(no subject)
Im tired. Im tired of feeling like this. For the most part, Ive been ok, but not being able to sleep the past two weeks has been kicking my ass. Im not going to lie, but I do miss him. I can't though, but Im giving him what he wants and I refuse for that to happen. I just want him to go away. He broke my heart and on the days I do feel ok, I have to push it to the back of me head. Its not a good feeling. It was for the most part a learning experience, but it hurts knowing he was my first and I think back to when we would be in my bed and he would tell me he loves me and wants to marry me and thats what hurts the most. He used to tell me the only way our relationship could ever end was if I broke up with him or I cheated on him because there was no way he would ever do either to me, and obviously he lied and I was an idiot. His parents never liked me, so Im sure they got what they always wanted. His sisters hated my guys. But, I always told myself I dont care, Im in love with him, not them. I feel like such an idiot. Im sick of drinking, but it tends to help, especially when Im around my friends. And its nice having a crush, but being single for the first time in four years is so foreign to me. I dont know how to go about it now. Things and the way you approach a relationship are so different now compared to when I was 15. I miss him, I really do, and thats what hurts the most. Knowing he didnt have the nerve to call and tell me or even keep in touch, or break up with me differently. I know if he broke up with me in general I would have been a mess, but I wish he didn't yell at me on the phone, make me cry for 2 weeks and wonder where the hell are relationship was going, all the while I was the one trying to fix things, trying to change. All the while he was cheating on me. Thats what kills me. It hurts looking at the couples on campus, because I remember thats what I had, and I hate looking at the women who are married or pregnant because that what I want, maybe not now, but I do want that, but I dont know when is what hurts. I hate him so much for doing this to me, making me suffer, making me ill, but maybe thats what he was aiming for. All my friends NOW tell me that he was a jerk, treated me badly, I changed so much for him and he did nothing, which yeah OK I can see, but although I hate what he did to me, I always think back to when we were in my bed or nevermind, it hurts too much. I wish I could just stop crying, and stop loving him and move on, but then again one of my problems has always been trouble of letting things go, and I loved him more than anything in this world and now I just feel like someone stabbed me and is watching me slowly die. I just want to get away for a while. I hate knowing hes only like a few minutes from me. Im so tired of all this.