What. In. The. Bloody Hell is wrong with people like me...!? :)
So halloween's comin' after me. Wonder what I'mmona do about that. Y'know, I always hated this holiday- then again I hate everything by default, it's part of my charm. But anyway- all that aside, I really have no clue what I'm gonna do about this season this time around. I really want to do something bad to the trick-or-treaters though, something evil, something that they'll never forget and probably won't live through. Then again I'd better not do that, you just know the cops are looking for an excuse to bust a black guy after that whole Maryland thing.
Yeah, so the god damned snipers were black. I didn't see anyone pulling over random white guys in vans after that Kennedy thing. Naw but seriously, while everyone's out buying costumes and fake blood and things of the kind, I'll be out buying a new shotgun. Double barrel. I wonder if I could get a double barrel with a pistol handle. (By the way, police officers. That was what's known as a 'Morbid Joke', no need to beat down Ant's door and drag him out in his underwear.)
Speaking of cops dragging people out of their house by their underwear, anybody ever get a load of that show Cops? What. The. Fuck. Right? Those were my sentiments, exactly. Especially after about five years of watching this show for a kick in the middle of a boring Sunday afternoon. Has anyone else started to notice the pattern there? It's one of two things every day:
[{{{1) Some hunk of black trash is questioned for a crime they really did commit but spend fifteen minutes hemming and hawing about how they didn't do it, only to have a witness come forward and say they did.
[{{{2) Some hunk of white trash doing the same thing, only the white ones always seem to have a secondary conflict of some kind.
What I mean by secondary conflict is the fact that, no matter what time of day the cops bust in, the white trash variety never seems to have three things: Their shoes, a shirt and cigarettes. The cops bust in the door, 'Freeze, you're under arrest for beating your wife into a bloody oblivion and leaving her outside to scream for police assistance!' - The guy crawls up from whatever ditch he was laying in (probably behind the sofa having heard the siren's blaring, as if this was a good hiding spot.) and holds their hands above their head. They've probably got about fifteen track marks in their arms, skin that looks like sallow, shaved cow ass stretched over bone and about a quarter inch of sinew that on any other day would be called cartilage. Despite never having a shirt, they've always got a baseball cap on, forwards with kinky, dirty hair sticking out the back. That is, assuming they have hair, because in most cases the smoking gave them some horrid disease no ones heard of and the hair fell out of it's own volition, looking for a cleaner environment to latch to. Like the floor of that pretty much always-despicable home of theirs. So anyway, the instant the cop slams them against the car or the floor (and I actually feel for the cops in a rare moment of empathy seeing them have to press their bodies against those unwashed night creatures with more hair than a wild sheep that's never seen clippers a day in it's life) they look over their shoulder out from under that crusty, filthy always-blue baseball cap with no shirt on and say, "H-hang on... I- can I get my shoes an'mah cigarettes off'ta table?"
Now at this moment you're probably thinking (as am I, don't feel alone), 'Why in the fuck did this person just say shoes 'off the table'?' To that, I have no answer I'm afraid. Not even I, The Biggest Ant In The Hill... have an answer to this continuing mystery. But if I ever find any clues, I'll let you all know, I promise. But I'll go on, I will, just give me a sec.
To be fair, I can't just diss the white trash, I have to hit the black trash too because in some cases they're even worse. Example: The cops bust in, 'Freeze, you're under arrest for selling crack to a five-year-old whom we just arrested for selling the crack to a three-year-old, whom we just arrested for selling the crack to a grown man whom we just arrested for selling the crack to a ten-year-old girl whom we just scolded thoroughly for calling us about it on our coffee'n'donut break!' The black guy, having an even more ingenious hiding place than the white guy, clambers out of the fucking attic and drops to the ground, instantly holding his hands out above him and flat against the floor, knowing that if he even reaches to scratch his ass they'll unload a clip in him. The black man, however, instead of having no shirt, no shoes or cigarettes just makes excuses all the way to the squad car, screaming back at his wife and calling her a bitch for turning him in, demanding that she come pay bail when he gets down to the jail house, telling his children that 'Big Daddy' will be alright and so forth. My favorite, however, are the ones that start insulting the cops as if they're hot shit, saying crap like, 'Das aight, I'll only be in there two days, bitch. I'll be back out on the streets by nightfall motha *beep*!' and basically quoting shit off TV while the cops continue to add charges on to him for resisting arrest, insulting a police officer, cursing around minors, verbal abuse and anything else they can think up because, as we all know, cops have laws designed just to make people like this person's life that much harder to live.
Oh, the other black trash morons I love are the ones that decide 'running' is a good idea. Note, these guys are usually coked out of their minds or on so much weed that they can't even feel their fucking legs, yet to them running was a wise choice. They hit it and at first they're running so fast you're sure they'll get away. As any black person in the audience knows, we black people- when scared- are the fastest motherfuckers alive. We're like cockroaches when the lights come on. 'FUCK, THEY KNOW IT'S US! SCATTER, SCATTER, SCATTER!'. I'm talkin' 'A Parade When Gunfire Goes Off'. We. Are. Gone. I've even seen black fat guys give track runners a run for their money and all they were doing was running from the police for jacking a taco from a senior citizen. This probably has a lot to do with why we're always recruited for sports. But anyway, back on topic. So they're coked up like a motherfucker and running from Officer Porky (yeah, them ain't no bulletproof vests thickenin' those cops' love handles) when suddenly the drugs kick in.
