God is bored (and there are twelve wolves)
God is bored (and there are twelve wolves)
OT12, Mentions of Super Junior, Shinee members
Attempt at crack, but mostly fail lol
He feels so heavy. The bed is usually warm and small. It is mid-autumn. Shouldn't the weather be cooling now? Why does it feel like hot, hot summer again…Unless!
Luhan thrashes out on his bed; who dares to sleep on his bed. No one sleeps on his bed! Unless they have a death wish.
Not even Minseok. Okay, maybe Minseok is possible. Since he's tidy and clean and like a stuffed dumpling, nice to cuddle and munch on.
HAHA.
Okay, now he sounds as borderline creepy as the Luhan in the fanfictions his fangirls write about him.
No, he doesn't read fanfiction written by fangirls about him and Minseok.
It's just....they happened to write Luhan's name, and for some reason, Minseok's also involved.
Yes, that's it.
Luhan is Lu-man and Lu-man does not read girly fanfictions ever. Never.
But back to the member on his bed.
Luhan kicked again, trying to get whoever the member is out of his precious bed, but suddenly his legs feels really sturdy...and short.
What in the world is happening?
For some strange reason, his eyes feel exceptionally heavy, like he had not slept all night.
Must be the aftermath of World Cup getting to him, though it had ended a couple of months ago.
But Luhan is an old man, so his nerves work slower to feel things than before.. (If being 25 and older than his members count as being old.)
Since the bed is still warm and small, Luhan did not manage to get rid of the member who dared to lie on his bed.
So he decided to scream, even if it means waking up the whole dorm. Because, no one ventures into Luhan's territory leaves unscathed.
''MOOOO!'
What was that?
Is all the milk he’d been drinking to grow taller finally getting to him that he starts mooing in the morning?
'MOOOO!'
That was really manly but what?
Luhan cracked an eye open, staring at the mirror in front of his bed.
What is this hideous creature in front of the mirror?
Even though it had pretty eyes, just like him…
Just like him, just like him, just like him?!?!?!?!
Luhan bolts up from his bed, or he attempts to.
His body is really heavy now.
He looks really white, and really ugly.
He's an ox!
Oh my god.
Forgive me, but what sin did I commit to deserve this?
Is this Karma?
I should have just let everyone sleep on my bed.
'Woof!'
"Woof-woof!'
There's a really cute puppy at his door.
Looking really confused and scared and...dark.
'Jongin!'
'Woof woof!'
Luhan promptly screamed and fainted.
When he came to, he found himself in the living room.
Ha. Maybe that was just some terrible dream.
Except there's a chicken with a mouse perched on top of it staring at him.
'He's awake!'
Luhan heard, or rather there's a series of clucking that seem like 'he’s awake'.
He's immediately swarmed by the many creatures around him.
There's a rabbit which looked really stressed and pacing around in circles, a tiger with thick whiskers and a dragon with a faraway look. Near the kitchen area, a horse and a sheep are deep in a squabble over who is not a friend of the snake, and a monkey with scary eyes looking at them like they're all idiots.
The rabbit stops pacing.
Good. Because Luhan is getting dizzy from watching the rabbit.
'So, it seems we have a crisis.''
It was faint, and no one caught it, except for Luhan.
Or because he is the only one looking at the rabbit. The rabbit sounds familiar, just like…
Junmyeon?
"Hey, listen to me! I'm your leader!'
Alas, his cries were buried over the noise the rest of the animals, or actually his members’ voices are making.
A sudden roar resonates through the dorm.
Time freezes, as if Tao’s superpower is real and he had stop time.
The rabbit looked caught between wanting to sigh in relief or to run in fright.
'Rawr rawr rawr rawr.'
Or a better interpretation would be 'Quit making noise and listen to Junmyeon!'
No one spoke a word, or rather, cluck, moo, squeak, you get the idea.
Because the tiger looks scary.
Until it promptly trip on air.
The goat and horse are now rolling on the floor, laughing at the stupidity of events.
Luhan can understand why the monkey had judged them like idiots, because they are idiots.
Even as a tiger, Kris never fails to fail.
The rabbit sigh in exasperation. The dragon move to help him up.
'As you can. s--'
"As you can see, we are now the 12 animals of the zodiac. We have no idea why this happened, but our concert is in a week's time.. We are screwed."
The chicken starts sobbing.
The pig looks ecstatic to hear the news. He can now sleep and not care about practicing.
Everything is a giant mess.
Luhan wants to faint again.
But wait. Why does the monkey sounds like Kyungsoo?
Like Kyungsoo speaking in a human voice?
'Moo moo moo! moo moo mooo mooooo?"
"Because I'm a monkey and monkeys are the closest to being a human. This means I’m the most intelligent out of you animals and human language has nothing on me.”
The snake looked like it wants to bite the monkey, but shrunk when the monkey, no, Kyungsoo stared at it, as if daring the snake to make a move.
But the snake is talkative, and despite the threat of the monkey, it speaks.
'I don't have a neck! You can't do your jujitsu move on me! Kkaessong!'
The snake, now identified as Baekhyun hissed gleefully.
'I can't strangle you, but I can tie you in a knot.'
The snake slings away hurriedly and coil itself round the goat, which stomps its feet and make dying meh sounds, trying to get the snake uncoil itself, but in vain and much to the horse's delight.
Apparently the idea of a cold-blooded reptile is repulsive, never mind the fact that it is Baekhyun, the one who used to be part of the beagle line with Jongdae and Chanyeol. Someone who they are close to. Or at least until this happen. Jongdae is relieved that Baekhyun chose Chanyeol over him. He's fine with being just a good friend to Baekhyun. Good friends have no obligation to stick together all the time, unlike best friends.
'Jongdae, save me! Help me get this reptile away from me!'
The snake gives a wounded look, or it tries to, because beady eyes don't work as well as puppy eyes.
Beady eyes just made Bsekhyun more cunning and sinister than usual.
Fortunately for Baekhyun, there’s still someone for him.
'Baekhyun ah, you want to sit on my back and rest? If we can't change back, maybe we can find a way to leave our dorm in the middle of night to visit your grandma's house!''
'Yixing hyung is the best!'
"Rawr rawr!'
'What do you want, Kris?'
"It's Kris hyung to you, Kyung soo. And I'm mad, why is Yixing the dragon and me a tiger? I'm supposed to be the dragon, I'm the one who the world awaits and I can fly."
'Ge!!! We're so dead and all you care is that you ought to be a dragon? How about me? I can't do wushu with my wings flapping like a chicken!'
'You are a chicken.'
'Shut up, Sehun. Your grunt is hella unattractive and guesses what? You totally fit as a pig because you're so lazy. Guess you have a legitimate excuse now.'
'You did not just insult me, you flappy chicken!'
'Squeak squeak! Squeakkk. Squeak squeak squeak!"
Minseok!
Oh. Minseok, even as a rat, he looks like the cute mouse in Tom and Jerry. What was the mouse name again? Jerry? Or was it Tom?
Whatever.
The point is, Minseok as a rat, retains his puffy cheeks and is still the most adorable member in Exo.
Once a baozi, always a baozi.
Why can't Luhan be like Minseok?
Why did Luhan have to change to a ugly ox, which had to spend its entire life on the field and carry heavy stuff?
Carrying heavy stuff is manly, but this makes him sweaty and sweating makes him dirty and Minseok is a clean freak. Being a clean freak means that Minseok will not want to be close to Luhan, who is dirty. Minseok will avoid him and Luhan will die from rejection and loneliness.
But Minseok is chatting happily with Horseie Jongdae., who throws a smug look in Luhan's direction.
Stupid Jongdae. Like a horse is any better than an ox.
‘Luhan hyung. At least I don’t roll like a buffalo. “
Why this insolent brat. Even as a horse, Jongdae is still a troll.
