nameless girl #17 (from Situation Pimp)
since today reminded me of many other days of self-pity and worthlessness, the following post from my past rings true to me today:
i didn't mean to figure this out... this wasn't an analysis that i labored to make - it instead just happened upon me like an old penny or a summer cold. (section omitted - irrelevant to today's feelings of invisibility)
my role, my call, my part in this play, is "nameless girl #17 who falls on sword". like a martyr who isn't remembered til dead; the artist who can't sell his work til he goes insane or dies.... i am the one that comes into your life, spins it around, shows you things you have never seen before.... makes you feel pleasure, hope, faith, fear, and anger to extents and depths never before experienced by you. whatever you were supposed to realize about yourself, i help you see. not because i know what that something is, but because i turn you inside and out and as a result YOU see your truth.... i am the car accident that nearly claimed your life but instead changed your life - near death-ed you into becoming that man you were always meant to be.... but like a car accident, you don't need to carry me with you. sure, the memory is there and necessary, but shackling the twisted metal to your ankle, dragging it thru life is unnecessary. you have been freed, not condemned. i am supposed to tear into your life and then fall away... i am not supposed to remain. i may remind you that you actually DID have true love with your ex. that you CAN be a doctor and 35 isn't too late to start. that you are settling in your career and you can move on. that you are gay and should be proud to be yourself. on and on and on and on.....
my self loathing narcissism demands that you remember me - that you toast me at your wedding - that you quote me in your inauguration speech... that you sing of me in your album. since i do not believe i was meant to last physically in the life of anyone, i demand that i remain in your mind - that you change because of me but also remember that change.
i am not prince charming, but instead the fairy godmother... called upon when needed but ignored soon after. trapped in crystal balls, magic wands, bottles and spell books.... waiting to be used then discarded again.
(funny isn't it, that even when we are admitting that we are imperfect, insignificant people, we are still admitting that we think we are everything. narcissism is a very funny thing.....)
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(c) Posted by luvautumn at Friday, November 23, 2007
http://situationpimp.blogspot.com/2007/11/nameless-girl-17.html
i didn't mean to figure this out... this wasn't an analysis that i labored to make - it instead just happened upon me like an old penny or a summer cold. (section omitted - irrelevant to today's feelings of invisibility)
my role, my call, my part in this play, is "nameless girl #17 who falls on sword". like a martyr who isn't remembered til dead; the artist who can't sell his work til he goes insane or dies.... i am the one that comes into your life, spins it around, shows you things you have never seen before.... makes you feel pleasure, hope, faith, fear, and anger to extents and depths never before experienced by you. whatever you were supposed to realize about yourself, i help you see. not because i know what that something is, but because i turn you inside and out and as a result YOU see your truth.... i am the car accident that nearly claimed your life but instead changed your life - near death-ed you into becoming that man you were always meant to be.... but like a car accident, you don't need to carry me with you. sure, the memory is there and necessary, but shackling the twisted metal to your ankle, dragging it thru life is unnecessary. you have been freed, not condemned. i am supposed to tear into your life and then fall away... i am not supposed to remain. i may remind you that you actually DID have true love with your ex. that you CAN be a doctor and 35 isn't too late to start. that you are settling in your career and you can move on. that you are gay and should be proud to be yourself. on and on and on and on.....
my self loathing narcissism demands that you remember me - that you toast me at your wedding - that you quote me in your inauguration speech... that you sing of me in your album. since i do not believe i was meant to last physically in the life of anyone, i demand that i remain in your mind - that you change because of me but also remember that change.
i am not prince charming, but instead the fairy godmother... called upon when needed but ignored soon after. trapped in crystal balls, magic wands, bottles and spell books.... waiting to be used then discarded again.
(funny isn't it, that even when we are admitting that we are imperfect, insignificant people, we are still admitting that we think we are everything. narcissism is a very funny thing.....)
*****************************************
(c) Posted by luvautumn at Friday, November 23, 2007
http://situationpimp.blogspot.com/2007/11/nameless-girl-17.html