pimped pain - the day in the life of a situation pimp
pimped pain - the day in the life of a situation pimp
i am more CO-DEPENDENT usually then purely empathic. don't get me wrong, i do FEEL the true feelings of others often, but i also get side tracked by this near pathological and semi-arrogant need to fix them. i promise, promise, promise, that i don't believe in my heart that i am God and that i can fix the world. but somewhere subconsciously, i am attached and defined by my advice - my words - my intellect... that my words are little pieces of me and when listened to, they and i become alive. when ignored and the person experiences pain as a result of not following my advice (the times the advice is dead on, that is), i not only feel the pain literally in my gut for THEM, but i also feel anger... i feel slighted.... i feel rejected... and i then realize that i am not grieving WITH them but BECAUSE of them. and somewhere along the line, my attempt to help and heal another, became yet another unconscious attempt to promote myself into existence.
i need to be needed.
i sometimes actually interpret someone's lack of NEEDING me as a sign they don't love me. i almost cannot get my head around the idea that they are with me simply because they WANT to be.
what does THAT feel like? to want and not need?
i don't believe i have ever felt that and that is probably why i can't conceive it in another.
i don't WANT to control people, but Lord knows that is what i try to do.
without conscious attempts, i swear, i try to manipulate the situation so they can see my side, follow my advice.... yes, i DO want them to be happy. and that is a huge motivator for me. and yes, i DO believe that my advice is good advice and that it can/will help (often my advice isn't born in my head but recalled from texts, books and life in general. i don't always think i am the authority because i think i am smart, but i do, however, think i am the authority on pain and that perhaps i know the best ways out of it. it IS arrogance, i know, but it feels to me more like desperate attempts to save someone else for THEIR benefit, not just mine.)
but i also selfishly wish to save them...
i want to BE someone to somebody.
i want to be the solution for once and not the problem.
i want to be necessary and when you are needed, people can't leave you (the lunatic assumes)...
and most shamefully, i admit that i also want to save them so the pain stops in me.
when they call me and tell me of their hurts, i feel them as if they were mind. am i nice? am i an empath? or just a nutty borderline sponge? who knows.... but i feel it in my gut and it haunts my mind just as if the pain were in fact mine.
and when they don't listen to what i innocently believe will quash the pain, and the pain therefore continues.... i grow mad. mad that they didn't respect the little bits of me i offered to them in words.... and mad that now i am still pained yet lacking the control to stop it.
sympathy pains become empathy pains
and eventually empathy pains become pimped pain.
i am more CO-DEPENDENT usually then purely empathic. don't get me wrong, i do FEEL the true feelings of others often, but i also get side tracked by this near pathological and semi-arrogant need to fix them. i promise, promise, promise, that i don't believe in my heart that i am God and that i can fix the world. but somewhere subconsciously, i am attached and defined by my advice - my words - my intellect... that my words are little pieces of me and when listened to, they and i become alive. when ignored and the person experiences pain as a result of not following my advice (the times the advice is dead on, that is), i not only feel the pain literally in my gut for THEM, but i also feel anger... i feel slighted.... i feel rejected... and i then realize that i am not grieving WITH them but BECAUSE of them. and somewhere along the line, my attempt to help and heal another, became yet another unconscious attempt to promote myself into existence.
i need to be needed.
i sometimes actually interpret someone's lack of NEEDING me as a sign they don't love me. i almost cannot get my head around the idea that they are with me simply because they WANT to be.
what does THAT feel like? to want and not need?
i don't believe i have ever felt that and that is probably why i can't conceive it in another.
i don't WANT to control people, but Lord knows that is what i try to do.
without conscious attempts, i swear, i try to manipulate the situation so they can see my side, follow my advice.... yes, i DO want them to be happy. and that is a huge motivator for me. and yes, i DO believe that my advice is good advice and that it can/will help (often my advice isn't born in my head but recalled from texts, books and life in general. i don't always think i am the authority because i think i am smart, but i do, however, think i am the authority on pain and that perhaps i know the best ways out of it. it IS arrogance, i know, but it feels to me more like desperate attempts to save someone else for THEIR benefit, not just mine.)
but i also selfishly wish to save them...
i want to BE someone to somebody.
i want to be the solution for once and not the problem.
i want to be necessary and when you are needed, people can't leave you (the lunatic assumes)...
and most shamefully, i admit that i also want to save them so the pain stops in me.
when they call me and tell me of their hurts, i feel them as if they were mind. am i nice? am i an empath? or just a nutty borderline sponge? who knows.... but i feel it in my gut and it haunts my mind just as if the pain were in fact mine.
and when they don't listen to what i innocently believe will quash the pain, and the pain therefore continues.... i grow mad. mad that they didn't respect the little bits of me i offered to them in words.... and mad that now i am still pained yet lacking the control to stop it.
sympathy pains become empathy pains
and eventually empathy pains become pimped pain.