And a really tall troll, now that he is a horse and his eyelashes are as long as ever.
Which brings back to the question of why is he the ox.
He could be the horse! Or the rabbit, because rabbit and mouse are both small creatures, and small creatures go well together.
‘Because you are the second eldest of the group, so you are chosen to represent the ox.’
Who is speaking?
‘God here.’
No kidding. But since when God meddles in stuff like this?
‘God does not meddle in stuff like this. But God is bored and he seeks joy in seeing people suffer and watch how they overcome obstacles in life to become a better person.’
‘We are freaking animals now. What better person?’ Angry chicken is angry.
‘Emm, even though I have yet to graduate from college, I’m sure humans are also animals, but larger in population compared to the other animals.’
‘Shut up, Jongin! Go back to sleep! The world is alright with one less opinion.’
Puppy Jongin visibly wilted in his corner. Rabbit Junmyeon shoot a disapproving glare at chicken Tao.
‘So how can we change back to being human?’
Finally a voice of logic, mouse Minseok. Bless Minseok.
“You can, only if you manage to master your superpowers before your first concert.”
‘Deal. I always wanted to fly.”
Of course Kris had to be different from the rest again. If Kris had been embarrassing the group with his dump antics in the past, he is now bringing himself and the rest of the members to doom now. Luhan really wants to kill someone now. And Kris is first on his target list.
A loud neh shook up the dorm, Monkey Kyungsoo had Jongdae in a headlock, and Jongdae looks like he’s gonna die from lack of air. Funny how his horse face is turning slightly green, like Hulk. Rabbit Junmyeon bounce up from where he is resting on the sofa and scrabble to save Jongdae from dying. After some useless pawing from Junmyeon with the harmless rabbit paws, Kyungsoo finally let go of Jongdae.
‘What the hell?!!? What have I done for you to chock me to death?” A half-dead Jongdae catching his breath and stomping his feet. His mane is in a mess now; it looks like it had been electrified. Some of the dust that flew when Jongdae stomps sends goat Chanyeol into a coughing fit.
“My superpower is earth - power. I just display my abilities. So I can turn back to a human now. Yixing hyung you should heal Jongdae now while he needs it so you can exhibit your power to this God.”
Luhan gasps (moos). Kyungsoo is a genius. Monkeys are really smart, maybe he should be one when he reincarnates.
Dragon Yixing looks on blankly. What should he do? How do you heal a horse whose neck is hurting? Should he pretend to heal it, like he did to Hyung Don hyung on Weekly idol? Or should he really get the first-aid box from Junmyeon to treat Jongdae? Or should he. -
“Here.’
A huge salonpas is shoved into Yixing’s hands, or are they claws actually? They look pretty cool now that he really looks at them. The rabbit beside him nudges him urgently, its eyes red with anxiety, with a hint of envy. Sigh. Guess he has to obey his leader. Because Yixing is a kind person. Bye claws, bye dragon.He will miss them when he turns back into human.
With an anguished shriek, the salonpas is slapped onto Horseie Jongdae.
Tiger Kris is sad. Dragon Yixing cannot change back to human Yixing, even though Kris is the real dragon here, wrapped in a tiger’s skin. He needs to stop him now! Taking a leap of faith (because tigers are good at jumping right?), Kris soars into the air to rip the damned salonpas out of Yixing’s claws. Except that he falls, and it hurts. But then there’s long limbs dangling in an awkward mess and his face feels a lot less scratchy.
A pool of water gathers near his face and he looks down. A handsome man with angry bird eyebrows stares back at him. Beside the handsome man, a face that seems all too familiar to his co-leader appears.
Meanwhile, Yixing who is oblivious to his other leader’s turmoil feels himself getting smaller and smaller, his porcelain skin once again surfacing underneath the rough scales of his past dragon self.
‘Welcome back hyung.’ Kyungsoo extends his hand out to Yixing, who is still in shock at his transformation. Sitting on the floor, Junmyeon sobs in relief. Who knew that crying is the way to unlease his power of controlling water? Man, all the ugly crying at the first win of ‘Wolf’ actually helps him to save himself.
‘Yo swag, Kris is back and Kris is my style. I should clean my face and do a facial to regain my smooth, silky skin.’ Kris mumbles to himself and went back to his room. His face takes precedent over the rest of the group.
By now, the rest of the members are either in shock, amazed or in a brainstorm (working up a storm) trying to figure out how to use their superpowers that SM had so ‘brilliantly’ thought of. But what can they do? The four members got lucky, but God Kyuhyun is sure that the remaining eight will stay the way they are now. Because they aren’t many bright people in this world and definitely not twelve all at one place. God Kyuhyun will win this.
The room feels cooler than usual. In fact, it feels almost like winter now. Like the movie Frozen when everything freeze over.
Is the world ending sooner than Luhan thought?
Either that, or….
Minseok, despite his tiny self, is fixing his gaze at God Kyuhyun, with eyes so cold that even Luhan couldn’t help but shudder. He never wants to be on the receiving end of this stare, ever. Then, Minseok smirks. Luhan can feel the fireworks exploding in his heart. Why is Minseok so Minseok even when he is a rat?
Poof!
Rat Minseok is a baozi, correction, human Minseok again. But Luhan is still an ox. Why is his life so miserable?
MInseok, as soon as he returns into a human, wastes no time in shouting out orders.
‘Jongdae-ah, Sehun-ah. Before the temperature rises, use your powers!’
With the help of Yixing and Junmyeon, Pig Sehun finds himself operating a MPF9B power fan, his piggy tail entangled with the wire of the power fan.
‘Are you sure this will work?’ A doubtful pig Sehun deadpans. ‘I hope it doesn’t! Why did SM gave me lightning as my power? I swear, if I survive this, I’m gonna convince them to give me a new, less dangerous power.’ Jongdae’s tail is attached to the head of the plug and inserted into the outlet.
‘E -E-E- Electric Shock!’ An excited snake Baekhyun sings at the top of his lungs, his body (or it is just a really long tail?) swaying to the beat of the song. The sight is both fascinating and disconcerting. Because how did he manage to dance in this body? And he moves so fast that it rivals Jongin’s dancing in ‘Overdose’. Maybe Baekhyun can be the lead dancer and Luhan can become the main vocal.
‘Okay. Is everyone ready? I’m gonna switch on the power!’ Junmyeon places his hands on the switch; his voice determined but his hands tremble. A hysterical Jongdae starts struggling, but Minseok and Kyungsoo hold him firmly in place. Sehun maintains a poker face but his eyes shine with unshed tears.
‘NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!’ Luhan would laugh at Jongdae’s imitation of Running Man’s Kwangsoo if not for the fact that he is still an ox.
The wind howls and lightning bolts through the sky. The MPF9B spins throughout the ordeal, uncaring to the two members’ predicament. Light goes out, putting the Exo’s dorm to darkness.
‘Darkness in the sky but lights up in my eyes. Kkaessong. I have eyes that glow in the dark!’
‘It’s ‘Darkness in my eyes but lights up in the sky’. A face covered in cucumbers appears next to Baekhyun. Chanyeol manage to grab a lighter and a candle using his front ‘legs’, lighting up the dorms. He shrieks when he sees the cucumber laden face and drops the lit candle. Sehun puff out his cheeks and blow; the fire gets bigger. This is fun.
A bucket of water is emptied on Sehun and the fire. Junmyeon is not amused, even though he is relieved to see that Sehun and Jongdae have changed back. Miraculously, Baekhyun and Chanyeol, by a stroke of luck, are also humans again.
‘At first I was afraid, I was petrified~~’ A slice, no, many slices of cucumber find their way into Jongdae’s mouth, shutting the main vocal up. A flustered Jongdae chokes and hurriedly spits out the offensive cucumber slices.
‘What the hell, Kris!’
