when machines send messages
U know ur beyond paranoid when a left vacuum cleaner is an object of mockery and judgement... When it utters not a sound but it speaks of ur failure. Sure u showered, dressed and fed 4 hungry, non compliant ladies... But didja vacuum
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Personally I think the neurosis's(spelling check) and the fears, and the anxiety of failure are what make us human. we place our fears as external messages, because it makes them easier to conceptualise and deal with. If as a race or species we did not fear anything, we would fail to achieve, we would lack motivation.
The truly scary thing is not the little niggling things accusing us of failure: A hoover (vacuum cleaner, curse my British lingo)or a pile of dishes, the game over screen, or a thousand and one things that remind us we are not perfect, and that we are in some respects stuck, with only ourselves to help. It is the people who can ignore those things, or who don't see them. Self doubt, or fear is a lot more humble and well rounded than arrogance and ignorance. That appliance, or that tap may well be a bastard, a evil little sod, but it gives you a drive to act, to unplug the damn thing, to reafirm that you are doing what you should be.
The day I stop being bothered about my inadequacies is the day I become cut off from the world, lost in my maze of arrogance and idiocy. That does not mean the appliances and the demons should rule our lives, it merely means they should be observed, noted with due cause, and then wiped away. A vacuum cleaner can always be unplugged, a tap can always be made to stop dripping.
As for burying yourself in manicures, I bite my nails, and so find little cause for them.
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not to long ago i worked a brief 2 year stint as a CSR for a wholesale P&C insurance company. my direct supervisor, though a thoughtful and often brilliant man, was a neurotic, self-loathing homosexual who for having grown up in an even less tolerant time, assumes that the world hates him because he is gay. (never realizing, of course, that the hatred OFTEN felt toward him stems from his annoying micromanaging, NOT his sexual orientation). he became so obsessed with the idea that the world was against him, that he protected himself from attacks that were never guna happen. he saw drama where there was none and thought the cross i displayed on my cubicle wall was a silent message to him, saying "God hates Fags". (funny thing is, real Christians do not HATE homosexuals and if anything, he was safer at my side than those who mocked him in secret.)
i realized while working there that if i let my fears and self loathing run my life, i would be just like him... old, bitter, alone though surrounded by friends, paranoid and chronically physically ill.
my next job was at a top commercial law firm in manhattan. i worked as a legal and personal assistant to the named partner. this partner was beyond arrogant. he wasn't typical lawyer arrogant, but Young and the Restless meets Dr. House theatrically arrogant. he wore it like a badge of honor. he managed to mention in casual conversation that he owned and piloted his own plane... he was obsessed with himself. this desire to self promote was beyond transparent as a fear of exposure. he didn't like himself very much so he overcompensated with public self love. he treated people like trash because like machivelli, he thought he'd never be loved to the point of loyalty, and so preferred to be hated. to frighten people into being his "friend", assistant, partner, slave. he spoke about his money - which was plenty. he spoke of his legal prowess, which was near flawless and he spoke of his success, which WAS self made. but he never let you in. conversations were of business and politics.... he spoke like the wall street journal and if he cracked a joke, it surely was planned and penned before hand and quite possibly rehearsed in front of his mirror. he could of been like-able but he didn't believe it so... so he chose to be hated and took pride in his big, grandiose ability to deflect anything other than praise.
i quickly realized here that if i let MY arrogance reign, i would be just like him - old, bitter, self loathing, empty and alone.
so what i am taking WAY WAY WAY too long to say, is that i AM grateful for those little reminders that keep me balance. that i am not perfect and that there is always room for humility, apology, and growth.
but these are sane concepts.
and when you are sitting on a donated couch in an apartment full of the mentally retarded and developmentally disabled you are paid to protect and care for, and appliances make you BELIEVE to a delusional extent that someone in management is trying to tell you something, you have overstepped balance.... you have crossed over to that equally self-absorbed place that says, "not only are you not perfect, but the entire world knows it, is discussing it and planning on getting rid of you."
when a reminder that we are human fails to motivate but instead condemns, you know your meds may need a little upping and your therapist may need a visit!
LOL
xoxo
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