyes shooting open to see Hyunseung pull back. And for once to Junhyung’s surprise he looked taken aback.
“I just wanted to check if you’re sick, just in case, you know,” he said, putting on his jacket and out he was, leaving Junhyung there to yawn, to sigh and to look out of the window.
It looked even colder than back in Seoul.
He groaned.
“Where did you bring me anyway?” He asked once they were out, big field on his one hand and a small village on the other. Quiet village, only a single person walking down the seemingly main road, two big bags in either of her hands.
“This is your home?” Junhyung asked, his curiosity now stepping in again as Hyunseung said nothing, only waving at him with a wide smile on his face. Junhyung caught up with him just as he was about to step to a small store near the stop.
It was literally small.
“It’s a nice place,” he finally said as they were walking again, to somewhere unknown. Junhyung could do nothing else but blindly follow.
Though something still felt wrong - the people. They cast him looks, both of them, which weren’t ill-wished but were almost as curious as Junhyung but there was this sign of pity, compassion, sadness as they welcomed each other.
Hyunseung seemed unaffected.
But to Junhyung it seemed so wrong.
“Is everything fine?” He finally found himself asking.
“What do you mean?” Hyunseung replied, shoving his hands to his pockets, seemingly freezing and Junhyung thought if this place had a small cafe in it.
“The people, did something happen?”
Hyunseung said nothing for a second, only glanced at him, almost in confusion but this time it was so easily seen-through that he understood. But it was also easy to see he tried to avoid it.
“Nothing really,” he said as he kept on walking, “We should stop by at my uttermost favourite place.”
“Hyunseung, seriously, tell me.”
“They sell good hot chocolate and-“
“Hyunseung!” He grabbed at his jacket, making him turn around to see his face but there was nothing there, nothing at all. It was blank, empty and that was even worse.
“You’ll see them soon, don’t worry,” he only said, jokingly with still that bitter feel to it which Junhyung knew he would learn to loathe. He still felt tired, a bit sickly and games were quite out of the question.
It was cold and he really disliked the cold.
Really disliked it.
Hyunseung was quiet through the small walk, at times motioning towards the old houses, at times just looking around and if it wouldn’t sound that stupid, Junhyung would’ve said he glowed in a sense.
He could tell he was reminiscing, by that slightly sad smile but he still looked pleased, happy to be walking down the road which by now was empty and darkening and Junhyung really hoped through some miracle gloves would appeared in his pockets.
That of course was of no point.
It really was getting dark, Junhyung noted when they left the village, lights shining from houses getting brighter and brighter and up ahead was only darkness and trees.
And...
Graveyard?
“Hyunseung,” he gave him a fast look before shoving his hands deeper to his pockets, “Exactly where are we heading to?”
Hyunseung hadn’t changed at all, his eyes still blinking innocently in confusion, “What do you mean? To pay a visit to my parents?”
It really hurt him in a way, to ask this. He really didn’t want to because it felt like telling a child that Santa Claus didn’t exist. It was just ridiculous because even though Hyunseung was not weak at all, Junhyung thought saying it out would still make him hurt.
And he didn’t want to hurt Hyunseung.
“I meant...This is the reason you don’t like coming down here for holidays?” He tried to ask, as subtly as possible.
He only got a playful shove in response.
“Don’t be like that. It’s not that bad. I planned to come here alone but I just couldn’t resist when I had such a perfect possibility to really get you sick,” he said, lightly while giving him another nudge. Junhyung really didn’t know if to go along with it or not.
Because in a sense it seemed Hyunseung looked for some comfort.
That he looked for something he had lost long ago and even though he was capable of a lot, even he couldn’t escape from the feeling of Christmas. There was still a child inside him, looking for a Christmas tree and looking towards eating the tangerines with a happy smile in front of the fireplace.
It would be warm, it would be cheerful.
Just like in the past.
Junhyung hated knowing that for Hyunseung it will never happen.