‘It’s Kris hyung to you, and it’s been half an hour. I can remove the cucumber mask. Now I need my beauty sleep and dream of my galaxy.’ Kris leaves the living room once again, back to his bed.
There are three remaining animals, or rather, three members who are still animals. And of course Luhan is one of them. Why is that not surprising. His numerous demonstrations of superpower are always edited out in broadcast. This is awesome. Him, the mega pretty but really manly Luhan, who may or may have an unhealthy obsession with his best friend aka Baozi, is going to stay an ox for the rest of his life while watching his Baozi being harassed by ten other members.
Next to him, Sehun gives him a knowing smirk and proceed to place his arms on Minseok’s shoulders, mouthing ‘mine’ to a fuming Luhan. That brat. To think Luhan buys him bubble tea every time he asks. Never again. When he changes back. If he ever changes back.
Jongin whines an ‘I’m tired’ to the fiery Tao who is still clucking furiously, his feathers dropping and scattered around him.
Others, who have reverted back to humans, feel fatigue kicking in. It has been a long suffering day; the three members can wait tomorrow.
‘I’m going to sleep first.’ Traitor Kyungsoo mutters and the rest follow suit. Minseok shoots a guilty smile to Luhan as he is whisked away by the oblivious (but secretly evil) Yixing.
Jongin looks at Tao and Luhan. Should we sleep too? The piercing glare from Tao is enough to let Jongin cowered in fear and slowly slink away from sight, presumably to find a spot to sleep. Luhan doses off, even though he keeps jerking awake every time his legs are about to give away while sleeping.
For dinner, Chanyeol takes the liberty of plucking grass from their neighbourhood to give it to Luhan. Luhan wants to stomp him to his death, but Chanyeol is a kind person, just extremely dumb. Jongin gets a drumstick, which is not fair; because why Jongin gets proper food and his favourite chicken even when he’s a puppy? Tao has no food because he refuses to eat after 6pm, they’re having their first concert soon and he needs to be in top condition, even if he’s now a chicken.
After a less than sumptuous dinner, the group settles down to discuss on how to help their three remaining members.
‘How about we film Jongin jumping from place to place and edit it like what Weekly idol did to show that Jongin has the power of teleporting?’
‘Good idea, but I prefer originality.’ Puppy Jongin expresses.
Eleven pairs of eyes glare at him. Puppy Jongin cowers but stand firms in his ground. He condemns plagiarism.
Chanyeol scoops up Jongin and scowls at anyone who dares to say thing against Jongin. How dare anyone hurt his favourite dongsaeng?
‘Actually, Jongin specializes in ballet. Look at this gif his fans made. He moves so fast it’s inhumane!’
All twelve members glue their eyes to the monitor; fascinated by the gif. It’s so fast it feels almost like watching a horror movie where the ghost moves at the speed of light and bam! It’s in your face before you know it.
Puppy Jongin looks hopeful, until he realizes that he is a puppy; how is he going to pull off that move with his short legs?
But Kyungsoo will have none of that. With a raise of his hand, Sehun and Yixing scampered to help Jongin with the move. Dog or not, he is going to do it. He would rather become the first dog ballerina (perhaps the real life version of the all-rounder dog Mr. Peabody) than incur the wrath of Kyungsoo, the spawn of Satan.
‘Good news! Luhan hyung is the first member of EXO to reach 2 million followers on instagram.’ An zealous Yixing exclaims while scanning the search results for ‘How to turn into a human’.
‘But I’m the first one to join Instagram. Why is it not me?’ A disgruntled Kris grumbles.
‘If you actually update it regularly and didn’t take a hiatus from EXO it would have been you, hyung.’ Jongdae speaks up, an emerging yawn threatening to split his face.
‘You’re lucky you’re cute and I’m in a good mood, or you can say bye to your fangirls, and if I’m feeling particularly mean, I would tell Liyin noona of her picture on your wall.’
‘You dare to! I’m gonna…’
Amidst Jongdae’s and Kris’ bickering, Luhan is thinking hard. He has reached 2 million followers on Instagram, what is the significance of this? If he writes anything on it, his fans are sure to like it a million times, retweet his words on twitter, tumblr it and worship it like Jesus has come back.
Like Jesus…like Jesus…Someone important, someone who can save the world.
This is it.
‘Someone take the camera!’ Luhan all but moos to his members.
Everyone is confused. Even Jongin has stopped dancing, which is great, because he’s really dizzy from twirling in circles for the past thirty minutes.
‘Shoot me! I need a nice photo to upload to put on instagram.’
Silence greets him. A tentative Junmyeon starts singing ‘Someone call the doctor’ in the background, with Baekhyun and Jongdae acting as background vocals.
This bunch of idiots. Can’t they see? If Luhan has two million followers, he could use the power of his followers to change back.
Luhan stomps his feet. The ground shakes, and it feels almost like the beginning of an earthquake. Junmyeon stops singing and scurries to find the best camera he has. Within minutes, he produces the latest model of the Canon DSRL. Luhan visibly lightens up. The perks of having a rich leader. But that’s not important. What’s important is that he has to inform his fans of his plight. Luhan positions himself in front of the DSRL, putting on his best ox eyes (Not as good as his bambi eyes, but still sparkling like the brightest star in universe) in what seem like an endearing yet piteous expression.
With the aid of Sehun, the instragram king who updates every breathing moment of his life, Luhan uploads the photo to Instagram, with the words ‘I’m a little upset now…’
The reaction is instantaneous. Within minutes, he has gotten at least 200k of likes, 113,911 comments, encouraging Luhan to cheer up and they will pray for him and his happiness.
The number one trending topic on twitter which was #f(x) is back, #redlight, swiftly change to #prayforLuhan, #Luhan cheer up, #Luhan is the best, etc in the next hour.
It’s chaos up in the heavens. Angels are busy putting out scrolls and scrolls of prayers, all laid out for God Kyuhyun. They are all related to Luhan, from the calm fangirls pleading God to save Luhan to the bat shit crazy fangirls who threatened to stop believing in him if Luhan does not cheer up.
Angel Henry starts playing a dramatic version of Fantastic, a new song he just written, further emphasizing the seriousness of the situation. Kyuhyun feels a migraine coming up. Angel Donghae and Angel Eunhyuk dance along to the tune, coming up the choreography to the song.
‘Ryeowook! Bring this sacred water to that Prince of China now! His fangirls are giving me a headache.’
Angel Ryeowook nods, his dainty fingers grasping the precious bottle of sacred water and flying down at the 8000km per minute to the dorms of the twelve boys. He could have flown faster but that might spill the sacred water. Sacred water is scarce; no point wasting it on a human boy, though said boy is almost as influential as God Kyuhyun himself.
He lands gracefully, but the chicken at his feet is scaring him. It’s holding a wooden chopstick and waving it around using its claws. Its beak is dangerously close; almost as if it wants to peck him to death. Even if he is an angel, if the chicken as much as peck a hole in his gown, he is going to punish the chicken. Like making the chicken drowned in water. Or roast the chicken over the fire and prepared a chicken feast for the other angels. Angel Onew is a chicken fanatic; he is bound to provide valuable feedback for his culinary skills.
Oh God, even when he is now billions of miles away from God Kyuhyun, he still cannot escape from God Kyuhyun’s evil mind and he is slowly becoming like him. Ryeowook shudders, feeling a sense of despair creeping up on him. Surely God Kyuhyun is not omnipresent?
“I am surely omnipresent, as well as being omnipotent and omniscient. Do you not read the bible?”
Angel Ryeowook could only lower his head in shame. He ought to return to school to study again.
‘You should, but now, focus on your task.’
‘Yes, God.’
