Todays been rough
Today so far has been the worst. I was so depressed and tired this morning I couldn't make out of bed, so I missed Chem and Chem Lab. But, I plan on dropping those anyways, because it's unrealistic that they make me take Chem and A&P this semester. It hurts just knowing he's kissing another girl, hugging her, and just simply not giving a shit about me and that we just broke up like 2 weeks ago. I dont get it! Four years. The guy I thought I was going to marry and have kids with, just changed, instantly over night. Its like a light switch that he turned off. Everyone says Im better off and that he trated me like shit, and the past month, yes I can see that. But, it hurts knowing the guy I lost my virginity too, the guy who helped me through my illness, the guy I fell totally in love with won't even call me to talk about whats going on. Instead he ignores me, plays games with me, gives me hope even though I know it will never happen. It hurts, it hurts really bad, especially today for some reason. It hurts alot more knowing my true friends aren't here to help me, they call and everything, but it's hard. All of them say to forget about him, Im amazing and deserve someone who acutally loves me. I get it, I do deserve someone who will call me, who will go to starbucks with me just to talk, who can bring flowers sometimes, WHO DOESNT CHEAT ON ME, someone who'll not make fun of friends of family, or anything! It hurts knowing whether or not I trust another guy again. My dad fucked that all up, and when I met know I felt, Great! Love DOES exist! I thought he was a good guy, but no I was wrong. Instead over night, he wont call me, yells at me on the phone to shut the fuck up, or call me annoying, wont tell me if they love me, BREAKS UP WITH ME OVER TEXT MESSAGING! What the fuck is that?! I knew something had to be going on, but I believed him whe he said he wasn't cheating on me. I feel like he ruined me. If he'd at least helped me through it, or even kept it casual friends AND NOT CHEAT ON ME, then yes I wouldn't be hurting so bad. I thought I had a plan, I was in a committed relationship, studying nursing, was in love and would marry him. Now everythings up in the air. I don't want to be in the area because I dont want to see him or his family. Ive grown tired of being here, I just want my degree and to get the fuck out. This town is too small despite what's around. When nick told me people have been seeing noel kiss that lauren girl I knew he was cheating on me with, I felt like someone punched me so hard in the stomach I couldn't move. I wanted to vomit, simply because he gave me hope that we could get back together. And now, nothing. Realistically, if we ever did get back together I could never love him like I did before or trust him for that matter. My dad cheated on my mom and ran out on us, and now Noel's doing it to me. I feel like such an idiot. Im tired of crying, and feeling this way, but it's come to that. Some days Im ok, others not so much. I just dont understand how four years dont mean shit to him. But, like I said, Ive been through alot, Im a great person, and I know ill be ok. I just hate knowing the only things that help are sleeping or drinking now. I wish time would speed up and help me. Im definetly getting my tattoo when I get my money and Im going to kick ass this semester so I can hopefully get into UVA or if not, transfer elsewhere. Im sick of this place.