(Untitled)

[lyantra]

A friends girlfriend today has said that she wants to kill herself but doesn't have the energy. I am reminded of me far to much for my own comfort. She wants to pound it into her head that she isn't wanted. But she is, she just has connected herself to one person so much that she can't see (or develop) any other threads to life. He at elast had

Comments

Please...

[ayellowoblit]

I would appreciate if you didn't try to analyse me when you don't even know me... It might not matter to you, but I find it a tad frustrating seeing someone I don't know analysing my life and taking things the wrong way. If you want to know me, you can if you want.

True, I did in various ways say I wish to kill myself, I don't recall saying I don't have the energy. One thing you have to understand when reading my journal, is that most of the content is directed at myself, I don't usually direct its content to anyone but myself, and it is the readers choice to read it.

True, I am trying to get it into my head that I'm not wanted, so that I will let go. I care deeply, fiercly for one person, but I do have other people I know and care for, just because I do not mention them, does not mean they are not there. I did have friends before I met Koutetsu, and still have those friends, please don't assume that since I am not a people person that I don't have any form of contact with other people. I did tell him that I would be wiling to keep him as a friend, I'm just sorting myself out first.

Yes, not so much age, but I would say distance probably does play a strong part. Well, I felt I knew him, and I tied myself so much to him so much because I am a clingy person to those I am close to. Multitudes of friends? Well its a matter of personal choice, really, I choose to have several close friends, rather than lots of not so close friends, I find more support and security in only having a few close friends. I don't really like burdening others with my own problems, they really don't deserve it (with my journal, as I said I am usually directing its content at myself, not others). True, and he is not the only person I have in my life.

You could say I am depressive, I tend to go through quite extremees of moods at times though, and I'm just at a depressive extreme at the moment. I did not cut myself for attention, I cut myself for a distraction, I do not say I am going to kill myself for attention, I say it to express my feelings, in my, personal journal, where the content is directed at me. I believe I would if I had the proper means to do it quickly and without having time to think over it.

Yes, if I really wanted to kill myself, I would have, and no breaking up with someone can't kill them.

Re: Please... [Part Two]

[ayellowoblit]

Now, to clear this matter up, I did not sent him that picture. I put it in a a journal entry which he could see, but I had a link to it, and I believe a warming of its content, it was purely his own choice to view the picture, I was simply expressing myself. Now, as I said in a comment to your previous post, and I will say it again in hopes that you may actually remember it this time I was not saying that he deserves it, I was saying that I deserved it. Again, I didn't send it to him, he chose to look at it, and from the looks of it, even save it. Now another thing, I most deffinatly did NOT draw this picture to show him. It is called self expression, I was expressing my feelings at the tiime. I am not a very social person, so I express myself through my art, it is not a very uncommon thing to do. Lots of people express themselves in various different ways. I didn't draw it to make him feel anything, I drew it to express my emotions. Yes, I am blaming myself, no! I am not saying he deserves my pain, I was saying I deserve his pain. Please read my earlier comment, I believe I explained that the pictures words were directed at myself. It doesn't make sense because you are not seeing it the right way. If you read this, then it may actually make sense.

Thats your opinon, and yes, he probably is better off without me. Yes, he can grow into a nice happy normal, treny sheep like everyone else. (forgive my bitterness) Rather, yes he is now free to do as he chooses and what he likes.

I appreciate your concern, and yes I will get through it as its just another fence to hop over along the way. You may say that, but I will not get or seek to get psych help. I think I've had about enough of people I don't know attempting to analyse and misunderstanding me in the process. I do not need medication, I can figure myself out, I know why I want to hurt myself, I want to hurt myself because I blame myself for a lot of things. (no, it is not attention, I am not an attention hog and do not actively seek attention, with my journal, as I said, it is directed at me and those who read it do so by choice. I hurt myself as a form of punishment for being so stupid.

Please, before you attempt to analyse me, know me first. And don't just judge me and put me in this or that category.

Re: Please... [Part Two]

[lyantra]

In a true response to this, I thought that is what I did too. But I found that it was for the attention. Maybe you will to. I can only comment on things I know.

Expressing your feelings doesn't include a threat. It is stuff like "I feel like life is over" or "I feel as if killing myself would be right" or something like that. Not "I am only not killing myself on a faint glimmer of hope" or "If I had a gun I would probably be dead because it takes a lot less effort to pull a trigger than use a knife (here is where I got that you didn't have the energy)."

It's fine to go through a grieving process. It is another to actually think about killing yourself. Btw, that is one of the signs of severe depression. This is why I tell you psych help would be helpful. Maybe that side of the world could use a little more psych help.

And you can't tell me that an online, visible to the world journal is only for you. People wouldn't post them for the world to see if they didn't want people to see, know, and attempt to understand and maybe anylyze what they are feeling. Just for you doesn't apply.

All of this and more I would say. I didn't mean to point it at you. I write for attention. I didn't mean to hurt you or stereotype you (though without stereotypes, people would be frozen, trying to figure out what to do next). ::sighs:: I don't want to put you in a box and label you for all time. Don't let me then.

But hurting yourself is stupid and the worst thing you could do. It doesn't punish you, it punishes others. Don't be so selfish. You may be stupid at times, but cutting on yourself doesn't solve that or even address the problem! Why keep doing things that are only pointless and hurt others. If you really thought that you deserved the punishment, you would have tried/succeeded in suicide by now. Look deeper for the reasons.