You can almost pinpoint the moment when the black guy's legs stop working. His upper body folds, his eyes drop to the ground wondering where his feet went, he trips up, a cop tackles him, and he falls. Hard. His legs start seizing up and still he struggles because he knows, on top of all those other charges he racked up talking shit at the squad car, he just got busted for running from the cops. But the funny thing about it all is the guy wasn't going to get away in the first place because his stupid ass, while trying to look 'cool and hip' in front of the 'brothaz' bought those goofy ass shoes that light up when you walk. He was basically a running 'I Did It' billboard for the Negroid Association Of Crime Fuckups Inc. He wasn't going anywhere. He could run, he could hide, but for fucks sake, in all of that exercise he didn't think to remember the tag he ripped off of his brand new shoes that he bought with illegal drug money that read 'Nike Lights: Blaze The Darkness'.
So on top of it all, his ass goes to jail and, despite all that crap he quoted off NYPD Blue, he was still in there the next day. In fact, he'd pissed off the cops so much that, not only did they beat his ass, but they put him so far under the jail his relatives had to mail him sunlight! And the show always comes from places like Miami, New York or some place in California, so you know the cops had THREE plungers in his ass that night.
I remember watching cops once and the funniest shit happened. The person I saw running from the cops? I knew 'em! Fuck knew 'em, I was related to 'em! It was the funniest shit I'd ever seen. Ol' Reggie had actually gotten a good head start on the cops too. And Reggie was one of those Speed takin' motha-fuckas, so you know the cops wasn't catchin' his ass if he got on a straightaway. But anyway, so Reggie's runnin', right? And the family and I get enthused. We were like:
'Run! RUN REGGIE, RUN! YEAH! Show those pigs why you lettered in track! GOD DAMN, Reggie that was a HIGH ass jump. I didn't know you could do that! Dude, dude, no- no! Not. That. Way! TAKE A RIGHT. TAKE A RIGHT!'
Long story short, Reggie got gimped in the leg with a Cop Baton and drug off kicking and screaming and crying like a bitch. Then again, Reggie was so high I'm sure he thought the Keebler Elves were back again trying to have sex with the crevices between his toes. Ah well. S'what I get for knowing broke family.
But all that aside, I figure I'll just scare the kiddies this year with homegrown Asshole attire. Basically me standing on the front porch shouting things like, 'The first fucker that steps on my porch, I'm lettin' Kujo loose on their ass!'
Bah, whatever. I'm getting out of here before I break Live Journal.
Hybrid: Out.
Yeah, so the god damned snipers were black. I didn't see anyone pulling over random white guys in vans after that Kennedy thing. Naw but seriously, while everyone's out buying costumes and fake blood and things of the kind, I'll be out buying a new shotgun. Double barrel. I wonder if I could get a double barrel with a pistol handle. (By the way, police officers. That was what's known as a 'Morbid Joke', no need to beat down Ant's door and drag him out in his underwear.)
Speaking of cops dragging people out of their house by their underwear, anybody ever get a load of that show Cops? What. The. Fuck. Right? Those were my sentiments, exactly. Especially after about five years of watching this show for a kick in the middle of a boring Sunday afternoon. Has anyone else started to notice the pattern there? It's one of two things every day:
[{{{1) Some hunk of black trash is questioned for a crime they really did commit but spend fifteen minutes hemming and hawing about how they didn't do it, only to have a witness come forward and say they did.
[{{{2) Some hunk of white trash doing the same thing, only the white ones always seem to have a secondary conflict of some kind.
What I mean by secondary conflict is the fact that, no matter what time of day the cops bust in, the white trash variety never seems to have three things: Their shoes, a shirt and cigarettes. The cops bust in the door, 'Freeze, you're under arrest for beating your wife into a bloody oblivion and leaving her outside to scream for police assistance!' - The guy crawls up from whatever ditch he was laying in (probably behind the sofa having heard the siren's blaring, as if this was a good hiding spot.) and holds their hands above their head. They've probably got about fifteen track marks in their arms, skin that looks like sallow, shaved cow ass stretched over bone and about a quarter inch of sinew that on any other day would be called cartilage. Despite never having a shirt, they've always got a baseball cap on, forwards with kinky, dirty hair sticking out the back. That is, assuming they have hair, because in most cases the smoking gave them some horrid disease no ones heard of and the hair fell out of it's own volition, looking for a cleaner environment to latch to. Like the floor of that pretty much always-despicable home of theirs. So anyway, the instant the cop slams them against the car or the floor (and I actually feel for the cops in a rare moment of empathy seeing them have to press their bodies against those unwashed night creatures with more hair than a wild sheep that's never seen clippers a day in it's life) they look over their shoulder out from under that crusty, filthy always-blue baseball cap with no shirt on and say, "H-hang on... I- can I get my shoes an'mah cigarettes off'ta table?"
