long time, no talk..
i don't really use this anymore..
but i don't feel like burdening any of my friends with my drama..
i don't even mind if anyone comments. i just feel like typing.
1.) angel, my dog, died.. and i miss her so much. she was john's dog... and now she's gone. she used to remind me of him.. & now they're both gone. i hate death so much. i keep picturing her in her little spot on the couch and i hate it. she was a dog, why am i being so emotional about this? my mom & little brother are literally devastated.. i am too, but i don't get upset in front of them. my mom actually had the nerve to ask me, "how come you're not upset? do you even care?"... yeah, lovely.. i don't know, i just miss her.. a lot.
2.) i'm sneaking talking to my dad.. we've been emailing. and if my mom knew, i don't know what she'd do.. i'm actually even making plans to see him. how do i know if i'm doing the right thing..? it kind of feels right.. but feelings never meant anything. the devil uses our feelings and emotions to trick us all the time. he makes things so difficult too.. he's saying all the right things, and making me want to let him in.. but i know if i let my guard down, everything will come crumbling down again.. it always has. so why even bother?
3.) i don't know what's going to become of my future.. i've been visiting colleges and doing research, but it's still making me so nervous.. my dad already has a "i'm a gator dad" plate for his car.. & of course it has a better name than any florida school.. but what about what i want? i want to go to NYU, but i doubt i'll get in or ever be able to afford it. and i actually happen to like UCF better than UF, but that doesn't matter.. because "UF carries more weight in the real world", and therefore, I'm expected to go there. it's a great school, don't get me wrong.. i'd just like to feel more in control. and let's not even get started about my mom's "it's not just your decision, it's largely mine too" comments.
i don't know. i think i'm complaining too much.. maybe i should just shutup and go with the flow.. but i feel like the more i do that, & the more i don't say anything, the more it all eats me up inside..
i'm done.
bleh.
but i don't feel like burdening any of my friends with my drama..
i don't even mind if anyone comments. i just feel like typing.
1.) angel, my dog, died.. and i miss her so much. she was john's dog... and now she's gone. she used to remind me of him.. & now they're both gone. i hate death so much. i keep picturing her in her little spot on the couch and i hate it. she was a dog, why am i being so emotional about this? my mom & little brother are literally devastated.. i am too, but i don't get upset in front of them. my mom actually had the nerve to ask me, "how come you're not upset? do you even care?"... yeah, lovely.. i don't know, i just miss her.. a lot.
2.) i'm sneaking talking to my dad.. we've been emailing. and if my mom knew, i don't know what she'd do.. i'm actually even making plans to see him. how do i know if i'm doing the right thing..? it kind of feels right.. but feelings never meant anything. the devil uses our feelings and emotions to trick us all the time. he makes things so difficult too.. he's saying all the right things, and making me want to let him in.. but i know if i let my guard down, everything will come crumbling down again.. it always has. so why even bother?
3.) i don't know what's going to become of my future.. i've been visiting colleges and doing research, but it's still making me so nervous.. my dad already has a "i'm a gator dad" plate for his car.. & of course it has a better name than any florida school.. but what about what i want? i want to go to NYU, but i doubt i'll get in or ever be able to afford it. and i actually happen to like UCF better than UF, but that doesn't matter.. because "UF carries more weight in the real world", and therefore, I'm expected to go there. it's a great school, don't get me wrong.. i'd just like to feel more in control. and let's not even get started about my mom's "it's not just your decision, it's largely mine too" comments.
i don't know. i think i'm complaining too much.. maybe i should just shutup and go with the flow.. but i feel like the more i do that, & the more i don't say anything, the more it all eats me up inside..
i'm done.
bleh.