(no subject)
Im sitting here on my bed looking at the stars outside my window and our song comes on and i cant help but shed a few tears.... I feel so ost and confused and scared.I kno its so cliche' to say but he hurt me so much and i dont hate him... but i should.Why is it everyone else can hate you but i can't, sometimes i want to, sometimes i need to but i cant.When u left i thought nothing could go right, now that your back that thought is still implanted in my head.Youve changed, i dont kno you anymore;you're not the man who tucked me in at night. your not the man whome id wake up early just to watch the three stooges with.You were the first person i ever loved, ever since u left ive never been able to feel that way towards anyone.I can't love...I tell people that i love them because i want tobut im incapable of it.I hate so much because its the only way i kno how to feel.I will never forgive you for not being there for your little girl neede you the most...You let him get away!You let him do that to me and you pretended like it never happened.. well frank it did happenand take a look @ me now i have a personality disorder,depression, i hate myself, i wish i were dead.Every night i go to bed and i wish that this life werent mine.I wake up everymorning w/ nothing to get out of bed for.I go to my doctor and they just tell me whats wrong with me.I have decided to give up everything and anyone necessary.At this point in my life i dont want anything... i dont want sympathy, i dont want love and i dont want nor need help.I dont hate brian eigther.. not like i want to.I want tobecause i can't. But i dont love himeigther.. I want to, i want to love my neice and monica and sammy and my mom but i can't.I gave up on love so long ago.i dont feel anymore.tommorrow im going to walk all day I have people to see and things I need to do; things to say & appologies to make.to all those readin this im sorry.Im sorry dave and amy and christine.Im sorry mom and sammy and lily and michaud and jackie.Im sorry fred and jenny and everyone in leaders and to all my freidns and family.Im sorry im a horrible person, Im sorry im an embarrassement , im sorry im a horrible friend.Im sorry i never gave u a chance.Im sorry i let you down.Im sorry im not everything you wanted.This is my promise to you.. i will be better no bul shit! i need to be.. maybe then i wouldnt be suck a bad person.. well im sorry im rambling on so.yeah