self rape sonar
My cute FDNY friend apparently is not getting laid properly in his relationship and wants my help.
I'm so tired of this.
Uninvited shit even when worded kindly as w this guy, makes me wonder what kind of vibe do I put out there. He's known me 4ever and we've never hooked up. We met AFTER my slut phase and knows nothing about it.
Thick, thin, make up abd without, men only want 2 use me.
Its not that I'm hot, I think its cuz they think I'm easy.
A rapist at the forensic hosp I interned in said he and his kind can smell victims cuz they've been victimized before and will submit easier knowing what can happen if they don't.
I think, somehow and not with all the guys, some of them can smell that I've lost my ability 2 say no... That I will go along with, agree 2 or even initiate sexual shit when I think I've lost their attention.
I blame many guys for being pigs, other guys for being immature and others still for being predators that know I'm broken and weak or at at least hope I am.
At the end of the day, its my fault for re-raping myself but I DO wonder how its so obvious 2 people that I have this vulnerability... I no longer tan, dress trendy and cute, get my hair colored, go 2 bars, flirt or drink.... All of the big signs I used before to get attention have been torn down. I dress like I'm going 2 a football game, wear only mascara, moisturizer and lip gloss...
I'm also, for some, online, and can't be accused of flirting.
But when they start, I get all righteous about being hard to get or that I require being courted... But once I sense they might think I'm 2 boring, I either allow them 2 flirt or bring it up myself.
Then I feel used and even disappointed in THEM. I know full well that I'm doing it 2 myself but I still feel victimized.
So what do I do? Avoid all men save 4 ian - who's leaving? Can't be trusted 2 be alone w paul either cuz I get so caught up in the idea of being wanted - or fear of not being wanted - or the idea of being w someone I shouldn't.
If I'd cheat on joe because I didn't know how NOT, I'd cheat on anyone... My husband, someone elses... My christian work has made me realize the harm, guilt and wrongness of it but I'm not strong enuf in the Lord 2 do as he says. Its truly a compulsion - one I don't even enjoy... Not during and esp not after.
I'm an addict and I don't even like my drug.
I'm so tired of this.
Uninvited shit even when worded kindly as w this guy, makes me wonder what kind of vibe do I put out there. He's known me 4ever and we've never hooked up. We met AFTER my slut phase and knows nothing about it.
Thick, thin, make up abd without, men only want 2 use me.
Its not that I'm hot, I think its cuz they think I'm easy.
A rapist at the forensic hosp I interned in said he and his kind can smell victims cuz they've been victimized before and will submit easier knowing what can happen if they don't.
I think, somehow and not with all the guys, some of them can smell that I've lost my ability 2 say no... That I will go along with, agree 2 or even initiate sexual shit when I think I've lost their attention.
I blame many guys for being pigs, other guys for being immature and others still for being predators that know I'm broken and weak or at at least hope I am.
At the end of the day, its my fault for re-raping myself but I DO wonder how its so obvious 2 people that I have this vulnerability... I no longer tan, dress trendy and cute, get my hair colored, go 2 bars, flirt or drink.... All of the big signs I used before to get attention have been torn down. I dress like I'm going 2 a football game, wear only mascara, moisturizer and lip gloss...
I'm also, for some, online, and can't be accused of flirting.
But when they start, I get all righteous about being hard to get or that I require being courted... But once I sense they might think I'm 2 boring, I either allow them 2 flirt or bring it up myself.
Then I feel used and even disappointed in THEM. I know full well that I'm doing it 2 myself but I still feel victimized.
So what do I do? Avoid all men save 4 ian - who's leaving? Can't be trusted 2 be alone w paul either cuz I get so caught up in the idea of being wanted - or fear of not being wanted - or the idea of being w someone I shouldn't.
If I'd cheat on joe because I didn't know how NOT, I'd cheat on anyone... My husband, someone elses... My christian work has made me realize the harm, guilt and wrongness of it but I'm not strong enuf in the Lord 2 do as he says. Its truly a compulsion - one I don't even enjoy... Not during and esp not after.
I'm an addict and I don't even like my drug.