Wow
ya know, i worry too much. I'm sitting here thinking of all the things that could be wrong right now. About all these people's opinions of me. Of my opinions of them. Of my reactions to things, and how that affects people ideas of me. Of grades. Of tests. Of school. Of friends that i actually worry about keeping as friends. I mean what the hell? Why on god's green earth do i worry about keeping friends? isn't that counterintuitive to the idea of friends for cripes sake? So i'm sitting here in a crappy mood. Just sitting, and worrying about my chinese test tomorrow that i should be studying for. And I'm not saying that life sucks. And i'm not saying that my life isn't great. Cuz it is. I'm just looking at things, and noticing that there are alot of interesting things about life. Interesting as in weird as a monkey on acid. I mean, I'm competing against people on whom i count for emotional support, comradery, fun, etc... for these randomly arranged ink dots on a page that spell out a randomly assigned letter which was randomnly created. That letter, in turn, will arbitrarily equate to my intelligence, and thus the college that i go to, which will also assign me random ink dots. Not to mention the fact that in terms of life, I have it pretty damn easy. I'm not complaining mind you, but I'm wondering how people deal. I mean, i have alot fewer factors to worry about then others. I have an amazing girlfriend. I'm getting ok grades. I'm still under my parent's roof. I get along great with my family (mainly cuz they put up with my eccentricities), i can get along with most people at school... I mean, where's the flaw in the picture? I don't seem to be able to find one, and yet, for some reason, my brain is more often than not, worrying. And i read Liz's and Katie's journals, and read Liz's observations on herself, and all i was thinking was how did/does she deal? I mean, she has so many more causes for unhappiness than i do, and yet, she comes to school five times more bouncy than i do, and manages to always smile. And i'm not bitching about me, I'm more admiring her. Looking around me at school I'm beginning to see more and more people (as i get to know them better) who are just freakin amazing. And while this makes me happy, it also makes me sad, because most of these people feel that they're inadequate in some way. They are unable to see their pure.... amazingness (I just can't think of a better word, sorry). And I just can't show them how incredible they really are. Every single person has a story, and every story is amazing, it just needs to be heard. And yet each and every person believes that they just don't have a story, that they aren't an intricate, beautiful form that is composed of countless facets being created and molded constantly throughout their entire life. Constantly changing, adding, shifting.
I guess my message is this. Look inside yourself for aspect of you who you are. There are no bad areas, only areas. Who you are is not dependant on who you were, but is constantly being created, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second. As you're reading this sentence, you are changing, thinking, feeling, and it is adding to you, helping to create who you are right now, and now, and now. Don't miss out on who you are for fearing of becoming who you were.
I guess my message is this. Look inside yourself for aspect of you who you are. There are no bad areas, only areas. Who you are is not dependant on who you were, but is constantly being created, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second. As you're reading this sentence, you are changing, thinking, feeling, and it is adding to you, helping to create who you are right now, and now, and now. Don't miss out on who you are for fearing of becoming who you were.