And he hated knowing that each time he would celebrate it he would think on it.
A little child who has lost everything. Junhyung couldn’t understand how this could happen, how he managed with his life, how long had he been living like this.
Was this the reason for everything that had happened in his life?
The drama. The mess he had been in, was in.
Junhyung just wanted to wrap him up in a blanket, put a mug of hot chocolate to his hands and just let him be because for some reason, it fit the best. For some reason, it seemed what Hyunseung would’ve liked.
But was it really what Hyunseung wanted?
Was it what he would’ve wanted to happen - to remember it again only to lose it?
Junhyung didn’t know.
“Anyway, I’ll go talk a bit and then we can go, ok?” He wore a small smile, voice still light as he was already on the move and Junhyung couldn’t help but stand there like a fool.
Did Hyunseung ever complain?
Did he ever feel like giving up?
Junhyung finally took some steps forward, small ones, still by far behind and closed his eyes.
He really wished something good would happen to Hyunseung.
Word Count: 4647-51=4596?
Rating: PG
Pairing: Junhyung/Hyunseung
Summary: Everything looks as normal as it can be - Junhyung works, makes money, is satisfied with his life and with the reality he doesn't even want to think about, but the appearance of a certain stranger turns everything around. Things get complicated, he finds out nothing is as it seems and Junhyung's curiosity just jumps in joy.
A/N: I apologize if it seems messy or slightly off but Christmas is nearing and I need to get my move on with the Christmas-New Years specials or whatever I can come up with ^^
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It’s getting colder, Junhyung notes as he pulls his coat around him even tighter. He shoves his hands to his pockets, pressing them against his thighs to receive some warmth, to relieve even if just a little bit. He misses his hat, misses his gloves which must’ve been sitting on the counter back at home - he misses them while trying to convince he’s feeling warm, convince to make his brain believe but this time he’s failing awfully a lot more than usually.
His nose is starting to run and he groans in his mind as he has to pull out his hand, to reveal it to the cold again just to get a tissue, probably at the bottom of his bag like always, accompanied with the keys. He hates the cold which is trying to bite off his nose, making his cheeks hurt and he can’t help but curse the weather cast because their promised cloudy weather seems to be cloudy indeed but it said nothing about the ten degrees below the zero.
On the positive side, at least he has a coat and gloves (even though the latter was far far away).
On the negative side, he has a warm coat while Hyunseung only has a shabby thin one.
Junhyung thinks he needs a warm cup of tea.
In a sense it was expected. He should’ve known he was bound to appear sooner or later because it really was cold, even for Hyunseung as he saw half of his face covered with a scarf. A nod of his head, a specific way it seemed, the only way making Junhyung know it really was him.
“Don’t tell me you lost your voice again,” he found himself saying, with a tad bit of annoyance which he doesn’t even get to regret before he’s given a playful shove as the other seemed to be smiling, eyes wearing that glint again.
“You’re going to end up in a hospital one day,” Junhyung muttered, out of Hyunseung’s hearing range as the other grinned before walking on, not even spending a longer moment to look back. He just kept walking onwards and Junhyung only sighed as he picked up the pace to catch the other.
He knew his path had now been crossed and been meddled with. It really was time to get tea, or coffee, or cocoa, whatever the other was feeling like. He had changed his coat though, Junhyung thought as he eyed him, his hands also in his pockets as he moved onwards, trying to avoid the wind blowing directly in his face.
He smiled as finally Hyunseung looked over his shoulder.
A mumble which he couldn’t decipher, a mumble which Hyunseung refused to repeat escaped from him as they walked, down the street leading away from Junhyung’s home.
Hyunseung always knew the best places.
“So what brings you to me this time?” Junhyung asked, eyeing the other drowning his tea in sugar until he himself grabbed his wrist to stop him.
Hyunseung only brought up his gaze and blinked at him, innocent like always and Junhyung made no effort to stop him again. Only a sigh escaped his lips as the other shrugged his shoulders as he brought the cup to his lips, eyes turning into almost half-crescents to show a job well done.