Ignore all I have said if you like. As you say, your choice. But don't hate me because I said what I think. You wouldn't be you if it weren't for other people to talk about your, think about you without you in that process.

Sorry for hurting you. It wasn't my intent.

Re: Please... [Part Two]

[ayellowoblit]

I know what I do is not for attention of others, if anything it is to gain my own attention. I do not seek or want others attention, otherwise, I would indeed be hanging around lots of groups of people.

Since when can the expression of feelings be limited to something? People feel suicidal, its a feeling just like any other. I didn't write it as a threat, I was writing what I felt at the time. Letting my feelings pour out into words, it is a method of calming myself down. saying I feel like my life is over is an expression of my feelings, I never said anything about killing myself being 'right'. I am strongly against trying to label things as 'right' or 'wrong', 'good' or 'bad', who am I to judge whether a thing is right or not? It is an expression of feelings, feelings come in many forms, you can't limit what a feeling is, you can't limit the amount of words a person has to express a feeling. I said I was not killing myself on a faint glimmer of hope, because I thought that to be true. As with my other statement, I meant that using a knife is a more slow process, and you have the chance to pull out and think, wheras with a gun you simply pull the trigger, it could be on impulse, but it is a lot easier and involves a lot less thought. So, I believe if I did have agun, at some point during my life, I would have used it, I may have moods that switch around a lot, but they can be very powerful when I'm captured within one and I think I'd have had the strength to get myself to pull a trigger on a gun.

I don't really care which things are signs of what, I don't think I'd like psych help, I don't much like the idea of laying my mind and emotions bare before a stranger for them to analyse and categorise as they will. I don't think I really want to be turned into a typical normal teenager, going to parties, socialisingg, getting drunk, acting like an idiot, flurting, getting in car accidents, getting tangled in the fine web of social gossip. No, I don't much like that thought at all, I will not become some fool to simply go with the crowd so that everyone likes me, to judge people and backstab, to see only appearances and only be interested in sex, alcohol and parties. Some people may like it, and that is their own choise, I, however, do not.

Oh yes I can tell you that an online journal, visable to the world is solely for me, and I will tell you that. I have had online journals that no one has known of, and written the same type of content, in the same manner that I do in this journal. Don't make the mistake of assuming that because 'everyone' does this, for this reason you will not find a few black sheep here and there that don't apply to that rule. My journal, is for me, just as others, it was made, originally, with no one else knowing of it. People have added me as friends, and I have added them back, that was their choice, but I do not cater for the masses. Yes, it is selfish, but I cater to myself. I use my journal as a way to express what I am currently feeling, I can then go back, if I choose to, and perhaps analyse my thoughts myself, but I certainly do not post entries for other people to pour over. Just for me does indeed apply, and it is how I write in my journal, you may not like it, you may not agree with it, but it is the way do things.

I'm sorry but I saw a finger pointing directly at me, I don't think I would have minded if you had had your facts a ittle clearer and not tried to wrongly guess at my intentions. Hoever, I am not one to hold a grudge, and this is your own journal, where you are free to post what you may. I just found myself slightly offended that a complete stranger to me was attempting to analyse me and my actions. You may write for attention as you say, but that doesn't mean everyone else has to, I don't, its a simple fact, everyone is not the same. I'm glad that your intentions were helpful, as I decided to think rather than attempt to assume things about you just from a few words.

Re: Please... [Part Two Two]

[ayellowoblit]

Yes, I agree, it is stupid, but its a way for me to vent my frustration at myself. Oh it does punish me, and it does not punish others, unless of course I chose to yell from the rooftops "LOOK! I'VE HURT MYSELF! I'M BLEEDING!! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!", but I do not. I simply mentioned cutting myself in passing, a small thing within a while list of other things as you can see in my entry. I even left if so it could be thought that I cut myself by an accident, you see, you don't know, I simply said "I cut my arm". This was also an entry where I was simply letting my feelings out, I had cut my arm, I coudl feel that cut, so I wrote it. Don't be so selfish? Oh, so blaming myself for mostof the things that go wrong in my life is selfish, is it? Would you like me to share that blame with you perhaps? It is my own body, you don't know what I might do that I don't say. I know I am selfish at times, in what I request, but by hurting myself, I am not being selfish, especially considering I don't go and brag about it shoving it in everyones face. Cutting myself is a form of relief in convincing myself that I am getting the pain I deserve for having been so stupid in the past. It is far from pointless, the point is, for me to be recieving the pain I believe I deserve, it does not hurt others, if I do not let them know. Ahh, but you see, killing yourself, is only a brief moment of pain, thats far to easy, and I believe I deserve a lot of pain, but dieing would let me get away and escaping from any more pain, while, you see, living, now that is the real pain, living, and giving myself pain, I feel is what I deserve. I've hurt others? Well indeed more pain for me then!

I'm not in the habit of ignoring things and hoping they'll go away, I have read what you have said, and offered my explinations, be in in a rather bitter and cynical manner, but that is simply my mood at the moment so it cannot help but find its way into my writing. I don't hate you, I have know reason to hate you, you are indeed entitled to your own opinon, as I am mine.I know I wouldn't be me if it wasn't for the influences of other people, I am well aware of that, which is why I choose those that I surround myself with very carefully.

Well, it makes a nice change from physical pain. I know it wasn't your intent, and I hold no grudge against you for it.

And, you know, I see a little contradiction, you said I have no friends, apart from Koutetsu. But then you said that I write in my jorunal for attention, presumably from others, but what others would there be if I didn't have any friends?