may be triggering, pls beware
It frightens me how quickly 2 suicidal pain and rage I can go during an altercation w my mother.
Does it mean I'm feeling this way always and either she or mental distress brings it out? Or does she alone bring this intense desire out? I truly don't know...
I don't feel depressed at all at any other time tho I do wish I'd lose weight and build a better social life... But I'm really ok... At least I feel like I am.
But when our strange bullshit happens - and ill explain w detail later as I've been typing on my phone making mistakes and cramping 4 a few entries now - I truly want 2 either go in2 a coma, be hospitalized for something horrific and medical OR check out 4 good. I never try but just cry and beg God 2 take me...
Why on earth do I let someone take me 2 that hellish place? Don't I own myself and thoughts? Why do I give my sanity over 2 others????
Will I 4ever be a Holly Hunter movie or will I one day learn 2 heal this???
Ever see that movie staring blythe danner and jim carey??? The house on something drive, I think? The daughter married 2 thet ugly guy w glasses who turns in2 a nut job around her mother?? And jim carey who drinks and stands out loud as the familys symptom and scapegoat???? I'm a combo of those 2 characters... Maybe even the gay brother who's afraid 2 be the true him... And rightfully so as his mother all but rejects him.... Tho not gay, I can relate 2 that dread of being found out or seen as u truly r rather than how ppl wished u be????
That's me when my mom and I have our episodes.... Makes me wana go on a hunger strike... Maybe take up vodka and start serial dating again...
A severe asthma attack kept me from driving bacj 2 my place and tho things calmed down, it wuz me who had 2 reach out. She is always the cold one... Never utters apologies ever...
Makes me doubt my sanity and worth and value... Makes me wonder how they - my family- really see me.
Makes me wish I had my own new family 2 fall in2 or at least a great friend I can drink 2 much wine with and laugh til my mascara runs down my face...
I regress when these episodes happen. I'm a walking freudian casestudy...
And I sit here wheezing.
Does it mean I'm feeling this way always and either she or mental distress brings it out? Or does she alone bring this intense desire out? I truly don't know...
I don't feel depressed at all at any other time tho I do wish I'd lose weight and build a better social life... But I'm really ok... At least I feel like I am.
But when our strange bullshit happens - and ill explain w detail later as I've been typing on my phone making mistakes and cramping 4 a few entries now - I truly want 2 either go in2 a coma, be hospitalized for something horrific and medical OR check out 4 good. I never try but just cry and beg God 2 take me...
Why on earth do I let someone take me 2 that hellish place? Don't I own myself and thoughts? Why do I give my sanity over 2 others????
Will I 4ever be a Holly Hunter movie or will I one day learn 2 heal this???
Ever see that movie staring blythe danner and jim carey??? The house on something drive, I think? The daughter married 2 thet ugly guy w glasses who turns in2 a nut job around her mother?? And jim carey who drinks and stands out loud as the familys symptom and scapegoat???? I'm a combo of those 2 characters... Maybe even the gay brother who's afraid 2 be the true him... And rightfully so as his mother all but rejects him.... Tho not gay, I can relate 2 that dread of being found out or seen as u truly r rather than how ppl wished u be????
That's me when my mom and I have our episodes.... Makes me wana go on a hunger strike... Maybe take up vodka and start serial dating again...
A severe asthma attack kept me from driving bacj 2 my place and tho things calmed down, it wuz me who had 2 reach out. She is always the cold one... Never utters apologies ever...
Makes me doubt my sanity and worth and value... Makes me wonder how they - my family- really see me.
Makes me wish I had my own new family 2 fall in2 or at least a great friend I can drink 2 much wine with and laugh til my mascara runs down my face...
I regress when these episodes happen. I'm a walking freudian casestudy...
And I sit here wheezing.