Boys
It's been a while.
That's because I've been caught up in the business of life and school and all the necessary evils those two things require which left very little room for self-indulgence. Well I've got my Masters now - so back to my top secret livejournal to whinge and moan about banal happenings.
When I'm so self-deprecating so early on it's a clear sign I'm feeling something keenly. (For all parties wanting a Guide To Becca, that should be rule number one - she is hardest on herself when she means it the most.)
There's a pattern in my life as far as men go that I can't shake:
I am very emotionally withholding, in my friendships and romantically. I trick most people by appearing to disclose critical pieces of my emotional past, thus lulling them into feeling as though we are intimates.
I should emphasize that this is not intentional. I do it because I want very much to be liked and to have people like me, so I try and parcel out the "good" bits.
Truth is, I keep a lot in, and as a result I tend to be attracted to - romantically, friend-wise, people who live and breathe emotionally openness. People for who trade in intimacy.
This is where I lose:
Typically after a time what happens is I grow to love these people, and feel comfortable and to trust them, to realize I need them in my life. In an effort to keep them, I try to actually open up and....then I realize they're just as emotionally withholding/have as many trust issues as I do - but they know how to hide it, they invert it, it's lurking in a corner I didn't see and I'm the asshole who thought my learning to trust meant all the problems were solved.
So where am I? There I am. There she is. There you are -
And there you are with open arms and cleft breast and the awful sensation of needing someone so deeply, just to exchange words with them (Because words are MY currency, words are what IIII trade in) and there they are activating the very same wall you activate daily.
Just desserts, I guess. (See aforementioned Guide To Becca, Paragraph One, Item One.)
I don't like missing a friend after only a day. It makes me feel weak and foolish. It makes me feel like, why did I attempt to have a grown-up friendship if it's going to make me feel sad and pathetic? Am I a Victorian Woman that my friendships take on such a passionate bent? Surely I have many other close friends who I don't get so riled up over, with whom I enjoyed none dramatic but meaningful relationships with and whom I thank or it!
In a lot of ways romantic love is easier because you can blame it on your naughty bits. The heart isn't naughty in platonic love, it's a simple child, and after years of nurturing and learning it won't get slapped down, it wants what it wants and it's sad when it doesn't get it.
It wants to exchange words. And (reminded of how badly it's been treated) it's ashamed for wanting that. And it wants to blame you for making it confident enough to think it deserves that.
That's because I've been caught up in the business of life and school and all the necessary evils those two things require which left very little room for self-indulgence. Well I've got my Masters now - so back to my top secret livejournal to whinge and moan about banal happenings.
When I'm so self-deprecating so early on it's a clear sign I'm feeling something keenly. (For all parties wanting a Guide To Becca, that should be rule number one - she is hardest on herself when she means it the most.)
There's a pattern in my life as far as men go that I can't shake:
I am very emotionally withholding, in my friendships and romantically. I trick most people by appearing to disclose critical pieces of my emotional past, thus lulling them into feeling as though we are intimates.
I should emphasize that this is not intentional. I do it because I want very much to be liked and to have people like me, so I try and parcel out the "good" bits.
Truth is, I keep a lot in, and as a result I tend to be attracted to - romantically, friend-wise, people who live and breathe emotionally openness. People for who trade in intimacy.
This is where I lose:
Typically after a time what happens is I grow to love these people, and feel comfortable and to trust them, to realize I need them in my life. In an effort to keep them, I try to actually open up and....then I realize they're just as emotionally withholding/have as many trust issues as I do - but they know how to hide it, they invert it, it's lurking in a corner I didn't see and I'm the asshole who thought my learning to trust meant all the problems were solved.
So where am I? There I am. There she is. There you are -
And there you are with open arms and cleft breast and the awful sensation of needing someone so deeply, just to exchange words with them (Because words are MY currency, words are what IIII trade in) and there they are activating the very same wall you activate daily.
Just desserts, I guess. (See aforementioned Guide To Becca, Paragraph One, Item One.)
I don't like missing a friend after only a day. It makes me feel weak and foolish. It makes me feel like, why did I attempt to have a grown-up friendship if it's going to make me feel sad and pathetic? Am I a Victorian Woman that my friendships take on such a passionate bent? Surely I have many other close friends who I don't get so riled up over, with whom I enjoyed none dramatic but meaningful relationships with and whom I thank or it!
In a lot of ways romantic love is easier because you can blame it on your naughty bits. The heart isn't naughty in platonic love, it's a simple child, and after years of nurturing and learning it won't get slapped down, it wants what it wants and it's sad when it doesn't get it.
It wants to exchange words. And (reminded of how badly it's been treated) it's ashamed for wanting that. And it wants to blame you for making it confident enough to think it deserves that.