Junhyung could only wonder how he didn’t get nauseous.
“Well, you never visit me,” Hyunseung said, warming his hands against the cup which was just perfectly big enough. There was still time but Christmas decorations were all out - autumn theme had been changed to winter, cheerful songs still cheerful but now full of Santa Claus and jingle bells with a hint of Rudolph.
Soon the streets would be filled with them, to cheer up the children - the parades, the events, the markets.
Everything was done to get people in the holiday mood, to remind them that they have to start buying.
“I don’t even know where you live,” Junhyung scoffed, “And you’re the one who hasn’t been showing his face.”
Hyunseung didn’t even seem to listen, his eyes were glancing around, taking in the atmosphere and Junhyung for a second thought he was sitting with a child whose eyes shone with excitement, waiting for the presents, waiting for the one and only Santa. Waiting until he grew out of it.
“I don’t really like Christmas,” he continued, seeing Hyunseung’s gaze on a family sitting beside the windows, eating, chatting. A warm sight, one that Junhyung hadn’t seen in a while and he disliked it, the holidays, disliked it for all of this which made him miss things he hadn’t even had.
“Me neither,” Hyunseung said, his own glint now lightly faded away as he pulled his gaze away and met with Junhyung’s for a brief moment. “It’s nice but I guess I haven’t experienced real Christmas in a long time.”
“Got no presents, eh?” Junhyung said almost mockingly, only to receive a kick underneath the table, making him curse because his whole leg must’ve been filled with bruises by now and he doesn’t understand why people keep hitting him.
“Got some but they were just stuff, nothing special,” the other said as he took another sip, only a hiss escaping his lips soon after.
Junhyung couldn’t help but snort. Hyunseung only stuck out his tongue.
“What do you do on Christmas anyway? What about your family?” Junhyung asked, finally taking the first sip of his own coffee. To his surprise and his picky taste, he was pleased and Hyunseung probably read his expression as he managed on a satisfied smile.
“My taste is always exceptional,” he said, more to himself before resting his chin on his hand, his eyes again starting to wander around. “I don’t think I can make it there this year. I’ll just take a nap under the tree and sing along when the party starts.”
And at times like these Junhyung doesn’t know if he’s joking or not.
“And then I think I’ll just sit until my ass freezes off and then go scare some children into giving me money,” a grin appears on his lips, “Sounds like a plan alright.”
“You can step by at my place, I won’t be doing anything either I think,” he said almost absentmindedly before pulled back by two brown orbs staring back at him with a mischievous glint.
“No to whatever question you might be having,” he added fast, only to see the other’s grin fade.
“You have no sense of humour.”
“Yours is plain weird.”
What is one to do with someone like that.
“Weird is better than none.”
“Oh, are you sure or just being delusional?” Junhyung said, seeing how Hyunseung’s eyes squinted as he bit into his inner lip, obviously resisting saying something and Junhyung couldn’t help but be curious.
“My humour is excellent, thank you very much,” he only replied before his whole attention was turned back on the cup. He still looked tired, as if weariness was slowly dragging him down, taking the last bits of energy he spent effort on showing.
But there was something else but why, why couldn’t Junhyung point it out?
He looked almost too calm, too indifferent.
Too serious.
“What have you done in the meantime anyway?” Junhyung asked, fingers pulling his scarf looser but he flinched as they grazed against his neck. Chills ran along his spine.
“Nothing, Selling my marvellous body.” Junhyung noted how he pulled his scarf over his mouth, over his nose until only two orbs were shining back, so childlike that it reminded him of a puppy he once had. Hyunseung really seemed no different.
“That’s not a kidding matter, really, not when Christmas is nearing,” he said, catching Hyunseung’s glance once again as his eyes softened for a second before pulling the scarf down again to take another sip.
