(Untitled)

[lyantra]

A friends girlfriend today has said that she wants to kill herself but doesn't have the energy. I am reminded of me far to much for my own comfort. She wants to pound it into her head that she isn't wanted. But she is, she just has connected herself to one person so much that she can't see (or develop) any other threads to life. He at elast had

Comments

Re: Please... [Part Two]

[ayellowoblit]

I know what I do is not for attention of others, if anything it is to gain my own attention. I do not seek or want others attention, otherwise, I would indeed be hanging around lots of groups of people.

Since when can the expression of feelings be limited to something? People feel suicidal, its a feeling just like any other. I didn't write it as a threat, I was writing what I felt at the time. Letting my feelings pour out into words, it is a method of calming myself down. saying I feel like my life is over is an expression of my feelings, I never said anything about killing myself being 'right'. I am strongly against trying to label things as 'right' or 'wrong', 'good' or 'bad', who am I to judge whether a thing is right or not? It is an expression of feelings, feelings come in many forms, you can't limit what a feeling is, you can't limit the amount of words a person has to express a feeling. I said I was not killing myself on a faint glimmer of hope, because I thought that to be true. As with my other statement, I meant that using a knife is a more slow process, and you have the chance to pull out and think, wheras with a gun you simply pull the trigger, it could be on impulse, but it is a lot easier and involves a lot less thought. So, I believe if I did have agun, at some point during my life, I would have used it, I may have moods that switch around a lot, but they can be very powerful when I'm captured within one and I think I'd have had the strength to get myself to pull a trigger on a gun.

I don't really care which things are signs of what, I don't think I'd like psych help, I don't much like the idea of laying my mind and emotions bare before a stranger for them to analyse and categorise as they will. I don't think I really want to be turned into a typical normal teenager, going to parties, socialisingg, getting drunk, acting like an idiot, flurting, getting in car accidents, getting tangled in the fine web of social gossip. No, I don't much like that thought at all, I will not become some fool to simply go with the crowd so that everyone likes me, to judge people and backstab, to see only appearances and only be interested in sex, alcohol and parties. Some people may like it, and that is their own choise, I, however, do not.

Oh yes I can tell you that an online journal, visable to the world is solely for me, and I will tell you that. I have had online journals that no one has known of, and written the same type of content, in the same manner that I do in this journal. Don't make the mistake of assuming that because 'everyone' does this, for this reason you will not find a few black sheep here and there that don't apply to that rule. My journal, is for me, just as others, it was made, originally, with no one else knowing of it. People have added me as friends, and I have added them back, that was their choice, but I do not cater for the masses. Yes, it is selfish, but I cater to myself. I use my journal as a way to express what I am currently feeling, I can then go back, if I choose to, and perhaps analyse my thoughts myself, but I certainly do not post entries for other people to pour over. Just for me does indeed apply, and it is how I write in my journal, you may not like it, you may not agree with it, but it is the way do things.

I'm sorry but I saw a finger pointing directly at me, I don't think I would have minded if you had had your facts a ittle clearer and not tried to wrongly guess at my intentions. Hoever, I am not one to hold a grudge, and this is your own journal, where you are free to post what you may. I just found myself slightly offended that a complete stranger to me was attempting to analyse me and my actions. You may write for attention as you say, but that doesn't mean everyone else has to, I don't, its a simple fact, everyone is not the same. I'm glad that your intentions were helpful, as I decided to think rather than attempt to assume things about you just from a few words.

Re: Please... [Part Two Two]

[ayellowoblit]

Yes, I agree, it is stupid, but its a way for me to vent my frustration at myself. Oh it does punish me, and it does not punish others, unless of course I chose to yell from the rooftops "LOOK! I'VE HURT MYSELF! I'M BLEEDING!! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!", but I do not. I simply mentioned cutting myself in passing, a small thing within a while list of other things as you can see in my entry. I even left if so it could be thought that I cut myself by an accident, you see, you don't know, I simply said "I cut my arm". This was also an entry where I was simply letting my feelings out, I had cut my arm, I coudl feel that cut, so I wrote it. Don't be so selfish? Oh, so blaming myself for mostof the things that go wrong in my life is selfish, is it? Would you like me to share that blame with you perhaps? It is my own body, you don't know what I might do that I don't say. I know I am selfish at times, in what I request, but by hurting myself, I am not being selfish, especially considering I don't go and brag about it shoving it in everyones face. Cutting myself is a form of relief in convincing myself that I am getting the pain I deserve for having been so stupid in the past. It is far from pointless, the point is, for me to be recieving the pain I believe I deserve, it does not hurt others, if I do not let them know. Ahh, but you see, killing yourself, is only a brief moment of pain, thats far to easy, and I believe I deserve a lot of pain, but dieing would let me get away and escaping from any more pain, while, you see, living, now that is the real pain, living, and giving myself pain, I feel is what I deserve. I've hurt others? Well indeed more pain for me then!

I'm not in the habit of ignoring things and hoping they'll go away, I have read what you have said, and offered my explinations, be in in a rather bitter and cynical manner, but that is simply my mood at the moment so it cannot help but find its way into my writing. I don't hate you, I have know reason to hate you, you are indeed entitled to your own opinon, as I am mine.I know I wouldn't be me if it wasn't for the influences of other people, I am well aware of that, which is why I choose those that I surround myself with very carefully.

Well, it makes a nice change from physical pain. I know it wasn't your intent, and I hold no grudge against you for it.

And, you know, I see a little contradiction, you said I have no friends, apart from Koutetsu. But then you said that I write in my jorunal for attention, presumably from others, but what others would there be if I didn't have any friends?