A short story ...
Now, I must say lately I have been struggling with a few thoughts / feeling spiritually. In many ways even writing this post shows the change that I have gone through from before, from two years ago. I can look back through this very journal and see that from two years ago, my focus and way of thinking was quite different. It is hard since part of me remembers clearly just how I looked at people such as me. Christians. At one point in my mind they seemed crazy to be preaching about the Bible, to gather together and pray to go to Church and sing. To me they were almost part of a cult, I was scared of them and scared of what they had to say. I wouldn't listen, I didn't want to listen. Instead I put on a smile and allowed them to continue on with their preaching ways since everyone has a right to their opinion. The thing is, I came to realize it's not a matter of opinion, it's a matter of what is true and what is not true.
I am not sure where exactly this change happened. I never doubted the existence of a God. One look around me, or rather at me points to creation. Fascinated by biology, the way this world works together, is a miracle. And miracles do not just happen on their own. I also always believed that God could hear me, that he was listening, that he cared, and that if I was a good person I would surely go to heaven after I die. And seeing as I was a good person, why would I need to worry about anything else? That was that for me.
But was I really a good person, am I really? Was that enough to allow me into heaven once I die? Really, if that was the case than everyone would go to heaven since most people like to believe that they are relatively good. Relatively. Relative in relation to what? Other human beings on this planet?
It is James really, that started the thinking. I wish it was not in some ways. Since he is my boyfriend, I do not want people to think well she is only doing this because of him. I wish I asked the question myself and then went searching. In the end though, I do not think it'll matter who or what provoked me to embark on this journey. James asked me, when talking about going to heaven who decides who is good...I didn't have a logical answer to him and this frusterated me.
Before this conversation happened, I had been spying all along on his family. They were actually genuienly happy. Sure there were disagreements, but there was not any yelling or screaming, there were discussions, where they could actually share their real feelings with each other. They talked about important things that I could only wish I could talk to my parents about, without feeling forced.
What a harsh contrast to my life, and the way I grew up. Where there is yelling, and screaming, and fighting. Putting down of each other. Me and my family are more like roomates. People living in the same house. Maybe that sounds horrible. My parents are nice people. There is always enough food, and everything that I could have ever wanted in my house. They care about what I do with my life. But I could not confide in my parents or discuss things that really bother me the way James could with his. I remember wishing that my mom was my "best friend" in the sense that I wish I could confide in her about anything and ask her about advice. That comfort is not there.
The biggest difference, is that his family was Christian mine was not. I was a superficial Christian. We celebrate Chrismas and Easter, and sometimes go to church. But did I , or my parents really know what it means to be a Christian beyond that? I do not think so...and I did not think it mattered much until James provoked me in a sense.
I love researching so I went looking. I had friends from all sort of religious backgrounds, surely they could not be wrong, why couldn't we all be right? The more I searched the more I realized that Christianity is based on something real and concrete. It is historically proven, and the only religious book that predicts in so many ways the future, so much so that it cannot be coincidence. Most importantly, it hinges not on our own capability to be good, but on Jesus. Who regognized that we could not be perfect ever, and died so that we may have a place in heaven.
What a concept to grasp.
Really do, that is just the first step. This was not hard to come to the conclusion. Well perhaps a bit, it took about maybe a few months of reading and researching. What was a bit harder was admiting that I am not good. The last year really was a huge shock to me. Before I read the Bible and prayed. I read the Bible to gain knowledge, and prayed more so, because I felt like I had to, it was more meachnical than real, and anyone can come to do that. I do not think I was really giving up my life, I was serving two masters in a way, trying to hold on to my old way of life. How hypocritical, it disgusts me to even think of it.
God gave me a harsh reality check in some ways. In many ways. I was a Christian yet I continued to do the exact same things as I did before and sometimes even worse. Opportunities came up where I could have chosen to act as a Christian would, yet I chose to be selfish. This did not only hurt me it hurt those around me.
Surely this was a very good indication of where I stood. This realization sits heavy on my heart right now, doing all these things and there are many, have really served to hinder me spiritually than help me grow. I have come to realize it's about choice. Knowing that Jesus is the way is not enough, you must choose to follow him. I am choosing that, and sometimes it's hard not to look back. I believe though that God is showing me things I need to work on. I know he is listening, yesterday I was really upset. Inside I feel almost hurt and anxious when I pray. I think it's because of everything that has happened in the last year. I kind of magically expected it to go away once I came back and really focused on growing. I now realize that's a bit unrealistic since no relationship works like that, and growing does not happen suddently. It'll take time but I believe it's possible.
This is where really the intention of my post all began, and somehow I got carried away with a story. Anyways I was reading and thinking about how I re-acted to some situations I was in yesterday and realized I was just being mean and treating others the way I would not have liked to be treated. The Bible clearly says that (Matthew 6:12) "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets." I am so guilty of not doing this, all the time, only when it suits me. I can be mean to others, sometimes to people who have done nothing to deserve this from me. Taking part in gossiping about someone I do not even know, commenting on what someone is wearing, excluding others...it's not good.
Then I thought, we should love each other, is not that one of the most beautiful things we are able to do, and encouraged to do. The Bible says that we should (Ephesians 5: 1) "Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children 2and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Purposely hurting others, or even unpurposely is not exactly living a life of love. Treating others the way I would not like to be treated is not love. Why is this? Because I do not want to love others, I want to be selfish, or rather I want to do these good things only when it is convenient. This is a problem because well (1 John 4:18) "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love". I protest at this last statement. I do know God. Do I? I ask myself...I think the more correct thing to answer is I am starting to know God.
I am at the begining of this journey. I know I have accepted Jesus for who he was, and I have accepted what he did for me. I believe that because of Him I may have a chance to go to Heaven, to live a life with a purpose, to know true happiness and peace. Just because I believe all this does not mean I will miraculously be a good person suddently. I'm just begining to know who God really is and what he would have me do, and this requires patience...patience patience patience. Patient I shall be.