Is there anyone still out there?
I have not posted to Live Journal in some time. Wondering if there is anyone out there that actually cares if I post anything or not? Guess does not matter much as it is a journal that is to be used to document events. This journal has been in the past been a source of my being able to write and sort things out as I read it back to myself. Needless to say 2010 started off good, but quickly is deteriorating, and I am super depressed, to the point of it being super scarey.
Relationships are meant for each other to let the other know how important they are in their lives, not to just become old hat, and a piece of baggage you take along with you because you have too. I feel I do my fair share at providing this, but sure would like a suprise coming my direction every now and then. (Growing tired of the open thing to get my needs met, and just want my husband to care and understand.). Sure would like some consistent friends in my life as well that just appreciate me for me, and do not expect anything more then that.
Thought my oldest daughter came out of a rotten relationship only to find out her brain is wired a lot like my own. She also ranks high priority on the physical part of a relationship in order to know that she is wanted, accepted, needed & loved. Right now I am regretting that she inherited that gene from me, as I can relate to her frustration. Problem being the new relationship that she currently is in, that is not of high priority in his mind, ( much like it isn't in Chris's either ) and she may be calling off the wedding that was going to happen later this fall of 2010. Much to my disappointment because I felt he was a very good guy, and stable, everything that a father hopes his daughter will marry. Regardless I will honor her decision.
Middle daughter I guess is holding her own. I know their are some issues taking place with some circumstantial stuff around the car accident her husband had earlier. They are having the growing pains of being a young married couple. I am able to offer advise and emotional support if needed, but as for finances I cannot be bailing them out of any financial downfalls. From time to time maybe a little, but you know nobody was throwing money my direction when I was young and married, and put myself through school. Made me appreciate all that I had, I worked for it, even though it was not much to brag about at the time.
Recently found out from the ex-wife that the youngest daughter was physically manipulated by a guy 5-6 years older then her. The officials are questioning her now for all the details, and wanting us to get her into a counselor for victims counseling. I am not even sure where to let my emotions go with this, as they flucuate through anger, disappointment, empathy, etc..
Then their are my parents, both turning 80 years old. So comes the realization that I have been blessed so many years with their being here and nothing tragic happening that took them from me early. But now I know that the number of years left are so much more limited, and one cannot prepare themselves enough to know that some day the inevitable is going to happen and they will be physically gone.
Then again come monday it will be another birthday for me. Turning 44. We are going to Las Vegas, which should be a lot of fun. I just play it by ear, and wake up each morning, and do what I need as to get through the day. There is no real expectations anymore.
I continue to keep reaching out grasping to take hold of the world that surrounds me. Occasionally I go dancing to try and help myself feel active and alive. But what I feel was once a soul within me, as time passes by is just becoming a big open void space. I am growing tired of trying, am very tired of crying and shedding tears. Need someone to hold me tight for more then just a minute or two, and tell me just how much I am loved and needed. Someone who will wipe away the tears, kiss me with passion, and tell me why I should exist here on earth for them, their reasons alone. Not tell me it is because of my children, my parents, the material things I have. I want to hear from an individual why I am important to them in their life not because of a title I have (Husband, Father, Son), but from their heart why I personally should exist and remain here.
You know I find everyone finds it simple to find it easy to scrap the surface, and say the "Just Because" sort of things, but are unable to let themselves sink beyond into the real meat of the matter where emotional commitment lies, and tell others exactly how much they mean. So I am left to live in a superficial world of few willing to touch the surface, but never really get to know me, or love me, for who I am, and accept the deep love that I have for them.
Relationships are meant for each other to let the other know how important they are in their lives, not to just become old hat, and a piece of baggage you take along with you because you have too. I feel I do my fair share at providing this, but sure would like a suprise coming my direction every now and then. (Growing tired of the open thing to get my needs met, and just want my husband to care and understand.). Sure would like some consistent friends in my life as well that just appreciate me for me, and do not expect anything more then that.
Thought my oldest daughter came out of a rotten relationship only to find out her brain is wired a lot like my own. She also ranks high priority on the physical part of a relationship in order to know that she is wanted, accepted, needed & loved. Right now I am regretting that she inherited that gene from me, as I can relate to her frustration. Problem being the new relationship that she currently is in, that is not of high priority in his mind, ( much like it isn't in Chris's either ) and she may be calling off the wedding that was going to happen later this fall of 2010. Much to my disappointment because I felt he was a very good guy, and stable, everything that a father hopes his daughter will marry. Regardless I will honor her decision.
Middle daughter I guess is holding her own. I know their are some issues taking place with some circumstantial stuff around the car accident her husband had earlier. They are having the growing pains of being a young married couple. I am able to offer advise and emotional support if needed, but as for finances I cannot be bailing them out of any financial downfalls. From time to time maybe a little, but you know nobody was throwing money my direction when I was young and married, and put myself through school. Made me appreciate all that I had, I worked for it, even though it was not much to brag about at the time.
Recently found out from the ex-wife that the youngest daughter was physically manipulated by a guy 5-6 years older then her. The officials are questioning her now for all the details, and wanting us to get her into a counselor for victims counseling. I am not even sure where to let my emotions go with this, as they flucuate through anger, disappointment, empathy, etc..
Then their are my parents, both turning 80 years old. So comes the realization that I have been blessed so many years with their being here and nothing tragic happening that took them from me early. But now I know that the number of years left are so much more limited, and one cannot prepare themselves enough to know that some day the inevitable is going to happen and they will be physically gone.
Then again come monday it will be another birthday for me. Turning 44. We are going to Las Vegas, which should be a lot of fun. I just play it by ear, and wake up each morning, and do what I need as to get through the day. There is no real expectations anymore.
I continue to keep reaching out grasping to take hold of the world that surrounds me. Occasionally I go dancing to try and help myself feel active and alive. But what I feel was once a soul within me, as time passes by is just becoming a big open void space. I am growing tired of trying, am very tired of crying and shedding tears. Need someone to hold me tight for more then just a minute or two, and tell me just how much I am loved and needed. Someone who will wipe away the tears, kiss me with passion, and tell me why I should exist here on earth for them, their reasons alone. Not tell me it is because of my children, my parents, the material things I have. I want to hear from an individual why I am important to them in their life not because of a title I have (Husband, Father, Son), but from their heart why I personally should exist and remain here.
You know I find everyone finds it simple to find it easy to scrap the surface, and say the "Just Because" sort of things, but are unable to let themselves sink beyond into the real meat of the matter where emotional commitment lies, and tell others exactly how much they mean. So I am left to live in a superficial world of few willing to touch the surface, but never really get to know me, or love me, for who I am, and accept the deep love that I have for them.