“Truth is never a kidding matter,” he said, again that same mocking tone in his voice which was so easy to detect. Junhyung didn’t know if he should take it as so, if he should take this whole conversation seriously because with Hyunseung it was difficult to separate.
A bit too difficult.
He didn’t know where to look, he couldn’t look him into his eyes right now, not like this. Not when something was bugging deep inside and he wanted it to disappear, to leave.
“I once wanted to get a puppy,” Hyunseung started and almost, just almost Junhyung would’ve looked back at him in surprise, in slight confusion even though he should be used to it already.
He fiddled with his cup, “And so?”
Junhyung heard a light scoff, “I of course didn’t. We had no money for a pet anyway.”
“Let me guess, they got you a toy instead?” He said, only to be answered with a raised eyebrow, “I mean...Don’t parents usually do that?”
Hyunseung looked up to the ceiling for a second. “I don’t know, maybe. Anyway, shouldn’t you go see your parents?” He turned it around, eyeing curiously, his cup already half-empty and Junhyung looked at his.
“Not really. My parents live even further away, abroad,” he said. He hadn’t felt homesick in a long time and he wondered if Hyunseung maybe, just maybe felt the same.
The longing for something that has already passed.
Is this the reason why people look to make their own families? To get it back?
“I used to go frequently but then I gave up. It hurt more than it was worth.” His face was still indifferent and Junhyung didn’t know how he managed it, how he managed the indifference with that certain feel of cheerfulness. Didn’t he feel it?
Or had he felt it for too long?
Had he became numb?
“Oh well, I guess we both have a lonely Christmas ahead of us,” Junhyung tried to joke lightly, his eyes prying for a sign to tell him what it was - if it was what he thought it to be. But there was still that same face, only with corners of lips curving upwards and a glint appeared to his eyes. He had let it go already, forgotten about it.
His mind was already at peace, on the outside.
He shifted in his place, raising one leg over the other as he tilted his head, still supported by his hand, to the left. Something was definitely on his mind but...
Was he hesitating?
“What?” Junhyung asked but wasn’t taken notice of. Hyunseung’s other hand was strumming on the table, just beside his cup. A hum brought his eyes up again.
“Do you think...Should I go?” He asked, still amused and Junhyung couldn’t see the reason. What was there to be amused at?
“I don’t know,” he answered warily, “If you don’t want to, then of course not.”
“But it doesn’t really matter, I could go, it’s just hard coming back,” he said, reaching for his cup again, eyes still on Junhyung.
Did he have any right to say anything at all?
“You never know for how long they are going to stick around. Christmas is the best time to go pay a visit,” he tried, eyeing if it was right, if anything would reflect back from the other’s face. He wanted to know what was hidden under those hums, what was the purpose for what he had said.
He wanted to know, just to know.
“True,” Something flashed in his eyes and Junhyung’s eyebrow rose in question. “They could be there one day and gone the next, right?”
They depart that day like every other day but this time, Junhyung isn’t sure if he’s the only one, but they depart and some piece of thought still irritates his mind.
“So, getting settled in I see,” Junhyung said, earning a surprised look from the blonde who then changed looks between him and the yoghurt in his hand.
“I took it first you know,” he said and Junhyung couldn’t help but raise his eyebrow, only to roll his eyes in the end and see the confusion on the other’s face. It was somewhat amusing, somewhat pitiful because it wasn’t rare that people seemed intimidated by him, were lightly taken aback when he chose to take the initiative. It was weird for him but for some reason he knew some company would be appreciated.
He put on a small smile while taking himself something totally different and Yoseob took it as a sign to move on. “You’re just like a little kid at times.”
He saw the blonde smile, slightly bitterly, “But that’s what sells it seems.”
“Hmm,” he had to agree while following Yoseob to the table far back in one corner, “Anyway, how are things going?”
Somehow it felt relieving, to see eyes full of confidence, to see a big grin and he didn’t even try to deny he was slowly getting attached to the blonde.