Angel Ryeowook brings the bottle of sacred water to his chest, closing his eyes and focusing his mind to locate the human boy Luhan. Turns out that there was no need to. Because the boy is an ox now, and just like the idiom that humans came up with, ‘A bull in a china shop’, Ryeowook can hear the telltale signs of glass breaking in the living room. He makes his way to the living room with the grace of an angel, considering that he is an angel.
There are 10 pair of human eyes staring at him as he entered; Ryeowook can feel a sense of pride swelling within him; he is amazing, and humans are acknowledging his awesomeness and stunned by his grace. So Ryeowook was not prepared for the words that came next.
“Hyung, what are you doing here?’
How dare they speak to him like they know him? Angel Ryeowook feels disrespected.
‘But we know you! Are you alright, Ryeowook hyung? It’s been chaos here. We got turned into the twelve animals of the zodiac by God, and only ten of us managed to turn back into humans. Luhan hyung and Tao are still ox and chicken! We’re less than a week away from our first concert and why did this happened to Exo!!’
A hysterical Junmyeon sobs pitifully as he relates the weird happening to Angel Ryeowook. Ryeowook almost feel sorry for him, but his crying is too ugly and his gown is getting dirtied by the snot that the human is producing. So he says the only thing that came to his mind.
‘Because God is bored and he seeks joy in seeing people suffer and watch how they overcome obstacles in life to become a better person.’
Collective gasps resound in the living room. Why do hyung’s words sound so eerily familiar? Where has the sweet hyung of Super Junior gone to?
Even the usually calm Kyungsoo starts hyperventilating, his breaths coming out in short gasps. The world must be ending, which is why he is hearing all these demonic words.
‘Listen, I’m not your sweet hyung, but Angel Ryeowook who is under the order of God Kyuhyun -‘
‘You must be his sidekick.’ A cheeky Sehun chirps.
Angel Ryeowook glares at the maknae of Exo, which proves to be slightly uncomfortable because the boy is much taller than him. But Ryeowook is an angel. Good angels do not squabble with humans, even if they are annoying.
‘As I was saying, I am on my mission to pass this sacred water to the human boy Luhan so that he can turn back human. God Kyuhyun has decided to spare the boy from further suffering.’
More like to spare his ears from suffering having to listen to Luhan’s billion fangirls wailing. But Ryeowook will not disclose this fact; he has to be loyal to his God.
A tall, lanky guy with big ears grabs Ryeowook by his shoulders and pleads with his eyes that are brimming with tears.
‘You have to save Jongin and Tao too! Look at Jongin! Don’t you think that he is so pitiful, spinning in circles just because he wants to demonstrate his teleporting skills? And Tao! Tao…is too noisy! He will interfere when me and Yixing hyung composes music. If Yixing hyung is disturbed, he will lose his focus and get into a gloomy mood. When Yixing hyung becomes gloomy, he will compose depressing music and I will be influenced then! I need to maintain my happy virus image!’
Chanyeol all but shoves Puppy Jongin into his hands. A hesitant Jongin stares at Ryeowook, his eyes wide and begging, seemingly to say ‘I’m a cute human trapped in a dog’s body. Save me! Bbuing Bbuing~’
Ryeowook wants to melt into a puddle of goo, because he cannot resist puppy eyes. He always wanted a puppy but Angel Henry is allergic to puppies, or actually, anything less than an angel. Even though the Chanyeol guy looks really weird with his yoda ears, since he asked for his help so earnestly, he shall help him.
“Just do a spin at the speed of 180km/h, and you will be alright. And cow Luhan, please stand still and receive the holy water, so sacred that you are extremely lucky to be the first human to receive it from God. ’
On hearing his name, Luhan almost knock over Baekhyun, who was standing in his way to angel Ryeowook, in his way to being human again. Baekhyun let out a yelp at being whacked aside, his body crashing into an oblivious Kris, who, instead of holding on to Baekhyun to steady themselves since he is so much taller and bigger in built, frails and fall down along with Baekhyun.
God of Variety really favors Kris.. Jongdae and Minseok guffaw from where they are seated; ben ben duizhang and dumb Baekhyun. But all eyes are on Jongin and Luhan now.
Jongin takes a deep breath and breaks into a groundbreaking spin. He spins from the living room to the kitchen and back again, covering 400m in mere 7.9 seconds, within the stipulated 180km/h.
It’s amazing, how he spins starting as a puppy and returns as a human. Sehun could not stop gaping in awe. Junmyeon is so touched he breaks down into tears. Kyungsoo hugs Jongin in joy, thankful for his dongsaeng’s return.
‘Now your turn.’
Luhan feels the first drop of water hitting his forehead. Then he feels a searing pain spreads through his body, like a virus. It hits him like a tornado, he desperately wants to hide from the pain, but he can’t avoid it. With baleful eyes, Luhan struggles to speak.
‘What…what have you done...to me?’
Minseok stares in horror as his best friend rolls on the ground, his body burning from pain. But he is not the only one. Everyone else, even Angel Ryeowook has no idea what just transpired. Just as a grief-stricken Yixing was about to lash out at Ryeowook for hurting his friend, a familiar voice speaks up from above.
‘My dear Exo, didn’t I say that people have to undergo suffering and pain before they can become a stronger, better person? Besides, because of his brilliant idea of posting onto Instagram, do you know how many hours of wailing I had to endure from those fangirls?’
“How long will he be like this?’
‘At least an hour more? Depends on my mood. Anyway, stop asking me questions. I have a Starcraft tournament with the devil in six months’ time and I need to start training now. ’
Yixing looks ready to kill now, if not for the fact that he is the healing unicorn, and they are not supposed to take lives, but save them. Not that he could kill God anyway.
Sehun and Jongin huddled in a corner, weeping for their suffering hyung.
‘What about me?! I want to change back to human too!’ A petulant Tao whined.
‘Simple, you just had to summon the power of time control.’ Angel Ryeowook spoke up.
‘What?’
Angel Ryeowook lets out an exasperated sigh. Why are human beings so slow?
‘Don’t you watch Running man? Did you not see how Haroro summons his power of time control? Just recite the words and you’ll be fine.’
And with a flash of light, he is gone.
Seriously what.
How dare the Angel makes him do embarrassing things.
But alas, he has to, in order to return to human and be his most perfect condition for their first concert.
It took Tao ten tries before he could got it right, as he stumbles over the words and the members laughing at him are not helping. At all.
Fortunately, the twelve members have finally escaped from the nightmare, especially Luhan, who suffered for exactly one hour before he was normal again. The only good thing is that Minseok is always fussing over him now, citing that he only knew how important Luhan is to me when he saw him hurting. The only bad thing is, Minseok does not want to lose his best friend because of God’s prank. Did God’s prank not tell Minseok how much more important Luhan is to Minseok, not just as a best friend?
Meanwhile, back at heaven...
God Kyuhyun is annoyed. He thought that the Exo members will not be able to survive this ordeal. They have exceeded his expectations, turned back into humans and now his source of entertainment is gone. He is bored. What should he do now? Why is life so harsh to him? Taking away his joy so early?
Suddenly, he starts hearing voices; voices of excited fangirls.
‘Taemin oppa is so pretty! He’s prettier than me, omo!!!”
‘But Key oppa is cute too! His feline eyes and fluffy hair! GYAHHHHH~~~”
The two girls continued arguing over who is the better member in SHINee, and who is actually prettier, but God Kyuhyun has long tuned out on their conversation, he has mastered this skill ever since billions of strangers start praying to him, every single nano second. He may be God, but God is not a genie; he refuses to grant people their wishes. If they want it, they have to work for it. Whether they achieve what they want or not does not concern him. He is this kind of God.
Hmm…maybe I should turn SHINee into girls and see how they react when they wake up tomorrow morning?
Evil crackles echo in vast sky for the rest of the afternoon, and Angel Ryeowok could only shake his head and sigh. How is God Kyuhyun, the devil in disguise, the God? A mystery that Sherlock has yet to solve.
