Reality

[luvcrush12]

I do want to be a nurse, but sometimes I dont think Im cut out for it. My mom PRAISES to everyone on how Im becoming a nurse and how it was a dream of hers to be one, so yeah, I am going to school because nursing is a good job, but I think deep down im doing it for my mom too. I always focused on, what if my family got sick, I would be the one to have to take care of everyone. There is no way Id ever let my dad have my brothers, so having my degree has always been important, but it's to the point where ive lost track on what's really important to me, what makes me happy. I havent been happy in forever. I mean yeah, I am happy somedays, but UTTERLY happy, nope, cant remember. But, maybe that's the price you have to pay..maybe you have to sacrifice some things for something bigger. The bigger picture I guess. The counselor in my school thinks Im depressed and should be put on meds, perhaps, but I mean Ive always been able to find things that make me happy. Like walking in the park when its snowing. Just laying in the grass, and lately just drinking cocoa and looking at the stars. The little things, that make you feel small I guess. I told him I feel so insignificant sometimes. Like if I died would someone never forget me? Did I make a mark so big in someones life that it changed them? I just wonder if I matter sometimes. I had a plan for my life when i was with noel. Now it's just scattered. How long till I graduate? Will I be a good nurse? Will I find love again? Will I choose the right college next year? I mean it's all up in the air. My mom said maybe i should take next semester off and just have time to myself, but i feel if I do that Ill be even more lost, but maybe not? If im not in school I dont feel like Im on track, and I at least need ONE thing on track in my life, despite it being maybe one more year of schooling. I really think I over analyze things too much. I wish people would live up to there word sometimes. Like I do wish I could just drive off somewhere one day. And maybe i will. Probably to philly, pittsburg, or NY for the day. Who knows. I layed in the park tonight listening to music and thats it. I didnt think, I just listened for once. I would be dead if it werent for music. I really miss nick and caroline more than they could possibly imagine. Nicks coming home this weekend and getting me drunk appearently. Eh, should be fun. I really just want to scream. I want to have meaning to something or someone. I love nick and caroline and everyone in my life, but I miss having that other half. I miss it, but Im not desperate or crazy for it. They say something better and greater always comes along. So Im hoping thats true. I do believe still things happen for a reason, i wish others would see that too. I decided im saving up and going to ireland over the summer. At max a week, but probably 3 days. Its a dream Im going to make come true. I was going to the beach this weekend and i still REALLY want to go, but nicks coming up and I have seen him for a while, but we'll see. Still definetly going for new years. I hope people come up, it should be a BLAST. If I dont have anyone to kiss Im either getting so drunk ill make out with a plant or something or kiss caroline lol. I dont care, I want a new years kiss. It sucks not having someone around here, mainly a boy that would go to the dance with me at my school. SUCKS BALLS. I really want to go, but I got no one. Woe is me. Even if it was a friend, I dont care I just wunna go. Blah, such is life.

Take chances is what im trying.
And finding someone to kiss on new years.lol
I guess Im optimistic?