(no subject)
Yeesh…..
Allan and I have been together almost 3 years now (August 14th to be exact). In those 3 years I can count on one hand how many times he has said “I love you”. The first time being 2 years into our relationship at LAX as I was about to board a plane to Switzerland.
He just doesn’t talk about feelings and love and stuff like that at all. His argument is that “actions speak louder than words”. Ok…..I get that part. And I have learned (from him) what real love is. Love is putting up with my crap, my moodiness, my pouting, my passive-aggressiveness (which I’ve honed into a fine art form)…and still investing himself in me and my life.
However………….since he doesn’t talk about the “L” word, there is no talk about the future, whether or not we want to spend the rest of our lives together….stuff like that. I’m still not sure I’m up to getting married again. Sometimes I would like to have a ring on my finger - but most of the time the very idea scares the hell outta me. Although I will admit that I do have EVERYTHING picked out should he pop the question…..the dress, the location, the invitations, the flowers....(yes...I'm a dork)
So do I ask him if he sees us having a long-term future together? I know that if I ask him the question, he will answer it honestly. But I’m scared that it might not be the answer that I’m looking for…and then what do I do? (I tell you what I’d do….I’d probably rent out my house and run home to mama in San Diego and wear black every day for the rest of my life. Maybe even take up muttering to myself)
Why the hell do I feel like this is high school all over again? I’ve always kept my feelings to myself regarding this issue, but for some reason I want to AT THE VERY LEAST have the freedom to talk about “us” maybe buying a house together, or “us” going into the same retirement home together or “us” being registered as domestic partners or maybe sharing a bank account and bills? I spent 10 years in a shitty marriage by keeping my feelings to myself and never speaking my mind. I vowed that this time would be different, that I would be different. And I have come a long way baby, but this has been on my heart/mind for a couple of years now. And I’ve always wanted the kind of freedom in a relationship where I could speak my mind and not be afraid.
Do you know how hard it is to check every word that comes out of my mouth? To make sure that I don’t say anything even remotely resembling “future” talk? It’s really starting to get to me and I’m getting resentful because of it. The last thing I want to do on this earth is start to resent my man, because he is the greatest gift that God ever gave to me. And I don’t want to fuck this up - and I’m afraid I will by wanting to talk about a future. But then I’m angry because I feel like I can’t talk about a future because HE doesn’t talk about a future. Is 3 years together enough "couple" time to start bringing stuff like this up? Or am I jumping the gun?
UGH!! I just don’t know……I’m confused.
The upside to all of this is that if he doesn't want a future, then that means I can come home to San Diego and take care of my Grandma.