‘Oh I’m so curious yeah!!’
OT12, Mentions of Super Junior, Shinee members
Attempt at crack, but mostly fail lol
He feels so heavy. The bed is usually warm and small. It is mid-autumn. Shouldn't the weather be cooling now? Why does it feel like hot, hot summer again…Unless!
Luhan thrashes out on his bed; who dares to sleep on his bed. No one sleeps on his bed! Unless they have a death wish.
Not even Minseok. Okay, maybe Minseok is possible. Since he's tidy and clean and like a stuffed dumpling, nice to cuddle and munch on.
HAHA.
Okay, now he sounds as borderline creepy as the Luhan in the fanfictions his fangirls write about him.
No, he doesn't read fanfiction written by fangirls about him and Minseok.
It's just....they happened to write Luhan's name, and for some reason, Minseok's also involved.
Yes, that's it.
Luhan is Lu-man and Lu-man does not read girly fanfictions ever. Never.
But back to the member on his bed.
Luhan kicked again, trying to get whoever the member is out of his precious bed, but suddenly his legs feels really sturdy...and short.
What in the world is happening?
For some strange reason, his eyes feel exceptionally heavy, like he had not slept all night.
Must be the aftermath of World Cup getting to him, though it had ended a couple of months ago.
But Luhan is an old man, so his nerves work slower to feel things than before.. (If being 25 and older than his members count as being old.)
Since the bed is still warm and small, Luhan did not manage to get rid of the member who dared to lie on his bed.
So he decided to scream, even if it means waking up the whole dorm. Because, no one ventures into Luhan's territory leaves unscathed.
''MOOOO!'
What was that?
Is all the milk he’d been drinking to grow taller finally getting to him that he starts mooing in the morning?
'MOOOO!'
That was really manly but what?
Luhan cracked an eye open, staring at the mirror in front of his bed.
What is this hideous creature in front of the mirror?
Even though it had pretty eyes, just like him…
Just like him, just like him, just like him?!?!?!?!
Luhan bolts up from his bed, or he attempts to.
His body is really heavy now.
He looks really white, and really ugly.
He's an ox!
Oh my god.
Forgive me, but what sin did I commit to deserve this?
Is this Karma?
I should have just let everyone sleep on my bed.
'Woof!'
"Woof-woof!'
There's a really cute puppy at his door.
Looking really confused and scared and...dark.
'Jongin!'
'Woof woof!'
Luhan promptly screamed and fainted.
When he came to, he found himself in the living room.
Ha. Maybe that was just some terrible dream.
Except there's a chicken with a mouse perched on top of it staring at him.
'He's awake!'
Luhan heard, or rather there's a series of clucking that seem like 'he’s awake'.
He's immediately swarmed by the many creatures around him.
There's a rabbit which looked really stressed and pacing around in circles, a tiger with thick whiskers and a dragon with a faraway look. Near the kitchen area, a horse and a sheep are deep in a squabble over who is not a friend of the snake, and a monkey with scary eyes looking at them like they're all idiots.
The rabbit stops pacing.
Good. Because Luhan is getting dizzy from watching the rabbit.
'So, it seems we have a crisis.''
It was faint, and no one caught it, except for Luhan.
Or because he is the only one looking at the rabbit. The rabbit sounds familiar, just like…
Junmyeon?
"Hey, listen to me! I'm your leader!'
Alas, his cries were buried over the noise the rest of the animals, or actually his members’ voices are making.
A sudden roar resonates through the dorm.
Time freezes, as if Tao’s superpower is real and he had stop time.
The rabbit looked caught between wanting to sigh in relief or to run in fright.
'Rawr rawr rawr rawr.'
Or a better interpretation would be 'Quit making noise and listen to Junmyeon!'
No one spoke a word, or rather, cluck, moo, squeak, you get the idea.
Because the tiger looks scary.
Until it promptly trip on air.
The goat and horse are now rolling on the floor, laughing at the stupidity of events.
Luhan can understand why the monkey had judged them like idiots, because they are idiots.
Even as a tiger, Kris never fails to fail.
The rabbit sigh in exasperation. The dragon move to help him up.
'As you can. s--'
"As you can see, we are now the 12 animals of the zodiac. We have no idea why this happened, but our concert is in a week's time.. We are screwed."
The chicken starts sobbing.
The pig looks ecstatic to hear the news. He can now sleep and not care about practicing.
Everything is a giant mess.
Luhan wants to faint again.
But wait. Why does the monkey sounds like Kyungsoo?
Like Kyungsoo speaking in a human voice?
'Moo moo moo! moo moo mooo mooooo?"
"Because I'm a monkey and monkeys are the closest to being a human. This means I’m the most intelligent out of you animals and human language has nothing on me.”
The snake looked like it wants to bite the monkey, but shrunk when the monkey, no, Kyungsoo stared at it, as if daring the snake to make a move.
But the snake is talkative, and despite the threat of the monkey, it speaks.
'I don't have a neck! You can't do your jujitsu move on me! Kkaessong!'
The snake, now identified as Baekhyun hissed gleefully.
'I can't strangle you, but I can tie you in a knot.'
The snake slings away hurriedly and coil itself round the goat, which stomps its feet and make dying meh sounds, trying to get the snake uncoil itself, but in vain and much to the horse's delight.
Apparently the idea of a cold-blooded reptile is repulsive, never mind the fact that it is Baekhyun, the one who used to be part of the beagle line with Jongdae and Chanyeol. Someone who they are close to. Or at least until this happen. Jongdae is relieved that Baekhyun chose Chanyeol over him. He's fine with being just a good friend to Baekhyun. Good friends have no obligation to stick together all the time, unlike best friends.
'Jongdae, save me! Help me get this reptile away from me!'
The snake gives a wounded look, or it tries to, because beady eyes don't work as well as puppy eyes.
Beady eyes just made Bsekhyun more cunning and sinister than usual.
Fortunately for Baekhyun, there’s still someone for him.
'Baekhyun ah, you want to sit on my back and rest? If we can't change back, maybe we can find a way to leave our dorm in the middle of night to visit your grandma's house!''
'Yixing hyung is the best!'
"Rawr rawr!'
'What do you want, Kris?'
"It's Kris hyung to you, Kyung soo. And I'm mad, why is Yixing the dragon and me a tiger? I'm supposed to be the dragon, I'm the one who the world awaits and I can fly."
'Ge!!! We're so dead and all you care is that you ought to be a dragon? How about me? I can't do wushu with my wings flapping like a chicken!'
'You are a chicken.'
'Shut up, Sehun. Your grunt is hella unattractive and guesses what? You totally fit as a pig because you're so lazy. Guess you have a legitimate excuse now.'
'You did not just insult me, you flappy chicken!'
'Squeak squeak! Squeakkk. Squeak squeak squeak!"
Minseok!
Oh. Minseok, even as a rat, he looks like the cute mouse in Tom and Jerry. What was the mouse name again? Jerry? Or was it Tom?
Whatever.
The point is, Minseok as a rat, retains his puffy cheeks and is still the most adorable member in Exo.
Once a baozi, always a baozi.
Why can't Luhan be like Minseok?
Why did Luhan have to change to a ugly ox, which had to spend its entire life on the field and carry heavy stuff?
Carrying heavy stuff is manly, but this makes him sweaty and sweating makes him dirty and Minseok is a clean freak. Being a clean freak means that Minseok will not want to be close to Luhan, who is dirty. Minseok will avoid him and Luhan will die from rejection and loneliness.
But Minseok is chatting happily with Horseie Jongdae., who throws a smug look in Luhan's direction.
Stupid Jongdae. Like a horse is any better than an ox.
‘Luhan hyung. At least I don’t roll like a buffalo. “
Why this insolent brat. Even as a horse, Jongdae is still a troll.
And a really tall troll, now that he is a horse and his eyelashes are as long as ever.
