there's gotta be somebody for me
since i've been to college, i've really been trying to brush off this feeling. i'm trying so hard just to be happy on my own. i've always thought i should find that right guy, and then work on the rest of me because i feel empty without him. i just want to save someone and have them save me. that's always been my goal. i hear you can't love someone until you love yourself and i guess that could be why it hasn't been happening for me. i don't know though. i know plenty of people who claim they'd be happy without a relationship, but it's such bullshit because they're always in them. and maybe i'm too picky but i think it's really important to be picky.
i'm terrified of getting hurt...but you can't find extreme happiness without risking extreme pain. when i really care about people in my life, i give it my all. this includes friends. and i feel like in the end, everyone is going to leave me. my biggest fear is not being "good enough" for someone. although i wouldn't leave a guy i like out of fear, i kind of believe offering any less than everything i am is just lying to him and lying to myself.
i want to puke sometimes with some of the ridiculous shit i see. exes and couples can be fucking psycho. calling each other 32 times (LITERALLY) within an hour, basically begging for the person back. if they want you, you shouldn't need to convince them.
clearly everyone has their rights to make mistakes, sometimes you just have that one breakdown and come off the wrong way. but the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. i've seen some relationships people have had that really make me question why they even bother. breaking up and going back. over and over and overrrr. blinding themselves from new opportunites, such as lovely/spectacular/glorious ones like myself. stop trying to fix something that's already broken. if it didn't work the first time, or even the second...enough already! ten more times will not change anything! you are not ross and rachel. and even to use them as an example should prove how ridiculous it is consider that they are not REAL. i don't want an unhealthy relationship. i don't want to call my boyfriend to tell him not to worry if i don't pick up my phone in 2 minutes because i'm peeing. i don't want my boyfriend to try to keep me in on a friday night. i don't want him to try and stop me hanging out with my guy friends. i don't need guilt trips.
all of that shit is just insane. that isn't love. that's just dependence. and although maybe i can be a bit dependent, and sometimes the things i do are questionable, i don't think that's acceptable. of course everyone has insecurities...but i think finding that right person to look past them is all that you really need.
i don't care what people "claim". yes, i have hobbies and interests. yes, i am an individual. but to say that hookups and relationships don't matter is a load of shit. everywhere you look, it's advertised. everywhere. basically every song you listen to is about love or breakups. occassionally you just have a bullshit song like boom boom pow which is just bad and makes no sense and you can escape the love song but then you just hear a million love songs afterwards. every movie and tv show has to have some sort of love interest, even if it's not the base of the movie, it has to be put in there SOMEWHERE. if a couple is together in a movie, you can guarentee they will make it work in the end. if you go shopping, you see couples holding hands and ads with people you wished you looked like or wish you had. or ones you don't wish either of, but it's still in your face. you sign onto aim or facebook and see statuses "LOVE YOU JOHNNY!" or "TODAY I ATE PIZZA AND BTW I LOVE JANE!" which are just incredibly annoying, but at least it's not "i hate the rain!" because you don't need a status to know if it's raining. so why does it have to be advertised so much? i know "sex sells" but why does the media post such shitty messages? they have those "love your curves!" and i'm sorry i have eaten plenty of cheeseburgers in my time and i still don't gain any weight. so instead everyone just pokes flaws at skinny people instead which is exactly the same as insulting someone who's fat. saying "you have a little ass" is like saying "wow your stomach could feed a poor country!" i guess girls are the reason other girls have bad self esteems. not guys. some of the hottest guys like ugliest girls, inside and out. i'm rambling. my point is, why is it so important?
since i've been to college, i've hated showing my weaknesses. sometimes i feel like i've been deceiving everyone. yes, i've been SO much happier than i've ever been. and i'm overall confident i guess. i've learned that guys appreciate my little ass so girls' opinions don't matter. but i'm tired of pretending that i'm not looking for love, because i am. i really hate hurting other guys that i'm not interested in. i don't believe in love at first sight, but i do believe in an immediate connection. i am very good at reading people and i want someone i can see myself with.
