well,

[lydiaravenmoon]

It is strange how I can sit here, and decide that I am worried about what others will think of the company I keep. Strange only because all throughout the most recent years of my life, probably the last five years or so, I have strived to stand out. I would even use the phrase "to stick out like a sore thumb" in order to describe my attitude for the last five years, but recently, I seem to have reverted to my childhood endeavors of wanting people to like me. Many people have enjoyed my company even as myself, and many people still do, but it is a yearning for acceptance. I suppose it started when she critcized my music, which in all honestly I should never have put up in the first place, for it was not my own, and she saw right through me. In a way I don't even think her cousin could. I admire her for that, and wish even more for her acceptance. I do not enjoy this feeling that I am losing touch with my so called originality. With the idea that I could be compared to 'Luna Lovegood', yet, I cannot help but know that I am simply going through some kind of transition into another life, as I have in the past. I still try for difference a bit, it isn't as though I take their clothes and make mine to be the same, or even deny that I do enjoy some mainstream music once in awhile, though no one really asks except Alyza that once. When I was discharged from that institution, I got online to explain myself, and I had nothing from her cousin, I don't think I even had anything from Aries, but from her, a note of real concern. "hey, are you okay?" That's it, those few simple words, and I knew that she did care a little, if only to spare her cousin the worry if I wasn't alright, if something really had happened. If her care for me is only masked care for him, it doesn't matter. I realize that she is bothered sometimes, just as I am, just as we all are, and I've come to see her as a person. Somehow though, she is still someone to live up to. I have put her on a pedastal. Since she came into the picture of my life, I have wanted to please all three of them with every action I take, and I think that might be why he has stopped speaking. He loved me when I was myself. Even he though, compared me to Alyza, when I told him of myself and Angel, and what we had done. "Alyza has always been able to resist him, I guess you must really have liked him. Go to him if you like him so much" He didn't speak to me after that either, not until he decided to tell me to stop saying I love him openly. You could tell he was still angry despite what he said, simply by what he said, and Aries, Alyza has always been there, has been her sister much longer than I have, and I compare myself to the stories she tells of their past, of before, when they first met, and when they were in school together. I know that I could never live up to that, and just last year, I wouldn't have cared, because they did love me for myself, and I guess they still do, my feelings are discouraged by recent events, but this year, I care so much. It bothers me so much that I will always be second...possibly even third in their eyes. It is the three of them together, that is how it was and has been for years, it is only this year that I have become so deeply involved, and I am still on the outside. I can not get through the tight knitting of their circle, because I cannot, and because I fear doing it. I fear breaking through it will make it impossible to sew back together....
Perhaps I should just give it up, become slight friends, but nothing more. I know that such a detatchment would be very emotionally difficult, but it may also be necessary...perhaps and perhaps not. All there is to do is wait and see. I will be back on my own two feet soon enough, and back inside my own self absorbed mind as well. There is nothing but open road ahead of me, and I must keep walking.