Which brings back to the question of why is he the ox.
He could be the horse! Or the rabbit, because rabbit and mouse are both small creatures, and small creatures go well together.
‘Because you are the second eldest of the group, so you are chosen to represent the ox.’
Who is speaking?
‘God here.’
No kidding. But since when God meddles in stuff like this?
‘God does not meddle in stuff like this. But God is bored and he seeks joy in seeing people suffer and watch how they overcome obstacles in life to become a better person.’
‘We are freaking animals now. What better person?’ Angry chicken is angry.
‘Emm, even though I have yet to graduate from college, I’m sure humans are also animals, but larger in population compared to the other animals.’
‘Shut up, Jongin! Go back to sleep! The world is alright with one less opinion.’
Puppy Jongin visibly wilted in his corner. Rabbit Junmyeon shoot a disapproving glare at chicken Tao.
‘So how can we change back to being human?’
Finally a voice of logic, mouse Minseok. Bless Minseok.
“You can, only if you manage to master your superpowers before your first concert.”
‘Deal. I always wanted to fly.”
Of course Kris had to be different from the rest again. If Kris had been embarrassing the group with his dump antics in the past, he is now bringing himself and the rest of the members to doom now. Luhan really wants to kill someone now. And Kris is first on his target list.
A loud neh shook up the dorm, Monkey Kyungsoo had Jongdae in a headlock, and Jongdae looks like he’s gonna die from lack of air. Funny how his horse face is turning slightly green, like Hulk. Rabbit Junmyeon bounce up from where he is resting on the sofa and scrabble to save Jongdae from dying. After some useless pawing from Junmyeon with the harmless rabbit paws, Kyungsoo finally let go of Jongdae.
‘What the hell?!!? What have I done for you to chock me to death?” A half-dead Jongdae catching his breath and stomping his feet. His mane is in a mess now; it looks like it had been electrified. Some of the dust that flew when Jongdae stomps sends goat Chanyeol into a coughing fit.
“My superpower is earth - power. I just display my abilities. So I can turn back to a human now. Yixing hyung you should heal Jongdae now while he needs it so you can exhibit your power to this God.”
Luhan gasps (moos). Kyungsoo is a genius. Monkeys are really smart, maybe he should be one when he reincarnates.
Dragon Yixing looks on blankly. What should he do? How do you heal a horse whose neck is hurting? Should he pretend to heal it, like he did to Hyung Don hyung on Weekly idol? Or should he really get the first-aid box from Junmyeon to treat Jongdae? Or should he. -
“Here.’
A huge salonpas is shoved into Yixing’s hands, or are they claws actually? They look pretty cool now that he really looks at them. The rabbit beside him nudges him urgently, its eyes red with anxiety, with a hint of envy. Sigh. Guess he has to obey his leader. Because Yixing is a kind person. Bye claws, bye dragon.He will miss them when he turns back into human.
With an anguished shriek, the salonpas is slapped onto Horseie Jongdae.
Tiger Kris is sad. Dragon Yixing cannot change back to human Yixing, even though Kris is the real dragon here, wrapped in a tiger’s skin. He needs to stop him now! Taking a leap of faith (because tigers are good at jumping right?), Kris soars into the air to rip the damned salonpas out of Yixing’s claws. Except that he falls, and it hurts. But then there’s long limbs dangling in an awkward mess and his face feels a lot less scratchy.
A pool of water gathers near his face and he looks down. A handsome man with angry bird eyebrows stares back at him. Beside the handsome man, a face that seems all too familiar to his co-leader appears.
Meanwhile, Yixing who is oblivious to his other leader’s turmoil feels himself getting smaller and smaller, his porcelain skin once again surfacing underneath the rough scales of his past dragon self.
‘Welcome back hyung.’ Kyungsoo extends his hand out to Yixing, who is still in shock at his transformation. Sitting on the floor, Junmyeon sobs in relief. Who knew that crying is the way to unlease his power of controlling water? Man, all the ugly crying at the first win of ‘Wolf’ actually helps him to save himself.
‘Yo swag, Kris is back and Kris is my style. I should clean my face and do a facial to regain my smooth, silky skin.’ Kris mumbles to himself and went back to his room. His face takes precedent over the rest of the group.
By now, the rest of the members are either in shock, amazed or in a brainstorm (working up a storm) trying to figure out how to use their superpowers that SM had so ‘brilliantly’ thought of. But what can they do? The four members got lucky, but God Kyuhyun is sure that the remaining eight will stay the way they are now. Because they aren’t many bright people in this world and definitely not twelve all at one place. God Kyuhyun will win this.
The room feels cooler than usual. In fact, it feels almost like winter now. Like the movie Frozen when everything freeze over.
Is the world ending sooner than Luhan thought?
Either that, or….
Minseok, despite his tiny self, is fixing his gaze at God Kyuhyun, with eyes so cold that even Luhan couldn’t help but shudder. He never wants to be on the receiving end of this stare, ever. Then, Minseok smirks. Luhan can feel the fireworks exploding in his heart. Why is Minseok so Minseok even when he is a rat?
Poof!
Rat Minseok is a baozi, correction, human Minseok again. But Luhan is still an ox. Why is his life so miserable?
MInseok, as soon as he returns into a human, wastes no time in shouting out orders.
‘Jongdae-ah, Sehun-ah. Before the temperature rises, use your powers!’
With the help of Yixing and Junmyeon, Pig Sehun finds himself operating a MPF9B power fan, his piggy tail entangled with the wire of the power fan.
‘Are you sure this will work?’ A doubtful pig Sehun deadpans. ‘I hope it doesn’t! Why did SM gave me lightning as my power? I swear, if I survive this, I’m gonna convince them to give me a new, less dangerous power.’ Jongdae’s tail is attached to the head of the plug and inserted into the outlet.
‘E -E-E- Electric Shock!’ An excited snake Baekhyun sings at the top of his lungs, his body (or it is just a really long tail?) swaying to the beat of the song. The sight is both fascinating and disconcerting. Because how did he manage to dance in this body? And he moves so fast that it rivals Jongin’s dancing in ‘Overdose’. Maybe Baekhyun can be the lead dancer and Luhan can become the main vocal.
‘Okay. Is everyone ready? I’m gonna switch on the power!’ Junmyeon places his hands on the switch; his voice determined but his hands tremble. A hysterical Jongdae starts struggling, but Minseok and Kyungsoo hold him firmly in place. Sehun maintains a poker face but his eyes shine with unshed tears.
‘NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!’ Luhan would laugh at Jongdae’s imitation of Running Man’s Kwangsoo if not for the fact that he is still an ox.
The wind howls and lightning bolts through the sky. The MPF9B spins throughout the ordeal, uncaring to the two members’ predicament. Light goes out, putting the Exo’s dorm to darkness.
‘Darkness in the sky but lights up in my eyes. Kkaessong. I have eyes that glow in the dark!’
‘It’s ‘Darkness in my eyes but lights up in the sky’. A face covered in cucumbers appears next to Baekhyun. Chanyeol manage to grab a lighter and a candle using his front ‘legs’, lighting up the dorms. He shrieks when he sees the cucumber laden face and drops the lit candle. Sehun puff out his cheeks and blow; the fire gets bigger. This is fun.
A bucket of water is emptied on Sehun and the fire. Junmyeon is not amused, even though he is relieved to see that Sehun and Jongdae have changed back. Miraculously, Baekhyun and Chanyeol, by a stroke of luck, are also humans again.
‘At first I was afraid, I was petrified~~’ A slice, no, many slices of cucumber find their way into Jongdae’s mouth, shutting the main vocal up. A flustered Jongdae chokes and hurriedly spits out the offensive cucumber slices.
‘What the hell, Kris!’