maybe i'm too much of an idealist. we all know i want that long haired boy to woo me with his guitar, but in reality, there's a high chance i'm not going to fall for a guy who's anything like that. everyone yells at me and says i'm too picky. lately i've been starting to wonder if i have ever had feelings for anyone. i almost never get butterflies. deep down i know that a lot of the guys i give chances to aren't really meant for me. but i want them so bad to be someone they're not. and i think that's my problem. i'm not the type to get sucked into trends, but it sickens me that i listen to emo music and that i'm a sucker for all of that romantic crap they pull. it's not real. and i really don't know what i'm supposed to expect. i keep track of every guy i hooked up with because i want to remember them all, but it's come to a point where i'm just adding numbers to a list. i don't regret a single one, but when i look at their names and think about how many mattered...i have to actually think for a long time. you shouldn't have to think, you should just know.
i HATE when guys pull bullshit out of their ass thinking it will get them anywhere with me. if you want something, just cut to the chase. there is nothing suave enough that you can say that will make me do something i didn't originally plan on doing. but if you respect me and take things slow, that's when i'll actually like you. if i take things too quickly, i don't know if it's possible for me to have feelings.
it's not that i like assholes. i mean i guess all guys are assholes, but that's not where my problem is. i don't know where my problem is. i don't want to blame it on the bad luck i've had. i've done that for too long and it got me nowhere. wallowing in self pity just disgusts me and that's why i hate discussing this. it kills me to keep it bottled up, but i don't want people to think less of me and see me as weak. like i said before, i want someone to save me. and even more, i want to save them. but i'm starting to think i'm chasing after the wrong idea. i'm trying to convince myself the right thing, that i need to love myself blah blah but is it too much to ask for some butterflies? maybe i need a guy who is a role model and really confident but i'm afraid he won't need me. maybe i don't really know what i need, i just think i do.
well i could vent forever but it's 4am and i have to wake up for work in 5 hours and this entry has not found me my love and therefore this was a waste of time. oh and i bet my period is coming soon which although i deny it, it definitely gets me emotional lol
i'm terrified of getting hurt...but you can't find extreme happiness without risking extreme pain. when i really care about people in my life, i give it my all. this includes friends. and i feel like in the end, everyone is going to leave me. my biggest fear is not being "good enough" for someone. although i wouldn't leave a guy i like out of fear, i kind of believe offering any less than everything i am is just lying to him and lying to myself.
i want to puke sometimes with some of the ridiculous shit i see. exes and couples can be fucking psycho. calling each other 32 times (LITERALLY) within an hour, basically begging for the person back. if they want you, you shouldn't need to convince them.
clearly everyone has their rights to make mistakes, sometimes you just have that one breakdown and come off the wrong way. but the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. i've seen some relationships people have had that really make me question why they even bother. breaking up and going back. over and over and overrrr. blinding themselves from new opportunites, such as lovely/spectacular/glorious ones like myself. stop trying to fix something that's already broken. if it didn't work the first time, or even the second...enough already! ten more times will not change anything! you are not ross and rachel. and even to use them as an example should prove how ridiculous it is consider that they are not REAL. i don't want an unhealthy relationship. i don't want to call my boyfriend to tell him not to worry if i don't pick up my phone in 2 minutes because i'm peeing. i don't want my boyfriend to try to keep me in on a friday night. i don't want him to try and stop me hanging out with my guy friends. i don't need guilt trips.
all of that shit is just insane. that isn't love. that's just dependence. and although maybe i can be a bit dependent, and sometimes the things i do are questionable, i don't think that's acceptable. of course everyone has insecurities...but i think finding that right person to look past them is all that you really need.