“Busy like always, the title track is seriously going to be a hit, I can sense it.” It was like he was the whole meaning of positive, someone whom to see could make your day a lot better and Junhyung at times really could use that.
“Your optimism really surprises me,” he said, not knowing if it was the slight need to tease or just bring the younger back to reality but it felt nice nevertheless. He knew the blonde understood everything he said.
Yoseob’s grin never faded, “Of course, it has to be perfect and with the almighty Junhyung on our side, there is no other choice.”
Junhyung gave out a laugh.
“I see, thank you,” he said, obviously pleased with the praise.
Yoseob didn’t take much notice of it but instead dug out some papers from his bag, making Junhyung eye him curiously.
“What’s this?” He asked when they were slid over to him.
Junhyung didn’t know why he kept getting all the extra work.
“What do you mean there is nothing,” he asked, annoyed, also tired and glancing at the clock which was about to hit 7.
In the morning.
“It’s so freaking cold outside and now you dare to say there is nothing” he said, elbows already on the desk, eyeing the secretary, “You know, I had to withstand the wind. Wind.”
The secretary only held an apologizing gaze. Poor newcomer, just her second day of work.
“It’s about 12 metres per second,” he continued, now more to himself and he knew the young woman was almost terrified and also confused. There had been a call, a call which she had nothing to say about other than someone asked for you, urgently.
It didn’t make sense at all but Junhyung honestly didn’t even want to understand.
He just wanted to get back to home, without the wind slashing at his face.
Now the only thing missing was the-
Oh great.
Rain.
“I’m really sorry,” she said but Junhyung was already walking away, preferring his studio to the wind, the cold sofa to his comfortable bed. Without getting soaked, he might add. He just wanted some sleep as he plopped down on the couch, his hand reaching for a pillow which he stuck under his head. It had to do.
The pillow was soft, he told himself. The couch was nice, comfy and sleep would come any moment now.
Any moment...
Creak.
Or not. He stretched, groaning for them to leave, to leave him alone because he just wanted a break, wanted to forget that he had been dragged out so early, to the cold, especially when he already was feeling a bit ill.
He hated being sick, it made him feel too weak. His head was heavy, at times buzzing and at other times he just wanted to sit down, lean his head against something and just be - not do anything, just be.
Like he said, he hated having a cold.
“Go away,” he groaned again when there was no movement. The door closed, the movement of chilly air stopped but he knew the person was still inside and ready to talk.
He really didn’t want to.
“You look bad, should I apologize?” A familiar voice asked, in a whisper but still it made Junhyung open his eyes.
Only a bit though because even his eyelids felt heavy.
“What are you doing here?” He asked, almost in a mumble and it made Junhyung want to snort seeing a small smile on the other’s face as he took it as an invitation to come even closer, to sit down on the edge of the couch which definitely wasn’t as he thought to be.
But he didn’t have any energy to say so.
“If you’re sick just go home,” Hyunseung said, his hand coming up to Junhyung’s forehead which he weakly slapped away.
“I’m not sick, I’m just in the process of falling sick.”
“That’s the same thing.”
“No it’s not.,” he insisted, trying to shove Hyunseung off but failing miserably. The other gave out a laugh.
“I’ll take you out, how does that sound?”
Junhyung’s eyes focused at Hyunseung’s smiling face. Was he waiting?
For an answer?
“Where to?” He found himself to ask in reply, suddenly feeling so wide awake that he felt the necessity to pretend, necessity to keep his eyes still half-closed, peeking almost through his eyelashes at Hyunseung who now had crouched before him, on his eye-level and his eyes again so innocent. But he was also serious, he could feel it.
The smile on his face was still there, he was eager to get Junhyung to come along. He anticipated, his doe-eyes just cutting through everything and for some reason, something unimaginable, Junhyung couldn’t help but think that saying no would end up in a small child crying.
No one wanted that, right?
Even if he knew it wouldn’t happen.