‘It’s Kris hyung to you, and it’s been half an hour. I can remove the cucumber mask. Now I need my beauty sleep and dream of my galaxy.’ Kris leaves the living room once again, back to his bed.
There are three remaining animals, or rather, three members who are still animals. And of course Luhan is one of them. Why is that not surprising. His numerous demonstrations of superpower are always edited out in broadcast. This is awesome. Him, the mega pretty but really manly Luhan, who may or may have an unhealthy obsession with his best friend aka Baozi, is going to stay an ox for the rest of his life while watching his Baozi being harassed by ten other members.
Next to him, Sehun gives him a knowing smirk and proceed to place his arms on Minseok’s shoulders, mouthing ‘mine’ to a fuming Luhan. That brat. To think Luhan buys him bubble tea every time he asks. Never again. When he changes back. If he ever changes back.
Jongin whines an ‘I’m tired’ to the fiery Tao who is still clucking furiously, his feathers dropping and scattered around him.
Others, who have reverted back to humans, feel fatigue kicking in. It has been a long suffering day; the three members can wait tomorrow.
‘I’m going to sleep first.’ Traitor Kyungsoo mutters and the rest follow suit. Minseok shoots a guilty smile to Luhan as he is whisked away by the oblivious (but secretly evil) Yixing.
Jongin looks at Tao and Luhan. Should we sleep too? The piercing glare from Tao is enough to let Jongin cowered in fear and slowly slink away from sight, presumably to find a spot to sleep. Luhan doses off, even though he keeps jerking awake every time his legs are about to give away while sleeping.
For dinner, Chanyeol takes the liberty of plucking grass from their neighbourhood to give it to Luhan. Luhan wants to stomp him to his death, but Chanyeol is a kind person, just extremely dumb. Jongin gets a drumstick, which is not fair; because why Jongin gets proper food and his favourite chicken even when he’s a puppy? Tao has no food because he refuses to eat after 6pm, they’re having their first concert soon and he needs to be in top condition, even if he’s now a chicken.
After a less than sumptuous dinner, the group settles down to discuss on how to help their three remaining members.
‘How about we film Jongin jumping from place to place and edit it like what Weekly idol did to show that Jongin has the power of teleporting?’
‘Good idea, but I prefer originality.’ Puppy Jongin expresses.
Eleven pairs of eyes glare at him. Puppy Jongin cowers but stand firms in his ground. He condemns plagiarism.
Chanyeol scoops up Jongin and scowls at anyone who dares to say thing against Jongin. How dare anyone hurt his favourite dongsaeng?
‘Actually, Jongin specializes in ballet. Look at this gif his fans made. He moves so fast it’s inhumane!’
All twelve members glue their eyes to the monitor; fascinated by the gif. It’s so fast it feels almost like watching a horror movie where the ghost moves at the speed of light and bam! It’s in your face before you know it.
Puppy Jongin looks hopeful, until he realizes that he is a puppy; how is he going to pull off that move with his short legs?
But Kyungsoo will have none of that. With a raise of his hand, Sehun and Yixing scampered to help Jongin with the move. Dog or not, he is going to do it. He would rather become the first dog ballerina (perhaps the real life version of the all-rounder dog Mr. Peabody) than incur the wrath of Kyungsoo, the spawn of Satan.
‘Good news! Luhan hyung is the first member of EXO to reach 2 million followers on instagram.’ An zealous Yixing exclaims while scanning the search results for ‘How to turn into a human’.
‘But I’m the first one to join Instagram. Why is it not me?’ A disgruntled Kris grumbles.
‘If you actually update it regularly and didn’t take a hiatus from EXO it would have been you, hyung.’ Jongdae speaks up, an emerging yawn threatening to split his face.
‘You’re lucky you’re cute and I’m in a good mood, or you can say bye to your fangirls, and if I’m feeling particularly mean, I would tell Liyin noona of her picture on your wall.’
‘You dare to! I’m gonna…’
Amidst Jongdae’s and Kris’ bickering, Luhan is thinking hard. He has reached 2 million followers on Instagram, what is the significance of this? If he writes anything on it, his fans are sure to like it a million times, retweet his words on twitter, tumblr it and worship it like Jesus has come back.
Like Jesus…like Jesus…Someone important, someone who can save the world.
This is it.
‘Someone take the camera!’ Luhan all but moos to his members.
Everyone is confused. Even Jongin has stopped dancing, which is great, because he’s really dizzy from twirling in circles for the past thirty minutes.
‘Shoot me! I need a nice photo to upload to put on instagram.’
Silence greets him. A tentative Junmyeon starts singing ‘Someone call the doctor’ in the background, with Baekhyun and Jongdae acting as background vocals.
This bunch of idiots. Can’t they see? If Luhan has two million followers, he could use the power of his followers to change back.
Luhan stomps his feet. The ground shakes, and it feels almost like the beginning of an earthquake. Junmyeon stops singing and scurries to find the best camera he has. Within minutes, he produces the latest model of the Canon DSRL. Luhan visibly lightens up. The perks of having a rich leader. But that’s not important. What’s important is that he has to inform his fans of his plight. Luhan positions himself in front of the DSRL, putting on his best ox eyes (Not as good as his bambi eyes, but still sparkling like the brightest star in universe) in what seem like an endearing yet piteous expression.
With the aid of Sehun, the instragram king who updates every breathing moment of his life, Luhan uploads the photo to Instagram, with the words ‘I’m a little upset now…’
The reaction is instantaneous. Within minutes, he has gotten at least 200k of likes, 113,911 comments, encouraging Luhan to cheer up and they will pray for him and his happiness.
The number one trending topic on twitter which was #f(x) is back, #redlight, swiftly change to #prayforLuhan, #Luhan cheer up, #Luhan is the best, etc in the next hour.
It’s chaos up in the heavens. Angels are busy putting out scrolls and scrolls of prayers, all laid out for God Kyuhyun. They are all related to Luhan, from the calm fangirls pleading God to save Luhan to the bat shit crazy fangirls who threatened to stop believing in him if Luhan does not cheer up.
Angel Henry starts playing a dramatic version of Fantastic, a new song he just written, further emphasizing the seriousness of the situation. Kyuhyun feels a migraine coming up. Angel Donghae and Angel Eunhyuk dance along to the tune, coming up the choreography to the song.
‘Ryeowook! Bring this sacred water to that Prince of China now! His fangirls are giving me a headache.’
Angel Ryeowook nods, his dainty fingers grasping the precious bottle of sacred water and flying down at the 8000km per minute to the dorms of the twelve boys. He could have flown faster but that might spill the sacred water. Sacred water is scarce; no point wasting it on a human boy, though said boy is almost as influential as God Kyuhyun himself.
He lands gracefully, but the chicken at his feet is scaring him. It’s holding a wooden chopstick and waving it around using its claws. Its beak is dangerously close; almost as if it wants to peck him to death. Even if he is an angel, if the chicken as much as peck a hole in his gown, he is going to punish the chicken. Like making the chicken drowned in water. Or roast the chicken over the fire and prepared a chicken feast for the other angels. Angel Onew is a chicken fanatic; he is bound to provide valuable feedback for his culinary skills.
Oh God, even when he is now billions of miles away from God Kyuhyun, he still cannot escape from God Kyuhyun’s evil mind and he is slowly becoming like him. Ryeowook shudders, feeling a sense of despair creeping up on him. Surely God Kyuhyun is not omnipresent?
“I am surely omnipresent, as well as being omnipotent and omniscient. Do you not read the bible?”
Angel Ryeowook could only lower his head in shame. He ought to return to school to study again.
‘You should, but now, focus on your task.’
‘Yes, God.’
Angel Ryeowook brings the bottle of sacred water to his chest, closing his eyes and focusing his mind to locate the human boy Luhan. Turns out that there was no need to. Because the boy is an ox now, and just like the idiom that humans came up with, ‘A bull in a china shop’, Ryeowook can hear the telltale signs of glass breaking in the living room. He makes his way to the living room with the grace of an angel, considering that he is an angel.