Now at this moment you're probably thinking (as am I, don't feel alone), 'Why in the fuck did this person just say shoes 'off the table'?' To that, I have no answer I'm afraid. Not even I, The Biggest Ant In The Hill... have an answer to this continuing mystery. But if I ever find any clues, I'll let you all know, I promise. But I'll go on, I will, just give me a sec.
To be fair, I can't just diss the white trash, I have to hit the black trash too because in some cases they're even worse. Example: The cops bust in, 'Freeze, you're under arrest for selling crack to a five-year-old whom we just arrested for selling the crack to a three-year-old, whom we just arrested for selling the crack to a grown man whom we just arrested for selling the crack to a ten-year-old girl whom we just scolded thoroughly for calling us about it on our coffee'n'donut break!' The black guy, having an even more ingenious hiding place than the white guy, clambers out of the fucking attic and drops to the ground, instantly holding his hands out above him and flat against the floor, knowing that if he even reaches to scratch his ass they'll unload a clip in him. The black man, however, instead of having no shirt, no shoes or cigarettes just makes excuses all the way to the squad car, screaming back at his wife and calling her a bitch for turning him in, demanding that she come pay bail when he gets down to the jail house, telling his children that 'Big Daddy' will be alright and so forth. My favorite, however, are the ones that start insulting the cops as if they're hot shit, saying crap like, 'Das aight, I'll only be in there two days, bitch. I'll be back out on the streets by nightfall motha *beep*!' and basically quoting shit off TV while the cops continue to add charges on to him for resisting arrest, insulting a police officer, cursing around minors, verbal abuse and anything else they can think up because, as we all know, cops have laws designed just to make people like this person's life that much harder to live.
Oh, the other black trash morons I love are the ones that decide 'running' is a good idea. Note, these guys are usually coked out of their minds or on so much weed that they can't even feel their fucking legs, yet to them running was a wise choice. They hit it and at first they're running so fast you're sure they'll get away. As any black person in the audience knows, we black people- when scared- are the fastest motherfuckers alive. We're like cockroaches when the lights come on. 'FUCK, THEY KNOW IT'S US! SCATTER, SCATTER, SCATTER!'. I'm talkin' 'A Parade When Gunfire Goes Off'. We. Are. Gone. I've even seen black fat guys give track runners a run for their money and all they were doing was running from the police for jacking a taco from a senior citizen. This probably has a lot to do with why we're always recruited for sports. But anyway, back on topic. So they're coked up like a motherfucker and running from Officer Porky (yeah, them ain't no bulletproof vests thickenin' those cops' love handles) when suddenly the drugs kick in.
You can almost pinpoint the moment when the black guy's legs stop working. His upper body folds, his eyes drop to the ground wondering where his feet went, he trips up, a cop tackles him, and he falls. Hard. His legs start seizing up and still he struggles because he knows, on top of all those other charges he racked up talking shit at the squad car, he just got busted for running from the cops. But the funny thing about it all is the guy wasn't going to get away in the first place because his stupid ass, while trying to look 'cool and hip' in front of the 'brothaz' bought those goofy ass shoes that light up when you walk. He was basically a running 'I Did It' billboard for the Negroid Association Of Crime Fuckups Inc. He wasn't going anywhere. He could run, he could hide, but for fucks sake, in all of that exercise he didn't think to remember the tag he ripped off of his brand new shoes that he bought with illegal drug money that read 'Nike Lights: Blaze The Darkness'.
So on top of it all, his ass goes to jail and, despite all that crap he quoted off NYPD Blue, he was still in there the next day. In fact, he'd pissed off the cops so much that, not only did they beat his ass, but they put him so far under the jail his relatives had to mail him sunlight! And the show always comes from places like Miami, New York or some place in California, so you know the cops had THREE plungers in his ass that night.
I remember watching cops once and the funniest shit happened. The person I saw running from the cops? I knew 'em! Fuck knew 'em, I was related to 'em! It was the funniest shit I'd ever seen. Ol' Reggie had actually gotten a good head start on the cops too. And Reggie was one of those Speed takin' motha-fuckas, so you know the cops wasn't catchin' his ass if he got on a straightaway. But anyway, so Reggie's runnin', right? And the family and I get enthused. We were like:
'Run! RUN REGGIE, RUN! YEAH! Show those pigs why you lettered in track! GOD DAMN, Reggie that was a HIGH ass jump. I didn't know you could do that! Dude, dude, no- no! Not. That. Way! TAKE A RIGHT. TAKE A RIGHT!'
Long story short, Reggie got gimped in the leg with a Cop Baton and drug off kicking and screaming and crying like a bitch. Then again, Reggie was so high I'm sure he thought the Keebler Elves were back again trying to have sex with the crevices between his toes. Ah well. S'what I get for knowing broke family.
But all that aside, I figure I'll just scare the kiddies this year with homegrown Asshole attire. Basically me standing on the front porch shouting things like, 'The first fucker that steps on my porch, I'm lettin' Kujo loose on their ass!'
Bah, whatever. I'm getting out of here before I break Live Journal.
Hybrid: Out.