(no subject)
i think i'm in a pretty good place right now.
i mean, still, i just go to work and come home, so that's not all that interesting, but i feel like there are things on the horizon.
like i have given myself a june checkout date for leaving nh. i would like to say this is because i gave myself one year post-graduation before i forced myself back into the real world, but no, it is actually because my plunkett is up for reregistration in june, and i don't want to have to register him here and then again in boston shortly thereafter.
so i've got some saving to do on that front, but i'm saving my tax refund to use as first and last month's rent for wherever i move.
and i think i'm finally back in the mood where i'd like to start meeting people again (and not necessarily boys... but that would be ok as well.) for a long time i have just wanted to lock myself in my house and watch tv and smoke and listen to music. and for a long time, that is what i've been doing. i'm doing my part to singlehandedly keep the music industry and tivo in business. i have gone weeks (WEEKS!) without sending or receiving a single call on my phone. and that's the way i liked it.
now i'm excited to get back to city life, and to try not to waste the opportunity the way i did from, oh, january 2005-december 2006. i literally did NOTHING in those times, despite living in the middle of a major metropolitan community. i ate my burritos in the dining hall and went home to take naps and read nicholas sparks novels and watch downloaded episodes of the office. i may still eat burritos and read nicholas sparks and watch the office, but i won't do them exclusively. at least i'll try not to.
and after a pretty long, random aim convo with my now ex-roommate last night, i've decided i'm finally in a good place with boys. i know that relationships = pain etc etc, but i can now really, REALLY see how unhappy my last one was. obviously it wasn't always that way, but why cling to something that is DEAD for years afterwards? think of all of the people i could have met and happy times i could have had for those years instead of crying myself to sleep! wasted opportunity! i just feel like i am really starting to find myself again after all of that. i have a clean slate to do whatever i want, without expectation. i don't have any clear-cut image of what kind of person my next relationship will be like, but i doubt it's going to be with an overweight ex-high school jock who hates everyone and everything, including me.
honestly, i am more than a little disappointed in my former self. if idealistic 16 y/o me had seen me at 19, 20, 21, she would have been shocked and appalled. impressed that i was boning someone regularly, yes, but at what price? where i went off to college with visions of travel, excitement, and new experiences, i ended up the picture of post-adolescent housewife. while i do NOT want the life of a journalist that i once did (no thank you!) i think it's fair for me to raise my expectations for my life again, although maybe not as high this time. yes, i can be well-read, but i can do other things too. not everything i do, wear, eat, or buy needs to be selected with the outcome of "married with 2.5 kids in a house in the suburbs" as the ultimate goal. guess what? i can wear makeup without being told it makes me hideous! i can wear the clothes that i like, not the clothes that i'm told i should wear! i can listen to my music of choice without living in fear that people won't like me anymore! (blast from the past detail: i actually hid my interest in bands like the killers and franz ferdinand from my ex-bf because he didn't want me to like them... despite the fact that i listened to them both extensively well before we started going out. HOW FUCKING RIDICULOUS IS THAT?!?)
so i know i won't be able to do everything i want all of the time; i'll still have to go to work, and i'll still have to dress appropriately. i'll still need to live within the basic guidelines of societal norms.
but from now on, i don't need to impress anybody, and i don't need to hide who i am in the interest of keeping what i've got. if you don't like my hair, you don't have to see it ever again, sweetie. if you don't like that i listen to teenage sex music, you don't have to worry about me.
and if you don't like that i smoke? then you can go fuck yourself.
i mean, still, i just go to work and come home, so that's not all that interesting, but i feel like there are things on the horizon.
like i have given myself a june checkout date for leaving nh. i would like to say this is because i gave myself one year post-graduation before i forced myself back into the real world, but no, it is actually because my plunkett is up for reregistration in june, and i don't want to have to register him here and then again in boston shortly thereafter.
so i've got some saving to do on that front, but i'm saving my tax refund to use as first and last month's rent for wherever i move.
and i think i'm finally back in the mood where i'd like to start meeting people again (and not necessarily boys... but that would be ok as well.) for a long time i have just wanted to lock myself in my house and watch tv and smoke and listen to music. and for a long time, that is what i've been doing. i'm doing my part to singlehandedly keep the music industry and tivo in business. i have gone weeks (WEEKS!) without sending or receiving a single call on my phone. and that's the way i liked it.
now i'm excited to get back to city life, and to try not to waste the opportunity the way i did from, oh, january 2005-december 2006. i literally did NOTHING in those times, despite living in the middle of a major metropolitan community. i ate my burritos in the dining hall and went home to take naps and read nicholas sparks novels and watch downloaded episodes of the office. i may still eat burritos and read nicholas sparks and watch the office, but i won't do them exclusively. at least i'll try not to.
and after a pretty long, random aim convo with my now ex-roommate last night, i've decided i'm finally in a good place with boys. i know that relationships = pain etc etc, but i can now really, REALLY see how unhappy my last one was. obviously it wasn't always that way, but why cling to something that is DEAD for years afterwards? think of all of the people i could have met and happy times i could have had for those years instead of crying myself to sleep! wasted opportunity! i just feel like i am really starting to find myself again after all of that. i have a clean slate to do whatever i want, without expectation. i don't have any clear-cut image of what kind of person my next relationship will be like, but i doubt it's going to be with an overweight ex-high school jock who hates everyone and everything, including me.
honestly, i am more than a little disappointed in my former self. if idealistic 16 y/o me had seen me at 19, 20, 21, she would have been shocked and appalled. impressed that i was boning someone regularly, yes, but at what price? where i went off to college with visions of travel, excitement, and new experiences, i ended up the picture of post-adolescent housewife. while i do NOT want the life of a journalist that i once did (no thank you!) i think it's fair for me to raise my expectations for my life again, although maybe not as high this time. yes, i can be well-read, but i can do other things too. not everything i do, wear, eat, or buy needs to be selected with the outcome of "married with 2.5 kids in a house in the suburbs" as the ultimate goal. guess what? i can wear makeup without being told it makes me hideous! i can wear the clothes that i like, not the clothes that i'm told i should wear! i can listen to my music of choice without living in fear that people won't like me anymore! (blast from the past detail: i actually hid my interest in bands like the killers and franz ferdinand from my ex-bf because he didn't want me to like them... despite the fact that i listened to them both extensively well before we started going out. HOW FUCKING RIDICULOUS IS THAT?!?)
so i know i won't be able to do everything i want all of the time; i'll still have to go to work, and i'll still have to dress appropriately. i'll still need to live within the basic guidelines of societal norms.
but from now on, i don't need to impress anybody, and i don't need to hide who i am in the interest of keeping what i've got. if you don't like my hair, you don't have to see it ever again, sweetie. if you don't like that i listen to teenage sex music, you don't have to worry about me.
and if you don't like that i smoke? then you can go fuck yourself.