There are 10 pair of human eyes staring at him as he entered; Ryeowook can feel a sense of pride swelling within him; he is amazing, and humans are acknowledging his awesomeness and stunned by his grace. So Ryeowook was not prepared for the words that came next.
“Hyung, what are you doing here?’
How dare they speak to him like they know him? Angel Ryeowook feels disrespected.
‘But we know you! Are you alright, Ryeowook hyung? It’s been chaos here. We got turned into the twelve animals of the zodiac by God, and only ten of us managed to turn back into humans. Luhan hyung and Tao are still ox and chicken! We’re less than a week away from our first concert and why did this happened to Exo!!’
A hysterical Junmyeon sobs pitifully as he relates the weird happening to Angel Ryeowook. Ryeowook almost feel sorry for him, but his crying is too ugly and his gown is getting dirtied by the snot that the human is producing. So he says the only thing that came to his mind.
‘Because God is bored and he seeks joy in seeing people suffer and watch how they overcome obstacles in life to become a better person.’
Collective gasps resound in the living room. Why do hyung’s words sound so eerily familiar? Where has the sweet hyung of Super Junior gone to?
Even the usually calm Kyungsoo starts hyperventilating, his breaths coming out in short gasps. The world must be ending, which is why he is hearing all these demonic words.
‘Listen, I’m not your sweet hyung, but Angel Ryeowook who is under the order of God Kyuhyun -‘
‘You must be his sidekick.’ A cheeky Sehun chirps.
Angel Ryeowook glares at the maknae of Exo, which proves to be slightly uncomfortable because the boy is much taller than him. But Ryeowook is an angel. Good angels do not squabble with humans, even if they are annoying.
‘As I was saying, I am on my mission to pass this sacred water to the human boy Luhan so that he can turn back human. God Kyuhyun has decided to spare the boy from further suffering.’
More like to spare his ears from suffering having to listen to Luhan’s billion fangirls wailing. But Ryeowook will not disclose this fact; he has to be loyal to his God.
A tall, lanky guy with big ears grabs Ryeowook by his shoulders and pleads with his eyes that are brimming with tears.
‘You have to save Jongin and Tao too! Look at Jongin! Don’t you think that he is so pitiful, spinning in circles just because he wants to demonstrate his teleporting skills? And Tao! Tao…is too noisy! He will interfere when me and Yixing hyung composes music. If Yixing hyung is disturbed, he will lose his focus and get into a gloomy mood. When Yixing hyung becomes gloomy, he will compose depressing music and I will be influenced then! I need to maintain my happy virus image!’
Chanyeol all but shoves Puppy Jongin into his hands. A hesitant Jongin stares at Ryeowook, his eyes wide and begging, seemingly to say ‘I’m a cute human trapped in a dog’s body. Save me! Bbuing Bbuing~’
Ryeowook wants to melt into a puddle of goo, because he cannot resist puppy eyes. He always wanted a puppy but Angel Henry is allergic to puppies, or actually, anything less than an angel. Even though the Chanyeol guy looks really weird with his yoda ears, since he asked for his help so earnestly, he shall help him.
“Just do a spin at the speed of 180km/h, and you will be alright. And cow Luhan, please stand still and receive the holy water, so sacred that you are extremely lucky to be the first human to receive it from God. ’
On hearing his name, Luhan almost knock over Baekhyun, who was standing in his way to angel Ryeowook, in his way to being human again. Baekhyun let out a yelp at being whacked aside, his body crashing into an oblivious Kris, who, instead of holding on to Baekhyun to steady themselves since he is so much taller and bigger in built, frails and fall down along with Baekhyun.
God of Variety really favors Kris.. Jongdae and Minseok guffaw from where they are seated; ben ben duizhang and dumb Baekhyun. But all eyes are on Jongin and Luhan now.
Jongin takes a deep breath and breaks into a groundbreaking spin. He spins from the living room to the kitchen and back again, covering 400m in mere 7.9 seconds, within the stipulated 180km/h.
It’s amazing, how he spins starting as a puppy and returns as a human. Sehun could not stop gaping in awe. Junmyeon is so touched he breaks down into tears. Kyungsoo hugs Jongin in joy, thankful for his dongsaeng’s return.
‘Now your turn.’
Luhan feels the first drop of water hitting his forehead. Then he feels a searing pain spreads through his body, like a virus. It hits him like a tornado, he desperately wants to hide from the pain, but he can’t avoid it. With baleful eyes, Luhan struggles to speak.
‘What…what have you done...to me?’
Minseok stares in horror as his best friend rolls on the ground, his body burning from pain. But he is not the only one. Everyone else, even Angel Ryeowook has no idea what just transpired. Just as a grief-stricken Yixing was about to lash out at Ryeowook for hurting his friend, a familiar voice speaks up from above.
‘My dear Exo, didn’t I say that people have to undergo suffering and pain before they can become a stronger, better person? Besides, because of his brilliant idea of posting onto Instagram, do you know how many hours of wailing I had to endure from those fangirls?’
“How long will he be like this?’
‘At least an hour more? Depends on my mood. Anyway, stop asking me questions. I have a Starcraft tournament with the devil in six months’ time and I need to start training now. ’
Yixing looks ready to kill now, if not for the fact that he is the healing unicorn, and they are not supposed to take lives, but save them. Not that he could kill God anyway.
Sehun and Jongin huddled in a corner, weeping for their suffering hyung.
‘What about me?! I want to change back to human too!’ A petulant Tao whined.
‘Simple, you just had to summon the power of time control.’ Angel Ryeowook spoke up.
‘What?’
Angel Ryeowook lets out an exasperated sigh. Why are human beings so slow?
‘Don’t you watch Running man? Did you not see how Haroro summons his power of time control? Just recite the words and you’ll be fine.’
And with a flash of light, he is gone.
Seriously what.
How dare the Angel makes him do embarrassing things.
But alas, he has to, in order to return to human and be his most perfect condition for their first concert.
It took Tao ten tries before he could got it right, as he stumbles over the words and the members laughing at him are not helping. At all.
Fortunately, the twelve members have finally escaped from the nightmare, especially Luhan, who suffered for exactly one hour before he was normal again. The only good thing is that Minseok is always fussing over him now, citing that he only knew how important Luhan is to me when he saw him hurting. The only bad thing is, Minseok does not want to lose his best friend because of God’s prank. Did God’s prank not tell Minseok how much more important Luhan is to Minseok, not just as a best friend?
Meanwhile, back at heaven...
God Kyuhyun is annoyed. He thought that the Exo members will not be able to survive this ordeal. They have exceeded his expectations, turned back into humans and now his source of entertainment is gone. He is bored. What should he do now? Why is life so harsh to him? Taking away his joy so early?
Suddenly, he starts hearing voices; voices of excited fangirls.
‘Taemin oppa is so pretty! He’s prettier than me, omo!!!”
‘But Key oppa is cute too! His feline eyes and fluffy hair! GYAHHHHH~~~”
The two girls continued arguing over who is the better member in SHINee, and who is actually prettier, but God Kyuhyun has long tuned out on their conversation, he has mastered this skill ever since billions of strangers start praying to him, every single nano second. He may be God, but God is not a genie; he refuses to grant people their wishes. If they want it, they have to work for it. Whether they achieve what they want or not does not concern him. He is this kind of God.
Hmm…maybe I should turn SHINee into girls and see how they react when they wake up tomorrow morning?
Evil crackles echo in vast sky for the rest of the afternoon, and Angel Ryeowok could only shake his head and sigh. How is God Kyuhyun, the devil in disguise, the God? A mystery that Sherlock has yet to solve.
‘Oh I’m so curious yeah!!’