Journal entry circa 2003-ish
For the new year I started cleaning out my shelves and lo and behold I found an old journal of mine. It's amusing to read what I've written back then and to realise how things have both changed and remained the same. This particular entry caught my eye, though it was too bad I didn't put the date on it. I chuckle at it now, yet I'm also aware that a part of me still feels this way:
I generally avoid contests. I guess I'm not that competitive, but it's mostly because I eye the competition to be more talented and qualified than me, that I don't deserve to be in the same league as them. Yes, I have some self-esteem issues, oh woe!
A lot of it is imagined, that I convinced myself that the competition is far better than me but when I see the entries I'd always think "I could do better than them! Damn! Why didn't I join?"
The only reason why I've joined a few contests in the past is because people have actually pushed, nay bullied me into joining. I remember back in high school my homeroom teacher and the rest of my class practically ganged up on me to join this essay writing contest. I suppose if you were in my place you'd probably give in and enter too, just so they could shut the hell up. So I joined that frigging contest.
And then I won. First place.
You know what's the weird thing about it? They weren't surprised that I won. Huh. I guess they all saw in me something that I myself never did. Something that I still cannot see.
Back in uni my sports coach once approached me and asked if I wanted to join the college fencing team. Look I loved fencing, but the thought of having to face these skillful fencers from other schools terrified me. So I said no.
Yes I generally dislike competition, but I know that deep down my fear is not because I might lose.
My fear is that I might win.
My deepest fear is changing the comfortable, ordinary me and becoming this complete stranger capable of doing amazing things. That scares the shit out of me.
I generally avoid contests. I guess I'm not that competitive, but it's mostly because I eye the competition to be more talented and qualified than me, that I don't deserve to be in the same league as them. Yes, I have some self-esteem issues, oh woe!
A lot of it is imagined, that I convinced myself that the competition is far better than me but when I see the entries I'd always think "I could do better than them! Damn! Why didn't I join?"
The only reason why I've joined a few contests in the past is because people have actually pushed, nay bullied me into joining. I remember back in high school my homeroom teacher and the rest of my class practically ganged up on me to join this essay writing contest. I suppose if you were in my place you'd probably give in and enter too, just so they could shut the hell up. So I joined that frigging contest.
And then I won. First place.
You know what's the weird thing about it? They weren't surprised that I won. Huh. I guess they all saw in me something that I myself never did. Something that I still cannot see.
Back in uni my sports coach once approached me and asked if I wanted to join the college fencing team. Look I loved fencing, but the thought of having to face these skillful fencers from other schools terrified me. So I said no.
Yes I generally dislike competition, but I know that deep down my fear is not because I might lose.
My fear is that I might win.
My deepest fear is changing the comfortable, ordinary me and becoming this complete stranger capable of doing amazing things. That scares the shit out of me.