i don't care what people "claim". yes, i have hobbies and interests. yes, i am an individual. but to say that hookups and relationships don't matter is a load of shit. everywhere you look, it's advertised. everywhere. basically every song you listen to is about love or breakups. occassionally you just have a bullshit song like boom boom pow which is just bad and makes no sense and you can escape the love song but then you just hear a million love songs afterwards. every movie and tv show has to have some sort of love interest, even if it's not the base of the movie, it has to be put in there SOMEWHERE. if a couple is together in a movie, you can guarentee they will make it work in the end. if you go shopping, you see couples holding hands and ads with people you wished you looked like or wish you had. or ones you don't wish either of, but it's still in your face. you sign onto aim or facebook and see statuses "LOVE YOU JOHNNY!" or "TODAY I ATE PIZZA AND BTW I LOVE JANE!" which are just incredibly annoying, but at least it's not "i hate the rain!" because you don't need a status to know if it's raining. so why does it have to be advertised so much? i know "sex sells" but why does the media post such shitty messages? they have those "love your curves!" and i'm sorry i have eaten plenty of cheeseburgers in my time and i still don't gain any weight. so instead everyone just pokes flaws at skinny people instead which is exactly the same as insulting someone who's fat. saying "you have a little ass" is like saying "wow your stomach could feed a poor country!" i guess girls are the reason other girls have bad self esteems. not guys. some of the hottest guys like ugliest girls, inside and out. i'm rambling. my point is, why is it so important?
since i've been to college, i've hated showing my weaknesses. sometimes i feel like i've been deceiving everyone. yes, i've been SO much happier than i've ever been. and i'm overall confident i guess. i've learned that guys appreciate my little ass so girls' opinions don't matter. but i'm tired of pretending that i'm not looking for love, because i am. i really hate hurting other guys that i'm not interested in. i don't believe in love at first sight, but i do believe in an immediate connection. i am very good at reading people and i want someone i can see myself with.
maybe i'm too much of an idealist. we all know i want that long haired boy to woo me with his guitar, but in reality, there's a high chance i'm not going to fall for a guy who's anything like that. everyone yells at me and says i'm too picky. lately i've been starting to wonder if i have ever had feelings for anyone. i almost never get butterflies. deep down i know that a lot of the guys i give chances to aren't really meant for me. but i want them so bad to be someone they're not. and i think that's my problem. i'm not the type to get sucked into trends, but it sickens me that i listen to emo music and that i'm a sucker for all of that romantic crap they pull. it's not real. and i really don't know what i'm supposed to expect. i keep track of every guy i hooked up with because i want to remember them all, but it's come to a point where i'm just adding numbers to a list. i don't regret a single one, but when i look at their names and think about how many mattered...i have to actually think for a long time. you shouldn't have to think, you should just know.
i HATE when guys pull bullshit out of their ass thinking it will get them anywhere with me. if you want something, just cut to the chase. there is nothing suave enough that you can say that will make me do something i didn't originally plan on doing. but if you respect me and take things slow, that's when i'll actually like you. if i take things too quickly, i don't know if it's possible for me to have feelings.
it's not that i like assholes. i mean i guess all guys are assholes, but that's not where my problem is. i don't know where my problem is. i don't want to blame it on the bad luck i've had. i've done that for too long and it got me nowhere. wallowing in self pity just disgusts me and that's why i hate discussing this. it kills me to keep it bottled up, but i don't want people to think less of me and see me as weak. like i said before, i want someone to save me. and even more, i want to save them. but i'm starting to think i'm chasing after the wrong idea. i'm trying to convince myself the right thing, that i need to love myself blah blah but is it too much to ask for some butterflies? maybe i need a guy who is a role model and really confident but i'm afraid he won't need me. maybe i don't really know what i need, i just think i do.
well i could vent forever but it's 4am and i have to wake up for work in 5 hours and this entry has not found me my love and therefore this was a waste of time. oh and i bet my period is coming soon which although i deny it, it definitely gets me emotional lol