musings on the complexities of relationships
Brandon and I are going through a difficult period. It all boils down to one thing:
We've been taking everything too much, too fast.
He says he doesn't want to break up, but he wants to back down from all the love and marriage talk that we've been doing, and give us more time. He says he's confused. That he needs to prioritize his life and get himself settled -- get out of school, start working, all that.
Which is fine. Understandable.
I reacted badly on the phone when he last talked to me on Wednesday night. It came up quite suddenly and it was late; I didn't know what to do or what to say. I was hit with an emotional battering ram and it really broke me apart.
Now, however, I've had more time to think about it... and I know he's right. So much of me is still ridiculously insecure in relationships -- I've been pushing for all the seriousness and commitment because I thought that he wanted and needed it, and that I did too. I thought that if we had that, we'd both find safety and stability and that would be enough. In reality what has happened is we're drowning ourselves in our respective insecurities -- making them worse, even. I need to learn to feel confident and safe in this -- in just dating, in just being a girlfriend, in just being a friend -- before I can begin to think about being secure in a marriage.
I think what we have together is real -- but neither of us is comfortable enough or ready enough to keep up this pace. We need to back up a little, slow down a little, and stop looking so far ahead.
I wish I could tell him that he's right, that I just want to date him and be together and be happy and not worry about any more than that right now. But he said he needed a few days to think, so I've backed off and now I'm on tenterhooks. It's the waiting that hurts the most -- I don't know if I've already screwed everything up. I'm so afraid that I have. It tears me up inside.
I do love him. I don't want to lose what we have -- I want to slow it down, and give it time to settle and grow -- but I don't want to lose it.
Why do relationships have to be so difficult?
We've been taking everything too much, too fast.
He says he doesn't want to break up, but he wants to back down from all the love and marriage talk that we've been doing, and give us more time. He says he's confused. That he needs to prioritize his life and get himself settled -- get out of school, start working, all that.
Which is fine. Understandable.
I reacted badly on the phone when he last talked to me on Wednesday night. It came up quite suddenly and it was late; I didn't know what to do or what to say. I was hit with an emotional battering ram and it really broke me apart.
Now, however, I've had more time to think about it... and I know he's right. So much of me is still ridiculously insecure in relationships -- I've been pushing for all the seriousness and commitment because I thought that he wanted and needed it, and that I did too. I thought that if we had that, we'd both find safety and stability and that would be enough. In reality what has happened is we're drowning ourselves in our respective insecurities -- making them worse, even. I need to learn to feel confident and safe in this -- in just dating, in just being a girlfriend, in just being a friend -- before I can begin to think about being secure in a marriage.
I think what we have together is real -- but neither of us is comfortable enough or ready enough to keep up this pace. We need to back up a little, slow down a little, and stop looking so far ahead.
I wish I could tell him that he's right, that I just want to date him and be together and be happy and not worry about any more than that right now. But he said he needed a few days to think, so I've backed off and now I'm on tenterhooks. It's the waiting that hurts the most -- I don't know if I've already screwed everything up. I'm so afraid that I have. It tears me up inside.
I do love him. I don't want to lose what we have -- I want to slow it down, and give it time to settle and grow -- but I don't want to lose it.
Why do relationships have to be so difficult?