“I thought instead of Christmas we could go now,” he said, his head tilting to the right only just a bit, still waiting for a response, “To my parent’s, of course.”
Junhyung pushed himself up, to a seating position as he still looked at Hyunseung, contact never breaking and really, all of his tiredness just disappeared, now only confusion reflecting back but Hyunseung seemed to take no notice of it.
“Why me?” He asked and he furrowed slightly when Hyunseung rose up and Junhyung wasn’t even sure he was going to answer.
Hyunseung was acting weird.
Too weird. He acted like always but something small about his actions was off, something about his expressions was even more off and Junhyung hated that he recognized - hated because he shouldn’t, shouldn’t when he could be perfectly ignorant like he was seen to be.
“I don’t know,” the other shrugged his shoulders, “I just wanted a companion I guess.”
He really wanted to be ignorant because he actually wanted to go. He actually found himself wanting to go and he wasn’t sure if Hyunseung knew it, was aware of it already and he couldn’t help but feel a bit betrayed - by himself, by everything.
He hated everything he didn’t want to acknowledge.
“I don’t think it’s a good-“
“Come on, don’t be an ass,” Hyunseung retorted back immediately, nudging Junhyung as he pulled him up.
Or tried to because the latter wasn’t that cooperative.
Who knows how he found himself in a bus stop, scarf around his neck - Hyunseung’s obviously because now the other was walking towards him with a cup of what seemed to be a coffee, his eyes going over everything and sometimes it really seemed a wonder how he never stumbled or fell or hit a lamp-post.
The plastic cup ended up in his hand, bright red letters catching his attention and it was warm, almost hot but just perfect.
“You should’ve got yourself something also,” he said, taking a sip.
It really was coffee, and like always again something that just surprised Junhyung because it was good, too good and he didn’t understand how the other managed to find such places.
“No need, tasted it already,” he only replied, his tongue going over his lips before leading the way towards the buses, just managing to jump away when Junhyung wanted to lightly hit him. He didn’t know how he saw, if he felt it but still a smile managed its way on his lips as Hyunseung turned around, laughing as he walked backwards and Junhyung couldn’t help but shake his head.
“Thanks.”
Hyunseung only smiled.
“So how long does it take to get there?” He asked as he climbed up a small stairway, Hyunseung already having disappeared somewhere and the bus driver only cast him a look.
A look like he was stupid.
Or he was just having a bad day.
“Why do you always have to make me look-“
“Junhyung!” He cut in again, exclaiming and he looked happy, too excited as he sat down to the window seat, patting for Junhyung to also take a seat. He really looked like a little child and he really had no idea how he was putting up with it, how he was able to withstand with it.
He who disliked everything too childish.
As soon as he sat down, Hyunseung’s head ended against his shoulder, his head perfectly leaning against him and he couldn’t say a word.
Neither did Hyunseung.
It was going to be a long trip, he thought as he pulled his coat over them both, letting his own head fall against Hyunseung’s and let himself also drift off to a dreamland.
He woke up to a cold hand against his forehead, his eyes shooting open to see Hyunseung pull back. And for once to Junhyung’s surprise he looked taken aback.
“I just wanted to check if you’re sick, just in case, you know,” he said, putting on his jacket and out he was, leaving Junhyung there to yawn, to sigh and to look out of the window.
It looked even colder than back in Seoul.
He groaned.
“Where did you bring me anyway?” He asked once they were out, big field on his one hand and a small village on the other. Quiet village, only a single person walking down the seemingly main road, two big bags in either of her hands.
“This is your home?” Junhyung asked, his curiosity now stepping in again as Hyunseung said nothing, only waving at him with a wide smile on his face. Junhyung caught up with him just as he was about to step to a small store near the stop.
It was literally small.
“It’s a nice place,” he finally said as they were walking again, to somewhere unknown. Junhyung could do nothing else but blindly follow.
Though something still felt wrong - the people. They cast him looks, both of them, which weren’t ill-wished but were almost as curious as Junhyung but there was this sign of pity, compassion, sadness as they welcomed each other.
Hyunseung seemed unaffected.
But to Junhyung it seemed so wrong.
“Is everything fine?” He finally found himself asking.
“What do you mean?” Hyunseung replied, shoving his hands to his pockets, seemingly freezing and Junhyung thought if this place had a small cafe in it.
“The people, did something happen?”
Hyunseung said nothing for a second, only glanced at him, almost in confusion but this time it was so easily seen-through that he understood. But it was also easy to see he tried to avoid it.
“Nothing really,” he said as he kept on walking, “We should stop by at my uttermost favourite place.”
“Hyunseung, seriously, tell me.”
“They sell good hot chocolate and-“
“Hyunseung!” He grabbed at his jacket, making him turn around to see his face but there was nothing there, nothing at all. It was blank, empty and that was even worse.
“You’ll see them soon, don’t worry,” he only said, jokingly with still that bitter feel to it which Junhyung knew he would learn to loathe. He still felt tired, a bit sickly and games were quite out of the question.
It was cold and he really disliked the cold.
Really disliked it.
Hyunseung was quiet through the small walk, at times motioning towards the old houses, at times just looking around and if it wouldn’t sound that stupid, Junhyung would’ve said he glowed in a sense.
He could tell he was reminiscing, by that slightly sad smile but he still looked pleased, happy to be walking down the road which by now was empty and darkening and Junhyung really hoped through some miracle gloves would appeared in his pockets.
That of course was of no point.
It really was getting dark, Junhyung noted when they left the village, lights shining from houses getting brighter and brighter and up ahead was only darkness and trees.
And...
Graveyard?
“Hyunseung,” he gave him a fast look before shoving his hands deeper to his pockets, “Exactly where are we heading to?”
Hyunseung hadn’t changed at all, his eyes still blinking innocently in confusion, “What do you mean? To pay a visit to my parents?”
It really hurt him in a way, to ask this. He really didn’t want to because it felt like telling a child that Santa Claus didn’t exist. It was just ridiculous because even though Hyunseung was not weak at all, Junhyung thought saying it out would still make him hurt.
And he didn’t want to hurt Hyunseung.
“I meant...This is the reason you don’t like coming down here for holidays?” He tried to ask, as subtly as possible.
He only got a playful shove in response.
“Don’t be like that. It’s not that bad. I planned to come here alone but I just couldn’t resist when I had such a perfect possibility to really get you sick,” he said, lightly while giving him another nudge. Junhyung really didn’t know if to go along with it or not.
Because in a sense it seemed Hyunseung looked for some comfort.
That he looked for something he had lost long ago and even though he was capable of a lot, even he couldn’t escape from the feeling of Christmas. There was still a child inside him, looking for a Christmas tree and looking towards eating the tangerines with a happy smile in front of the fireplace.
It would be warm, it would be cheerful.
Just like in the past.
Junhyung hated knowing that for Hyunseung it will never happen.
And he hated knowing that each time he would celebrate it he would think on it.
A little child who has lost everything. Junhyung couldn’t understand how this could happen, how he managed with his life, how long had he been living like this.
Was this the reason for everything that had happened in his life?
The drama. The mess he had been in, was in.
Junhyung just wanted to wrap him up in a blanket, put a mug of hot chocolate to his hands and just let him be because for some reason, it fit the best. For some reason, it seemed what Hyunseung would’ve liked.
But was it really what Hyunseung wanted?
Was it what he would’ve wanted to happen - to remember it again only to lose it?
Junhyung didn’t know.
“Anyway, I’ll go talk a bit and then we can go, ok?” He wore a small smile, voice still light as he was already on the move and Junhyung couldn’t help but stand there like a fool.
Did Hyunseung ever complain?
Did he ever feel like giving up?
Junhyung finally took some steps forward, small ones, still by far behind and closed his eyes.
He really wished something good would happen to Hyunseung.